AW Holding Me Hostage

[MayaandMe]

I copied this from a Sticky in the Friends and Families of Substance Abusers Forum. It is worth reading and rereading.

"What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________


Have A Great 24
-jon
__________________"

[hadenoughnow]

Denial is a powerful thing. My exah has lost his wife (me), his house, only sees his son two days a week, has been written up at work for drunk dialing his boss and he was sent for drug and alcohol testing on the job last week because he reeked of alcohol (he passed somehow). He was shocked and offended that that anyone could possibly think he, Mr. Perfect, could be under the influence! I could go on and on describing the ways that alcoholism has adversely affected his (and our) lives. In his mind everyone else is the problem, he is just a "normal guy" who "likes to have a few beers".

[TimeForMe]

Faith, I feel for you. I think we all do.

For me, it seems easier if I approach the situation as a "business transaction". Take the emotion out of it. (yes, it is hard). But you can do it.

From a business perspective, would you allow someone to treat you like this? Probably not. So, if you were at work, what would you do? Get their name off the lease? Find a new place for yourself?

Whatever it is, you can do it.

We are all here for you. We've all been there. Yes, it sucks. But you can get through it.

You are strong. You will survive.

Best wishes and hug,

S

[Kindeyes]

Alcoholics always seem to be able to turn things around. If it's black, they will swear it's white. If it's small, they will swear it's gigantic. If you try to help them, they'll throw it in your face how it's YOUR fault that such-and-such happened. They are the victims. Their loved ones who endure the madness are always the evil-doers. The story is always the same. Sometimes it amazes me how the details may be a little different but the theme is so similar.

Find your peace. Do whatever you need to do for yourself to find serenity. It's worth it.

gentle hugs

[TakingCharge999]

Hi faith,
Thank you a lot for sharing your story.
Before, I was sad because the XAHB got the supernice house we looked for for weeks, flashing his new car and a lot of nice stuff.... and it hurt to lose them but I was able to move to a girl friend's flat, and while it has nothing to do with what we had, this is where I have been able to find a little peace. No places or objects have more value than this and as they said before, the logistics are easy, what is difficult is to move on for real and not fall for the trap once again.. I am very sorry this woman is so troubled and affecting you. Thankfully YOU are able to move on.. move on in reality, in this world. You sound very determined to do so so I am sure you will be able to, just take it one step at a time, soon things will be better for you, and not because its wishful thinking, its because you are taking the steps needed to reach that place.
Hugs to you

[Ago]

We all understand how you feel, we've all gone through this

When I "walked away" I didn't do it "because of her" I did it "for me"

In my opinion one option was healthy and took personal responsibility for myself, my actions, and what I wanted from life and what I was willing to choose as "acceptable" or even "normal".

The other option was full of blame and finger pointing and left me "sicker then a dog" for a long time.

Not to say I didn't bounce back and forth between the two after I left, but it helped me to think that way, to come back to this being a decision I made for me.

Practicing alcoholics will always choose alcohol over EVERYTHING else because they can't imagine life without alcohol, it's literally "incomprehensible" they lose children, jobs, relationships, and literally never see the cause and effect between their drinking and the consequences until they go into "recovery", not stop drinking, (nothing worse then an alcoholic that's not drinking with no program phew) but go into the "causes and conditions" in which case they are no longer "practicing alcoholics" but I digress.

Anyhow, I found it best to even use "fair fighting" techniques during the break up and even in the subsequent conversations that took place with her only in my mind.

"I feel ________"

Keeping the focus on me was healthy, it really was, super difficult, but it made it an easier, faster, healthier process.

"Blaming" an alcoholic for drinking and all of the behaviors is no different then blaming someone with borderline personality disorder, they are both sick, when I moved away from blaming I could move into the important questions like "How can I protect myself from this person?" and "How can I take care of myself?" and shortly thereafter to realizing she was in fact just a very sick individual and asking myself "could I forgive her so I can let go and move on", questions I wouldn't have time for if I spent all my time "smearing" her and being angry.

I guess my point is I needed to be angry in order to leave but in short order my anger became a club I used to beat myself up with, so I had to lose it ASAP once I had moved on.

I can't really see myself years from now still droning on and on about her you know? I left her to leave her behind not carry her with me, and I saw that until I "let go" we were "still together" in a very real way except it wasn't her "dragging me down" any more, it was me.

Good luck, I know it's difficult.