Addicted To Misery...

[Fluxion]

I realize, looking back that I have been subjected myself to, painful situations most of my life, and truly believed it was my (addicted/alcoholic) partners causing my "misery".

I see a lot of people obsessing over hurtful partners and I would like to share something...

I read a book called, "Addicted To Misery", by Robert Becker. It scared the crap out of me at first, but the truth of it helped me REALLY change my life. Heres an excerpt I found particularly eye-opening (and helpful).:

"Getting Familiar With Misery:

Co-dependency teaches us many ways of dealing with life. Unfortunately, these ways often create prolonged unhappiness, making us so familiar with misery that we come to feel it is normal. We learn that being unhappy and having things go wrong is to be expected. Whether our codependency expectations come from the families we grew up in or from living with someone who is dependent, we are prepared for a life with many disappointments, frustrations and misery. Getting used to the traumas and unpredictable situations is hard at first, but we do learn, in order to survive. These experiences shape our thinking such that we imagine and experience situation after situation that is never what we want, never the way it should be, never right. This is where our familiarity with misery begins as a co-dependent.

Pre-existing Developmental Impairments

Children growing up in dysfunctional (another new word) families where things are out of control, develop emotional impairments which stay with them for life. These may take the form of not trusting themselves or others, inability to talk about their feelings, and the most hurtful, the inability to feel their feelings. Imagine the frustration of having something that hurts inside your body, yet not being able to point to where the pain is. Additionally, we become rigid and inflexible, we only like things that are either black or white, right or wrong, and we hate situations that leave unclear results. When that happens, we have feelings of nervousness and anxiety that we can't explain but we suffer with them patiently. As adults we see the world this way and cope with it by seeking ways to deal with our distrust, repression of feelings and rigidity. Avoiding boredom, finding excitement and looking for approval and acceptance become our daily tasks.

These conditions set the emotional stage for us to develop co-dependency. They also dictate the direction that many of our adult interpersonal relationships will take. Tragically, we choose persons to have relationships with for all the wrong reasons like:

"He needs me. I can make him better. Who will take care of him if I don't? I know I can make him happier than he has ever been. I don't think I can get anybody else." These reasons show how we feel about ourselves. Woody Allen had a line in his movie, Annie Hall, that fits co-dependents so well. "I would never want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member."

Who would really take us seriously? Our only real value lies in what we can do for others and that is never appreciated. Our self-image is so poor, our way of addressing feelings so inadequate, that we remain hopelessly stuck. We need to understand the origins of these conditions if any meaningful change is to occur in our lives.

Internalizing Feelings And Our Self-Image

Probably the earliest behavior we learn in getting familiar with misery is to internalize or stuff our feelings. Simply put, this means we don't talk about what feels bad, what feels good, what feels sad or what we feel. Instead, we keep the feelings inside and try to make them go away.
Having to push our emotions inside makes us feel that no one cares. For a child, this is devastating. Unresponsive parents, caught up in their own problems, give children inaccurate messages. The distressed mother, struggling with her alcoholic husband, is oftentimes too preoccupied to deal with the emotional needs of her child. I've seen this over and over with many adult children of alcoholics. They say, "I never talked about how I felt. I was too busy trying to help keep the peace. I never felt anyone cared."

Familiar Versus Unfamiliar Experiences

Power and Control

The experiences of a child living in a dysfunctional home, be it alcoholic, abusive, divorced or emotionally dead, certainly teach two things, first, how important it is to gain as much control in life as possible, and second, never to be powerless over anything because being powerless means to lack control and having no control results in misery.

Dysfunctional families give us the terrible feeling of being out of control and the knowledge of how powerless we are. You make a pact with yourself early in life that, as soon as possible, you will gain control and have power over the events of your life. You can see this happen in young children when they begin withdrawing from people. They shy away from others, especially grownups, and want to be left alone. This is the root of shyness or self-centered fear of what others might think about us. Yet we do this as a way to use our power to stop others from controlling us.

