I'm new...please help. I pushed him too hard - Page 2 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

denny57 · 10-03-2008, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kimmieh

I am sorry, but I don't think it's ok to hang up, say one needs space and then leave the other hanging for a week. It doesn't matter if he is in recovery, an alcoholic or has never touched a drop, it just is not ok and to take issue with that does not mean someone does not respect another person's space. The least he can do is explain his situation and ask her for patience.

I agree, it's not ok.

It's not my place to say what the least is HE can do. I know what I can do and today I do it.

Kitkatt · 10-03-2008, 12:39 PM

He needs an excuse to get drunk and you are it for today...he is in denial that it is his choice. Don't be responsible for his choices..only yours. We are the choices we make.
Hang in there and God bless!
Hugs,
Kitkatt

susanfsu1 · 10-03-2008, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kimmieh

I am sorry, but I don't think it's ok to hang up, say one needs space and then leave the other hanging for a week. It doesn't matter if he is in recovery, an alcoholic or has never touched a drop, it just is not ok and to take issue with that does not mean someone does not respect another person's space. The least he can do is explain his situation and ask her for patience.

This is the biggest part of my problem...he said very little. He said he didn't know what to say and needed time to think. All this because I was a little sarcastic because we didn't get to see each other for the 2nd weekend in a row. He said he wasn't going to get drunk over me.

What is he thinking? Do I still even have a boyfriend...this isn't the man that I know and love. He is about rigorous honesty and openess and communication. Why am I left out here dangling?

Love and Peace.

susanfsu1 · 10-09-2008, 07:34 AM

Well according to myspace. My boyfriend is now single. I am the last person on his Friends list. What a way to find out how some one feels about you. From the most important person in his life to last in the blink of an eye.

WOW isn't life grand!

TTOSBT · 10-09-2008, 09:26 AM

Susan,

You know how I feel but seriously I am blown away by this. I can not believe that somebody who is all about recovery would behave this way. My 17 year old son would not do this to one of his girlfriends!

Truly, I do not know what is going on with him, but this is NOT about you. He has either relapsed or is in that mode. I wish him well but do NOT take thios on yourself. Emotionally sober people do NOT behave that way.

denny57 · 10-09-2008, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susanfsu1

WOW isn't life grand!

You may look back on this one day and think, yes, it is - I wasn't able to say that again for 15 years. My choice.

Now, what do you choose to do for you today?

TTOSBT · 10-09-2008, 10:04 AM

I vote for a spa visit!

susanfsu1 · 10-09-2008, 10:27 AM

I choose to take it minute by minute. Cry if I need to. Thats all I can do. I am lost once again.

***GiveLove*** · 10-09-2008, 10:40 AM

You are not lost, Susan, you are right here with us.

Cry all you want; those tears will wash you clean. His stinky choices and weird priorities and lack of common decency are sad, but you will survive this to look back in a few months or weeks (or even days) and say, "That hurt, but I'm so glad I dodged that bullet. I could've been stuck with someone that dysfunctional for life!"

You will be happy again. Just do what you need to do to get through these next few days with your head high. You deserve better than this, and you will find it.

susanfsu1 · 10-09-2008, 10:51 AM

Thank you so much. I don't know what else to say. I am too overcome with emotion. Could you all just come curl up with me somewhere?

Peace and Love.

Susan

denny57 · 10-09-2008, 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susanfsu1

I choose to take it minute by minute. Cry if I need to. Thats all I can do. I am lost once again.

Have you tried another meeting?

Crying is good for the soul - I did plenty of it. But it's not all I can do; and it's not all I did. Can you call a friend? Try not to isolate.

When you say "I am lost once again," what do you mean?

((( )))

***miss communicat*** · 10-09-2008, 10:58 AM

I am so sorry for your hurt Susan

but

at least you know after 5 months how unready for being the one you are looking for he really is.

He is doing the best he can. It is very unnacceptable and frankly, really poor level behaviour. Looked at from here, it shows how much recovery he does NOT have.

As a recovering A myself, I assure you, his hurtful unsober ways will only get worse, if this relationship were to continue. You would be drained. and i mean, DRAINED totally.

