The death of "the dream"

[JustMeInWI]

Four years ago, I met the "man of my dreams".

Two years ago I married the "man of my dreams".

Over time I began to feel like less and less of a person. I wasn't worthy of respect. I wasn't a good wife. I just couldn't "make my husband happy." I began to despair, thinking I must go on killing myself to try to please him and make him happy. My whole world was turning upside-down but I didn't know why. What was I doing wrong?

Four months ago he admitted he had a drinking problem. He was an alcoholic who needed help. He began attending AA. He began working the program. He stopped drinking. I began working on my newly realized codependency. We both began seeing counselors. So why weren't things all better? Happy and loving? I was being hurt more and more everyday. I cried nearly every day. I couldn't focus at work. I couldn't focus on projects at home. We argued regularly.

Four weeks ago I moved out of our house, my home. The arguments had begun to consume every interaction. Some lead to shouting and many hurtful words. I stayed with friends. I prayed a lot.

Three weeks ago I hired a lawyer and filed for divorce. I applied for my own apartment. I cried a lot more. I could see that my health (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, AND physically) required this. My sanity needed this. My serenity couldn't co-exist with my "real husband".

Yesterday I woke up to a very clear new understanding. The man I loved was not the man I married and lived with every day. The man I loved was "my dream." The "dream husband" was loving, considerate, and always there for me. The "real husband" was manipulative, abusive (emotionally and pyschologically), and very selfish. But I'd lived life everyday with the dream controlling my thoughts, my feelings, my reactions, even my memories. I rationalized and justified everything based on my dream. I wasn't loving my "real husband", I was loving my "dream husband". Somehow I was sure the dream was or would be the reality. This wasn't fair to either of us. I wasn't loving him. I was loving "potential" - some figment of my own imaginings. A dream. It was all a dream.

I feel the dull ache in the pit of my stomach, however I know the truth and it will deliver me, it will set me free. The ache in the pit of my stomach is there because "my husband" (the dream) has died, but my heart is still fighting against believing it. When someone really close to you dies physically, you are in shock. You find yourself waiting for them to come walking through the door or call you up and let you know it was all just a silly mix-up. But just like everyone else who’s lost someone they love to death, I know that won’t happen. And thus the ache deepens. Just like others, I need to pull myself together and plan the funeral and work through the process of grieving. I don’t want to put it off for too long, but I know I’m not ready yet.

So this is the start of the end. I will no longer live my life based on dreams for others, or based on their potential. I cannot love someone if I'm only after their potential. I need to love REAL people. Right where they are at today. Not where they could be (or where they should be, as my codependency says).

As I settle into my new apartment, I have a funeral to plan. I have to mourn "his" death. Grieve my loss. My counselor has suggested I write out a eulogy. Write all the great and wonderful traits my "dream husband" had. And just let myself grieve over each one. Accepting that "he" will never be there to fulfill those hopes.

If I can grieve, release, and accept this loss, I can grow and start to live my REAL life. And that is my REAL goal. I don't want to live in my dreams anymore. I want to be real and honest in my mind and in my heart every day and in every interaction.

[brundle]

Wow! I really needed to hear that today...

PS... Can you post the eulogy?

[Barbara52]

Congratulations on reaching such an empowering point in your personal growth! Yes, you are mourning a dream. It's what I did too. ANd my life has improved by leaps and bounds since I buried that false dream and began life in the real world again. You too can thrive!

[lovtolaff]

Five months ago I walked away from "the man of my dreams". I discovered, as you, that he wasn't that man.

I can't say that it's not been hard - it's excruciating. But I could no longer live with the turmoil and daily stressors - so I ended it...for ME.

My life is so much more peaceful now but I will not lie and say that I'm completely over him. I'm not. But I'm working on me now and letting go of him along the way.

Best of wishes to you.

[kingston]

Congratulations!

I did the same thing regarding my EXAH of 24 years! It hasn't been easy but everything is so much better now. No chaos, lying, cheating, etc etc.

I chose to have my life on my terms!

Stay strong - K.

[sodetermined]

Congratulations!

I came to the realization I was in love with a dream also. And with the xabf contacting me yesterday, I am being tempted with trying to entertain the idea of that dream again. But it is what it is.....a dream. Not reality.

Could it also be said that while we are mourning the loss of this man, that we are celebrating the beginning of OUR life?

[prairiegirl]

My relationship ended 6 months ago and it has not been easy at all. I still have that ache in the pit of my stomach. But like you, I was in love with the dream man and his potential, not the man he had actually become. It's hard to give up on a dream, but it's such a relief to have the chaos gone and not feel the daily pain of having to live with that and the constant rejection. Someone recently said, "You need to stop being in love with the idea of being in love." I really like the suggestion of writing a eulogy and think I will try that myself. It is very much like the death of a loved one - only there was no funeral.

[isitme]

WOW! I think I really need to ponder this all for a minute and take the cue! I think I might be doing exactly this..

[hbb]

Thank you for posting this thread. I too lived "the dream" with my exabf. We weren't together long and it's probably because i was living the way i wanted him to be and maybe could be one day! Boy was i wrong. I've learned alot that if the person i meet isn't 98% of what i'm looking for, than forget it because at this age...we are who we are! Thanks again!

[denny57]

Originally Posted by hbb

than forget it because at this age...we are who we are!

and at this age, even more so LOL!!!!!

