Waste products and oscillating mechanisms - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Reddmax · 10-09-2008, 06:44 AM

Well, it finally happened. I hit my limit. Forgive me for being a woozy, but I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night.

My AW crossed a big boundary, and I left. I'll probably need lots of support in dealing with this, as I love the woman dearly. This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

The details are like this. Last night, I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up, and went to the bedroom. Then, the AW comes in, turns on the light and wakes me up. She's very drunk. She doesn't want to sleep, she wants to watch TV. I tell her that I'm sleeping. She leaves. Since I'm awake, I have to go to the bathroom and then I go to the kitchen to get a drink of water. Her office door is closed. I walk in to give her a good night kiss, and she's on the phone with her Ex. I had set a boundary several weeks ago, that if she does it again, I'm done. So, I packed and left. Now we're making arrangements to divorce.

Pray for me.

Redd

Janitw · 10-09-2008, 06:51 AM

I'm so sorry to hear this Redd. It sucks when we have to enforce our boundaries but in the end .....isn't that all we wind up with anyway?? She called her ex because SHE wanted to talk to someone in a drunken state...I wonder how her ex felt. Does he drink also? Just keep reminding yourself this: Nuthin changes if nuthin changes. If you are like me then change doesn't happen easily nor do we embrace it nicely. We actually have a fear somewhat of change. Co-dependents just don't handle change well UNLESS its our idea. Luckily this change is one that you made. I hope that this will be her bottom and she gets some badly needed help. Take care and try to have a good day...she will be contacting you for sure.

Janitw

Silverberry1331 · 10-09-2008, 07:06 AM

((((hugs))))...

I am surrounding you with love and prayers right now. I know that this is difficult. I am happy that you decided to care of Redd first. No advice now...just hugs and support.

Pajarito · 10-09-2008, 07:21 AM

(((Redd))) Be strong. Take care of yourself. I know it's hard, but I have faith you can do it.

veryrestless722 · 10-09-2008, 07:30 AM

***Impurrfect*** · 10-09-2008, 07:37 AM

((((Redd))))

I'm sorry this happened, but very proud of you for sticking to your boundary and getting out.

We're here for you!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

queenteree · 10-09-2008, 07:49 AM

(((Redd))) I know it's going to be hard, but you're strong, and getting stronger every day. You will get thru this. Hugs and prayers to you. We're here anytime you need us.

Reddmax · 10-09-2008, 08:43 AM

Okay ladies and gents,

How do you keep from crying at work?

Also, did anyone try and be a nice person during the divorce? If so, what happened?

I sorta want to know what to expect?

Redd

LaTeeDa · 10-09-2008, 09:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reddmax

Okay ladies and gents,

How do you keep from crying at work?

Also, did anyone try and be a nice person during the divorce? If so, what happened?

I sorta want to know what to expect?

Redd

I didn't keep from crying at work. I went and talked to my boss, told him what was going on in my life (not all the gory details, just the facts), and let him know that I might need to call in sick some days. He understood completely and told me to do whatever I needed to do. I also found myself using the restroom a lot (to cry in private).

I was a very nice person during the divorce.

What should you expect? The unexpected.

L

catlovermi · 10-09-2008, 09:25 AM

Maybe don't think in terms of how not to cry, but rather how to manage your grief. You're gonna have to go THROUGH the grief, so embrace it the best you can, and stumble through. I've snuck off to bathrooms for sobbing breaks and such things - just so it's not in the middle of public. And let people have a clue what's going on with me, why I'm weird. They are surprisingly understanding and accomodating, if they have a general clue why one's game is off.

Sorry it hurts so much, Redd. It just.... does.

TTOSBT · 10-09-2008, 09:56 AM

I am so sorry but I think it is a HUGE accomplishment that you are enforcing the boundary!!!!
This is horrible right now but you will be so much stronger and so much more at peace in the end! Have you thought about a new hobby? Give it some thought. You are going to need something to fill all the time you will have when you are not living in the drama!

Peace

denny57 · 10-09-2008, 09:57 AM

I was a very nice person during my divorce, too. xAH was not. Divorce from an active alcoholic is not to be attempted without tons of support. My suggestion would be to keep it as businesslike as possible. I have no regrets for how I conducted myself, except in the beginning, when I tried to be "fair," which meant giving in to the alcoholic - he never reciprocated, just demanded more; this is where the support of those not close to the situation really helped.

