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|11-03-2008, 02:48 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2008
Getting pregnant to get sober
(I already posted this on the 12 step forum, and was told it might be better off overhere, so here goes )
There is this girl I know who is an alcoholic, she drinks a lot of beer and wine every day and also takes amfetamines (every 4 days or so).
Now she wants to get pregnant because she "knows" it's the only way she'll stop.
I've seen this before, and when she's pregnant within a month she's drinking and using again, dumps the boyfriend and has an abortion. This has happened 3 times during the past 2 years.
She has a new boyfriend now and he doesn't want children yet. Now her plan is to get pregnant by him as soon as possible.... hoping he will accept it and take care of the baby.
How should I approach her?
She's definitely going through with this, and she's been drinking and using for so long, that if getting pregnant would make her stop as a last desperate attempt I could understand it (from her point of view).
But it won't work, I know it won't, she'll just end up having another abortion and another ex boyfriend to add to the list. Either that or she'll drink and drug throughout the pregnancy like she did the last time (about six months ago) when she ended up having a miscarriage in bed in the middle of the night.
I really care for her and I just want to save her.
There is no point in telling her she's been through all this before and is making the same mistake again because she really doesn't listen and will tell me "this time it's going to be different". She's highly convinced it will.
Any tips on what to say to her?
|11-03-2008, 02:52 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
That is just sad. sorry I don't have any advice, it kinda makes me sick.
|11-03-2008, 02:59 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Feb 2008
You can't save her.
An alcoholic will not change until the pain of living the way they are outweighs the fear of getting sober.
I have two alcoholic daughters, neither of whom I tell how to run their lives.
I give them the dignity to make their own decisions, right or wrong.
Other than my daughters, I don't associate with active alcoholics because I prefer to surround myself with others in recovery.
From what you've written, saying anything to her isn't going to make a tinker's damn of difference in her mind/behaviors.
Just my opinion.
DeVon & the Zoo Crew
An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
--Orlando A. Battista
|11-03-2008, 03:02 PM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
You can't save her. But you don't have to watch her kill herself and her unborn children over and over and over again. You can tell her that you find her behavior unacceptable and choose to be friends with people who have similar values to you and who will be a positive influence on your life. That's what real friends are for.
|11-03-2008, 04:19 PM||#5 (permalink)|
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Real friends don't put other friends through this kind of stress. When I started to choose my friends more wisely, my life improved dramatically. Alanon helped me realize that I invited insanity into my life by choosing to surround myself with emotionally unbalanced people. It also helped me realize that the only person I can save is myself.
When others' addictions and poor behaviors were causing me harm, Alanon was the answer.
"Get busy living or get busy dying." --Shawshank Redemption
"Do I want to live while I'm alive and embrace what sustains me or do I want to die while I'm alive and embrace what destroys me?--Geneen Roth
"The bare minimum my partner needs to give me is 100%."--Wpgwoman
|11-03-2008, 04:21 PM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2008
You need to google Fetal Alcohol syndrome or find as much information on this disease as possible.
This occurs when a mother drinks too much in their pregnancy.
Symptoms range from mild to moderate.
They can include brain damage, not being able to walk, poor eyesight, eyelids drooping shut so surgery is needed to stich them open. They can develop Turners syndrome, especially if she has a baby girl. The child might have anger problems, not be able to talk, maybe not hear. Most children cannot go to school, some cannot sit up straight.
I amall for a woman to have the right to choose if she continue a pregnancy, but to use this optionas birth control is wrong and unhealthy. I dout if she will be able to concieve if she has multiple procedures.
If she cannot get through life now without a drink, how much will she need to drink or drugs when she has a demanding disabled baby.
Ask her would you give a baby a vodka and coke? I am sure she would say no, thats wrong, illegal, immoral etc.
But every time she has a drink or takes drugs, alcohol or amphetamines will pass through her bllodstream to the baby
|11-03-2008, 04:29 PM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2008
Sorry this comes from two posts, but I lost the first really long one I did. So I thought I would do them a bit shorter.
I am not surprised she miscarried and I don't want that to sound nasty. Alcohol and drugs and cigarettes (esp. cigs) are up there as a huge reason why women miscarry. Cigarettes can lead to stillbirth (the baby dies in the womb), cot death, chest and lung problems and low birth weight.
