Pre-incident Indicators Associated with Spousal Abuse

[FormerDoormat]

I was going to post this at a later date, but since a new member is asking how to protect her infant today, I thought it best to post it now. Following is a list of pre-incident indicators associated with spousal abuse:

1. The woman has intuitive feelings that she is at risk.
2. At the inception of the relationship, the man accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as commitment, living together, and marriage.
3. He resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence.
4. He is verbally abusive.
5. He uses threats and intimidation as instruments of control or abuse.
6. He breaks or strikes things in anger.
7. He has battered in prior relationships.
8. He uses alcohol or drugs with adverse affects.
9. He cites alcohol or drugs as an excuse or explanation for hostile or violent conduct.
10. His history includes police encounters for behavioral offenses.
11. There has been more than one incident of violent behavior.
12. He uses money to control the activities, purchases, and behavior of his wife/partner.
13. He becomes jealous of anyone or anything that takes her time away from the relationship.
14. He refuses to accept rejection.
15. He expects the relationship to go on forever, perhaps using phrases like "together for life," "always," "no matter what."
16. He projects extreme emotions onto others (hate, love, jealousy, commitment) even when there is no evidence that would lead a reasonable person to perceive them.
17. He minimizes incidents of abuse.
18. He spends a disproportionate amount of time talking about his wife/partner and derives much of his identity from being her husband, lover, etc.
19. He tries to enlist his wife's friends or relatives in a campaign to keep or recover the relationship.
20. He has inappropriately surveilled or followed his wife/partner.
21. He believes others are out to get him.
22. He resists change and is described as inflexible, unwilling to compromise.
23. He identifies with or compares himself to violent people in films, news stories, fuction, or history.
24. He suffers mood swings or is sullen, angry, or depressed.
25. He consistently blames others for problems of his own making.
26. He refers to weapons as instruments of power, control, or revenge.
27. Weapons are a substantial part of his persona; he has a gun or he talks about, jokes about, reads about, or collects weapons.
28. He uses "male privilege" as a justification for his conduct (treats her like a servent, makes all the big decisions, acts like the "master of the house").
29. He experienced or witnessed violence as a child.
30. His wife/partner fears he will injure or kill her. She has discussed this with others or has plans to be carried out in the event of her death (e.g., designating someone to care for her children).

So what can we tell a woman who thinks she (or her children--emphasis mine) might be injured? Seek and apply strategies that make you unavailable to your pursuer. If you really believe you are at risk, battered women's shelters provide the best way to be safe. Shelter locations are secret, and the professionals there understand what the legal system doesn't; that the issue is safety--not justice....It is unfair that (the abuser) gets away unpunished, but it is more important that you come away unhurt....Shelters are where the safety is, where guidance is, and where wisdom is. Admittedly, going to a shelter is a major and inconvenient undertaking, and it's easy to see why so many victims are lured by the good news that a restraining order will solve the whole problem. But imagine that your doctor said you needed immediate surgery to save your life. Would you ask, "Isn't there a piece of paper I can carry instead?"

Excerpts from "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker

[sadandhopeless]

Please I have not ready through all the posts today. If anyone has an infant and feels scared please leave. Don't stay and don't take the chance. Poor little children are defenseless to all of this.

[deezaldog]

If you think it is happening, it is. I was an independant professional with a secure future I built myself. I came across a man with the abuse behavior. I did not see at first. Started after I married him. Gradually it started and progressed. I drank more and more in denial that it was happening to me. I lost everything when I left. My safety was more important. No one can believe it and I certainly cant. Sobriety has helped so much. Letting go of denial I had to stop beating myself up for letting it happen. I know I am better off and sober.

[deezaldog]

That was in response to Doormat. I still need to learn the system

[FormerDoormat]

You did just fine, Deezaldog.

[Rella927]

Thinking this needs to be made a stickie! Thanks for this post FD!

[DesertEyes]

Done stickied. I put it in the section titled "About Abuse".

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)

Mike

[Rella927]

Thanks Mike as always you are the man!

[Kindeyes]

Thanks for sticky-ing this topic. I almost picked up "The Gift of Fear" for my daughter. Now I will. She needs it!

Thanks FDM--good stuff!

[Sweetiepie1]

Kindeyes, I picked up a copy cheap on ebay, it's worth a look if you use it as it was half price including the postage (and I'm cheap)

[FormerDoormat]

Glad you picked up a copy of the book, SweetiePie. The chapter that I believe will be the most eye opening and beneficial to you is entitled "Intimate Partners." Let us know what you think.

[FormerDoormat]

Correction, that chapter is entitled, "Intimate Enemies."

[liveweyerd]

Thank you FD, it would be such a gift if we could teach and make this available to young people as they begin to date in high school. And in community colleges etc.
If we could validate just one woman's reservations.......many would benefit.

[IO Storm]

Thank you..I am reviewing all of this again...dealing with a stalking ex.