Jazzman · 10-09-2008, 10:30 AM

Sorry to hear about the ex thing, but I suspect it's been going on more than you care to admit here. It's a sign of a very unhealthy person doing very unhealthy things. You don't have to take it anymore Red, time to move on. Give yourself permission to mourn the loss and move on.

I took the high road during my divorce only so I could look at myself in the mirror with a clear conscious that I didn't make it any harder than it needed to be. Business like and professional.

Pajarito · 10-09-2008, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by denny57

I have no regrets for how I conducted myself, except in the beginning, when I tried to be "fair," which meant giving in to the alcoholic - he never reciprocated, just demanded more; this is where the support of those not close to the situation really helped.

Good point Denny- I've been "nice" too, but am finding if I don't get tough about what I want, he will walk all over me- which is why having a good lawyer is huge- at least for me.

Crying? It's been over a year since he left, and today even I feel like crying. I just let myself feel those hard feelings. I take bathroom breaks- 15 minute walks around the building. . . and at night when I can let go I sob like crazy. Journaling also has helped, as well as a good counselor. Hang in there Redd. I've been rooting for you!

***GiveLove*** · 10-09-2008, 10:36 AM

When it comes to crying at work, I'm much more like a guy than like a girl....I just don't like to do it. So I started taking short walks too (serves multiple purposes: get to cry, fresh air/light, exercise, clear head) And on the days when that wasn't enough, I got in my car, drove to a private spot, and screamed. Wiped my eyes and went back to work. Four or five of these mini-breaks a day and I got through the worst of it.

I'm sorry, Red, that she had to do this. That's very disrespectful treatment, and you deserve better.

lovtolaff · 10-09-2008, 10:43 AM

Quote:

This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

So many of us here know EXACTLY what you are saying. Yes it is the hardest thing but it's more than likely the RIGHT thing. You probably know that deep down.

It DOES get better and you will embrace your ability to BREATHE again and to have that nawing in your stomach feeling ease up day by day.

Hang in there and hugs your way.

Rainbowsend · 10-09-2008, 01:33 PM

You can be nice during a divorce but also remember the more money she gets as a settlement the more she'll drink. It might as well be in your pocket as opposed to flushed down the toilet. It's painfull now but in time you'll do just fine.

***cmc*** · 10-09-2008, 02:08 PM

(((Redd)))) I'm sorry you're hurting right now.

endzoner · 10-09-2008, 02:55 PM

Im sorry Redd for all your sadness , Ive been following your posts and wondered where you been for a few days , Today i see why you havnt been here. Tho Ive never experiecnce anything of this sort my heart still bleeds for your pain , Im glad your finally takes the big step, we all know youe hurting right now , But this will lessen in time . All my prayers of strenght and courage for you .. keep shareing hug's Mrs O

AmpHusky · 10-09-2008, 03:07 PM

Sorry Redd, you can cry. I did and I'm a guy. I did it at work too.

Ago · 10-09-2008, 03:27 PM

Hang in there, it gets better, and soon after I broke up, I turned a corner and actually felt relief, then healing began, and it's only been something like 15 days, I did lean HEAVILY on my friends aand the program, went to meetings every night, met with my sponsor twice a week, went out with people after meetings, and studied my brains out here and elsewhere to try and find out "my part" so I don't need to repeat my mistakes. I'm talking 4 to 8 hours a day I was reading, going to meetings etc.

it helped.

a lot.

anyhow

Bernadette · 10-09-2008, 03:59 PM

((((Redd))))

for your strength and some peace of mind tonight.

You've been through so much pain with this woman, I hope the healing begins soon...
Peace,
B.

NeedHelp81 · 10-09-2008, 04:41 PM

You know what Redd? Good job for standing your ground, and from reading your previous posts and following your life - THIS IS GOING TO BE A WONDERFUL THING - IN TIME! I know that it's hard and I know that you love her - but you know? Love isn't always enough - and I think that you just showed yourself how much love you have within for yourself, your life, and your happiness - and possible your sanity

And Good luck to you, Redd.

