Opinions please

[neecey1224]

My AH continues to call and ask when are we going to fix this (him living in the homeless shelter). I asked why does he keep asking me the same question? He replied, "Because I keep waiting for the answer." I tell him, my answer is not going to change. I don't want drugs, alcohol, or violence in my life anymore, and there's nothing I can do to change that. Only he can change it. He responded with a little chuckle.

The message I am getting from him is that he is unwilling to change anything on his part at this time, and he is just waiting for me to change my mind. Almost like he thinks I am punishing him and he's just waiting for his punishment to end. Would you agree?

He doesn't seem to grasp that his habitual behavior of drugging/drinking/violence has led him to where he's at, and that I will not compromise on my boundaries of acceptable behavior.

Is there something different I should be saying? Should I be saying less? More? Or just keep repeating my boundaries?

No drama ever escalates from these conversations, so that is nice.
I am not at a crisis point - physically or emotionally. I am just wondering if I should be doing anything different.

Your input is appreciated.

[AmpHusky]

The advice I keep get on this board, and from friends at work, is quit answering the phone. He is a big boy, don't even take him his meds. I hate to say it, but he can take care of himself. He just won't do it.

[justaboutus]

He's just checking your boundaries. Keep strong.

[sunflowerintx]

Awww...he thinks you've just put him in time out!

I think you're doing great. Just keep repeating the same answer and stick to your boundaries. Eventually, he'll realize you're serious and that you're not just playing games.

Much love,
Sunny

[queenteree]

When I put my AH out at the end of June, if he called I would not pick up the phone. I deleted his voicemails before even listening to them (why bother, right?), If I happened to pick up the phone, he'd cry in the phone asking if he could please come home (he was sleeping in his truck). I'd simply reply "call me when you're ready to get help" and hang up the phone. No discussion, no reiterating what "I" would like him to do, what "he should do", no nothing. Just "call me when you're ready to get help". If he called back, I didn't pick up the phone. In the beginning of July, he called and said he felt like he was dying, wanted help and would I see him. I agreed, only if I could take him to the hospital. He agreed, I did, he actually was on the verge of death, was in the hospital almost 2 weeks, from there went to rehab and is working on his recovery. But thru even all of that, even rehab, I did not go visit him or be there for him. He needs to do it on his own and for him.
To me, trying to engage in a meaningful conversation with an active A is fruitless. IMO, say what you mean, mean what you say and then end the conversation. Take what you like and leave the rest.

[AmpHusky]

It's like dealing with a child. They want to see how far they can push you. Then they try misdirection by saying it's you, not me. Like, I didn't drink that much, sush and such had more than me. As people here say it is just quacking.

[grateful2b]

Neecey, I had to doublecheck that this was your husband you were talking about and not your son!!
you are so right in how you perceive this..
Hold, hold, hold your boundaries.. Grateful

[neecey1224]

Originally Posted by AmpHusky

The advice I keep get on this board, and from friends at work, is quit answering the phone. He is a big boy, don't even take him his meds. I hate to say it, but he can take care of himself. He just won't do it.

I got two phone calls from him this morning asking when I was going to take him off my insurance. He was trying to get medical services - get his meds for free, etc. - but since we are married and he is on my insurance, he doesn't qualify for the assistance. And, of course, state law forbids me to remove him from my insurance until we are divorced. So it appears he is trying to line up his needs, he just doesn't qualify because we are married. Therefore, I will continue to bring him his meds, as there is no hope for anything without his meds.

I would quit answering the phone if chaos and insanity occurred in the phone calls, but so far it is not, and so I will keep the communication open at this time.

[neecey1224]

Originally Posted by sunflowerintx

Awww...he thinks you've just put him in time out!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I needed that today

[neecey1224]

Originally Posted by queenteree

To me, trying to engage in a meaningful conversation with an active A is fruitless. IMO, say what you mean, mean what you say and then end the conversation.

IMO, I do not try to engage in meaningful conversation. He asks a question, I answer it. He doesn't like my answer, but he doesn't try to engage further either, and neither do I, so the conversation ends. My replies could be shorter, like "You know my position." I guess I can work on that, whittling down the 2 minutes of conversation a day to maybe 1 minute instead.

[denny57]

During the 3 years I waited for my divorce to be final, I was covered under a joint insurance policy where xAH was the primary covered person. Not once in those 3 years did he have to "bring me" any of my prescriptions. Can your husband get them himself? If not, why not?

[neecey1224]

Originally Posted by denny57

During the 3 years I waited for my divorce to be final, I was covered under a joint insurance policy where xAH was the primary covered person. Not once in those 3 years did he have to "bring me" any of my prescriptions. Can your husband get them himself? If not, why not?

#1 - no transportation
#2 - no money (ssi/disability application due to to severe mental illness currently pending)

[Stubborn1]

I have to agree he believes he's in time out and waiting for YOU to change your mind. Once you quit answering the phone he might realize you are serious. As long as you leave an open door he believes there is still hope. As for his meds.......IF you bring them it should be a drop off and a walk away and no conversation. He needs to know you do not have any room in your life to teter with him as long as he continues this unhealthy behavior.
How long do you plan to wait it out?

[neecey1224]

Originally Posted by Stubborn1

As long as you leave an open door he believes there is still hope.

Re meds, should be a drop off and a walk away and no conversation.

How long do you plan to wait it out?

Requesting clarification re: part one - hope I will change my mind? Or hope for the marriage?

Re: part two - I will do that.

Re: part three - I was thinking a year before I file for divorce. I do pray he will somehow see the light and we can put our marriage back together. He, of course, is always free to go down and file for divorce himself. He would certainly qualify for the pauper's affidavit in his current situation. But, as for me doing the filing for divorce, I am not ready to do that yet.

