Is it a bad idea?

[snoopy]

Is it a bad idea to say to my H, boy you sure have been drinking more on the weekends. Or would that just give him more reason to drink? Fuel his fire. He knows that I don't like it. I have said, you and beer don't mix, you have a disease. He has admitted before that he would like to quit and has. The longest he has quit was 6 mon. but he relapse and hasn't quit for that long in a long time. He might take a week end off every few months. To me it is just a rollercoaster ride. But, lately it just seems to be more and more on the weekends. Should I say something? Or just keep riding? Thanks Snoopy

[EyesOpen]

Well, it's tempting to say something, but I have learned the hard way that is not productive.

If he's sincere about wanting to live beer-free, maybe the best thing you can do is plan some time in a non-drinking environment. Plan something fun away from the house, where alcohol isn't served. Hopefully, you can think of something that you'd both enjoy doing.

Although I know in my case, finding something to do away from the house where beer isn't served wouldn't have worked with my A. He'd pack his beer with him when we visited people..........

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Hi Snoopy.

Play the mental movie through. Go ahead and indulge in the one where he says "you're right... I've got to do something... hand me the phone book I'm calling AA." Okay, now do the alternate ending. The one where he says "You're crazy. I just need to relax on the weekends. What's wrong with you?" Which one has the ring of reality? He already knows how you feel about his drinking. You've told him. And no matter how unfair and wrong it is for him to deny and turn the tables, it still hurts to hear it. You're not sparing him if you avoid this coversation, you're sparing yourself.

I dated a guy one time who seemed to believe he could do or say anything as long as he did the proper penance. He was even cutesy about it. He'd put out his hand with a little boy smile and say "Here... smack me." The first time he did it to me I said "No... live with your guilt." He was highly disconcerted. It meant he had to think responsibly before the fact. He never made another vulgar remark in my presence. I've met a number of people that it seemed to me felt absolved from their poor actions because they endured nagging and scolding. They'd done their penance. Just my take, but I'd let him roll around in his own guilt.

Hugs,
Smoke

[snoopy]

Thank you for your replies. Those are good suggestions. I do usually wait until he says something like; I need to quit or I need to go on a beer diet. Then I usually add to that, what I think or how I feel. But, that is usually after he has had alot to drink and he his feeling it. Lately, he has drank alot to me, and has been waking up feeling and going on with the next day just fine. It just makes me sick sometimes. Anyway, Thanks again, Snoopy

[EmotionalMeg]

Hi Snoopy,
Once again, I am a tad bit late in responding
My experience with this is similar to what Smoke said. I find that A's already KNOW there is something awry in their lives, we don't have to remind them. In fact, when we start nagging, bit**ing, crying and carrying on, we are playing their game - in the end THIS is what helps them to AVOID the entire issue. We end up being the crazy ones... and they just keep on "keepin' on". Now, as a codependant myself *ahem*, I KNOW how utterly impossible it seems to keep my mouth shut... I am sure that if I can REMIND him of his behaviors, that he will see it MY way. But it wasn't until I turned my head, put my hands in my pockets and shut my mouth that HE began wavering and grabbing for lifelines... I wasn't playing the game; it was HARD for him to play alone... and he slammed himself hard into rock bottom.

Hmph... I am so vindictive. I am PROUD of my part in HIS reaching bottom

Take care
Meg

[EyesOpen]

Originally posted by EmotionalMeg
I am PROUD of my part in HIS reaching bottom

Wow! What a cool way to look at it.

Trying to get them to stop drinking is short-circuiting the process.

They gotta get to that bottom point first.

So, if we love them, we want them to get to the bottom as quickly as possible. That's the goal we should be going for. We're aiming for the wrong thing.

To someone who hasn't been through this, it sounds cruel.

Thanks for easing my guilt trip.