Please share your thoughts on moving to help H's recovery

[Rainy]

Hi all,
Here’s a tough question that I need some other peoples take on. Those of you who have read my posts know that H is in recovery, went to treatment in May, been in a recovery house for the past 2 months and will be going into a clean and sober house this coming week for a while longer.
My dilemma is this: We live about 30 minutes out of town. This was mainly due to my wanting to be out of the city. I grew up in Montana in a small community of only about 1000 people. I always lived in the country. When I moved to WA state 4+ years ago, and we ended up where we’re at now, a town of about 65,000 I was completely overwhelmed, it was like a metropolis to me! I told H no way could I live IN town, I had to get out of town where I was comfortable and where I could keep my kids in a similar environment to what they had always known too. H had lived in Seattle for years so he was totally comfy with the city life but was understanding of my wants and agreed to live out as far as I wanted to.
To make this as short as possible, we’ve been here long enough now that I am totally comfortable with the size of city we live in and I am no longer overwhelmed. In fact I love it here so much that I wouldn’t dream of living anywhere else now. H wants to move closer to or in town for several reasons, the main one being that when we do move back in together he wants to be close to meetings, and the people he has come to know in recovery. He wants to help others and stay involved with the recovery house every day. I understand that. Tonight we talked and he told me he had spoken at length about this to his counselor and told him he fears being so far away, that he will find excuses not to drive all the way in for meetings, that he will start to withdraw again, etc. We’ve discussed this a few times before and my initial reaction was that I would not move just to make life easier on him! Over the past couple of weeks though I’ve been praying about it and asking myself what are my reasons for thinking that? At first I thought it would be enabling if I up and moved just so he could have his needs met, then I thought maybe it’s selfish of me to not even consider it…as you can see I’m confused. When we talked tonight again, I told him I had been praying about it and I was not so inclined to continue being steadfast in my decision NOT to move, but I want to be sure that if we do, that I am doing it for the right reasons and not because I am trying to make life easier for him, but that I am doing it for completely unselfish reasons. The last thing I would want is to begin resenting him if I find out I really hate it. Any thoughts? He asked me if we could at least look around this weekend and I agreed. He said he would work out a happy medium with me, and we wouldn’t make any decisions until we talked to our counselor about it first. I thought that was fair.
Thanks!

[Ann]

Rainy

It sounds like a compromise may work for both of you. Maybe living closer but not right in the town. I think that being able to easily go to meetings and be close to support might be a good thing for him and it seems he recognizes this too. But you should also be able to live where you can be happy and comfortable.

It sounds like you have time to consider your options, so just keep an open mind and see if you can find a place that you both would enjoy living. My guess is that you will find a place that you both would be happy in.

Sending hugs and prayers.

[journeygal]

Ditto to what Ann says. If you can find a place that's suitable to the both of you, it could also serve as a fresh start for a new life of recovery.

[jojo]

Rainy -

It sounds like he was very understanding about your needs to live in the country, for your peace of mind and comfort level. If you feel that moving closer to the city would do the same for him and that you and the kids could be comfortable there - go for it. A change like that could be good for all of you. Getting a fresh start could help you both. His being closer to AA meetings can't be a bad thing and you would also be closer to Alanon.

I agree with the others - you have time to decide, just keep an open mind and see the possibilities!

Hugs, Jo

[Rainy]

To all, thank you for sharing your thoughts--I agree about a compromise. The fact that he wants to talk more about it with our counselor shows me he his thinking about my feelings, too (????). I can understand his wanting to be closer to support groups and meetings. The fact that he asked me how I felt rather than ‘told’ me this IS the way it’s going to be was another positive.

Jojo, you’re right when you said he was understanding of my needs and comfort level when we moved out to the country. He was, and although he’s always liked being there, it wouldn’t have been his first choice. He did that for me, knowing what a huge change this was compared to where I had grown up. In my opinion, now he is being honest with me about where his comfort level is and as his wife, I need to take that into consideration. Thank you.

Katie, I agree with you that there is no one more selfish than an alcoholic. But, when do we let go of old resentments and feelings and believe that what they are doing now in recovery is in their best interest to stay sober? Remember he didn’t tell me this was how it was going to be, he started by asking me to consider it and then explained his reasons why. He also told me if I was completely against it, he would not push the matter any further. I just want to make sure that whatever we do it is for the right reasons. I appreciate your input though, and I can relate to what you said.

Happy Friday to all!