My Lovely Wife

[formychildren]

As most everyone might initially feel, I can't believe I'm having to do this. But, I don't know what to do...

I found out about a month and a half ago that my wife is an alcoholic. We have been together for 14 years, and married for over 9. We have two beautiful young children.

After I first learned (after a trip to the hospital), she promised that it had just started and she learned her lesson. That the kids and I were too important to risk. I believed her and cancelled the appointment with the counselor. I thought things were ok. We had always been social drinkers, and I quit drinking all together to show solidarity.

Tonight when I came home from work, I could tell she was very intoxicated. I was floored. She denied it until I finally got it out of her. I did my best to protect the kids from seeing it. Telling them mommy didn't feel well and was going to bed.

During our conversation, she was of course completely irrational and said she wasn't crazy and would not go get help. She kept saying she didn't want to be here any more...I know exactly what she meant. She has never said such a thing. I am terrified for her safety and that of my children. I'm fairly certain she has driven with them while intoxicated.

Her mother was an alcoholic and died from cirrosis (sp?) of the liver several years ago. She too hid it very well from my wife's father. I had hoped that would be enough to keep her from becoming one. When her mother died, it tore her apart. Why can't she see that it will do the same to our children.

She is a stay at home mother, I am a business professional. We are both educated people, and know very well the dangers of alcohol. I always thought alcohol addiction was for the weak. Clearly, it truly is a disease.

I hope when she sobers up tomorrow she will agree to get help. I wrote her a letter explaining my fears and how I would love and support her no matter what. But, I have to protect my children. My job is very demanding and takes a lot of my time and energy. I'm not sure how I can keep and eye on her and pay the bills. Finances have been a huge strain the past couple of years. But, I'm confident we can get out from underneath of them. She says that is her issue that causes her to drink.

I could say a ton more, but I'm tired and have been crying all night.

Any show of support or ideas would be helpful.

Best,

formychildren

[Aquarian]

Hi formychildren,
My heart goes out to you and your family. I understand the pain you feel, even though my situations and details are different.
Please keep writing, people here are wise and helpful.
Peace, hang in there.

[formychildren]

Thank you for the kind words. I am more terrified than I have ever been in my life. I am terrified for my wife, but I am more terrified for my innocent children. They don't understand now, but they soon will if we don't get this resolved.

I gave up religion a long time ago, but I'm thinking of reconsidering and pleading to God for help.

[GiveLove]

You are a good man, and you will find your way through this. There are many resources available to your wife, and many resources open to you as well. You are not alone in this, as strange as it seems to find yourself in this position.

Take a deep breath, fmc. Now take another. Know that you're doing the right thing in protecting your kids from harm. Know that the world will not come crashing down on you if your kids learn "the truth," if you find you need to tell them, in an age-appropriate way, that mommy has a problem but she's getting help. Know that there are lots of ways through financial troubles if you are open to looking at -- and doing -- a few things differently. Know that your tears have a purpose, and that tomorrow the sun will rise just as bright, and you will find your way through this.

It is all new, I know. The pain is pretty darned sharp. I'm sorry you're feeling it at all.

Hang in there, and keep talking to us. Lots of good ideas and support here ---

Take care of yourself
GL

[CatsPajamas]

FMC,

Welcome. You've come to the right place, there are many here who understand what you're going thru.

One of the most important things I share with you is the 3 C's:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it and
You can't cure it.

What you can do is read, read, read and post. You can learn more about the disease of alcoholism. You can learn about setting boundaries and making good choices for yourself and your children.

Although we're primarily here to share our own experience, strength and hope, you might get some pretty strong words of advice. I like to suggest to people that you take what you like and leave the rest. Each of us is at a different place in our struggle with this horrible disease... and it's a disease of relationships.

I'm glad you found us, although I'm sorry for your circumstances.

Hugs
Cats

[ToughChoices]

First of all, welcome to the forum, formychildren.

Take heart, I also came here in tears- broken and exhausted -
But, I'm not crying anymore.

When my husband told me about his alcoholism, I did everything in my power to help him, to make the problem go away. It hurt me so much to see him suffer - to watch him walk down the same destructive path that his father had walked.
Time has shown me that I cannot keep him from his path, but I can choose a happy and healthy path for myself and my child.

Realizing that I could not control my husband's fate was an important step in my recovery from co-dependence. It helped me take control of my own life while allowing my husband the opportunity to take control of his.

Alcoholism is a miserable business, but there is always hope - for the alcoholic and for those who love alcoholics.

Keep posting and take care.
I'm glad that you're here.
-TC

[denny57]

Originally Posted by formychildren

Clearly, it truly is a disease.

Welcome, formychildren, glad you're here!