I support you through this recovery of self period that you are facing, but please, consider the ending Gods way of doing for you what you could not do for youself. In other words: a blessing

susanfsu1 · 10-09-2008, 11:01 AM

I'm just lost in the hurt and rejection again. I trusted him more than anyone I have ever trusted in my life. He was so real.

My heart hurts so bad.

***miss communicat*** · 10-09-2008, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susanfsu1

I'm just lost in the hurt and rejection again. I trusted him more than anyone I have ever trusted in my life. He was so real.

My heart hurts so bad.

I do understand...

denny57 · 10-09-2008, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susanfsu1

I'm just lost in the hurt and rejection again. I trusted him more than anyone I have ever trusted in my life. He was so real.

My heart hurts so bad.

I know how much rejection hurts.

Have you considered individual therapy? Maybe to be in so much pain about a 5-month relationship points to a very long history of being hurt by rejection.

This was the case for me (and I was with xAH for nearly 20 years). The pain of rejection goes way, way back.

Much love to you.

SereneRose · 10-09-2008, 02:11 PM

Well the worst part is over; the waiting and then the let down/rejection. Now you can bathe in the fact that "Whew" that was a close one. Hope you learned a little from him and now you can truly find that emotionally available person.

Hope and serenity headed your way!

Kimmieh · 10-09-2008, 04:35 PM

I am sorry, Susan! Remember that now is the time it hurts the most, so it can only get better (and it will!).

Quote:

Originally Posted by susanfsu1

Well according to myspace. My boyfriend is now single. I am the last person on his Friends list. What a way to find out how some one feels about you. From the most important person in his life to last in the blink of an eye.

This is unbelievable. It looks like besides recovering, someone has a bit of growing up to do...

Ago · 10-09-2008, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Well according to myspace. My boyfriend is now single. I am the last person on his Friends list. What a way to find out how some one feels about you. From the most important person in his life to last in the blink of an eye.

well, if you are REALLY mad at him, I mean REALLY wanna wreck his lil red wagon, we could introduce him to my ex!!!! She's an expert at "disappearing" and manipulating with all that online shyte. She'd make him never EVER want to date again!!!! His punishment would be Biblical in scope and nature. He'd crawl under a rock and NEVER come out again....bastid!!!

hahahahahah

hohohohohohoho

lololololololol

/wipes tear

ooooh....

ummmm...sorry...yeah I wouldn't wish that on anyone....

/looks around to see if anyone saw that....

/runs away

bookwyrm · 10-10-2008, 01:42 AM

Ago, thanks for the laugh on a wet n windy Friday morning!

venusinlibra · 10-10-2008, 10:53 PM

Call me crazy, but if you haven't seen someone in two weeks, I think it's perfectly normal to be disappointed if you don't. I understand people need space...if so stay single. Being in relationship is a give and take. Sometimes I think AA'ers use the "space issue" as an excuse and to avoid any type of responsibility. If someone wants to be with you, they will be, and they will make time.

venusinlibra · 10-10-2008, 10:54 PM

Let me add, your ex boyfriend is incredibly immature. He lets you know he's single via MySpace!!! He needs to grow up. Life is too precious and you're too wonderful of a woman to put up with those mind games.

susanfsu1 · 10-11-2008, 03:54 PM

I went to see my counselor for the first time in several months. I'm not really sure if she does me any good or not. I wish she would give me assignments and things to work on...she just kind of goes along with what I am saying...anyway.

I am not sure what point I reached last night. But I do know that a lot of this was my fault. These are the demons I face in life and I have definitely been having one of my meltdowns. I thought the world was collapsing around me. I'm broke, my ex hubby wants custody of my son just out of spite and to control me, I hate my job and am kind of stuck in it, and I am in love with a man that has completely turned his life around for the better but has little time for me because he is so busy being responsible.

I got clingy and started feeling desperate. And as much as he was doing every thing in his power to show me he loved me, (the phone calls, the beautiful things he told me everyday and the incredibly special feeling he gave me) I wanted more. I copped an attitude and he snapped. Now I am left with the fact that my selfish and weak meltdown may have cost me the most important man in my life.

I have cried and cried and haven't been able to get my mind off of him. I realized last night that I have acted ridiculously and pathetically. No wonder he wanted some space. I wouldn't want to be around that crap either especially if I was so close to a brand new start for myself as he is with his nursing degree.