[In a Tailspin]

Wow. Thanks so much FDM. I left my ex-husband based on verbal abuse and fear that it would become physical. I actually remember a conversation with him where I was trying to get him to understand how hurtful his words were, and why I would not continue to live like that. I told him that it would almost be easier if he would hit me, just once - because that was a very clear act of abuse, whereas the verbal stuff was so subjective. It didn't leave a bruise or mark for me to take a picture of and remind myself.......

Please don't think I really wanted to be hit, it just was the point that it was an easier thing to say "there - you crossed my boundary, now we're done."

Anyways, looking through your list was a huge confirmation that I did, in fact do the right thing and that my fears that it was leading to physical violence were right on. He quite easily and clearly met 15 of those 30 criteria. Thankfully, I never had kids with that man. Sadly, the woman he was engaged to before our divorce was final and married only 5 months after it was final (who is 18 years younger than him) wasn't so smart. Unfortunately, she is tied to him for life. Thankfully, he will never be a part of mine again.

Thanks for such an eye-opening and decision-confirming post.

[MissFixit]

Thanks for the bump. Although I was never physically hit, I could check off all but 3 things on that list. Scary. And I justified every single one of them...

[dgillz]

Here's the one that hit me:

At the inception of the relationship, the man accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as commitment, living together, and marriage.

A real man does not need to rush these things, especially the living together part IMO. If he is rushing it, it is a big sign of insecurity, again IMHO.

Living together can be "justified" by an A and all they will talk about is how much money "we" could save, when all this really is about is the A getting more money to spend on drugs and booze.

[dazednconfuzed]

Originally Posted by FormerDoormat

[*][*][*]He becomes jealous of anyone or anything that takes her time away from the relationship.[*]He refuses to accept rejection.[*]He expects the relationship to go on forever, perhaps using phrases like "together for life," "always," "no matter what."[*]He projects extreme emotions onto others (hate, love, jealousy, commitment) even when there is no evidence that would lead a reasonable person to perceive them.[*]He minimizes incidents of abuse.[*]He spends a disproportionate amount of time talking about his wife/partner and derives much of his identity from being her husband, lover, etc.[*]He uses "male privilege" as a justification for his conduct (treats her like a servent, makes all the big decisions, acts like the "master of the house").

OMG - I'm been living with a 26/30 give or take - for so many years. These aren't PRE indicators for me. They've been going on for years and years. They ARE MY LIFE. I just highlighted the ones that I hadn't been as aware of.

It's really scary to see all this in print. I am shocked at how accurately this describes my A partner. I'm also surprised at how much of this can be going on and eventually become SO 'normal'. The way he sees it is as long as he never PHYSICALLY touches me, he can be this way forever and continue to 'minimize' the abuse - of course along with blaming most of it on alcohol.

The 'minimizing' has kept me blind for so long. Along with the fact that he can be 'extremely' nice, affectionate or helpful if he chooses. No wonder he doesn't want to sell the house. Why bother, when you can be the 'king of your castle' and all its servants? No wonder I've become so sick over the years!

Thanks so much for posting this Former Doormat!

... oh - and the clincher??? Since he blames any bad behavior on his drinking and blames ME for his drinking - guess whose fault ALL of this is? (in his eyes of course)

[Startingover2]

Great topic...Great information. Glad its a sticky.

[IO Storm]

Yess...

I lent him my key to feed my cats at 30 days while I attended my daughter's wedding.

He moved in completely on the week end and didn't even feed the cats! The relationship lasted off and

on for 11 years. Sheeeeeesh.

Pretty scary indeed.

[IO Storm]

25. He consistently blames others for problems of his own making.

He had 5 years..I had 60 days.

I wish I knew then what i know now about recovery. The whole was a total mind twist.

[blessed4x]

Holy cow!! 14 of the 30 are for sures, and there are a few I was on the fence about. Yikes......thanks for bumping this, I missed it the first time around.

I have always said he would have to get physical with me ONE time and it would be over. It just makes you think that even once might be too many.

[kj3880]

Yikes...I'm so grateful I recently broke it off with exabf. He met about 14 of these clearly. It even got physical on one occasion, with him justifying it afterward as "playing that got out of hand." Because it happened only once, I justified that, too. And the first thing I noticed was the #2. Accelerating the pace of the relationship...he wanted to move in with me from about day 14. Thank God I said no. Mine is still half-way stalking me...but I just ignore him completely and it seems to be tapering off. I had to learn the hard way that just because someone is clean and attending 12-step program every day for 2 years, it doesn't mean they are healthy at all!

KJ

[IO Storm]

It takes a real man to break things...

It did shut me up..didn't want the neighbors to hear. Good grief.

[Glenna9802]

The Gift of Fear is the BEST BOOK EVER!!!!!

It taught me not to be afraid of everything, but that there are real things out there to be cautious of and to trust my instincts. Gavin DeBecker has two other books along the same lines, which I have read and loved as well. One is for protecting your children. The other is on subjects like terrorism, etc. Everyone should read them!!