Complicated Situation

[houston28]

Hello everyone

I just joined the community today and wanted to share with you some issues dealing with my marriage. Any input or advice would be greatly appreciated.

I have been married for 8 years and I am the father of 3 beautiful girls aged 7,5, and 4. My basic problem is that I am not in love with my wife and I don't know if I ever was. Eight years ago when I was single and getting older, I really wanted to get married and start a family. For stupid reasons, my relationship went really too fast and she became pregnant after 6 months of dating. I was not sure where the relationship was heading and I had my doubts but I wanted to do the right thing so I married her.

Things were fine for the first few years. We had more kids but I never really felt happy or in love with my wife. I don't regret any of the past eight years because of the love I have for my 3 girls.

My wife's father passed away almost 2 years ago. He basically died because he was an alcoholic. I think one of the good things about our marriage was the fact that I really enjoyed my inlaws and my father in law was one of my best friends and I was deeply saddened when he passed. My wife has dealt with it by becoming an alcoholic herself, but she started drinking months before his death, but his death caused her to drink even more.

Things steadily worsened with her drinking until she finally agreed to go to rehab. She did about a two week rehab and has been home now for about 3 weeks. This past weekend I suspected her of having a relapse. I know the difference between when she is sober and drunk and her behavior was very consistent with her having been drinking. I then searched the garage and found 3 wine bottles in the trash. When I confronted her she said they were old and found them in the garage when getting the Christmas decorations out. She basically said she has not been drinking but I don't believe her because she has lied to me so many times. I don't drink at all btw.

This argument lead to me telling her how I feel even without the alcohol situation. I told her that I didn't love her as a woman but I do as the mother of our children and that I think we should separate. She feels I am not giving her a chance because she has only been home from rehab for a few weeks but I explained to her that I have had these feelings for a long time and I finally got the nerve to tell her today. She is shocked and hurt and says that I am just walking away from this marriage.

I always thought maybe having children meant having to sacrifice many things which is true but I am not so sure about having to sacrifice my happiness. When I am home I am so depressed that I kind of go into a hole and I am not the attentive father I should be. I mean I do the things that they need bathe, feed etc and make sure they are safe but I don't play with them as much as I should. I just think it is almost worse for them in this environment where their father is miserable. My big problem is that I cannot leave my home because I have to make sure my kids are safe because of my wife's drinking.

My wife is the primary care giver for the kids and I am the primary bread winner. I basically pay for everything except for the groceries. She has made it clear that she will not leave and I can't leave because of concern for the kids safety. She is a wonderful mom when she is sober but I can't trust that she will be sober for any extended period of time. I know I need to speak with a lawyer, but beyond that I have no idea what to do. I guess I have done the first step in letting her know how I feel. I hate conflict and confrontation but things are going to mighty rough and awkward living in the same house right now, but I'm not sure I have any other choice.

I would love to hear any of your thoughts or questions, so thanks in advance. Also, she suspects me of having met someone else but I promise I have not and am not looking for anything.

[Barbara52]

Welcome.

Yup, seeing a lawyer is the first step. Find out if there is any chance of you getting primary custody. It's no longer true that the mother automatically gets primary custody but it can be a fight.

As someone who grew up in an alcoholic household, getting your children out would be a wonderful gift to them.

[ToughChoices]

Originally Posted by houston28

My wife is the primary care giver for the kids and I am the primary bread winner......She is a wonderful mom when she is sober but I can't trust that she will be sober for any extended period of time.

This strikes me as the key issue.

Lots of people get divorced - they stop loving each other, realize they never loved each other, meet someone new .... whatever. It's tough under "normal" circumstances, but divorcing someone with an alcohol problem brings it's own unique set of challenges - many of which center around childcare issues.

Let's get practical.

What can you do to take care of your kids, without relying on her ability to stay sober (since she doesn't seem to be able to handle that)?
No matter how great a mom she is sober, she isn't sober. That means right now she's dangerous.

Do you have family in town who could help out with the kiddos?
Can you look into after-school care programs that could keep the girls until you're done with work?
Pre-school for the 4 year-old?
A reliable college student to act as a pseudo-nanny?

I know it feels overwhelming.
I had to hire a babysitter for my four year-old, even though his alcoholic father was at home!

Once the urgent childcare issues are sorted out, you'll be in a better place to make other choices about living arrangements, etc...

If she chooses to continue drinking, and you need to prepare for a custody hearing, I'll tell you what my lawyer told me:
Take pictures of empty bottles.
Record conversations about alcohol.
Keep rehab receipts and insurance records.


I'm sorry that you're finding yourself in this difficult situation, but I'm glad that you're here.