[queenteree]

Originally Posted by neecey1224

#1 - no transportation
#2 - no money (ssi/disability application due to to severe mental illness currently pending)

To that I would say "not my problem". No offense, and please don't take this the wrong way, cause I myself have been there, done that, but he's made his decision, now he must deal with the consequences of it.

[Stubborn1]

Originally Posted by neecey1224

Requesting clarification re: part one - hope I will change my mind? Or hope for the marriage?

Re: part two - I will do that.

Re: part three - I was thinking a year before I file for divorce. I do pray he will somehow see the light and we can put our marriage back together. He, of course, is always free to go down and file for divorce himself. He would certainly qualify for the pauper's affidavit in his current situation. But, as for me doing the filing for divorce, I am not ready to do that yet.

By still having communication with him he see's that as an open door to you. That may be good enough for him. He will eventually accept that's all he's going to get. But as long as you are still speaking with him......he's ok.
A year is a good amount of time and it will fly by. Be prepared to follow through. You'd be surprised to see how long they can hold out for.
Some men just need a place to lay their heads and nothing else. They are pretty simple. He has the validation that he still "has" you because you are talking to him on the phone. He hasn't lost you.
Think about it.......he has a place to sleep, food.....can still do his drug or alcohol, his wife talks to him AND brings him his medication. If you honestly believe he is totally unhappy you are wrong. He is just adapting.

[neecey1224]

Originally Posted by queenteree

To that I would say "not my problem". No offense

I don't take offense. As I said earlier, he was trying to get public assistance for his meds this morning, but doesn't qualify because we are married and he is on my insurance. And law forbids me to remove him from the insurance until we are divorced, which I am not willing to file for yet. He is always free to file himself.

Also, keep in mind, we are only on our 11th day of him living in the homeless shelter. Its not like this has been going on for months. I really feel it is entirely premature to make any permanent decisions (beyond not compromising on my boundaries - that is definitely a permanent decision).

I suppose my position boils down to I am simply not willing to hang him out to dry on this particular issue. I feel that would be plain spiteful. He takes major psychotropics for severe mental illness, and I want him to have his meds.

[neecey1224]

Stubborn - much food for thought. Thank you very much.

[neecey1224]

Originally Posted by Stubborn1

He has the validation that he still "has" you because you are talking to him on the phone. He hasn't lost you.

It feels to me that intentionally completely depriving him of "me" is a control/manipulation tactic, on my part, to effect some kind of response from him. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

Trying to control things and effect a response is super easy for me to fall into, and I am really trying not to do anything like that anymore.

[Silverberry1331]

Hi,

I think your boundaries are in a good place right now. Only you can tell if your boundaries and/or emotional and physical health is being compromised right now. What are you feelings when these conversations happen? Do you have the feeling you should be more distanced? Do feel that this is appropriate?

My husband is in the same situation, but not in a shelter. He is also applying for SSI, and has no income. He too asks when he can come home. I continue to speak with him here and there... I do not do if I feel like I am going to compromise my boundaries or if I am emotionally drained. I constantly reiterate that recovery needs to be a priority before talks about coming home and fixing our marriage.

It is always the same response with him..."I can do it myself." "let me come home first, and then I go." "it is for better/for worse, and sickness and health."

I understand the position of "not my problem," but on the other hand, I do believe in detachment with compassion. Most of us, including myself at the top of the list, can easily say, not my problem when it is regarding someone else's situation and alcoholic/addict. However, I, for one, have a much harder time applying that to my AH because there is emotional connections (whether we want them there or not). I personally can't just say oh well.

As far as I am concerned you have to do what is best for you, which means not compromising your boundaries AND being most comfortable with. As the situation progresses so will your position.

I am not sure how many will agree with me on this. I must admit I am new to recovery and just learning...alot more people are seasoned in this than I. Also, another mention, my AH was never violent or abusive....this may certainly differ if that is the case with you.

[denny57]

At the beginning, I found it helpful to make lists of all possible choices - even if some seemed far-fetched.

In this case I might list:

1. Continue to take him his medication
2. Drop it off with the shelter staff and let them give it to him
3. Have someone else take it to the staff
4. Arrange to have it mailed to him (I use on line prescription for my allergy med)
5. etc.

When I would find myself saying, well I can't do #_____, I'd ask myself why? Did I continue to do something because it made me feel good about myself (hiding behind altruism - a BIGGIE for me) or because it truly was what was best for the other person?

Every single case is different. What helped me most was opening my mind (and heart) to options outside my comfort zone.

[ToughChoices]

Originally Posted by neecey1224

It feels to me that intentionally completely depriving him of "me" is a control/manipulation tactic, on my part, to effect some kind of response from him. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

It doesn't sound to me as though you are letting your phone conversations with him mess up your peace of mind or ruin your day.
If that's the case, and you want to talk to him, then do.

If you're bawling your eyes out, shaking on the way to work, unable to concentrate, etc... then perhaps reconsidering the phone calls would be merited.

I admire your boundaries. They seem clear and all about you - not about making him do anything.

Limiting my conversations with my AH has proven helpful - but going "no contact" has not yet become necessary for me.
For some any amount of contact is too much.
Recovering is about figuring out what works for you-what gives you peace- and taking action to achieve that peace.

Good luck!
-TC

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by neecey1224

Is there something different I should be saying? Should I be saying less? More? Or just keep repeating my boundaries?

You've said what you want and need. He chooses not to take you seriously. You can repeat it as long as you feel you need to. Personally I find repetative conversations annoying but them I tend to be rather impatient.

Stick to your boundaries. See if you can find alternatives as Denny has suggested.

[atalose]

Stubborn makes an excellent point in her post, it’s possible he is just adapting to the current situation and not too much except where he lays his head at night has changed.

It’s something to really think about.