Dependent on Feeling Miserable

As the emotional trauma of our dysfunctional family unfolds, teaching us so many wrong realities, our codependency is spawned. Seeing the world as chaotic, out of control and not meaningful, forces us to learn to cope in poor ways. Yet, living with constant stress causes us to use defenses to deal with the real world. We become defended rather than defensive. The psychic numbing, or repression of memory and feelings, starts the misery which begins the dependency. It is what we come to expect. It is what feels normal. It is what we miss when it is absent. We depend on feeling miserable and we find the uncertainty, when that misery subsides, to be frustrating, worrisome and downright uncomfortable.

Attachment and Detachment

Getting familiar with misery teaches us many painful things. The relationships we form become places of great misery, making loneliness and disassociation the only sanctuary for an absence of misery.

Attachment is a process whereby you become emotionally and physically dependent on someone to take care of you. Children attach to parents as a means of survival. The process is appropriate in that case but when adults attach themselves to other adults, relationships are threatened, power and control issues are great and sick dependencies are spawned.

Even though closeness is avoided, misery addicts and co-dependents often become attached to people and relationships that are destructive, uncaring and unsupportive. The attachment provides a false sense of security and belonging. For most ATMs and co-dependents, fear of abandonment is so great that they will do anything to avoid it. This comes from living in families where people were never really there for them emotionally.

The main problem with attachment is the pain and restriction of freedom experienced by being so emotionally connected to someone. The dependency on this attachment makes it impossible to be independent and secure. Until the co-dependent learns to detach, recovery is threatened.

Detachment is a process of letting go of that "I can't live without this person" feeling. To detach, self-confidence must emerge and the person's self-reliance must take over. When I explain this to my clients, sometimes they think I am suggesting that they stop loving or caring about their spouses or partners. As I discussed earlier, taking care of is a very unhealthy process, though caring for is certainly desirable. Detaching is learning to care for, not take care of. It is a process of becoming un-dependent on the effects of others. This prevents us from being controlled by the emotional needs of others, or worse, trying to change them, as a way to feel better.

Anhedonia

Most of the discussion in this chapter has been to explain the process of how we get familiar with misery. It is important to understand this and see what getting familiar with misery does to us emotionally.

Anhedonia is a psychological condition, defined as the inability to be happy, have fun, or experience common sensual pleasures. Becoming familiar with misery results in just these things. We don't consider ourselves emotionally ill but we find it difficult to balance unpleasant experiences with pleasant ones. As experiences accumulate and we are chronically unhappy and scared, we become anhedonic. Another way to view anhedonia is as a state of numbness. So often, as people seek help, they discover how difficult it is to identify any feelings, after such prolonged exposure to these conditions.

This inability to be happy is not symptomatic only of depression. Certainly, a symptom of depression is the loss of interest in common activities, but that disappears after successful intervention with medication or psychotherapy. This symptom, loss of pleasure, remains only until the biochemical elements kick in, in an endogenous depression caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. In a reactive depression there is a direct causal connection to a situation, e.g. in a divorce, once the person has therapeutically worked through the trauma or crisis, he is able to revert to normal functioning and experience pleasure once again.

Not so with ATMs! ATMs who have left the reactive situations which caused loss of pleasure may continue to have the symptom for up to two years. Their anhedonia is connected to their long familiar history of misery and even when life improves, things just don't feel good.

This condition must be identified and worked with as a treatment issue if the addiction to misery is to be dismantled. Due to chronic unhappy experiences, it will take time for the emotional system to respond to things as they really are. During the recovery period, we will have to work very hard at identifying and processing these good feelings until they are familiar.

Laboratory Experiments

1. Try to remember what the rules were in your home when you were growing up. Identify what your family taught you about your feelings, about trusting and talking. Be specific.

2. If stuffing feelings is what you generally do, think back to when this began. Ask yourself why? Work hard at remembering how feelings were dealt with while you were growing up. List specific situations when you remember not being able to express feelings.