Take care and keep posting.
-TC

[FormerDoormat]

It's not surprising that she has accused you of cheating on her. (And I believe you that you haven't cheated). Alcoholics frequently use tactics like that so they can turn the tables on you and claim they're drinking because of something you are doing. Their drinking problem is never their fault.

Have you tried Alanon? It's been very helpful to many of us on this forum. Also, take a look at the stickies at the top of the forum. They contain lots of good information that you'll find useful over the coming months.

[mle-sober]

First of all, I'm the recoverying alcoholic in my family (sober for 10 months). Also, I'm the wife. And I've been through 2 divorces. I have 4 kids. (Just a little background for your frame of reference.)

My biggest piece of advice is to not leave the house and move elsewhere even temporarily. That would give your wife the right to file for full custody based on disertion. I've seen it successfully done. Even though the spouse moving out was just doing so to get some head space. The other spouse got full custody almost immediately.

Before you make any moves, see a lawyer.

You are being brave and honest and forthright. Your wife may attempt to turn your words against you, twist what you say, manipulate you into doing things you don't want to do, etc. Be as gentle as you can with her while you protect your rights as a father.

It doesn't matter what a great mother she is when she's sober, like ToughChoices said. She's not sober. So you should not trust her to take care of the kids.

And I want to reiterate, when I read your post, I thought, "Here is a man who is mature, thoughtful, sensitive, caring and a good dad." You deserve to live your life and to be happy. That is not a malicious thing. It's is a good thing. You're kids will be better for it.

[houston28]

Thank you so much to the three of you that have responded. The child care thing is tough because she is not going to tolerate anyone coming to look after the girls if she is home. She works 7 to 3 so she is home when the kids return from school. She feels she can still be a good mother when drinking, in other words, a functioning alcoholic. But I can tell that she is overwhelmed and gets short with the girls especially when she is sober. She is a very angry and depressed person and I also feel that my oldest daughter is becoming an angry little girl and that breaks my heart. Man I am really confused.

[houston28]

Thanks mle-sober, your kind words meant a lot to me. I feel so guilty for hurting her like this and I want to help her to get sober. I know that I probably shouldn't feel guilty but I really don't know how to let go of the guilt.

[houston28]

Hey Tough Choices

How did your husband react to you getting a babysitter even though he was home? My wife would definitely kick the person right out. Thanks very much for your suggestions. The good thing is that my work is very seasonal in that for seven months out of the year, I am hardly home at all, but in the winter months I only work about 15 hours a week, so at least until April I will be home a lot. I have no idea how to stay sane though!

[ToughChoices]

Before things got CRAZY at my house, my husband would sometimes care for our son after having a few drinks. He hadn't yet admitted to his alcoholism, and I told myself that he was lucid. He was responsible - nothing horrific was occurring.

But it got there. Fast.

One day I arrived home from school (I'm a graduate student) to find an empty house. No answer on my husband's cell phone.

He had decided to take the day off from work, drink until he couldn't see, then pick up our son from pre-school and drive him to the park to "play"!
When he sobered up, he couldn't believe that he would do such a thing. He couldn't remember much of the day. He was ashamed and appalled. But he kept drinking, so there couldn't be any guarantee that the same situation (or worse) wouldn't happen again.

That was when the re-arrangements began for me.

He didn't like it one bit - but that's too bad for him. My innocent child cannot be the one who suffers because his father is unable to consistently make healthy choices.

If, in the beginning, anyone had ever told me that I would be telling this story, I would have told them they were crazy. My husband was different - it wasn't that bad.

I was shocked at the progression.

[Ago]

"To Thine Own Self Be True"

I don't know what that "looks like" for you, but when I stray from that common precept I am harmful to myself and others.

Something I heard once is if I tell the truth it's no longer "my problem", I have found that to be true, I just needed help in finding out what the truth actually was.

I had to work a 12 step program (1.5 actually...never mind lol) get a sponsor and do some therapy as well as "do the reading" to begin to get an idea of who "my own self" actually was, but for me, when I stayed in a relationship I wasn't 100% committed to I not only harmed myself grievously but I robbed this woman of any chance of finding someone who would give her what I wasn't.

I am by no means recommending any course of action other then "to thine own self be true" but from "here" it appears you already have your answers just are having difficulty with the "resolve".

This is purely speculation and opinion but from here, if you were to use "her drinking" as an excuse to leave it wouldn't be any different then her turning the tables about "your supposed infidelity" they both appear to be tactics to draw attention away from the "core issue", I had to be careful to not leave in such a way that I was "the Good Guy" which is of course what I did, I just regret that now.

I am still very close friends with the woman I did that to, and we were talking yesterday, she was telling me how much she would actually liked to be married and have someone in her life full time, and I can't help but think she actually might have that person in her life had I left her when I realized I wasn't a "perfect fit", she has been single since we broke up 2.5 years ago, I probably realized I wasn't "a perfect fit" maybe 6 years ago.