[Susan67]

Wow, I was just telling my friends today, it's like my husband died. And it's so much harder because I know he is out there not doing a damn thing about our separation. These feelings of grief can be overwhelming!! Thank-you for the post!

[Jadmack25]

What a wonderful, inspiring post from you JustMe. Thank you for it.

[Franticwife]

That was heartbreaking JustMe - and a little too close to home I think! I'm still "dreaming" and hoping and trying to convince myself that the good times outweigh the bad. Reading this forum I'm starting to think there's no hope at all - hasn't anyone had success and ended up with a happy relationship?

[Wascally Wabbit]

You're right, it's a funeral. It deserves to be buried and put to rest.
Getting past the "I made a mistake" and beating ourselves up over it is hard. But growth comes when we do.

[loner1968]

The hard part for me was when the "dream" side of him would come through. Of course that's what we hang onto.

[RosieM]

This is the way I feel, too. He was here once, I really believe that. Now my life is less chaotic but it is lonely. I am trying to work through that without over-booking myself with tons of classes and meetings and stuff! No matter how much I do, I still miss reading the paper with him in the morning. It just sux. People here say it will get better.

[TakingCharge999]

It is easier when the guy has always been a jerk and you cling to something totally out of reality.. somehow you can say "well it was all my imagination"...

But when it appears so close.. in reality... and then it goes away

IT SUCKS!!

I prefer less chaotic although boring, lonely, geeky, etc. rather than "fun" which for him means drinking and saying mean words.

I am thinking about the time when he gets home all drunk in the morning and I am no longer in his room to be abused. kudos to myself!!

[prodigal]

I mourned the loss of AH for several years. I think that is the only justification I can give, other than being a massive codie, for putting up with his crap. And I put up with some pretty outrageous stuff!

The month before we got married, we were vacationing with his best friend's family on the Outer Banks (Kitty Hawk, NC). Everyone had gone to the beach and I was helping his best friend's mom in the kitchen. She was talking about AH, and I distinctly remember telling me, "Honey, you're so lucky; you're getting a good one."

Yes, he was a good one. Then, like a banana he went from green to ripe to some black grungy thing. Spoiled. Rotten. Stinky.

But even during the good times, I got glimpses of things to come. I was just too "in love" (read that to mean in codie overdrive) to see those little red flags .... and they were waving in my face all along.

[JustMeInWI]

Yes, this would have been much easier for me if he had always been a jerk. But there were ALWAYS glimpses of the "dream husband" shining through. Those would catch my eye and my heart and would give me something to add to my existing dreams of what would/should/could be... I too was just too "in love" (codie overdrive) to see the obvious red flags.

[liveweyerd]

I loved my husband, the man.....but he changed, slowly until even tho' we were both miserable and he became more and more critical and verbally abusive, I didn't like him but I cared deeply for him. He hit me. I put him in jail. He filed for divorce. I cry and grieve and am having a rough go of it, but I am 50 and have loved and lost before so I know time does heal and all ready in some ways many things are easier.

[Franticwife]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

I loved my husband, the man.....but he changed, slowly until even tho' we were both miserable and he became more and more critical and verbally abusive, I didn't like him but I cared deeply for him. He hit me. I put him in jail. He filed for divorce. I cry and grieve and am having a rough go of it, but I am 50 and have loved and lost before so I know time does heal and all ready in some ways many things are easier.

How's this for codie? Sometimes I WISH he would hit me, so I would have one final, definite reason to leave! But he only screams and rants and raves and accuses and criticizes and blames and throws things. And in the morning he can't remember a thing and the sweet, handsome, strong guy I love so much is sleeping peacefully beside me again.

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by Franticwife

But he only screams and rants and raves and accuses and criticizes and blames and throws things. And in the morning he can't remember a thing

Honey, that is abuse, plain and simple! You deserve soooo much more than that! Please explore why you think that is all you deserve in life and find a way to overcome whatever it may be. {hugs}

Originally Posted by Franticwife

the sweet, handsome, strong guy I love so much is sleeping peacefully beside me again.

No, he's still the abusive drunk who has now forgotten all the damage he did while drunk.

[Janitw]

Man you guys have described my life so very entirely....I was very much in "love" with my XAH but I sure didn't like him much. He was nice to me but he was hateful to all the people I loved including the kids. I just couldn't understand him and his thought process....which of course now I understand that thats because he was insane....lol

Janitw

[liveweyerd]

Frankly, I would rather be hit than the ongoing emotional and psychological torture of verbal abuse.

My last relationship (serious) I was younger and very naive. He almost destroyed me with his verbal abuse. It took seeing a very good domestic counselor for me to be able to begin to sort things out, and many reminders from her when I would diminish things...it saved my life.

I now have a boundary, a vow with myself that I will let NO ONE disrespect me. And if you hit me at all, light or hard, I go on automatic pilot and dial 911.

If I gave in on my boundaries, if would effect my self-esteem, integrity and so much else within me, that it is unthinkable.

I also read ALOT!! ALOT!!

And took me time, slowly...actually two years to process it all and have it well and truly behind me.

Do know that should you stop complying, it will become more difficult, but it is as progressive as alcoholism and abuse and alcohol are two separate issues. That kept me stuck for a very long time.

[liveweyerd]

Two good books:

No Visible Wounds by Alice Walker
Why does He do that (I think that is close to the title) by Lundy Bancroft..the topmost expert on working with abusive men.