3. Explore what you think was familiar for you as a child about trusting others, risking, caring for yourself.

4. Think about how long you have felt miserable and how many times, when things were going well, you somehow found a way to mess them up and get back to the misery.
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[Bernadette]

Whoa!! Heavy stuff.
Very interesting...I realized at some point I had to stop investing in disappointment and start investing in satisfaction with myself and my choices-- it means working harder for things and being really honest and more disciplines with myself about my strengths and weaknesses...
"sigh*
still workin at it!!
thanks flux-
B.

[justsomegirl]

I see too much of myself there...I just wish doing something about it was as easy as realizing it. I wonder why I continue on when I would probably be less lonely on my own. I anticipate the worst in every sitaution and I am seldom wrong.

[genrs123]

You know, i dont have to read this post to know that im unhappy and i wouldnt say im addicted to it but im addicted to unhealthy behavior and thought patterns that in turn, lead to misery.

but what id like to know is the WHAT NEXT. where do you go after you proclaim yourself an ATM person, or whatever or you have Anhedonia.

What are you supposed to do??????????????????????????????????

[Fluxion]

Hi Bernadette,
I wish I knew how to do that "quote thing, I would just quote your whole post, cause I could have written it myself... This passage describes my relationships perfectly:


"Even though closeness is avoided, misery addicts and co-dependents often become attached to people and relationships that are destructive, uncaring and unsupportive. The attachment provides a false sense of security and belonging. For most ATMs and co-dependents, fear of abandonment is so great that they will do anything to avoid it. This comes from living in families where people were never really there for them emotionally."

Like you said it's a lot of work. I started here:

"process of becoming un-dependent on the effects of others. This prevents us from being controlled by the emotional needs of others, or worse, trying to change them, as a way to feel better."

"And Miles to go before I sleep" (LOL!)

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by justsomegirl

I anticipate the worst in every sitaution and I am seldom wrong.

Ever hear of self fulfilling prophecy? Perhaps by anticipating the worse you are actually helping the worst to happen?

I know it sound trite but I have found my attitude and the outcome I expect does influence how "things" turn out. If I expect a bad resutl, that often what I get. If I expect a good result, that's often what I get.

[Fluxion]

Hi justsomegirl and genrs123,

jsg, you wrote, "I just wish doing something about it was as easy as realizing it"

Ain't it the truth!

I am trying a lot ways to heal myself...

I read, I learn, I practice... I was even considering the Twelve Step program. I did go to a couple of Alon meetings and...that just didn't seem right for me. Maybe it was just the particular group I attended. But I got a lot more out of the AA meetings...

I have no perfect formula, but at least I am on the right path...for me.

[coyote21]

I believe Abraham Lincoln was the guy who said something to the effect of "Most men (women) are just about as happy as they decide to be".

I know that is true in my case, it's a really "simple" concept, just not always so "easy".

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. And now the winner for the most annoying post of the day goes to......Coyote!

[GiveLove]

That's all me in a nutshell.

At least, it was.

I was addicted to misery, so I had to do what addicts do:

--taper down and quit
--keep myself from getting hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (for a couple of years!)
--substitute healthy behaviors for the sick ones
--develop a support group of healthy people to replace the sick ones I'd felt most comfortable being around
--do lots of inner work to heal what was broken

Most of all, I had to want to get better. I had to recognize what it was I was getting out of staying sick and sad. There definitely was a huge payoff to it......I was the center of attention, I had nonstop TV drama in my life which made me feel important, it was always someone/something else's job to make me happy or not, I had my childhood hysteria back so I could "try to get it right this time....." Just a ton of reasons to stay exactly where I was.

I just had to find something that was more valuable to me than the profits I reaped from being unhealthy. Until then, all the therapy, antidepressents, and self-help books in the world didn't help.

Thanks SO much for this post, fluxion. I needed this reminder tonight, as I am backsliding a little bit.