I feel I absolutely stole those years from her in a way although we had a very nice and loving relationship, somewhere deep in the depths of my heart I think I knew she wasn't "the one".

P.S. We have absolutely discussed all of this in subsequent "exit interviews" she knows what I did and why I did it, and we are still "best friends" but the truth is ..... I feel bad about it sometimes...I wish I would have handled the situation with a little more integrity.

[ToughChoices]

Originally Posted by houston28

How did your husband react to you getting a babysitter even though he was home?

He ranted and raved, houston.
I was overreacting. No one was hurt, blah, blah, blah...

He usually responded to the babysitter by locking himself back in the bedroom and drinking while the sitter watched our son. I guess he figured, "Might as well!"

Today, he's much more understanding of the childcare arrangements that are necessary given his addiction and its concomitant unreliability. He's come to accept his alcoholism, and though he's not willing to seek treatment, he understands my inability to tolerate it and my refusal to subject our son to it.

We live apart today.

My life is much more manageable as a single parent. It was a terrifying transition, but I'm doing great and so is the kiddo.

[Janitw]

Welcome Houston.....pull up a chair and keep sharing okay. We have been where you are and Al-Anon has helped alot of us here at SR. I hope that you try it. I was married to my XAH for 22 years and he was what he called himself a functional alcoholic but we all know that there isn't really such a thing. My grown children came to me after he left us for the last time and asked me why I raised them in the manner that I did. Well...that was a hard blow to me because I had always thought that I was doing the right thing by keeping the family together. It was NOT the right thing to do at all. If you feel that your children would benefit even minutely by splitting up then by all means do it. Especially if your daughters are showing the tell tale signs of withdrawing or anger. By staying with an alcoholic we give our children 2 choices in life...they will either become alcoholic themselves or the spouses of alcoholics. Many things can change this course and I hope that you do.....you wife of course should she realize the severity of what her actions are doing can also alter the lives of the 3 darling little girls. I pray that she "sees" what needs to be done and takes care of business. Remember always that kids become what they see. JMHO.

Janitw

[houston28]

Thanks so much Janit. I have tried Al-anon and I need to try some different ones. Everybody here has been so kind in responding to my thread and I really appreciate it. I think the child situation is so much tougher if the alcoholic spouse has such a large role in caring for the kids. Also, no matter what evidence I find she still sticks to her story that she has been sober for a month and I know she has been going to meetings but I just in my heart know that she was drunk two nights ago and that was before I found the bottles. What if I am wrong though?

[Janitw]

Your not wrong hun....now is the time that your gut instincts will tell what is...the best predictor of the future is what was in the past...

[ToughChoices]

Originally Posted by houston28

Also, no matter what evidence I find she still sticks to her story that she has been sober for a month and I know she has been going to meetings but I just in my heart know that she was drunk two nights ago and that was before I found the bottles. What if I am wrong though?

In my experience, alcoholics have to lie to feed their addiction. I think that my husband actually believed his own lies. It's a twisted thought process, and it's difficult to stay sane when someone is insisting that up is down and down is up.

Look around on this board - you'll read stories of alcoholics swearing that they haven't been drinking - after blowing a .30 on a breathalyzer, after being caught, in the act, of swigging from a liter bottle of vodka, after passing out on the lawn "on their way home from AA".

My gut was never wrong about the alcohol.

My AH has proved himself, over time, to be an unreliable witness when it comes to his alcohol consumption.

[denny57]

Originally Posted by houston28

What if I am wrong though?

Ok, what if you are? What's the worst that could happen. When children are involved I think I'd rather be wrong than sorry.

[Janitw]

Ditto Denny......

[ChangingMyself]

Originally Posted by houston28

I know the difference between when she is sober and drunk and her behavior was very consistent with her having been drinking.

As Toby Rice Drews advises in "Getting Them Sober, vol. 1", "Don't worry About Whether (S)He's Really an Alcoholic." We only need concern ourselves with whether someone else's drinking (and this encompasses lack of sobriety and some sort of plan to maintain it) affects us negatively. And what we need to do for ourselves to take care of ourselves in that situation. Sounds like you are on the right track with your determination to do just that for both you and your children.

[beaglebaby]

Agree with everyone. You're not wrong. I could tell as soon as I saw my x whether or not he'd been drinking. And he'd always deny it, even if I found a cold, open beer can.

An A knows how to lie. It's what they do...

[TTOSBT]

Hi Houston,
Welcome to SR!