Education was key to me, along with support. I highly recommend "Under the Influence" and "Beyond the Influence" for understanding the physiological aspects of alcoholism. This was a huge help to me in not wasting precious time trying to convince someone they could "just stop."

If possible, I recommend Al Anon for face to face support.

Keep posting - you are not alone!

[formychildren]

Thank you all.

I think that part of the problem is our decision for my wife to stay home. It is stressful for her, and she is probably craving adult interaction. But, putting our kids in daycare would tear their hearts out. They have only been with mommy.

How do I assure my kids' safety when I'm at work? She has tons of hiding places for the booze...places I'd never think to look. And, I can't monitor every spending habit. I'm also going to have to take the rest of the week off from work to figure this out. How do I tell my boss what is going on? I can't keep lying to them, saying my wife is ill. Luckily, I can be pretty autonomous with my position. But, if my production and revenue falters, I'll be in jeopardy.

I've reached out to her father. I did this with the first incident too. He knows all to well my situation. But, his ended tragically. I don't want the same to happen. I'm so afraid she'll drive with the kids after drinking.

[TTOSBT]

formykids,
First, I would like to say welcome to SR! You have taken a great step by finding this forum. You will receive a lot of support and advice here.

Second, I am an alcoholic wife and mother of two children. My husband and I have been together 11 years and married for 9. I have been an alcoholic since we got together and my husband did not know or chose to minimize it until the day I crashed my car, while intoxicated with our 8 year old daughter in the car. I am crying as I type because the pain and guilt from that day are still very real. But, the good news is that neither my daughter nor I were hurt (though the car was totaled). The other good news is that I have not had a drink since that life changing day five months ago.

I love my husband and my children more than anything in this world but they could not get or keep me sober. I had to make that choice and I have to do the work. I work on my recovery every single day. I see a therapist 2-3 times a month and I attend AA meetings 3-4 times per week. I have a sponsor and I am working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have more peace today than I have had in a decade. And my husband and I are happier than we have been in a decade.

The shame and guilt of being a closet drinker was almost more than I could bare and I could not share it with my husband. My husband is not an alcoholic, in fact he rarely drinks. There is no way that he can understand my disease and that is why I need the support I get from this forum and my fellow alcoholics in AA.

I am telling you this because I want you to know that this is not your fault, nor can you "fix" this. I know how hard that was for my husband to accept and understand. All you can do is to offer your support and suggest recovery options. Then she has to decide if she is tired of living this way.

Please feel free to PM me if there is anything I can do for either one of you. One more thing, if she chooses a life of recovery, she never has to face this alone again. My most heartfelt prayers are with you and your family.

[Latte]

Welcome to SR.

This is a wonderful place. Post whenever you need to. I am amazed every day at the support I have received here.

[formychildren]

TTOSBT,

Thank you. I have tears in my eyes reading your post. I am so afraid of what harm she may bring to our children while intoxicated. From driving the car, to cooking, whatever.

I know she doesn't want to be this way. We have always been a socially active couple in our neighborhood. Meaning, we would have drinks on the weekend evenings when the kids were asleep and we were just outside on the deck or the front yard. I always took great pride in our not drinking in front of the children. I thought it was a bad example, even casually. I have never had a problem with addiction. With the exception of my wife (and her deceased mother), I was never exposed to it's terrible grasp.

I completely stopped drinking after the first incident to show solidarity with her. I told her that if she ever had the urge to drink, to please tell me. I think I was just too naive to it's power over her. Honestly, I don't know when she started drinking again. I had my suspicions, but I felt I had to trust her. I didn't want to be the jerk husband accusing her if she wasn't. Tonight was just way too obvious. I'm just glad I was able to get her to bed, although it took some persuasion. I had to shield the kids from it.

I am so happy I found this site. But, the pain does not ease. And the sheer terror of what might happen to my children scares me to death.

[Ago]

Welcome to SR

My experience doesn't "match" yours, SO i can't say anything specific to help you other then welcome you, give you a manly man hug, and suggest maybe going to some "real live" Alanon meetings. The support you can get from these forums and meetings can make the difference. It did for me.

My heart goes out to you.

[formychildren]

I'm trying to figure out my options. So everyone's help is certainly appreciated. I will be having a conversation with my wife tomorrow. I hope it goes well. Then, I will be scheduling a meeting with a counselor.

I took the Alanon 20 question quiz. The results were less than desirable. I guess this is just the beginning.

I will be certain to keep up with the forum. Besides my father-in-law, I have nobody else I'm comfortable confiding in. How do I tell my parents?! They adore my wife and think she is a shining star. Should I tell them? Should I keep it a secret from everybody? I'm a very private person. People/neighbors will (and already have) noticed our changes in social behavior. Alcohol is almost always present in our quiet little suburban cul-de-sac. How do we explain to them without a stigma adding to the already heavy burden?

