Complicated Situation

[prodigal]

Originally Posted by mle-sober

Just because you can tell your wife has been drinking, doesn't mean a breath test couldn't be a powerful tool. And obviously, Jazzman, it's not intended for times when you aren't there to administer it. It's intended precisely for when you are there and she is lying to you.

I'm glad this worked for you. And for the sake of your children. However, I can only speak from the experience I've had with my AH, and the fact that I've lived with him long enough to know him pretty well. If I even suggested my AH try a breathalyzer, he'd tell me where I could stick it.

[Ago]

Breathalyzer + Active Alcoholic = Bad News

We used them as party favors to see who could blow the highest. If someones Wife bought one, we'd steal it...just a bad idea if the alcoholic was anything like me.

My experiences with them were about verbatim as this tasteless story...literally

TuckerMax.com | The Famous "Sushi Pants" Story

There has to be a better way...sorry...just my alky hat thinking.

[Jazzman]

Originally Posted by FormerDoormat

From what you've shared here, your wife lies about her drinking, she lies about where she's been, who she's been talking to, who's she's been sleeping with, who was responsible for her multiple car accidents.

I've gone back and re-read every post by Houston and I'm seeing she lied about her drinking prior to rehab (to be expected) and Houston suspects she relapsed and lied about that after her rehab. Maybe I'm missing something or maybe we're talking about two different posters...

Originally Posted by houston28

I wanted to get the breathalyzer for those times when I know she is drunk and she lies to me and says she has not been......

She was in rehab for just ten days and came out very positive about her sobriety. She is attending AA meetings almost every night. At least that what she tells me

The reason I was asking is because a two week rehab is kinda like rehab lite. Most programs worth their weight are 30 days in house, have a follow up program and encourage 90 AA meetings in 90 days after completing the in house program. Did she not complete the program or was it really just a two week program? It's a good thing she's going to AA meetings, if indeed she is.

I was also trying to get an idea if she had a court record of multiple DUIs. I see your point about the breathalyzer so thanks for clearing that up. It sounds like you want to ensure she is indeed taking her sobriety seriously.

[MissFixit]

I am out of my depth with this, but I have been reading your posts. Wouldn't using the breathalyzer just humiliate her and provoke her. If she is going to lie, then she will lie test or no test.

I completely understand about not wanting her to drive with the kids if she has been drinking. If that is even an option right now, then maybe driving with the kids should be off the table.

Don't want to add to your confusion, but these two things really stand out to me.

[denny57]

What will you do after April when your seasonal work starts up again and you are hardly there?

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by MissFixit

I am out of my depth with this, but I have been reading your posts. Wouldn't using the breathalyzer just humiliate her and provoke her. If she is going to lie, then she will lie test or no test.

I was thnking the same thing. ALso isn't using a breathalyzer along the same lines of counting beers or whatever? Is it a good idea to play alcohol police? {shrug}

Originally Posted by MissFixit

I completely understand about not wanting her to drive with the kids if she has been drinking. If that is even an option right now, then maybe driving with the kids should be off the table.

That sounds more like I would want to do.

[houston28]

Jazzman

Yeah it has to be a different poster as I do suspect my wife of cheating with other men. She did a rehab program that was basically covered by our insurance that they said would last anywhere from 1-2 weeks and she ended up doing like 11 days. She has been trying to do the 90 meetings in 90 days and since she has been home she supposedly is going and I have suspected her of drinking two times since she has been out of rehab but she definitely doesn't drink every day.

Denny

I have no idea about what happens in April. I mean how long does one have to be sober until they can be trusted with child care again. I mean I have faith that she will get better because I want my girls to have their mother. If we divorce I would like to have joint custody split 50/50. Obviously, if she is still drinking I will push for sole custody. The girls won't understand at all they adore their mother and in their eyes she can do no wrong.

[denny57]

Originally Posted by houston28

I mean I have faith that she will get better because I want my girls to have their mother.

Thanks for responding. That is, I think, a really important statement to take a look at. I had faith xAH would get better for a lot of selfish reasons. I don't mean selfish in a judgmental way, either. I was blinded by how I wanted things to be in my ideal world and today I believe I hurt more than helped xAH in the process.