[Bernadette]

I think I really made progress when I did a course of CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy).
I was so blue and depressed and even with a few years of recovery work and counseling I still had this cloud over me!

At a University nearby I got a CBT counselor - very cheap $15/week - it was a program run by grad students overseen by practicing therapists. WOW it really opened my eyes to the responsibility I bear for my very thoughts and how strongly they affect me!

I liked CBT because I had "homework" it was very practical therapy - it wasn't hours of talking about my alcoholic family & childhood - it was hours of paying attention to my thoughts and breaking them down on a scale from rational to irrational. And finding a way to be honest with myself- not tear Myself down all the time- but also not just fake Pollyanna sappy positive. Rational. Rational. Rational.

I had to "learn" it. It didn't come naturally. I still need to be mindful - especially as winter and the holidays and darkness come- I have to be on guard for savage self-defeating thoughts-- see where they are coming from and actively replace them with REALITY and rational thinking.....

I find face to face therapy takes me farther faster but there is a workbook "The Feeling Good Handbook" (I think) that shows a lot of the scales and exercises we used in CBT.

Progress, not perfection right?
Peace-
B.

[denny57]

I am one of the happiest people I know. I managed to be happy through most of my marriage, even when times were miserable. I look back now and think it's part of what kept me stuck - I tended to (and still do) take the position life is good.

That was an easy attitude to maintain in the beginning. As the disease progressed and the abuse became worse, not so easy. I am not addicted to misery, but I sure became miserable and did not see a way out.

I spent the weekend with some friends up in the mountains. Someone said to me "it's nice to have happy Denny back."

((( )))

[Fluxion]

Ya know Denny, it's funny you mention that...

I was also one of the happiest people you'd ever want to meet, Optimistic to a fault, (Malignant optimism). Thats what I though kept me "stuck" too. Yet I had two relationships with abusive alcoholics? Why'd I do that?

When things got ugly, my friends would say, "you change when he's around, your not your usual funny, outgoing self"(this is why I blamed HIM for so long, "if he would just stop being a jerk" ect...).
That was true, I did change for the worse, so WHY did I do THAT?

Looking back, I remember thinking, as a kid, "I WILL have a good life, "in spite" of "this", I Will be happy, "in spite" of "this". I don't think I said it or anything, I just BELIEVED it. I can see now, how maybe I am drawn toward something/someone to be happy "In Spite Of".

Without something to be "Against", I seem to flounder. I need to learn how to get that same drive and focus moving toward something I am "FOR" rather than away from something I am "AGAINST". Once I truly own my own life, it seems I hardly know what to do with it lol!

Thanks for your comments, really made me think today.

[denny57]

I know for me, I did not "change" until about 10-11 years into the relationship. That is when people started to comment. It also coincided with the progression of xAH's disease. That, to me, is co-dependence.

I chose to be with xAH because he was funny, charming, smart and ambitious. We shared a love of travel and film. We had the same sense of humor. We built a business together over these shared loves. I didn't enter the relationship to "fix" him because I never suspected he was broken. Through therapy I've learned why I stayed and tried to fix it all when the going got really bad.

It's all been great stuff to discover and work on.

[Fluxion]

Originally Posted by denny57

I chose to be with xAH because he was funny, charming, smart and ambitious. We shared a love of travel and film. We had the same sense of humor. We built a business together over these shared loves. I didn't enter the relationship to "fix" him because I never suspected he was broken.

That was my "truth" too for a long time. Thanks for reminding me how far I've come.

[denny57]

What do you mean by putting "truth" in quotations?

[Reminder]

Originally Posted by Fluxion

I realize, looking back that I have been subjected myself to, painful situations most of my life, and truly believed it was my (addicted/alcoholic) partners causing my "misery".

I see a lot of people obsessing over hurtful partners and I would like to share something...