Sorry for so many questions. Just trying to figure out what will happen.

[ladybirdflys]

Hi formychildren,

I am new the the forum as well but I wanted to offer my support and understanding! I completely empathize with the pain and disillusionment you are experiencing.

While you are caring for your wife's needs, take time for yourself as well. The questions you have are very valid and should be dealt with. You do not have to suffer alone!

I have found so much love, understanding and support from other people in my 12-step group who have walked down the road of addiction and have experience in recovery. I have found such openness in others from sharing my own story.

I am so glad you are reaching out for help! I am praying for you and your family...

[Latte]

One thing at a time. You were discussing your lifestyle and concerns about what to tell people but those are not really an issue until both you and your wife get help. It is imperitive that your wife gets help as soon as possible, especially if she is the primary care provider for your children.

We called in reinforcements. My nieghbor watched my children while I attended rehab. Yes, it was expensive but it has paid off in a big way. I went to an outpatient program but it was recomended by the program that was working with me. Our other options were to have family come up (we live in Alaska, they live in CA, AZ, Utah and Mexico) and we would have used them if it would have been necessary. My life depended on it.

It also taught us to ask for help when we needed it. We are all closer than ever. I got to see my Grandmother before she passed and even she had been told. She was so proud and I was in awe of her support. When people really love you, they just want to help and when you ask the right way and for the right things, you would be amazed. My father paid for a weeks worth of rehab that we thought our insurance wouldn't pay for (they ended up refunding us because I sucessfully completed their program). My Grandmother forgave a small loan I had taken out to pay for my car.

I am so proud to be sober today and when I ask for help people come running because they know I will only ask when I really need it and I will repay when they need me. I have developed some awesome relationships because people know my weaknesses and still love me.

People will come out of the woodwork to help, you will be amazed at the support your receive. My husbands command (military) let him change his hours for about year so that I could get into recovery and have a good foundation. This is a big deal as he is in a very small unit.

Okay, I'm going to cry...but help is there and you will be amazed.

[Thanks2HP]

I'm glad you found this site. I can't think of anything to day that hasn't already been said by ToughChoices, CatsPajamas, TTOSBT and others but I wanted to offer you encouragement. IMHO, you are powerless over your wife's alcoholism. She must decided she wants help. As to: "I gave up religion a long time ago, but I'm thinking of reconsidering and pleading to God for help", I would definitely reach out to God. God has taken care of me through times I didn't even know he was there.

I hope the support, prayers and well wishes you've received here have given you some relief from your pain and frustration.

Hang in there!

[Techie1701]

Formychildren, I cannot relate exactly to you, but I have young children and I am a working spouse with a stay-at-home-spouse. What ages are your children? Mine are between 4 and a few months, but what I have noticed is that from 1 year or 18 months the children seem to enjoy interacting with other kids for at least part of the day. If your wife isn't safe to look after the children right now, then a good daycare is the way to go (or if you can, call in friends and family). HAving your children looked after safely is more important than covering up for your wife, or saving money on childcare.

[Techie1701]

I'm posting again to add, the reason I posted about childcare is that I find and found myself getting caught up in things that really didn't matter, and making excuses that when I step back and think about them don't make sense. This may not apply to you, but I was replying to the part of your post where you said:

I think that part of the problem is our decision for my wife to stay home. It is stressful for her, and she is probably craving adult interaction. But, putting our kids in daycare would tear their hearts out. They have only been with mommy.

My children have never been in daycare either, but I'm pretty sure they would manage it just fine. What is the most important thing for your children right now? I can give you my list, please feel free to ignore it if it doesn't suit you:
1. Physical safety.
2. Physical needs, food, shelter, clothes.
3. Emotional safety.
4. Fulfilment (enjoyable activities, education, playdates)

Do you think they are safe with your wife? (I do not know, and you don't have to answer me) if they are safe, fine, if they aren't safe, then a safe environment is more important to me that the childrens happiness.


On the subject of excuses, DH has said he didn't think going for treatment was a good idea, because you have to declare it on applications for life insurance, and it means your premiums are higher.

He refused to stop drinking because he said that if he didn't drink regularly then he would end up binging, which would be worse.

These were not said at the same time or anything, and if you read around here you will find many more examples of similar excuses. I guess I'm just saying beware of 'excuses', you may need to stop and think about any major decision that you need to make (such as who will take care of the children).

[coyote21]

Originally Posted by Latte

People will come out of the woodwork to help, you will be amazed at the support your receive. My husbands command (military) let him change his hours for about year so that I could get into recovery and have a good foundation. This is a big deal as he is in a very small unit.

Hi FMC

I was exactly where you are 3 years ago. My wife picked up our 4yo daughter from daycare drunk. They were obligated by law to report her to CPS.

