So much anger toward alcoholic boyfriend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Albany, NY
Posts: 4
So much anger toward alcoholic boyfriend.
My boyfriend of 3 years just completed 18 days in inpatient rehab for alcoholism. He's come out ready to turn over a new leaf (or so he says). He's very focused on his recovery, attending AA every night (trying to do 90 in 90) and also starting an outpatient program.
Things have been rocky between us since he came out. I moved out and set the boundary that we can only continue to see each other if he goes to AA/OP every night. He respects this and agrees with this. For the past year, he has lied to me about his drinking, and just in general hurt and disappointed me. The last straw before he went into rehab was him driving drunk with me in the car. I had him arrested.
I know that we can never repair our relationship if I can't get past my anger, and I WANT to. But little things set me off and almost every night, I end up blowing up at him and telling him how much he's hurt me, all of the things he's ruined. Afterwards I feel absolutely terrible. I want him to know the extent of how much his alcoholism hurts other people, but I doubt it's a good thing for me to continuously get mad and hammer the point home.
I want to forgive him and move on. He's holding up his end of the bargain (for the time being) and I told him I'd support him if he did. How can I release the anger and the hurt? I know it will take time, but am I supposed to keep it bottled up inside so that I don't hinder his recovery?
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Things have been rocky between us since he came out. I moved out and set the boundary that we can only continue to see each other if he goes to AA/OP every night. He respects this and agrees with this. For the past year, he has lied to me about his drinking, and just in general hurt and disappointed me. The last straw before he went into rehab was him driving drunk with me in the car. I had him arrested.
I know that we can never repair our relationship if I can't get past my anger, and I WANT to. But little things set me off and almost every night, I end up blowing up at him and telling him how much he's hurt me, all of the things he's ruined. Afterwards I feel absolutely terrible. I want him to know the extent of how much his alcoholism hurts other people, but I doubt it's a good thing for me to continuously get mad and hammer the point home.
I want to forgive him and move on. He's holding up his end of the bargain (for the time being) and I told him I'd support him if he did. How can I release the anger and the hurt? I know it will take time, but am I supposed to keep it bottled up inside so that I don't hinder his recovery?
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Not sure if my reply is one that you will want to read...but what you are talking about is one of the main reasons I could never take xabf back. Too much resentment, hurt, disappointment for ME to get over. I found that I can't let that go. I mean I could possibly forgive but I'll never forget.
There were times when I was so hurt by his actions that I felt I could rip my heart out of my chest at the very thought of what he had done or what he would do next. The pain that I'm going thru now after kicking him out is very similar and I'm hoping to come thru it sooner rather than later. I just could NOT imagine myself living with all that crap that we went thru - running it over and over in my mind.
I've told a good friend of mine that even if xabf called me today telling me he was going to therapy and AA 7 days a week 3 times a day that I still could NOT take him back because there has been too much hurt in the relationship for us to ever have a fair chance.
So maybe not very helpful to you - but know that you aren't alone.
There were times when I was so hurt by his actions that I felt I could rip my heart out of my chest at the very thought of what he had done or what he would do next. The pain that I'm going thru now after kicking him out is very similar and I'm hoping to come thru it sooner rather than later. I just could NOT imagine myself living with all that crap that we went thru - running it over and over in my mind.
I've told a good friend of mine that even if xabf called me today telling me he was going to therapy and AA 7 days a week 3 times a day that I still could NOT take him back because there has been too much hurt in the relationship for us to ever have a fair chance.
So maybe not very helpful to you - but know that you aren't alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Personally I don't think dealing with anger (other other emotions for that matter) by bottling it all up is healthy. Anger especially can lead to actual health problems.
Try finding some healthy ways to let the anger and resentment out. Journaling, having a loud anger conversation with yourself in a safe place, talking to a counselor or trusted friends. There are many ways to let the anger out.
Since this is all so new to both of you, telling the boyfriend may not be productive for either of you at this point in time. You have good reason to be angry and resentful, along with not having trust in him. But, those are your emotions to own and deal with, not his.