Check out the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum. Many of my friends come from alcoholic homes and the stories are not pretty; the damage runs deep.

((( )))

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by houston28

I have faith that she will get better because I want my girls to have their mother.

On what do you base this "faith" that she will get serious about her recovery? I mean you are in here right now because she isn't staying sober.

As for the girls, yes, they love their mother. They are also learning from her what it means to be an adult woman and mother and wife. Are they learning what you would want them to learn? Lord knows I loved my alcoholic mother (still do) but I sure learned a whole lot of things from her and alcoholic dad that I wish I had never learned.

[Jazzman]

If/when you do talk to a lawyer I would suggest you approach it as a fact finding mission rather than going in with both guns blazing. Getting aggressive lawyers involved can be similar to staring a big snow ball effect where the momentum can get out of control. Getting educated as to the domestic laws of my state and my rights as a father helped me immensely when I went through my divorce. Much of it I could read up on the state judicial web site. I also learned just how hard it can be to prove a mother unfit, even in circumstances worse than your own.

[TTOSBT]

Wow Barb, isn't THAT the truth!
I learned a whole heck of a lot from my mother. The most important being that I could be a closet drunk as long as I was functional and "looked good". No one taught me that there was so much more to life.

Mle-I loved your share. Very powerful. I cringed imagining my husband doing that. But now I wish he had. I still can not believe that I thought that I was okay to drive my daughter in the car. As alcoholics, our thinking is I impaired even when we are not drunk.

houston,
As far as AA goes, is your wife working a recovery program? That means a lot more than showing up at meetings. Does she have a Big Book, does she read it, does she call women in the program, have a sponsor, volunteer? Honestly, actions speak so much louder than words and she has to want this for HER. I had so much guilt and shame over what I put my husband and kids through but I was the only one that could save me. My husband has very little to do with my recovery, he has his own. He attends Al-anon and sees a therapist once a week. We are both making great progress and it feels good.

Keep sharing, being honest, vigilant in regards to the kids, and try some Al-anon meetings. I wish you the VERY best.

[mle-sober]

Originally Posted by Barbara52

ALso isn't using a breathalyzer along the same lines of counting beers or whatever? Is it a good idea to play alcohol police? {shrug}

In my situation, which sounds similar to Houston's wife possibly, I agreed to having and using the breathylizer test because I wanted him to trust me. She is saying she's in recovery. She is saying she's attending AA. But he suspects her of drinking.

There is nothing wrong with him asking her if she would mind agreeing to help build trust in her initial recovery by occassionally taking a breath test if she's planning on driving and he's worried about her having been drinking.

She might be relieved to have such a test in the house. If she's not drinking and she's having the stress of him constantly suspecting her, a breath test could diffuse the situation. She might happily agree to such a thing.

If she doesn't agree, it doesn't necessarily mean she's drinking. But I would say it's a strong indicator.

Likewise, if she does agree, it's a pretty potent indicator that she's either searching for recovery or actively in recovery. It is important that he not abuse that agreement and that he only use it for those times where she's about to drive, I'd think. It's also important that as she demonstrates her recovery, he demonstrates that his trust is growing also and stops using it at some point.

After I was sober, my husband still had a hard time trusting me, understandably. But we needed to rebuild trust and I recognized that I was responsible for a large part of that. I was so relieved to have something that proved my innocence when he was obviously worried and anxious. I sometimes got out the breath test and did it in front of him just to help him even when he didn't request it. Because I could see in his body language that he was anxious.

At the same time, I had a sponsor, I was working the steps (he could see me reading the Big Book) and I was logging in here multiple times a day. I showed him the site so he could see what I was working on and why it was important to me.

My marriage is so important to me that when I realized how horribly off-road I'd gone, I searched for whatever ways I could find which would help me be utterly transparent to him. And I've been doing that ever since. We are slowly healing.

I respect the idea that the spouse shouldn't have to monitor or watch the A. But in the very beginning, I think for trust to begin to build, transparency, honesty and absolute forthrightness is so important, that sometimes, it might look like the spouse is trying to control but really the two partners are just trying to get back on the same page.

And where you have a chance to intervene in a situation where your A-spouse says they aren't drinking and they want to drive your children somewhere, but you suspect them of drinking, you should intervene.