New poster, long-time lurker … is it time for me to move on?

[CatsnDogs4Me]

First, my apologies for such a long post ... it being my first one...
I have been a lurker on these boards for the last few months, but reading some of the posts I read today pushed me into action to post & see about getting some advice/outside opinion on my situation. A little about me/my relationship. I’m 39 yrs old with a well paying job & no children but several pets (3 dogs, 5 cats – I’m involved in animal rescue volunteer work, so what can I say?) DH & I have been together for nearly 12 years; married for nearly 6. He was always a heavy drinker, but I originally just chalked it up to him blowing off steam/having a good time. I’m also an ACOA, so that clouded the situation for me a bit, too. Anyway, before we got married, I had already started in on him about his drinking, as it was getting worse. He swore to me that he would cut back after we got married. I was the classic codie – supporting him when he quit jobs; making the mortgage payments; paying off his car; counting his drinks; etc., etc. Sound familiar? By last Spring, everything just piled up on me – again in classic codie mode I was trying to do everything for everyone – and I announced I was going to get some therapy to help me deal with things. DH knew I was at the end of my rope & agreed to attend therapy with me. Fast forward a year later … DH dropped out of therapy after a few months. Said he didn’t connect with the therapist. He would cut back some on his drinking, but then would slide quickly back into 6 drinking days/week behavior. I continued seeing the therapist on an individual basis & started realizing more & more things about me (vs. focusing on him.) Early this year, after our many discussions around DH’s drinking & behavior, my therapist recommended Al-Anon to me. I went to a few meetings, and they were quite an eye-opener to me. At the same time, I started reading Al-anon message boards like this one. This was where I made some real breakthroughs … in reading real-life stories about people in similar situations to mine. After a lot of thinking, I made the decision to move out in Spring of this year. DH was, of course, devastated when I announced - after another drunk night - that I had had enough & was moving out. He tried all the manipulative techniques in the book to get me to stay. Fortunately, my therapist had braced me for what might happen. I stayed strong & moved out.

DH went into individual therapy after we separated & promised to work on his drinking and other issues. He has stuck with his therapist, and we even tried 2 other marriage counselors (who both focused on his drinking.) We talked about him going to AA, but still he continues to drink. He swears it’s less than before, but it still continues. And, he’s still struggling with other issues he committed to change when we separated. He’s sent me love letters, but I felt those really more focused on him than me. He swears his undying love and devotion … But, I don’t feel like he really respects me. Despite my continuing to say “I don’t want to go out drinking with you”, he keeps asking me to. Up until about 2 weeks ago, I would cave. Then, I read Melody Beattie’s “CoDependent No More” (again at the suggestion of my therapist.) Talk about a light bulb going off! I read him some passages from the book to try & explain to him my codie issues/recovery, and I asked him to help me in my recovery by not pushing my buttons on the things I’m working on. He said he would, but then he still asks me repeatedly to go out drinking with him, and I keep turning him down. The one positive out of all that is that the feeling of empowerment I have in saying “no” is quite a rush!

Anyway, so to sum it up, here it is, 3 months after we separated, and much of the same behavior continues. Many times when we get together, he tries to manipulate me into taking care of him through anger, tears, etc., etc. It gets to the point where I just don’t want to see him because it’s so draining. Yet, we’re still married, and I still wonder if he can change, and if we can become happy together again. He’s still pushing for reconciliation, but I’ve told him that I’m not willing to have him move back in until I see concrete, continued evidence of change (which hasn’t happened yet.) And, even then, I know it’ll take me some time to get over past resentments and hurts. I’m financially secure; have a good job & a nice place to live; have a good support system of friends (who say I look happier than I’ve been in ages); and have been told I hold up very well for a 39 yr. old… So my question is, am I crazy for waiting around for him to change, or should I move on with my life? Or, do I already know the answer but am afraid to say it? Any advice or help you can offer me is greatly appreciated.