Long story short, we were involved in the system for a year, I got sober, mom couldn't, and I wound up with sole custody of our now 7yo DD.

Once "the secret" is out the support does indeed come out of the woodwork. Alanon, the school system and just friends have been unbelievable.

By the way, this ordeal got me believing in a Higher power, I didn't believe before, but that's been my greatest gift.

Keep posting and get to Alanon, (I was court ordered to go) I got immediate relief from a room full of strangers who knew exactly how I felt.

Good luck, it WILL get better. Oddly enough a common thread here and in Alanon is that I'm better off now than before this awful disease came along.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

[coyote21]

Originally Posted by Techie1701

My children have never been in daycare either, but I'm pretty sure they would manage it just fine. What is the most important thing for your children right now? I can give you my list, please feel free to ignore it if it doesn't suit you:
1. Physical safety.
2. Physical needs, food, shelter, clothes.
3. Emotional safety.
4. Fulfilment (enjoyable activities, education, playdates)

Do you think they are safe with your wife? (I do not know, and you don't have to answer me) if they are safe, fine, if they aren't safe, then a safe environment is more important to me that the childrens happiness.

Yes. Well said.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

[FormerDoormat]

As my boyfriend's alcoholism progressed, I was terrified to leave him alone in my house. I worried about him letting my beloved dogs loose, burning down the house with his cigarettes, leaving the stove/oven on, shoving his hand down the garbage disposal while it was still running, taking too much insulin--the list was unending. And all of these were REAL fears based on incidents that happened or nearly happened when he was intoxicated.

As I learned more about alcoholism, I realized that, like most alcoholics, my boyfriend was under the influence of alcohol at ALL times. There was never a time where he wasn't drunk; there was never a time where his thinking and judgment weren't impaired.

I was so frightened to leave him alone in my house, that when he feined illness and attempted to call in sick from work, I insisted that I didn't care where he spent the day as long as it WASN'T in my house.

Now imagine if he were responsible for caring for small children who believe that they're safe in his care and his judgment was not to be questioned. Imagine if my boyfriend, a person who's thinking was impaired 24/7, were driving small children around town. Imagine if he lit up his next cigarette, missed the ash tray and it fell on the carpet, and then fell into a drunken stupor as his cigarette lay on the floor smouldering.

This was my life until I realized that I had allowed it to spiral out of control because I "trusted him," because "I was afraid," because "I was certain I could talk some sense into him," because I believed I had the power to convince him to change.

My torment is over. I took control of my life. I made better choices for myself and my child. I ended my relationship with my alcoholic partner. The constant fear for my welfare, my child's welfare, and my partner's welfare has subsided.

Today, I live a happy, peaceful, quiet, and predictable life. I no longer let another person's drinking affect the quality of my life and my child's life. I no longer live in fear of what I'll find when I walk through my door. All is safe and right with my world because I've chosen this life for me.

My former boyfriend didn't make new choices. He refused to see the light. He refused to change. His life spiraled out of control. Alcohol became his whole world. He consumed it and it consumed him. He drank himself to death a little over a year ago. Imagine if my daughter had found his body.

Now imagine if my daughter were yours.

Alcoholism is a chronic disease. Left unchecked, it's fatal. Today, I would never choose alcoholism over the safety of my daughter, my health, my happiness, the security of my home, or my piece of mind.

Dealing with someone else's drinking is serious business. Anyone trying to coexist with an active alcoholic has some serious choices to make. This is where Alanon, SR, and individual counseling come into play. Together, they will help you make some of the toughest choices you've ever had to make.

Best of luck to you on your journey.

[TTOSBT]

Originally Posted by formychildren

TTOSBT,

Thank you. I have tears in my eyes reading your post. I am so afraid of what harm she may bring to our children while intoxicated. From driving the car, to cooking, whatever.

You have very good reason to be afraid. She would never intentionally hurt your children but when we are under the influence we do not make good choices or know when we are drunk. I was sure that I was not drunk. In fact, I ASKED to take a breathalizer (sp?). Oy vey.

I know she doesn't want to be this way. We have always been a socially active couple in our neighborhood. Meaning, we would have drinks on the weekend evenings when the kids were asleep and we were just outside on the deck or the front yard. I always took great pride in our not drinking in front of the children. I thought it was a bad example, even casually. I have never had a problem with addiction. With the exception of my wife (and her deceased mother), I was never exposed to it's terrible grasp.

You are so right, she does NOT want to be this way. She is ashamed, embarrassed and out of control. I can only speak for myself but I could not get completely honest with my husband. I was sure he would not love me if you knew the truth. So, please know that she needs outside help! Again I can only speak for myself but the couple of times my husband did confront me because it was too obvious to ignore, I either promised him whatever he wanted