As a recovering alcoholic wife and mother, I can tell you that you should go with your gut instincts. I can not believe the number of times that I lied straight to my husband's face about my drinking. I did things that I can not imagine doing today. One time I ran out at 10 at night to get more wine (hubby worked graveyards then) and my daughter was asleep. She was 7 at the time. When I came home 20 minutes later and got out of the car, my neighbor from across the street yelled for me. I turned around and there was my little girl with dried tears on her face from waking up and finding herself alone. She went to the neighbors (smart girl). The next day I told my husband the story but told him I ran out to get tampons. Ugh. Anyway, the point is, she is drinking no matter what she tells you. You could always buy a home breathalizer while you are figuring this situation out with the separation.

Okay I will now leave it to the "professionals" I wish you the very best of luck with your very difficult situation.

[DII]

Hi Houston,

My AW just went to inpatient rehab for the second time and has tried outpatient rehab 4-5 times. You always know that they've been drinking but the times they seem to be getting better often cloud your better judgement. My experience is that I should have been stronger soon and separated or divorced. The one thing I would do different if I had it to do over again is focus on what your see and what is happening. The alcoholic knows they are screwing up and drinking. You just get sucked into the situation where she has an excuse to argue with you. The important thing is that YOU know she is drinking and YOU can do something to protect you and your children from her. Telling her about how much you love or don't love her will only make her "turtle" more and keep you in an emotional state rather than an empowered one. Sounds like you don't want to be with her because she's an alcoholic that is endangering your children and not being honest with you in your relationship. You not loving her is a byproduct .

Go with your gut!

[equinessa]

"I have been married for 8 years and I am the father of 3 beautiful girls aged 7,5, and 4. My basic problem is that I am not in love with my wife and I don't know if I ever was. Eight years ago when I was single and getting older, I really wanted to get married and start a family. For stupid reasons, my relationship went really too fast and she became pregnant after 6 months of dating. I was not sure where the relationship was heading and I had my doubts but I wanted to do the right thing so I married her."


OK devil's advocate here. If you have never loved your wife, what makes you think that "doing the right thing" is marrying her? There are countless single mum's who are have chosen to be single. Some have been in marriages, some have opted to have the kid/s because the biological clock was ticking and they had not found "the one" but didn't want to risk "the one" showing up too late for their reproductive clocks.

Sorry, I know that your wife is responsible for her sobriety etc, but surely the fact that she became pregnant is at least half your responsibility as is marrying someone you didn't really feel you loved. But hey we live our lives front to back and hindsight is 20/20isn't it. Why you chose to mary someone you didn't love is your business. Personally I think that is as sad as alcoholism.


I married a man who is an alcoholic, i didn't know he was at the time, or where this disease would take me, but it is I who made the decision and I am responsible for making it. Nobody held a gun to my head.

Houston you said that "the first few years were fine....but you never felt happy or in love with your wife. I hate to tell you this (and I may not be interptreting your post correctly) but if you are not a happy person, being with or without our wife isn't necessarily going to change that. You will still be the same unhappy person.

I am a newcomer and that is what I am beginning to grasp/learn in al-anon. My happiness is up to me. Sucks doesn't it?

[equinessa]

By jingos, i just re-read that and it sounds a bit tough. I'm sorry. I think it is because i cannot imagine how that must feel for your wife as well, knowing that you do not/never have loved her. And fighting an addiction to alcohol on top of it all.

A very sad situation.

Best thoughts for the five of you.

[Janitw]

Remember Houston....with regards to what you read here...take what you want and leave the rest...and click on any of our names to read our histories ok. Stand strong sweetie.

Janitw

[Fulldresser4]

Houston...(((hugs))). I am a recovering alcoholic. My husband informed me a few months ago that he was having an affair and wanted a divorce. He has since moved in with his girlfriend. I was laid off from my job, and we are losing our house. I tell you this only for frame of reference. This is what it took for ME to hit my rock bottom, to be humbled, and to fall to my knees. I just received my 90 day coin last Friday (this is my third time).

That said, I can tell you this as an alcoholic. He would find empty bottles everywhere - the garbage, hidden in the cupboards behind stuff, in file cabinets, absolutely insane places. I would tell him that they were from "before I quit".
He would come home and I would be drunk. I would tell him that they were from the muscle relaxer I took because I was "stressed". I would go to the store under the guise of needing milk, or sugar, or dish detergent, or whatever. I would pour my booze into the Big Gulp cup along with the little bit of pop, and drink it and he was none the wiser. I would hide it in my truck, in the couch, in the bedroom between the mattresses, wherever I could get to it easily when he left the room.
I say this sadly, not proudly. I was simply not capable of being honest. Today I can look back and see how sick and twisted, and simply insane, this behavior was. Today I know that I had to be humbled and surrender, and cry out for help. Today, God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. And today, I take it one day at a time.
I hope somehow this helps. You and your girls will be in my prayers.

Annie