AW Holding Me Hostage

[faith12]

You know I have a very unique situation which I have no idea what to do about. My AW has destroyed our life with alcohol for the last three years. So many gritty, gory stores I couldn't even count them up over this time. I could write a book. Seriously. A year ago my job was transferred to another state. I told my wife in order to come be with me she would need to go to rehab and maintain her sobriety with meetings, etc. and so on. She went to rehab and came to live me after. Over the next year she drank probably on 30 different occassions and became her old self. Finally I told her she needed to leave. She broke the terms of the deal many times and its just not healthy for me to have her live with me any more. I'm falling apart, she's not dedicated to her sobriety and/or our life together. Now she states she won't leave no matter what I do. I rent our home and pay the bills each month. I found this place on my own before I ever allowed her to come here. Now she tells me I'll have to move out if I want to seperate. Now she gets drunk every night to spite me and puts me through hell on a regular basis. So when I come home every night I sit in anxiety wondering what is going to happen and what I should do. Life is not good. Does anyone have any idea what I might try? I love my wife more than anything but she is tearing me apart and I can not change her or do her recovery for her. She has to do that and right now she obviously doesn't want to. All I can do is take care of myself and I need her to go. I don't think it right that I have to move out of the place that I provided for myself and allowed her to come to on condition she stay sober. Any thoughts are welcome. This sucks.

[Janitw]

So sorry that you are in pain Faith. Nuthin changes if nuthin changes. Remember the post that was posted mosted recently by Passion??? The pain stops when.......re-read that post right now okay.

[kingston]

"All I can do is take care of myself and I need her to go. I don't think it right that I have to move out of the place that I provided for myself and allowed her to come to on condition she stay sober. Any thoughts are welcome. This sucks."

I was in a similar situation in that my AH wouldn't leave either. So, I took care of myself - I left. Your right it does suck BUT I had to do what was right for me. Ultimately the decision was me and a healthy home or chaos living with an active AH. The only person who could make the decision was me and I choose no chaos. Was it easy no, was it worth it yes.

I too had multiple reconciliations with him, back and forth, rehab, drunkeness, dry drunk etc etc. 24 years of it!

It finally stopped when I put in healthy boundaries, started my own recovery program and maintained no contact.

Keep reading here on SR, I hope you find peace - K.

[Wascally Wabbit]

For me faith, it's all about boundaries. I believe that the foundation of a healthy relationship is having and enforcing boundaries. This protects me. It can also prevent others from hurting themselves by using me to do so.

I have a book that I read over and over and over. It's the most helpful book I have ever read in my life. It sums up everything I need to do to protect myself from others.

Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life By Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

[ToughChoices]

Originally Posted by faith12

All I can do is take care of myself and I need her to go. I don't think it right that I have to move out of the place that I provided for myself and allowed her to come to on condition she stay sober.

Best to deal in reality, here, - look at what is actually happening.
Not what was supposed to happen.
Not what you would like to happen.
What is happening.

She is living with you. She is not sober. She will not leave.

OK.

That does suck - but it is not insurmountable.

It sounds like you have decided that, for your sanity, you must be apart from this woman. Perhaps it is time to place your sanity at the forefront of importance.
In front of what is fair.
It's not fair for her to reneg on the sobriety deal, but, she's doing it. You can't change what she's doing, so you may have to explore all your options.

I was in a similar situation.
I found a new place.
Unfairness be d@%&ed! It was the right choice for me.


May I suggest speaking with a lawyer about property rights, etc...?
Good luck to you!

-TC

[brundle]

My AH wont leave either; it does suck. If you don't want to be there and can get out, do it. I'm not financially independent so I have to wait for some things to get into place before I can leave and it's taking a really long time!

I find if you know you should leave and you don't... (and you can't come up with a really good reason for staying) you become really sick (angry, bitter, ect...)

I know... I'm there...

Hugs and good-luck!

[Jazzman]

I would learn about the domestic laws of the state you live in, for instance, if your name is on the lease and hers is not, can you have her removed by the sheriffs department? Does being married change all that and make it as much her place as it is yours? Do you have to go as far as filing for divorce and asking the judge for sole custody of the marital home?

I know it seems harsh and uncaring, but some times the legal route is the only recourse we have.

[splendra]

I don't think your situation is all that unique as far as dealing someone in active addiction. I own my property and I am having to sell it. His name is not on the deed but still he will not leave. Short of calling the law it looks like my only option is to leave myself and start over.

I have also been thru multiple reconciliations with my H he hasn't changed but I have....I am tired of it what about you?

[katie44]

Not a good situation for you. It sounds like you are on the right path and you know what you need to do. If she wont leave then the best thing for you is to find your own place and leave her there. The longer you stay in this situation the worse your anxiety will become. I know you love her but this is her journey you didnt cause it, you cant control it , nor can you cure it.

