Tips for First Alanon meeting - Page 2 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Daisy30 · 12-04-2008, 10:41 PM

(((()))) sorry you had to go through that.

equinessa · 12-04-2008, 11:10 PM

Am thinking of you jennygirl73 (from all the way over here in Austr)

Someone at a meeting once said to me re discussing "us" with my then AH(and today RAH) "he doesn't want a conversation/discussion he wants to let rip.....upset you and be mean..........and don't think that you can outsmart him when he is in full flight, he has all the cards in the deck, and is much more practiced than you..........don't take him because you'll lose" gulp OK. I took the advice and it has worked for me.

We are here for you Jennygirl!

As a counsellor in child and adolescent mental health, if a child states this or that about someone I generally validate that. Like "you don't like Daddy sometimes?" "Oh I see, so sometimes you don't like Daddy and sometimes you do? Oh OK then now I know how you are feeling.....I like it when you tell me how you feel. I love listening to you" or something like that. Tell me to but out but if I am overstepping the mark here. It is just a way of validating without blaming the partner. that's not to say that it isn't right to name it when things are unacceptable

eggshell · 12-05-2008, 05:38 AM

Hopefully, you can find the strength to make it inside the meeting. Like others, I cried a lot my first few months. It helped. Now, I see new people coming in with fear and tears and I am able to reach out, because I have been there! Then I feel strong helping the new person, even with just a smile and a hug. I stay strong for my kids (ages 4,8,10)
A big smile and a hug for you...keep posting

Aesakitty · 12-05-2008, 07:33 AM

The faster you take action the less time you have to talk yourself out of it. From experience in abusive relationships the sooner I got away and made a point to recognize that his behavior was NOT appropriate, the less likely I was to talk myself out of it. There are many options for help out there. Depending on your income level many state/fed. programs can help you find housing, food, child care, etc. It is possible to schedule an immediate/emergency meeting with a social worker for this aid; all you have to do is call and explain your situation. The forum will not let me post a link, but if you google "federal aid" you should find what you need. I hope some of this information helps, and I wish you and your daughter lots of luck!

jennygirl73 · 12-05-2008, 01:33 PM

I went to my first meeting and I called a couple of divorce attorney's. It looks like it will take close to a month to get a hearing to decide child support and maintenance (that word makes me think of an old lawnmover for some reason) I have been advised not to move until that hearing, unless I decide to go to a shelter. How am I going to make it a whole month!?!

anvilhead · 12-05-2008, 02:13 PM

LOTS of meetings!!!?

jennygirl73 · 12-05-2008, 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anvilhead

LOTS of meetings!!!?

Absolutely! Now that I know where to go, and I know the schedule, I can go during the week at lunch. I am definitely going back!

GiveLove · 12-05-2008, 02:30 PM

You can come here and post every day, and we will keep reminding you what a great life you and your daughter have ahead of you

Meetings help too.

I found that being away from the house as much as possible helped, but I didn't have a daughter to think of. Is there anywhere else you can go temporarily? (ask the lawyer about the ups & downsides of that) It's just a month. A friend? Family?

The thing is, my XABF got more and more agitated as time went on and he realized he was losing control. Having an escape plan might be very wise for you, given what you've told us about him.

Today, if he fits my X's pattern, he will likely apologize profusely, promise the moon, beg & plead....let us know how things go with him and with the lawyer, okay?

GL

Susan67 · 12-05-2008, 03:15 PM

There is a great book called "How did I get Here?" by Barbara DeAngelis.
It's about finding your way to renewed hope and happiness when life and love take unexpected turns.
I started reading it and I can't put it down! I was going to buy it but just went to the library. Now that I've started reading it, I want to buy it so I can hi-lite all the points that relate so much to me.

Anyway, thinking of you and hope you know you WILL get through this.

jennygirl73 · 12-05-2008, 03:35 PM

I will continue to come and post, everyone here has been so wonderful! It blows my mind how ya'll can be so nice and he can be so mean. I know it's the drink, but it still blows my mind.

I like the idea of an escape plan. Well, you know what I mean.. It's a good idea. I don't feel like I even know him anymore, and that makes him unpredictable.

jennygirl73 · 12-05-2008, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Susan67

There is a great book called "How did I get Here?" by Barbara DeAngelis.
It's about finding your way to renewed hope and happiness when life and love take unexpected turns.
I started reading it and I can't put it down! I was going to buy it but just went to the library. Now that I've started reading it, I want to buy it so I can hi-lite all the points that relate so much to me.

Anyway, thinking of you and hope you know you WILL get through this.

I'm going to go order it right now! Thanks so much!

TinyBear · 12-06-2008, 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennygirl73

I am tired of him being so mean! I sound like a kid, huh?