SlvrMag · 10-09-2008, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by catlovermi

And let people have a clue what's going on with me, why I'm weird. They are surprisingly understanding and accomodating, if they have a general clue why one's game is off.

I agree totally. Sorry you are going through this Redd. We are here for you.

10-09-2008, 06:44 AM	#1 (permalink)
Reddmax Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Great Lake Country Posts: 329	Waste products and oscillating mechanisms Well, it finally happened. I hit my limit. Forgive me for being a woozy, but I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night. My AW crossed a big boundary, and I left. I'll probably need lots of support in dealing with this, as I love the woman dearly. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. The details are like this. Last night, I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up, and went to the bedroom. Then, the AW comes in, turns on the light and wakes me up. She's very drunk. She doesn't want to sleep, she wants to watch TV. I tell her that I'm sleeping. She leaves. Since I'm awake, I have to go to the bathroom and then I go to the kitchen to get a drink of water. Her office door is closed. I walk in to give her a good night kiss, and she's on the phone with her Ex. I had set a boundary several weeks ago, that if she does it again, I'm done. So, I packed and left. Now we're making arrangements to divorce. Pray for me. Redd

10-09-2008, 07:06 AM	#3 (permalink)
Silverberry1331 Looking for the silver lining Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: South Florida Posts: 229	((((hugs))))... I am surrounding you with love and prayers right now. I know that this is difficult. I am happy that you decided to care of Redd first. No advice now...just hugs and support. __________________ De profundis clamo ad te domine

10-09-2008, 07:21 AM	#4 (permalink)
Pajarito Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: looking for the sun in cold MN Posts: 664	(((Redd))) Be strong. Take care of yourself. I know it's hard, but I have faith you can do it. __________________ Un dia a la vez

10-09-2008, 07:30 AM	#5 (permalink)
veryrestless722 Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: florida Posts: 209	__________________ “Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

10-09-2008, 07:37 AM	#6 (permalink)
*Impurrfect* Community Greeter Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Atlanta Posts: 5,803	((((Redd)))) I'm sorry this happened, but very proud of you for sticking to your boundary and getting out. We're here for you! Hugs and prayers! Amy __________________ "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

10-09-2008, 06:51 AM	#2 (permalink)
Janitw Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: OHIO Posts: 837	I'm so sorry to hear this Redd. It sucks when we have to enforce our boundaries but in the end .....isn't that all we wind up with anyway?? She called her ex because SHE wanted to talk to someone in a drunken state...I wonder how her ex felt. Does he drink also? Just keep reminding yourself this: Nuthin changes if nuthin changes. If you are like me then change doesn't happen easily nor do we embrace it nicely. We actually have a fear somewhat of change. Co-dependents just don't handle change well UNLESS its our idea. Luckily this change is one that you made. I hope that this will be her bottom and she gets some badly needed help. Take care and try to have a good day...she will be contacting you for sure. Janitw

10-09-2008, 07:49 AM	#7 (permalink)
queenteree Recovering Nicely Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Long Island Posts: 762	(((Redd))) I know it's going to be hard, but you're strong, and getting stronger every day. You will get thru this. Hugs and prayers to you. We're here anytime you need us. __________________ I say what I want I do what I want I get what I want END OF STORY!

10-09-2008, 08:43 AM	#8 (permalink)
Reddmax Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Great Lake Country Posts: 329	Okay ladies and gents, How do you keep from crying at work? Also, did anyone try and be a nice person during the divorce? If so, what happened? I sorta want to know what to expect? Redd

10-09-2008, 09:25 AM	#10 (permalink)
catlovermi Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 43	Maybe don't think in terms of how not to cry, but rather how to manage your grief. You're gonna have to go THROUGH the grief, so embrace it the best you can, and stumble through. I've snuck off to bathrooms for sobbing breaks and such things - just so it's not in the middle of public. And let people have a clue what's going on with me, why I'm weird. They are surprisingly understanding and accomodating, if they have a general clue why one's game is off. Sorry it hurts so much, Redd. It just.... does.