I read a book called, "Addicted To Misery", by Robert Becker. It scared the crap out of me at first, but the truth of it helped me REALLY change my life. Heres an excerpt I found particularly eye-opening (and helpful).:

Hi Fluxion:

I don't really get the "addicted to misery" concept. Addiction may bring a lot of misery to one's life, but without the experience of pleasure no one would be addicted to anything.

Peace.

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by Reminder

Hi Fluxion:

I don't really get the "addicted to misery" concept. Addiction may bring a lot of misery to one's life, but without the experience of pleasure no one would be addicted to anything.

Peace.

I have no problem understanding the concept of addiciton to misery having grown up in an alcoholic family. It is not necessarily pleasure that leads to addiction. It can be the absence (temporary as it may be) of pain. It can be learned behaviors.

I thought the misery was normal, what I deserved. I had learned a multitude of dysfunctional ways of living, behaving and thinking that led me to seek misery really. It's why my second marriage was to an alcoholic. But I'm making great progress in unlearning all that bagage and can see healthier ways now.

[Fluxion]

Hi Reminder,
To add to what Barbara said. (From the Book Addicted To Misery")

"A working definition of persons who are addicted to misery is:

Persons who have experienced a chronic and prolonged state of misery or unhappiness and maintained that misery by creating catastrophic expectations about the changes required to stop the addiction; and/or who, once the changes occur, experience significant discomfort with happiness, self-satisfaction and pleasure, such that they cause either purposeful or subconsciously directed behaviors to return them to the misery."

[Reminder]

Originally Posted by Barbara52

I have no problem understanding the concept of addiciton to misery having grown up in an alcoholic family. It is not necessarily pleasure that leads to addiction. It can be the absence (temporary as it may be) of pain. It can be learned behaviors.

I thought the misery was normal, what I deserved. I had learned a multitude of dysfunctional ways of living, behaving and thinking that led me to seek misery really. It's why my second marriage was to an alcoholic. But I'm making great progress in unlearning all that bagage and can see healthier ways now.

Hi Barbara:

I understand what you are saying. I just question the terminology that is being used. Is it addiction to misery or is it fear of getting out of one's comfort zone that keeps us in abusive relationships? For me, it's the latter and not the former.

Peace.

[Ago]

Originally Posted by Reminder

Hi Barbara:

I understand what you are saying. I just question the terminology that is being used. Is it addiction to misery or is it fear of getting out of one's comfort zone that keeps us in abusive relationships? For me, it's the latter and not the former.

Peace.

agree with you here about the comfort zone, but agree with the other side as well

I get in dysfunctional family systems because they are comfortable, it's what I knew as a child, if I stay in them I then become addicted to misery, when I leave one and switch to another I am "switching addictions" because it's comfortable then I'm just "miserable" again

six of one, half dozen of the other

po tay to
po tah to

same "root"

you want to see someone be really miserable, look at someone's dysfunctional family relationship that is "breaking up" because it's not working any more.

I mean everything I have ever tried to "let go" of has claw marks on it, but that shyte gets like....shredded.

really bizarre actually, "this makes me miserable but no WAY am I letting it go"

Like Stockholm Syndrome on Crack

[LaTeeDa]

Originally Posted by Reminder

I understand what you are saying. I just question the terminology that is being used. Is it addiction to misery or is it fear of getting out of one's comfort zone that keeps us in abusive relationships? For me, it's the latter and not the former.

Sounds surprisingly similar to the things the alcoholic says. Like, I'm not an alcoholic, I just drink to relax. Drinking is their "comfort zone."

L

[denny57]

I don't think people are born with a misery gene, but what do I know? More will be revealed. :-)

[LaTeeDa]

That's a good point, but there are many things one can be addicted to without a gene......

L

[denny57]

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa

That's a good point, but there are many things one can be addicted to without a gene......L

I agree, I'm just not sure if that's learned behavior or addiction. When it comes to misery addiction, et al, I tend to think it's learned behavior. I'm always open to being shown some evidence otherwise.

[LaTeeDa]

I posted something I read about brain research a while back. I'll see if I can find it.

L