No, Jenny! You sound like me. You sound like someone who has been worn down by this disease. You sound like someone who's carrying too much on your shoulders by herself. You sound like someone who needs a break from the fear and the craziness and the walking on eggshells. You sound like someone who lives with an alcoholic.

You deserve to live without any meanness in your life. You deserve a calm and loving home. Please take care of yourself and your daughter and let us know how you're doing...

Take care,
TinyBear

12-05-2008, 02:30 PM	#33 (permalink)
GiveLove Forum Leader Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Stumbling toward happiness Posts: 4,818 Blog Entries: 2	You can come here and post every day, and we will keep reminding you what a great life you and your daughter have ahead of you Meetings help too. I found that being away from the house as much as possible helped, but I didn't have a daughter to think of. Is there anywhere else you can go temporarily? (ask the lawyer about the ups & downsides of that) It's just a month. A friend? Family? The thing is, my XABF got more and more agitated as time went on and he realized he was losing control. Having an escape plan might be very wise for you, given what you've told us about him. Today, if he fits my X's pattern, he will likely apologize profusely, promise the moon, beg & plead....let us know how things go with him and with the lawyer, okay? GL __________________ "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver "Action is the antidote to despair." --Joan Baez "False hopes bind us to unlivable situations, and blind us to real possibilities." --Derrick Jensen

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12-04-2008, 10:41 PM	#26 (permalink)
Daisy30 I'm growing Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Right where I need to be Posts: 603	(((()))) sorry you had to go through that.

12-04-2008, 11:10 PM	#27 (permalink)
equinessa Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Mudgee NSW Posts: 70	Am thinking of you jennygirl73 (from all the way over here in Austr) Someone at a meeting once said to me re discussing "us" with my then AH(and today RAH) "he doesn't want a conversation/discussion he wants to let rip.....upset you and be mean..........and don't think that you can outsmart him when he is in full flight, he has all the cards in the deck, and is much more practiced than you..........don't take him because you'll lose" gulp OK. I took the advice and it has worked for me. We are here for you Jennygirl! As a counsellor in child and adolescent mental health, if a child states this or that about someone I generally validate that. Like "you don't like Daddy sometimes?" "Oh I see, so sometimes you don't like Daddy and sometimes you do? Oh OK then now I know how you are feeling.....I like it when you tell me how you feel. I love listening to you" or something like that. Tell me to but out but if I am overstepping the mark here. It is just a way of validating without blaming the partner. that's not to say that it isn't right to name it when things are unacceptable

12-05-2008, 05:38 AM	#28 (permalink)
eggshell 24 hour reprieve Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Cincinnati OH Posts: 13	Hopefully, you can find the strength to make it inside the meeting. Like others, I cried a lot my first few months. It helped. Now, I see new people coming in with fear and tears and I am able to reach out, because I have been there! Then I feel strong helping the new person, even with just a smile and a hug. I stay strong for my kids (ages 4,8,10) A big smile and a hug for you...keep posting

12-05-2008, 07:33 AM	#29 (permalink)
Aesakitty Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Ohio Posts: 25	The faster you take action the less time you have to talk yourself out of it. From experience in abusive relationships the sooner I got away and made a point to recognize that his behavior was NOT appropriate, the less likely I was to talk myself out of it. There are many options for help out there. Depending on your income level many state/fed. programs can help you find housing, food, child care, etc. It is possible to schedule an immediate/emergency meeting with a social worker for this aid; all you have to do is call and explain your situation. The forum will not let me post a link, but if you google "federal aid" you should find what you need. I hope some of this information helps, and I wish you and your daughter lots of luck!

12-05-2008, 01:33 PM	#30 (permalink)
jennygirl73 Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 62	I went to my first meeting and I called a couple of divorce attorney's. It looks like it will take close to a month to get a hearing to decide child support and maintenance (that word makes me think of an old lawnmover for some reason) I have been advised not to move until that hearing, unless I decide to go to a shelter. How am I going to make it a whole month!?!

12-05-2008, 02:13 PM	#31 (permalink)
anvilhead Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 14,599	LOTS of meetings!!!?

12-05-2008, 03:15 PM	#34 (permalink)
Susan67 Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: michigan Posts: 30	There is a great book called "How did I get Here?" by Barbara DeAngelis. It's about finding your way to renewed hope and happiness when life and love take unexpected turns. I started reading it and I can't put it down! I was going to buy it but just went to the library. Now that I've started reading it, I want to buy it so I can hi-lite all the points that relate so much to me. Anyway, thinking of you and hope you know you WILL get through this.

12-05-2008, 03:35 PM	#35 (permalink)
jennygirl73 Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 62	I will continue to come and post, everyone here has been so wonderful! It blows my mind how ya'll can be so nice and he can be so mean. I know it's the drink, but it still blows my mind. I like the idea of an escape plan. Well, you know what I mean.. It's a good idea. I don't feel like I even know him anymore, and that makes him unpredictable.

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