[prairiegirl]

[QUOTE=faith12;2007495] I love my wife more than anything but she is tearing me apart and I can not change her or do her recovery for her. /QUOTE]

I loved my husband more than anything and he tore me apart for over 12 years. It doesn't get better and staying doesn't solve it, unfortunately. I tried that and it just got worse.....much worse. If you think you can't stand it now, just give it another year or two or ten. If you really love your wife, the most loving thing you can do is take care of yourself and that may mean walking out the door, leaving her to fend for herself, even if you're not sure how she's going to do that. What I've come to learn is that, not only was I not helping myself but I wasn't helping him either by staying. It was making us both alot sicker and I just kept watching in total helplessness as the bottle took him further and further down and I watched my love turn to resentment, mostly directed at myself for staying so long and for not being able to do anything to help him. It's true what someone else said - you will just become sicker as well. If you really love her, leaving may be the most loving act you do for both of you. Take care of yourself and keep coming to this forum. All the love and support here is really helping me through this.

[Barbara52]

Sorry you are in such a place. But you can choose to stop being a hostage. It may not be a pleasant process but you can take the actions you need to in order to protect yourself. It sounds like only you are on the lease. If so, you can have her evicted. Not a fun thing to do but it may be that you ahve to do so. I suggest consulting with an attorney to find out exactly what your options are.

[faith12]

Thanks everyone. I guess my situation isn't as unique as I may have thought. I hate to give up my place but I think some people are right and I may have to for my own sanity and to re-empower myself in the situation. She just isn't going to get well if I keep enabling her with a virtually free place to live. The crazy thing is she can't even afford to stay in our current place on her own. So I have to leave and then she'll have to leave because she can't afford it!? Then everyone has to move. The thing is I'm not doing this because I'm trying to make life hard on her. I'm doing it for my own relief in the situation and hopefully allow her to figure this out on her own.

[kingston]

"She just isn't going to get well if I keep enabling her with a virtually free place to live."

Exactly, there are no incentives for her to look after herself if you are doing it all, there are no consequences for her if you are doing it all.

This is exactly what I did when I was my AH. I thought I was helping and "doing the right thing like a good supportive wife should do". But in hindsight I ended up hurting him.

K.

[equinessa]

Yep. I agree with the people who are advocating leaving, with one qualification. Get to an al-anon meeting. That way you have support when you feel really bad and that may, if you work your program stop this happening again in another house. Believe me, many of us have done this a few times. You move out, she loses the place. Then has no where to stay, "just for a night" or a week, and she may be sober for a little while then just like before she is back to the chaotic behaviour caused by untreated alcoholism, and it happens all over again. This, I believe is what really wears people down. The utter monotony of it all. You see moving out is more than just a geographical move. I would say that that is the easy part. The hard part is the move in your heart and that takes more than a removal van. Al-anon worked for me in moving my heart back where it should live. Inside me.

[faith12]

Yes good input. I attend al-anon weekly and have for the past year or so. I feel like I have support in that respect. You're right about "having the heart move out."That is the hardest part. Mine never wants to do that. The rest of me says the right things but my heart just always hopes insie that she'll just change and it will all be fine again. That likely will never happen.

[faith12]

So tonight is Friday night. A few nights ago I told my AW I was leaving and wanted a seperation. Tonight I was coming home from an Al-Anon meeting and noticed strange texts from her saying I was now sleeping with someone, I needed to get the hell out and many other choice words. Definitely not true any of these things. As I came in the door I was verybally assaulted stating that I am every name in the book. She was obviously drunk. Then she came after me physically and began punching and kicking me and pulling my hair. I didn't want to call the police because I don't want her to get in trouble but it was bad and I'm so tired of this. Plus she will lie to the police if I call them and turn this around on me somehow. I called her Dad who knows well of her alcohol abuse who then talked to her which calmed her down. Now she's telling him and everyone else she knows what a terrible person I am. I can not even believe this behavior. I need to leave but I can't just find some place to live in a day... I'm so ready to leave this person behind but feel like I have to leave my residence and all my things to this person in order to get away. I'm so saddened and angry by all this. I never did a thing to her and stood by her for three years of nightmare alcoholic episodes. I'm just so depressed by this. I never pictured my life would turn out like this when I married this person. Doesn't seem fair.

[robina]

No, the disease of alcoholism is not fair! I have a female friend who is severely alcoholic and she is fond of tearing down her loving boyfriend who has stood by her and taken a lot of abuse from her. She always twists the situation to make it appear that he is to blame for her troubles. But of course, it is her disease that is to blame.
Sadly, all you are doing right now is enabling your wife to escalate her disease. From my own experience I found it very helpful to increase my alanon meetings - when things were really bad I was going to 3 meetings a week - it really helped me a lot when I needed to set strong boundaries.

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by faith12

I need to leave but I can't just find some place to live in a day...