10-09-2008, 09:56 AM	#11 (permalink)
TTOSBT To Thine Own Self Be True Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: So Cal Posts: 1,083	I am so sorry but I think it is a HUGE accomplishment that you are enforcing the boundary!!!! This is horrible right now but you will be so much stronger and so much more at peace in the end! Have you thought about a new hobby? Give it some thought. You are going to need something to fill all the time you will have when you are not living in the drama! Peace

10-09-2008, 09:57 AM	#12 (permalink)
denny57 Free at last Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,911	I was a very nice person during my divorce, too. xAH was not. Divorce from an active alcoholic is not to be attempted without tons of support. My suggestion would be to keep it as businesslike as possible. I have no regrets for how I conducted myself, except in the beginning, when I tried to be "fair," which meant giving in to the alcoholic - he never reciprocated, just demanded more; this is where the support of those not close to the situation really helped. __________________ We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. Albert Einstein

10-09-2008, 10:30 AM	#13 (permalink)
Jazzman Occasional poor taste poster Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Back of the class, Northern VA Posts: 1,537	Sorry to hear about the ex thing, but I suspect it's been going on more than you care to admit here. It's a sign of a very unhealthy person doing very unhealthy things. You don't have to take it anymore Red, time to move on. Give yourself permission to mourn the loss and move on. I took the high road during my divorce only so I could look at myself in the mirror with a clear conscious that I didn't make it any harder than it needed to be. Business like and professional.

10-09-2008, 10:36 AM	#15 (permalink)
*GiveLove* Recovering 1 step at a time... Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Curled up somewhere with a book Posts: 2,143	When it comes to crying at work, I'm much more like a guy than like a girl....I just don't like to do it. So I started taking short walks too (serves multiple purposes: get to cry, fresh air/light, exercise, clear head) And on the days when that wasn't enough, I got in my car, drove to a private spot, and screamed. Wiped my eyes and went back to work. Four or five of these mini-breaks a day and I got through the worst of it. I'm sorry, Red, that she had to do this. That's very disrespectful treatment, and you deserve better. __________________ "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver "Argue your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours." --Richard Bach

10-09-2008, 01:33 PM	#17 (permalink)
Rainbowsend Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: London Posts: 144	You can be nice during a divorce but also remember the more money she gets as a settlement the more she'll drink. It might as well be in your pocket as opposed to flushed down the toilet. It's painfull now but in time you'll do just fine.

10-09-2008, 02:08 PM	#18 (permalink)
*cmc* Community Greeter Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: a good state of mind Posts: 9,637	(((Redd)))) I'm sorry you're hurting right now. __________________

10-09-2008, 02:55 PM	#19 (permalink)
endzoner Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Wishek, North Dakota Posts: 344 Blog Entries: 11	Im sorry Redd for all your sadness , Ive been following your posts and wondered where you been for a few days , Today i see why you havnt been here. Tho Ive never experiecnce anything of this sort my heart still bleeds for your pain , Im glad your finally takes the big step, we all know youe hurting right now , But this will lessen in time . All my prayers of strenght and courage for you .. keep shareing hug's Mrs O

10-09-2008, 03:07 PM	#20 (permalink)
AmpHusky Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Florence, Kentucky Posts: 116	Sorry Redd, you can cry. I did and I'm a guy. I did it at work too.

10-09-2008, 03:27 PM	#21 (permalink)
Ago Rawr!!!!!! Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Marin County Posts: 476	Hang in there, it gets better, and soon after I broke up, I turned a corner and actually felt relief, then healing began, and it's only been something like 15 days, I did lean HEAVILY on my friends aand the program, went to meetings every night, met with my sponsor twice a week, went out with people after meetings, and studied my brains out here and elsewhere to try and find out "my part" so I don't need to repeat my mistakes. I'm talking 4 to 8 hours a day I was reading, going to meetings etc. it helped. a lot. anyhow __________________ Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here BB 1st edition et al

10-09-2008, 03:59 PM	#22 (permalink)
Bernadette Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Boston Posts: 870	((((Redd)))) for your strength and some peace of mind tonight. You've been through so much pain with this woman, I hope the healing begins soon... Peace, B.

10-09-2008, 04:41 PM	#23 (permalink)
NeedHelp81 Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Bend OR Posts: 196	You know what Redd? Good job for standing your ground, and from reading your previous posts and following your life - THIS IS GOING TO BE A WONDERFUL THING - IN TIME! I know that it's hard and I know that you love her - but you know? Love isn't always enough - and I think that you just showed yourself how much love you have within for yourself, your life, and your happiness - and possible your sanity And Good luck to you, Redd.