If your frind was ill and wne to the doctors, there would be very little medication that she could take safely as she is pregnant. In the 60's a drug called thalidomide was prescribed for morning sickness. Lots of babies were born with arms or legs missing. The drug was strictly recalled.
If a legal drug can cause that sort of damage to a baby, what could a an illegal street drug do to a baby? It could be mixed with anything.
There is a reason why medical drugs and treatments cannot be used in pregnancy. NOBODY knows the effect on the child.
|11-03-2008, 04:30 PM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2008
I would just hand her the number to local AA and tell her I think she needs this.
And then just step off.
What can you do? Nothing. Until she sees the insanity of her ways herself and decides enough is enough she will not change.
Maybe as Rebecca4 suggested, I would print out a simple list of the effects of FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) and hand it to her with the number to AA. Two slips of paper. No explanation necessary.
Peace to you - this is so disturbing I'm sendng a prayer your way too...
|11-03-2008, 04:35 PM||#9 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2008
I suppose what I am trying to say is that if your friend is taking a gamble. Maybe a baby might be the makiing of her. But if she takes risks with drink and drugs, she will not have the cute, happy baby she wants. She could have a very disformed and disabled baby who will make huge demands on her.
Disabled babies can bring many rewards. But I do not think any parent in the world would not admit they are hard work, draining and demanding.
Most patients would want their child to be happy and healthy and be able to play, swim, go to scholl, grow up and get married. No ten year old would ask to be in diapers, or unable to sit up on their own.
It might not happen, but it could so why take the risk.
I think that if you tell her this and inform her, then you have done all you ca, and might be able to feel at peace with yourself. You did all you could.
|11-03-2008, 04:43 PM||#10 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2008
I have friend who was desperate for a baby, but their could be a chnce she might not after being treated for breast cancer.
She finally got pregnant, it was a miracle.
She reused to drink, eat certain cheses, raw eggs, pate, even not use certain aromatherapy oils due to the risk to her child.
However, she had no problem smoking 20 ciggarettes a day. She had to give birth to a stillborn dead baby at 36 weeks. After that the cancer returned and now she can never have children
I am not saying smoking did cause it because we will never know for sure. However doctors have proved that smoking and drinking can lead to stillbirth, low birth weight, chest and lung problems and asthma and also problems during labour.
Is nine months really that long to wait for a drink, a drug or a smoke to avoid the horrible things that could happen?
She has a choice, her baby does not.
Best to you
|11-04-2008, 02:31 AM||#11 (permalink)|
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
I think you just answered all your questions right here. There is no point, you wont save her, she wont listen and nothing will be any different until she grows up and wants to get better herself. No baby, boyfriend, relative etc is going to change this mentality.
From what you have said your friend is nuts!! Start making boundaries and find some AA info you can give her. Lets just pray she doesnt get pregnant again.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 11-04-2008 at 07:21 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
|11-04-2008, 09:08 AM||#12 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Blog Entries: 2
As the sister of a fetal alcoholic syndrome baby (now grown up, if you could call it that) I'd encourage you to give her information on FAS, along with the local AA number, and then get as far away from this cruel, stupid, self-centered person as you can.
Sorry to be so judgmental, but this is a person who is willing to create a living being whose life will likely be a living hell, who is willing to trap an unwilling man into fatherhood (did I mention I am also the daughter of a man who didn't want me?), and who is putting the burden for her own recovery from drug abuse onto the head of an innocent, unborn baby.
If you want to hear tenderness for your friend, please ignore me and instead read some of the (more patient) posters above. I myself would reduce the Crazy Factor in my life by staying away from so-called "friends" like this. You cannot save her - you can only choose whether you want to take a front row seat to her madness and cruelty.
"Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver
"Action is the antidote to despair." --Joan Baez
"False hopes bind us to unlivable situations, and blind us to real possibilities." --Derrick Jensen
|11-04-2008, 10:36 AM||#13 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Blog Entries: 7
and I just want to save her.
there is absolutely nothing you can do to "save " her .
If she is an alcoholic, only she can save herself, nothing you say or do will have any effect until SHE wants to change
The victim in all this is the unborn child.
Active alcoholics are very self absorbed and selfish people
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