Hammering him with what you see as the hurts he has caused won't help him in recovery and IMO doesn't help you in yours either. If he truly embraces his recovery he will eventually understand what you want him to understand, even if his understanding is not the same as yours. But, that will take time. In the meantime, your hammering away at him sounds like more codie behavior with you trying to control the way his recovery progresses.
Try finding some healthy ways to let the anger and resentment out. Journaling, having a loud anger conversation with yourself in a safe place, talking to a counselor or trusted friends. There are many ways to let the anger out.
Since this is all so new to both of you, telling the boyfriend may not be productive for either of you at this point in time. You have good reason to be angry and resentful, along with not having trust in him. But, those are your emotions to own and deal with, not his.
Hammering him with what you see as the hurts he has caused won't help him in recovery and IMO doesn't help you in yours either. If he truly embraces his recovery he will eventually understand what you want him to understand, even if his understanding is not the same as yours. But, that will take time. In the meantime, your hammering away at him sounds like more codie behavior with you trying to control the way his recovery progresses.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Scout 
Sorry that you are going through this.....
Why not try to put the focus on you? Since this is what your boyfriend is doing.
When we start taking the focus off others and putting it on ourselves we then
start to take care of our business and
let them take care of theirs, we become more peaceful and less angry.
I use to be angry at everyone around me who drank (Family, Boyfriend & even friends) until I decided to stop beating everyone up for what they were doing and started to take care of why I kept beating myself up over everyone else and what they were doing what I thought was wrong! I realized one day it was not others
that I was angry at it was MYSELF!
Al-Anon, SR, Counseling and of course my HP has allowed me to see what I was doing was wrong among many other things in my life. I learned how to focus on my life and not anyone elses! It has given me compassion for those who are destroying their lives with addiction-It is something I cannot control. I can only hope and pray for them.
Maybe try something to keep the focus off him and on you-so that you can possibly be there to support him and work on the realtionship-It is possible! Journal everything that makes you angry and then work through it...keeping it in is only going to create more chaos for yourself. Working it through means doing the work which is not always
easy but if "we work it works"
ANGER is one letter away from DANGER
He has begun to recovery and walk his new journey in life and things have changed-IMHO he is trying to amend the wrongs he has done-I would not IMHO want someone holding on to the past of what I did wrong and demand that I do this or that-It would only push me away-
Be gentle with yourself! Read some stickies at the top of the forum-Check out the book
list and read some-Understanding Alcoholism more has helped me today to walk away from my brother who is near death with his drinking-I have learned to detach with love.
Keep posting! Remember your not alone-
Sorry that you are going through this.....Why not try to put the focus on you? Since this is what your boyfriend is doing.
When we start taking the focus off others and putting it on ourselves we then
start to take care of our business and
let them take care of theirs, we become more peaceful and less angry.
I use to be angry at everyone around me who drank (Family, Boyfriend & even friends) until I decided to stop beating everyone up for what they were doing and started to take care of why I kept beating myself up over everyone else and what they were doing what I thought was wrong! I realized one day it was not others
that I was angry at it was MYSELF!
Al-Anon, SR, Counseling and of course my HP has allowed me to see what I was doing was wrong among many other things in my life. I learned how to focus on my life and not anyone elses! It has given me compassion for those who are destroying their lives with addiction-It is something I cannot control. I can only hope and pray for them.
Maybe try something to keep the focus off him and on you-so that you can possibly be there to support him and work on the realtionship-It is possible! Journal everything that makes you angry and then work through it...keeping it in is only going to create more chaos for yourself. Working it through means doing the work which is not always
easy but if "we work it works"
ANGER is one letter away from DANGER
He has begun to recovery and walk his new journey in life and things have changed-IMHO he is trying to amend the wrongs he has done-I would not IMHO want someone holding on to the past of what I did wrong and demand that I do this or that-It would only push me away-
Be gentle with yourself! Read some stickies at the top of the forum-Check out the book
list and read some-Understanding Alcoholism more has helped me today to walk away from my brother who is near death with his drinking-I have learned to detach with love.
Keep posting! Remember your not alone-
Last edited by Rella927; 07-16-2008 at 06:03 AM. Reason: Spelling OoPs!