I never want to act that way again. I never want to be seen as needy or desperate again. I am so much stronger than the way I have allowed myself to act in the last few weeks.

I have spoken with him a few times and things went ok. We have been able to talk and communicate fairly well. He accepted my apology and because he is an RA knows that everyone has their ups and downs. He also told me that he is getting close to his sober anniversary and he starts feeling weird this time of year. He is an amazing person who has shown me how a 12 step program can change your life and for that I will be forever greatful.

Thank you for letting me share.

Love and Peace.

venusinlibra · 10-11-2008, 07:36 PM

I hope you're able to attend Alanon meetings. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and in relationships we get cranky. If you haven't seen your man in two weeks, it's ok to be bummed out. If he is that responsible, that together, he should be able to talk with you as an adult about the relationship.

Announcing your relationship is over via MySpace is very high school, very immature, and not very compassionate. It's not your fault, he just wasn't ready to deal with a normal relationship.

In my opinion, if addicts expect us and everyone else to forgive them for their "past" they need to step up to the plate and do the same.

My guy has been sober 2 years but still is VERY intolerate of others shortcomings. It's still all about him, his recovery, etc. etc.

I wish you only the best, do something nice for yourself, and focus on what you want for your future. It will work out.

10-09-2008, 10:40 AM	#34 (permalink)
*GiveLove* Recovering 1 step at a time... Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Curled up somewhere with a book Posts: 2,152	You are not lost, Susan, you are right here with us. Cry all you want; those tears will wash you clean. His stinky choices and weird priorities and lack of common decency are sad, but you will survive this to look back in a few months or weeks (or even days) and say, "That hurt, but I'm so glad I dodged that bullet. I could've been stuck with someone that dysfunctional for life!" You will be happy again. Just do what you need to do to get through these next few days with your head high. You deserve better than this, and you will find it. __________________ "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver "Argue your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours." --Richard Bach

10-09-2008, 10:58 AM	#37 (permalink)
*miss communicat* sobriety is my yoga Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: in the present moment Posts: 1,863	I am so sorry for your hurt Susan but at least you know after 5 months how unready for being the one you are looking for he really is. He is doing the best he can. It is very unnacceptable and frankly, really poor level behaviour. Looked at from here, it shows how much recovery he does NOT have. As a recovering A myself, I assure you, his hurtful unsober ways will only get worse, if this relationship were to continue. You would be drained. and i mean, DRAINED totally. I support you through this recovery of self period that you are facing, but please, consider the ending Gods way of doing for you what you could not do for youself. In other words: a blessing __________________ i close my eyes and see clearly i stop trying to listen and hear truth i am silent and my heart sings i seek no contact and find union i am still and move forward i am gentle and need no strength i am humble and remain whole (ancient taoist meditation)

10-03-2008, 12:39 PM	#27 (permalink)
Kitkatt Kitkatt Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: California Posts: 20	He needs an excuse to get drunk and you are it for today...he is in denial that it is his choice. Don't be responsible for his choices..only yours. We are the choices we make. Hang in there and God bless! Hugs, Kitkatt

10-09-2008, 07:34 AM	#29 (permalink)
susanfsu1 Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Crawfordville, FL Posts: 33	Well according to myspace. My boyfriend is now single. I am the last person on his Friends list. What a way to find out how some one feels about you. From the most important person in his life to last in the blink of an eye. WOW isn't life grand!

10-09-2008, 09:26 AM	#30 (permalink)
TTOSBT To Thine Own Self Be True Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: So Cal Posts: 1,100	Susan, You know how I feel but seriously I am blown away by this. I can not believe that somebody who is all about recovery would behave this way. My 17 year old son would not do this to one of his girlfriends! Truly, I do not know what is going on with him, but this is NOT about you. He has either relapsed or is in that mode. I wish him well but do NOT take thios on yourself. Emotionally sober people do NOT behave that way.

10-09-2008, 10:04 AM	#32 (permalink)
TTOSBT To Thine Own Self Be True Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: So Cal Posts: 1,100	I vote for a spa visit!

10-09-2008, 10:27 AM	#33 (permalink)
susanfsu1 Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Crawfordville, FL Posts: 33	I choose to take it minute by minute. Cry if I need to. Thats all I can do. I am lost once again.