I took me less than a week to find a temporary place to go. It wasn't the best, someone's basement appartment, but it worked til I could move into a real apartment a couple of months later. You might be surprised what you can find and what you can put up with if you are serious about getting out.

[equinessa]

I agree with robina and Barbara52, in that meetings help you focus on what you need to do for you. Sometimes there are other options but they are invisible to us because we are so pre-occupied with the behaviour of the A. Living with someone who abusive is to live in a state of hyper-alertness (survival mode).....and sure has it's place, but limits the mind from thinking creatively ie for finding solutions.

The other thing is that it doesn't matter what the Police believe or don't believe. The point is ringing them to report physical assault in a domestic violence situation. They are not the court. That comes later. It is not true that it always comes down to "your word against theirs", there is such a thing as evidence.

In Austr in 80% of cases of Domestic Violence, one or both partners have been drinking alcohol. Police deal with this all the time, it's the majority of their work..........
But you mentioned that you didn't want "to get her in trouble"......she's already in trouble, it's just that you are covering for her. If she did to some one in the pub or street what she did to you, she'd be reported and charged with assault because that is what it is. Because it is perpetrated inside a marriage doesn't mean it isn't assault. In Austr these days police stations have "domestic liaison officers" and you can ring them and have a chat and let them know there is a problem without charging so that when it does flare up the police on duty know to get there in a hurry. It is because there are so many "accidental murders" and sieges etc putting the whole community at risk.

Hope this helps. Best wishes.

[TinyBear]

Originally Posted by robina

No, the disease of alcoholism is not fair!

It's not fair. It's never fair. It's always just a tragedy.

[FormerDoormat]

Is the lease in your name alone? If so, you don't have to leave. You can have your wife forcibly removed. I had to do the same thing with my exAB. The rules may differ by state, so check with your sherrif's office first. That's what I did.

The sheriff's office advised me to send my boyfriend a registered letter (return receipt required) telling him he had 30 days to vacate the premises or I'd have him forcibly removed. When the 30-day period expired and he still hadn't vacated the premises, all I needed to do was to call the sheriff's office, show them a copy of the eviction notice along with a copy of the return receipt, and they would remove all his possessions from the home and evict him for me.

But things never got that far. My boyfriend finally realized that I was serious and he left before the 30-day period was up. It's important to do this legally, so your wife can't sue you for damages, so check the laws in your state.

Good luck.

[faith12]

Our names are both on the lease so this may pose a problem but I'll check. She states now that she is going to leave but who knows. Its a constant state of mind games. It would obviously be more convenient for me to stay in my own place for a million reasons. I'm starting to feel like maybe I should just get another place and not give her the option of making me wait in anticipation. I'll check the laws though. Thanks for the input. I've just been not wanting to go to the police to avoid the embarrassment of having them come to my house and of course I don't want my wife to have legal problems. It's maybe what she needs though. I just need to seperate and she needs to understand she's where she is because of alcohol. I asked her today me or the bottle. She couldn't even answer me. It's so strange how sick one must be where alcohol is more important than their own family. I just wish she could see how sick she is.

[faith12]

You know I am amazed. With all that we have been through I flat out told my AW that I was leaving. So pick me or the alcohol. She told me she that she thinks she should be able to drink. I mean come on. The world is just crumbling around her. We've lost friends, family, money, dignity and the list goes on. I've sufered through verbal and physical violence. You name it. I have told her since she got out of rehab that she needs to maintain sobriety or not be with me. Yet she chooses alcohol? I've been a good person who has soldiered through right by her side and still.... I'm just floored. Something is so broken here. As I look for a new place to live and for legal advice it just blows my mind. How can someone be so sick and just live in complete and total denial? When will she ever see the light? Anyone know where I'm coming from?

[cassandra2]

I completely know where you are coming from. My ex was addicted to pain pills. It got to the point that he was using other things because money went missing. That was the last straw for me. I asked him to leave almost three months ago.

He is still living in complete denial that he has a problem. He went to treatment in mid Nov but I believe today he is back to using. The utter insanity of it all just boggles my mind.

When I asked him to leave I was very clear about why. He then told everyone that "we didnt get along".

The things that he did and said to me were just unbelievable. I couldnt believe how the man that I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with could just walk away from his family.

The games that he is now playing are enough to send me off the deep end so be prepared to be manipulated once you do leave. But if you see it and can recognize what is happening you will be able to steer clear of the wave.....

I often wonder if he will ever see the light. I pray that he does but I am beginning to lose hope for that. Especially since he probably has relapsed.

[Barbara52]

My xAH refuses to admit he is an alcoholic. He has been unemployed 3+yrs now, lsot his relationship with his daughters, lost me, lost his house, is now living with his 87 YO mother and sponging off her. Yet nothing is his fault or responsibility. He has done nothing wrong. He is a victim of the world.

I stopped trying to figure out how he thinks. I have given him over to God and pray for him. That is all I can do. I hope and pray some day he can admit to his addiction and find recoery.