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Hi Scout!
It sounds like to have a long road ahead of you. I don't have any easy answers for you. It sounds as if you need to find a way for forgiving your BF and letting go of the anger - not an easy thing!
Can I recommend reading 'Under the Influence'? It describes the pathology of alcoholism and almost allows you to see this disease for what it is. I found that understanding the disease and recognising that it is a disease has helped me let go of some of my anger at my AH. The fact that I feel the end is in sight helps too though!
Journaling is a great idea - I started one a few weeks ago and it has helped me enormously. I can get it all out without dumping on my AH! Venting here can help too.
Think about why you're lashing out at your BF. What do you want to happen? What reaction from him are you looking for? Are you venting or is there something else at work there? Are you focussing enough on YOU?
It sounds like to have a long road ahead of you. I don't have any easy answers for you. It sounds as if you need to find a way for forgiving your BF and letting go of the anger - not an easy thing!
Can I recommend reading 'Under the Influence'? It describes the pathology of alcoholism and almost allows you to see this disease for what it is. I found that understanding the disease and recognising that it is a disease has helped me let go of some of my anger at my AH. The fact that I feel the end is in sight helps too though!
Journaling is a great idea - I started one a few weeks ago and it has helped me enormously. I can get it all out without dumping on my AH! Venting here can help too.
Think about why you're lashing out at your BF. What do you want to happen? What reaction from him are you looking for? Are you venting or is there something else at work there? Are you focussing enough on YOU?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Scout
It sounds like you have one nerve left.....and he's getting on it.
One of the things that my RA son pointed out to me is that recovery is a very personal (and somehwhat selfish) mission. It is very important for me to allow him to recover without my interference. And quite honestly, I'm trying to stay busy with my own recovery.
If you change the focus from HIS recovery (which belongs to him) and focus on your own recovery (which belongs to you), you may find that the anger fades away into healthier emotions.
gentle hugs
It sounds like you have one nerve left.....and he's getting on it.
One of the things that my RA son pointed out to me is that recovery is a very personal (and somehwhat selfish) mission. It is very important for me to allow him to recover without my interference. And quite honestly, I'm trying to stay busy with my own recovery.
If you change the focus from HIS recovery (which belongs to him) and focus on your own recovery (which belongs to you), you may find that the anger fades away into healthier emotions.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Can totally relate to feeling resentful and angry. My ABF has been sober now for 144 days and is doing great. For the first couple of months I wasn't doing so great...I think I'd built it all up in my head of how it would be like when he got sober and when he did it was so...."normal" and I thought "Is this it?"...
Then I had the anger and resentment hit me...I think I was resenting that he could get sober and then go about like he didn't have a care in the world and I was left with the awful memories, no apology, no thanks for putting up with his crap, etc.
I realised I was again focusing too much on him and his recovery, panicking incase he relapsed, walking on eggshells not wanting to upset him incase he drank....So I made myself stop, got out my copy of Codependant No More and starting working on me again.
I came to the conclusion that if he could put the effort in to not drinking, then I could put the effort into me. Panicking about whether he was gonna drink again was doing me no good, walking on eggshells was driving me mad, so I made an effort to stop it.
I find if I dwell in the past and think about those bad things he did then I do find resentment creeping back in, the best thing to do is work on yourself, find things to keep you busy, maybe an AlAnon meeting?
Just because they're not drinking anymore, doesn't mean we automatically recover too.
*hugs*
Then I had the anger and resentment hit me...I think I was resenting that he could get sober and then go about like he didn't have a care in the world and I was left with the awful memories, no apology, no thanks for putting up with his crap, etc.
I realised I was again focusing too much on him and his recovery, panicking incase he relapsed, walking on eggshells not wanting to upset him incase he drank....So I made myself stop, got out my copy of Codependant No More and starting working on me again.
I came to the conclusion that if he could put the effort in to not drinking, then I could put the effort into me. Panicking about whether he was gonna drink again was doing me no good, walking on eggshells was driving me mad, so I made an effort to stop it.