10-09-2008, 10:51 AM	#35 (permalink)
susanfsu1 Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Crawfordville, FL Posts: 33	Thank you so much. I don't know what else to say. I am too overcome with emotion. Could you all just come curl up with me somewhere? Peace and Love. Susan

10-09-2008, 11:01 AM	#38 (permalink)
susanfsu1 Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Crawfordville, FL Posts: 33	I'm just lost in the hurt and rejection again. I trusted him more than anyone I have ever trusted in my life. He was so real. My heart hurts so bad.

10-09-2008, 02:11 PM	#41 (permalink)
SereneRose Seeking Peace and Serenity Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Colorado Springs Posts: 19	Well the worst part is over; the waiting and then the let down/rejection. Now you can bathe in the fact that "Whew" that was a close one. Hope you learned a little from him and now you can truly find that emotionally available person. Hope and serenity headed your way!

10-10-2008, 01:42 AM	#44 (permalink)
bookwyrm Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: UK Posts: 241	Ago, thanks for the laugh on a wet n windy Friday morning!

10-10-2008, 10:53 PM	#45 (permalink)
venusinlibra Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Seattle, WA Posts: 153	Call me crazy, but if you haven't seen someone in two weeks, I think it's perfectly normal to be disappointed if you don't. I understand people need space...if so stay single. Being in relationship is a give and take. Sometimes I think AA'ers use the "space issue" as an excuse and to avoid any type of responsibility. If someone wants to be with you, they will be, and they will make time.

10-10-2008, 10:54 PM	#46 (permalink)
venusinlibra Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Seattle, WA Posts: 153	Let me add, your ex boyfriend is incredibly immature. He lets you know he's single via MySpace!!! He needs to grow up. Life is too precious and you're too wonderful of a woman to put up with those mind games.

10-11-2008, 03:54 PM	#47 (permalink)
susanfsu1 Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Crawfordville, FL Posts: 33	I went to see my counselor for the first time in several months. I'm not really sure if she does me any good or not. I wish she would give me assignments and things to work on...she just kind of goes along with what I am saying...anyway. I am not sure what point I reached last night. But I do know that a lot of this was my fault. These are the demons I face in life and I have definitely been having one of my meltdowns. I thought the world was collapsing around me. I'm broke, my ex hubby wants custody of my son just out of spite and to control me, I hate my job and am kind of stuck in it, and I am in love with a man that has completely turned his life around for the better but has little time for me because he is so busy being responsible. I got clingy and started feeling desperate. And as much as he was doing every thing in his power to show me he loved me, (the phone calls, the beautiful things he told me everyday and the incredibly special feeling he gave me) I wanted more. I copped an attitude and he snapped. Now I am left with the fact that my selfish and weak meltdown may have cost me the most important man in my life. I have cried and cried and haven't been able to get my mind off of him. I realized last night that I have acted ridiculously and pathetically. No wonder he wanted some space. I wouldn't want to be around that crap either especially if I was so close to a brand new start for myself as he is with his nursing degree. I never want to act that way again. I never want to be seen as needy or desperate again. I am so much stronger than the way I have allowed myself to act in the last few weeks. I have spoken with him a few times and things went ok. We have been able to talk and communicate fairly well. He accepted my apology and because he is an RA knows that everyone has their ups and downs. He also told me that he is getting close to his sober anniversary and he starts feeling weird this time of year. He is an amazing person who has shown me how a 12 step program can change your life and for that I will be forever greatful. Thank you for letting me share. Love and Peace.

10-11-2008, 07:36 PM	#48 (permalink)
venusinlibra Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Seattle, WA Posts: 153	I hope you're able to attend Alanon meetings. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and in relationships we get cranky. If you haven't seen your man in two weeks, it's ok to be bummed out. If he is that responsible, that together, he should be able to talk with you as an adult about the relationship. Announcing your relationship is over via MySpace is very high school, very immature, and not very compassionate. It's not your fault, he just wasn't ready to deal with a normal relationship. In my opinion, if addicts expect us and everyone else to forgive them for their "past" they need to step up to the plate and do the same. My guy has been sober 2 years but still is VERY intolerate of others shortcomings. It's still all about him, his recovery, etc. etc. I wish you only the best, do something nice for yourself, and focus on what you want for your future. It will work out.