wheres the empathy?

[dolphingal1971]

well, I had a terrible weekend. I have been having pain in my lower left and right sides off and on for 3 months now. well, on friday it was very intense and as I was leaving work, I called AH and told him and started crying I was hurting so bad. well, he tells me to go home and go to bed. I did and at 8pm he calls to tell me, in drunken slurs, he's on his way home and that he's gonna stop and get something to eat. Didnt even ask if I wanted anything. I told him that and that I really could use something to eat. Well, when he got home, he griped about how much money he spent on 2 dinners and then started fussing. Then i told him he doesnt need to talk that way to me because I was in pain and he may have to take me to the ER. Well he says, "take your ownself," and went to bed. Well, saturday I was hurting so bad I proceeded to go to the urgent care clinic 30 miles away. He says, "i'm taking you". I said "why bother caring now, you didnt last night". Well, the doctor told me to stay all weekend in bed and go my dr. on monday morning. Well, he did not take care of me at ALL! Did not bring me my medicine, fix me anything to eat or drink, check on me in the bed or NOTHING! He says that leaving me alone to let me rest is his way of showing he cares. Also, that asking me "You still hurting" when I would hobble into the kitchen to get a glass of water to take my medicine is his idea of caring. WTF!!! and then I go to the dr. and she wants to send me for a cat scan. She thinks I have a fibroid with a cancerous growth on it. And since then, he has been a dog. Griping about cooking for himself and all.

[anvilhead]

sadly, alcoholics rarely have the capacity to care too much about anyone or anything. unless it somehow benefits them as well. i'm sorry the person you rely on as your partner is unable to "be there" for you.......

[Silverberry1331]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are surrounded by my prayers and love! You have friends here who care about you and what happens to you. Take one day at a time...focus on yourself now...Please keep us posted on how things turn out...

[respektingme]

I know this too well myself. Had a bout with cancer and thought my DH might take a break from medicating himself to help me out. Well, he did things to help out so that he could appear to be caring for me, but they were for show. I was in the hospital, so he'd come by after work and call first to see if I needed anything. Then he'd go home and drink himself blind. My illness was a huge excuse to drink. Sad but true. You think when you're sick, your DH will put your health at the top of their priority list, but it just doesn't happen. The opposite often happens.

Have you ever seen the documentary on the Osbournes? Amazing. Sharon Osbourne was diagnosed with cancer while they were filming their reality show. In real life, she underwent treatment and went though hell. Her daughter said her father holed himself into a room and drank and drugged himself nonstop. Then you hear Ozzy talk about his take on it. "I didn't know what I was going to do without Sharon." Allllllllways I I I I I I. Every sentence he said revolved around poor Ozzy and what would he ever do without Sharon. And Sharon said she knew she had to stay alive for Ozzy's sake. What a freaking loon. His wife had cancer and all he could think about was his potential loss. I'm sure he was conveniently unavailable for 12 months while she was puking her guts out. Nice.

Anyway, best to you. I think lowering our expectations often helps.

[sam79]

Hmmmmmmmmmm!
I totally know this subject!
I had my appendix out in December 07 and on the day i had my emergency surgery my ABF decided he was sooooo worried he had to go out and get stupidly drunk.
I obviously knew nothing about this and was expecting to visit me at 7pm that night with more clothes and all my shower stuff.
Did he arrive....................no! Of course i was too ill at this point to find out what happened to him, i had to get the nurses to ring my mum and get her to bring some things instead.
For the next 2 days he didnt visit or contact me once.
Only when i got home he was fussing asking if i was ok!
So i know exactly how you feel,when you are ill you need support but unfortunately an alcoholic will never give that to you, i found this out way too late.

[penneypoo]

First, hope you feel better, nothing worse than being sick and having nobody there for you. I know this very well too, just today I was making a list of all the things I hate about by AH, and lack of empathy was at the top. I've been feeling bad the last few days, sinus, asthma stuff, and never once has he asked me how I'm feeling, or can I get you something. And prior to this I've had nights where I can hardly breathe, and he's totally oblivious in the garage getting trashed. It's part of the selfishness that goes along with the disease.

I've been dreaming today that I had a kind, considerate, loving, caring husband... NOT!! Unfortunately it's all about them. Tomorrow is by b'day, and I expect absolutely NOTHING from him. I'll keep dreaming!

Hope you feel better.

[Barbara52]

Sending you prayers for healing.

[prodigal]

I learned the hard way that if it's empathy I want, I'd better get it from anyone else on earth other than my AH. My expectations of him being there for me are absolutely nil. The way I see it, if someone is willing to drink themselves into oblivion, walk around unbathed, staggering into stuff and getting all cut up and bruised ... heck, why should I expect any decent treatment? My AH doesn't even take care of himself, so it would be a stretch for me to expect him to give me any care.

I hope you are feeling better. Please let us know if your condition is improving. Praying for your recovery SOON.

[AWEDA]

I had emergency surgery in 06.
AH chose to drink himself into an oblivion and
get on his motorcycle.
Needless to say he hit a street sign head on and
was rushed to the hospital.

I am in my bed recovering when my phone rings,
it's the ER telling me my husband has been in an accident
is it okay if they put him in the same room with me.

The insanity was never ending..........

[Blondie]

Sorry things are so bad, I pray things will get better for you soon.

It is pointless to expect empathy from an alcoholic (as most of us here have experienced). Is there someone else that you can turn too? Friend, relative, or neighbor?

[respektingme]

Aweda, your story takes the cake. I can almost see it happening. Geez, how did you manage to say you could share the same room? Probably out of YOUR empathy no doubt. I think I'd be tempted to say no.

[splendra]

My dogs are more concerned about me than my H....