Wedding + AH = Disaster???

[CBB126]

As some of you may remember, I seperated from my AH of 20 years in August.
I left our marital home, got an apartment. I am so much more at peace much of the time. I am still helping with the mortage in our home, even though finances is tight and I had to get a second job.

My husband wants me to come back to the marital home. We tried
counseling - 1 session. (It was a disatrous session, the counselor asked my husband if he had been drinking). My husband stormed out of the session. I don't want to go back, but I am finding my codependent tendancies rearing up, not being firm in my resolve to let my husband know that I have really no desire to go back to him. He keeps pushing for counseling again, for which I would only use it to have a safe forum to let him know that I don't want the marriage any longer.

I believe that I am handling things in a codie fashion, but need advice on the following. Next Friday my brother is getting married. My husband and brother NEVER got along. My brother tolerated him and his attitude for me. My husband knows that my brother is getting married, but always has some sort of disdain for my brother. He never asked when was the day, how was the wedding plans going - nothing. My husband does not know that the date is this Friday and my first instict is not to tell him. First off in my gut, I want to avoid the conflict associated with telling him. He'll want to come to the wedding, and that would totally ruin it for me. This is my only sibling. I don't want my husband to act folishly, embarrass me or say something or do something that would ruin my brother's day. That would kill me. On the other hand, I feel badly that I am not telling him about it because our children are in the wedding. WTF!!!

In my gut, I don't want him to go. Am I wrong for not telling him?

Thanks.

[bookwyrm]

Who takes their X to a wedding?! IMHO, if your brother had wanted your XAH there, then surely he'd have sent an invite! Its your brother's (and his wife to be's) day - leave it up to them to tell him/send an invite. Go, relax and enjoy YOUR family on such a momentous day!!

[resentful wife]

IMO if your brother didn't send him an invite, you bringing it up to him may imply one. Say nothing and go enjoy YOUR BROTHERS day. He can see the pictures after the fact.
Linda

[nowinsituation]

CBB - No you are not wrong. This is your brother's day, and even he does not want him there. Let the day happen without drama and you and your family can enjoy the day. Shortly after we were separated we had a family graduation that both my AH and I attended. It was horribly awkward for a lot of reasons. Most of the guests did not know we were separated so to every question of "how's (AH) doing?" I smiled and stated that we were separated ... making for some awkward moments! We stayed on opposite sides of the room from each other; but I wound up leaving early as I just couldn't take anymore of it. And it was MY family, it really made me angry!!!

Since your AH doesn't even know about the wedding, and your brother doesn't want him there anyway; I wouldn't feel bad about not telling AH about it. Go and have a good time!

[CBB126]

Thanks to all for your replies. It was my sentiment exactly not to tell him. Darn it being a codie!

[Bernadette]

I agree! Don't even mention it. Go and have a good time like the single woman that you are! If he asks or it comes up in conversation so be it. Just let the chips fall and let it be. He and your bro don't get along so it seems like a win win for everyone that he is out of the invitation picture.

Have a good time and stay strong and true to your needs CBB!!

Peace-
B

[denny57]

Originally Posted by CBB126

On the other hand, I feel badly that I am not telling him about it because our children are in the wedding.

Take pictures. And have a wonderful time.

I would not consider ruining a siblings special day because of my addiction to an addict.

[velma929]

No, you don't have to tell him, and neither do the kids.

Why mention any social engagement to someone who isn't invited? That's unkind.

[Jadmack25]

Totally agree with everyone. As he wasn't invited it seems obvious that he is not wanted there by the bride and groom. It is their big day, let them have a day to remember with joy and happiness. Have a wonderful time with your brother, your new sister-in-law, family and friends and DO NOT feel any guilt or unhappiness because your husband is missing it. It is his past behavior that keeps him from it, and that is his responsibility not yours.
Have a ball and enjoy it all to the max.