I find if I dwell in the past and think about those bad things he did then I do find resentment creeping back in, the best thing to do is work on yourself, find things to keep you busy, maybe an AlAnon meeting?
Just because they're not drinking anymore, doesn't mean we automatically recover too.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Yes we have all been hurt and think of all the horrible things that were done to us when our A's were under the influence and how many times we were let down.
You did good by moving that is a great step. You may need some kind of one on one therapy with a counsel that specializes in this. It may help you let go of all the anger you carry.
They do not realize how much they hurt the people that love them - that is known. But lashing out at him while he is trying to work a program is probably not the right way to go about it.
If you still love him try to get help to work through your anger and resentment. Remember they don't do it to us...we allow them to do it to us. We chose to be in these relationships and we choose to constantly forgive. It is so hard and I understand that belive me.
You have to make yourself better -
You did good by moving that is a great step. You may need some kind of one on one therapy with a counsel that specializes in this. It may help you let go of all the anger you carry.
They do not realize how much they hurt the people that love them - that is known. But lashing out at him while he is trying to work a program is probably not the right way to go about it.
If you still love him try to get help to work through your anger and resentment. Remember they don't do it to us...we allow them to do it to us. We chose to be in these relationships and we choose to constantly forgive. It is so hard and I understand that belive me.
You have to make yourself better -
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 22
I am new to SR and when I read Scout's post, I was thinking that is me! I am so angry with my husband!
He has gotten 6 DWI's! Three years ago he got his last one and was sentenced to 7 years in prison. He served 2 1/2, got out on parole this past Feb. He didn't make it but 3 months before he was drinking again. He was sneaking around behind my back. He had gotten to where he wouldn't come near me, wouldn't hug me, wouldn't kiss me. I thought our marriage was falling apart that he didn't want to be with me any more... only to discover it was because he didn't want me to smell the beer on his breath.
His parole has been revoked. Right now he is sitting in the county jail waiting to go back to prison. I have been so angry at him. He knew if he drank he would go back.
And here I am once again. Trying to keep our family and home afloat on one income. He is one of these guys that always has some project going on. The first time he got arrested he was refurbishing a pop up camper. When he got locked up I was left with this pop up camper in a thousand pieces in my garage. It took me for ever to get that thing back together enough to have it hauled off as junk. This time the project is an old motorcycle that he was rebuilding. And now, once again... I have a mess in my garage that I am going to have to clean up and do something with. Everytime I pull up in my drive and realize that once again I can't pull my car inside, I get angry.
I sit down to pay bills and I get angry because we only have half the amount of money to pay them with. I have had to cut back and learn to live on my income only. Our savings has been tapped out from paying attorney fees. Last time he was in, I went and visited him every weekend, I put a few dollars on his account so that he could buy a few things to make his time there more durable. I wrote him everyday. For 2 1/2 years my life was totally centered around him. When he got out, I thought... yea! It is his turn to take care of me for a while. And at first he did great. He got the house painted, and other chores around the house done that was the result of nearly three years of neglect. His boss gave him his old job back. We were finally getting caught back up on bills, getting credit cards paid off, etc. Life was finally getting easier for me.
But like I said, that only lasted 3 months and then evidently he started drinking again. And now, he is back in jail. And I am once again, trying to keep our home together alone! Talk about angry!!
A couple of days ago, I sat down and wrote him a ten page letter. I just spilled my guts out to him. (I had been walking on egg shells too, not wanting to upset him, afraid to upset him in any way which might cause him to drink. ) It isn't that I was blasting him (I didn't cuss or call him names, but I just started at the top and went through all the things he had done and how they affected me. And I didn't just stay within the last three months. I went all the way back to when the drinking first became a problem.
I have reached a point where I don't care if it upset him. I am angry and frustrated and hurt and a whole meriad of other emotions.
I am new to all of this. During his time in prison, I did discover just how much of an enabler I had been. I love my husband very much. He is a good man, but he makes some really bad choices.
I know i need to work on myself. But to be honest...
I have focused so long on taking care of my husband, my daughter, my parents, my job, PTA, teaching Sunday school, going to choir concerts, football games, etc...