[LaTeeDa]

Well, it sounds to me like you already have moved on in a lot of ways. So, what are you really asking? Should you make it official and divorce him? Start dating? Move away? Is there something you want to do but aren't doing because of him?

L

[CatsnDogs4Me]

I guess I'm wondering whether I'm being fair to him to give up after 3 months, or if I should wait & give him more time to try & put actions behind his words. But, at the same time, then I wonder how long I would wait for that. I've read lots of posts about how some As are willing to commit to AA &/or rehab & get sober, but I wonder if mine can really do that. I want to give him a fair chance, but I don't want to put my life on hold forever.

[Barbara52]

What would you change? Are you feeling ready to file for divorce? If so and that is what you think is best for you, do so. If you aren't ready for divorce, nothing needs to change, except of course him. You can remain separated as long as you want waiting for him to get sober and get into recovery. He may do it tomorrow. He may never do it. If that is ok with you, you don't have to change your legal status yet. Some people stay separated for long periods of time. Some eventually get back together with their A, even after a divorce.

I would be asking myself what I want and not be worrying about what he might want. I would be operating under the assumption that who and what he is right now is what and who he will continue to be.

If you think its over and you do not want to pretend otherwise, that should tell you what to do.

Personally I knew when I left it was over and I would never go back to xAH.

[LaTeeDa]

Originally Posted by CatsnDogs4Me

but I don't want to put my life on hold forever.

Then don't. I have been separated for 3 years. I have a life, I have a boyfriend (geez, that sounds weird to say at the age of 45), I have all the things I want and need and am aiming for a positive future for me. I initiated divorce proceedings over a year ago and let it languish till just recently because I wasn't ready to finalize it yet. I only recently took the steps to make the whole thing final because I think it's time. There is no rush on the one hand, but on the other hand there is nothing to stop you from doing what you want to do.

How about thinking in terms of what is best for YOU? What if being "fair" to him didn't matter? What if it was all about you? What would you do then?

L

[CatsnDogs4Me]

Thanks for the advice. I'm still working on this whole idea of focusing on myself - making progress, but slowly. I still fall back into the "what will people think mode" - i.e. what will people think if we're still separated after 6months ... a year ... that I've already been divorced once before ... I know intellectually that I shouldn't worry about those things, but it's getting the rest of me to realize it.

Thanks for sharing your stories & input. This board is such a good, safe place to share thoughts, concerns, and feelings. I know it's helped me just reading it the last few months.

[sadandhopeless]

Good luck to you.

[Lilyflower]

Hi CatsnDogs! Welcome to SR.

Originally Posted by CatsnDogs4Me

... DH & I have been together for nearly 12 years; married for nearly 6. He was always a heavy drinker,

That to me sounds as though you will be saying enough after 12 years, not ''giving up'' on him after 3 months.

keep posting!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Pajarito]

Hi CatsnDogs. . . I am separated from STBXAH, and have been for almost a year now. Wow time flies! It's taken me a while to really focus on myself, but I try to make that effort every day. Once I started doing that I realized AH was not willing to work on our marriage. I spent a lot of time trying to make it work, but one person cannot do it alone. Sadly I decided to move on. I guess my point is that you do not have to take drastic action right now. You already have in moving out. This time you have will give you perspective as well as the opportunity to work on the things you see you need to do for yourself. A year ago I had read Melody Beattie's book, and was annoyed with it. I've read it again since then and got so much more out of it. I believe things happen in the time they are supposed to. I didn't rush initiating divorce- and you don't have to initiate anything either. You are separated, living your life, enjoying yourself and working on your own recovery. I'd say that's doing something positive. Things will become more clear in time. Talking to friends and family, sharing in al-anon, reading and contributing to this forum as well as counseling have helped me immensely.

[Silverberry1331]

I find your strength very admirable. I suppose all things happen in their own time. I suppose you will know when enough is enough. I am praying for you and will look forward to more of your posts. I am new here too. I am still trying to figure out if we should separate or not...I guess each step poses its own challenges. All the best...