You guys say to focus on myself. To take care of yourself. To be honest, I have never done that and I don't have a clue as to how to even start.
Well, thanks for letting me vent. Thanks for the post that you have written. They may have been meant for Scout, but they were helpful to me as well.
Karen
He has gotten 6 DWI's! Three years ago he got his last one and was sentenced to 7 years in prison. He served 2 1/2, got out on parole this past Feb. He didn't make it but 3 months before he was drinking again. He was sneaking around behind my back. He had gotten to where he wouldn't come near me, wouldn't hug me, wouldn't kiss me. I thought our marriage was falling apart that he didn't want to be with me any more... only to discover it was because he didn't want me to smell the beer on his breath.
His parole has been revoked. Right now he is sitting in the county jail waiting to go back to prison. I have been so angry at him. He knew if he drank he would go back.
And here I am once again. Trying to keep our family and home afloat on one income. He is one of these guys that always has some project going on. The first time he got arrested he was refurbishing a pop up camper. When he got locked up I was left with this pop up camper in a thousand pieces in my garage. It took me for ever to get that thing back together enough to have it hauled off as junk. This time the project is an old motorcycle that he was rebuilding. And now, once again... I have a mess in my garage that I am going to have to clean up and do something with. Everytime I pull up in my drive and realize that once again I can't pull my car inside, I get angry.
I sit down to pay bills and I get angry because we only have half the amount of money to pay them with. I have had to cut back and learn to live on my income only. Our savings has been tapped out from paying attorney fees. Last time he was in, I went and visited him every weekend, I put a few dollars on his account so that he could buy a few things to make his time there more durable. I wrote him everyday. For 2 1/2 years my life was totally centered around him. When he got out, I thought... yea! It is his turn to take care of me for a while. And at first he did great. He got the house painted, and other chores around the house done that was the result of nearly three years of neglect. His boss gave him his old job back. We were finally getting caught back up on bills, getting credit cards paid off, etc. Life was finally getting easier for me.
But like I said, that only lasted 3 months and then evidently he started drinking again. And now, he is back in jail. And I am once again, trying to keep our home together alone! Talk about angry!!
A couple of days ago, I sat down and wrote him a ten page letter. I just spilled my guts out to him. (I had been walking on egg shells too, not wanting to upset him, afraid to upset him in any way which might cause him to drink. ) It isn't that I was blasting him (I didn't cuss or call him names, but I just started at the top and went through all the things he had done and how they affected me. And I didn't just stay within the last three months. I went all the way back to when the drinking first became a problem.
I have reached a point where I don't care if it upset him. I am angry and frustrated and hurt and a whole meriad of other emotions.
I am new to all of this. During his time in prison, I did discover just how much of an enabler I had been. I love my husband very much. He is a good man, but he makes some really bad choices.
I know i need to work on myself. But to be honest...
I have focused so long on taking care of my husband, my daughter, my parents, my job, PTA, teaching Sunday school, going to choir concerts, football games, etc...
You guys say to focus on myself. To take care of yourself. To be honest, I have never done that and I don't have a clue as to how to even start.
Well, thanks for letting me vent. Thanks for the post that you have written. They may have been meant for Scout, but they were helpful to me as well.
Karen
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Scout- It is hard to let go of resentments I work on that as well. I work with a counselor and a group therapy session it helps me so much. This frustration will eat u up if u let it. I love to read it does help and if nothing else I am not focusing on the A in my life. Learn all u can. Let go and let God. Take care of u......
Karengrovo-Welcome~ After reading your most recent post I thought this needed to be brought back up. The back history any way. In my opinion, I would take this time to reflect and work on u. U have lost focus on yourself. In the end we are all we really have. I have to be happy, healthy and well adjusted for myself first. Secondly, my kids need a happy mom not a stressed out one. There are many great books out there all Melody Bettie books are great, library's have or borrow them. Internet is a great learning tool. Free book excerpts. I know u are far from an al anon meeting but there are many ways to get well and work on recovery. Take care, With Love... Kerry
Sorry if I knew how to paste and all I would... Thanks in advance for ur patience~
Karengrovo-Welcome~ After reading your most recent post I thought this needed to be brought back up. The back history any way. In my opinion, I would take this time to reflect and work on u. U have lost focus on yourself. In the end we are all we really have. I have to be happy, healthy and well adjusted for myself first. Secondly, my kids need a happy mom not a stressed out one. There are many great books out there all Melody Bettie books are great, library's have or borrow them. Internet is a great learning tool. Free book excerpts. I know u are far from an al anon meeting but there are many ways to get well and work on recovery. Take care, With Love... Kerry
Sorry if I knew how to paste and all I would... Thanks in advance for ur patience~
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: London
Posts: 130
Is it really anger? For me the "anger" which he never saw had far more to do with the continual breaches of trust that had happened in the past. I knew deep inside that my exA wasn't going to sort himself out after rehab, though I was so hoping he would. I think the anger of things past was more of a self protection mechanism in that it was all over if he did it one more time and that I refused to be hurt, lied to or abused anymore.
If he stays on the right track your anger will hopefully subside but if he doesn't the resentment you feel might stand you in good sted to say enough is enough I want more from my life.
Just a thought as we do all deal with things differently.
If he stays on the right track your anger will hopefully subside but if he doesn't the resentment you feel might stand you in good sted to say enough is enough I want more from my life.
Just a thought as we do all deal with things differently.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
The anger ended for me when:
Notice all the "I's" in my list? The anger ended when for me when I took action. I hold the key to my happiness.
- I stopped trying to have a relationship with a person who loved booze more than he loved me
- I began to love myself more than I loved the alcoholic
- I worked a program of recovery
- I made new, healthier choices
- I ended the relationship
Notice all the "I's" in my list? The anger ended when for me when I took action. I hold the key to my happiness.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by karengrovo 
And here I am once again. Trying to keep our family and home afloat on one income. He is one of these guys that always has some project going on. The first time he got arrested he was refurbishing a pop up camper. When he got locked up I was left with this pop up camper in a thousand pieces in my garage. It took me for ever to get that thing back together enough to have it hauled off as junk. This time the project is an old motorcycle that he was rebuilding. And now, once again... I have a mess in my garage that I am going to have to clean up and do something with. Everytime I pull up in my drive and realize that once again I can't pull my car inside, I get angry.
Mine did this, I was terrified of raising my little girl myself. I could do everything except poney tails, great big ole man fingers. That first morning before school, after the judge put my wife out of our house (she did for me what I couldn't do for myself) my then 5yo dd said, "don't worry dad I can do a poneytail"...and bam, she did. Do you know that now after years of practice I can do ponies better than both of her nannies that wear ponies. Go figure!
Also my job starts at 6:30am 45 mins away, school doesn't start till 7:30. Guess what, my new boss had been married to his highschool sweetheart all his life, raised 4 boys, understood about family and my problem. God Bless him. Let me start work 2 hours late for a year til I was blessed with a nanny (college girl) that didn't mind getting to our apt at 5:45 am. God Bless her. These are all my angels. (well not all of them, I have very many helping me).
Point is you know you can do this, man I think I'd haul ass.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
BTW I was a mad SOB when my wife was spending 30 days in that beautiful 45k rehab grooving with her kindred spirits while I was home working my ass off. Me and dd would drive 2 hours each way to see her ass, always sent us home couple of hours b4 visitation was over. The guards used to look at me funny. In retro spect, pretty sure we weren't her only visitors. A$$hole! Man I'm happy for some of my classic denial. Probably kept ME out of prison.
I've heard it said before, WE need a gd rehab for us codies. Maybe I'll open one someday! Got to sell it to the insurance co's somehow. Should have paid attention in all those business classes in college!
God Bless us all
Coyote:ghug
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
I recall when my mom had cancer that had spread to her liver. she was saying awful, miserable, horrible, disguting things to me. the doctor explained that the toxins from the liver were effecting her brain and thinking and that she does really not mean those things.
alcohol is doing the same thing to the brain, poisoning it.
alcohol is doing the same thing to the brain, poisoning it.
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