Better for me so why the confusion?

[kingston]

I've been reading/lurking here for a while now. I'm in a situation now where I really need some feedback.

My AH has been sober now for about 3 1/2 years. He doesn't go to AA anymore - he did regularly for the first year but now nothing. He also doesn't work. He has used all his savings/pension. He had this dream of being self employed - doing hypnosis, he has spent a lot of money and time trying to this. He has a few clients but nothing that makes any money - $200 a month. For almost a year now I have been the .money maker. I keep telling him he has to find a job - we are strapped with no savings and living pay cheque to pay cheque. My job is also in unstable now with a possible lay off coming. So.......

I sat down with him last night and told him that how I was feeling - trapped, scared, insecure etc etc. In order for me to feel better about my life I need financial security (we are in our mid 50's). I told that if by Sept 1 he doesn't have a job that would allow him to contribute 50% of the costs I will look for a smaller apartment - on my own.

I know in my heart that this is the right/healthy thing for me but and there's always that but, why did it have to come to this? He's a great guy but so dam irresponsible. I've stopped myself from bugging him about getting a job, giving him leads, etc because it's my old behaviors coming back. I find myself slipping back into old codie ways.

I remember I gave him the name of a friend who is in HR, he could have a nice security job that pays ok and the hours are flexible which would allow him to "dabble" in his business. He said that he couldn't be a security guard - that was beneath him! And also no high stress job - it would cause him to drink again.

Warning Warning Warning

All he said last night was ok, I understand - that's it nothing else. Sometimes I think he's pushing me just to see how far he can go.

He has everything, a nice place to live, food, smokes, gas for his car, insurance, why get a job?

I'm just so dam frustrated, angry and hurt right now. The voice inside my head keeps asking why? Why does he do this and why do I keep allowing this? He's sober but his behavior is just as bad.

Sorry for the long vent but if anyone has any suggestions please let me know, thanks

[Lilyflower]

Originally Posted by kingston

... He had this dream of being self employed - doing hypnosis, he has spent a lot of money and time trying to this...

...For almost a year now I have been the money maker....

...He has everything, a nice place to live, food, smokes, gas for his car, insurance, why get a job? ...

I know it would be hugely tempting for me to never buckle down to a 9-5, face up to my share in the responsibilities of life etc if someone allowed me to do exactly what I want.

Originally Posted by kingston

...why did it have to come to this? He's a great guy but so dam irresponsible. I've stopped myself from bugging him about getting a job, giving him leads, etc because it's my old behaviors coming back. I find myself slipping back into old codie ways....

Making someone face up to their responsibilities as an adult is not acting codie! It is setting a healthy boundary that ensures wellbeing and security. Don't fear setting up boundaries that protect your sanity!

Sounds like you have been fearful of making him accept his responsibilities because you wanted to be supportive to him and give him space to heal and do his own thing, very nice of you!

However, he has a responsibility toward you and your relationship to ensure he acts mature and contributes to your life! You have been carrying him, and he has loved every second of it! Part of recovery for an A is learning how to manage responsibility and deal with the stress they bring and still maintain sobriety! How can he do this when you are enabling him to remain foot loose and responsibility free?!

I am glad you have put your foot down and told him to buck up, he needs it IMHO! Hopefully he will take on the boundary with gusto! If not, well he will be on his own and having to get responsible anyway, because you won't be there to pick up his pieces anymore. I wonder if he will stay sober with that stress?

Aaaaahhhh, real life, why is it so hard for them to deal with, we all manage it!!!

Stand firm on this one!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Impurrfect]

((Kingston)))

I agree with Lily. He's been getting his way, so he's not going to willingly change.

I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codie. I don't have nearly as long clean time as he does, but I have dealt with a ton of stress in the 15 months I've been in recovery, and it has only strengthened my recovery. Him saying that a stressful job will make him drink is BS.

For the first time in my life, I'm acting more responsible BECAUSE of recovery. I was an RN for 12 years, made pretty good money. Now, I'm waiting tables for $3/hr plus tips and I'm grateful to be working. Not only that, but I enjoy my job...meet a lot of interesting people.

It sounds to me like he just wants to keep letting you foot the bill, as he does what he wants.

Remember...you don't have to stick to the Sept. 1 deadline....you have the right to take care of yourself, and you've given him plenty of time to find a job.

Take care of you, sweetie.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Barbara52]

It sound to me as if you're handling this the right way. You've explained your needs and expectations and set a limit. The next steps are up to him. You are asking him to be an equal contributin part of your marriage. If cannot do that, what kind of a marriage is it?

He sounds a lot like my xAH except my xAH has never stopped drinking or admitted to his alcoholism. He got fired 3 years ago and is still unemployed even though he is now facing homelessness as soon as our house sells or goes into foreclosure. His behavior makes no rational sense. I would have thought he'd get a job, any job, to pay the bills, but seems to think anything less than what he had before is beneath his dignity.

[Rella927]

Kingston Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us and decided to stop
lurking! Sorry that you are going through this right now...

As others have stated you are doing the right thing and it appears that
you have a plan for yourself. Which is what is important YOU!
I have found even when we remove the Alcohol sometimes
the behavior is still there...which yes can become frustrating and
make anyone angry and hurt. It is ok to feel those feelings…


While you stick to your plan remember that it is what you are doing for YOU...
We cannot change them or anyone but we can stop allowing to do things for
them that are going to cause us harm-(Feelings of anger, hurt etc..)
This is not an easy thing to do detaching ourselves however in the
long run it is worth it to ourselves. When we begin to listen to that
voice inside and not ignore it, it gives us the answer we need for ourselves.

My brother has been drinking since he was 13 years of age....was sober
for 3 years in the past 38 years. When he lost his job (of 25 years), wife divorced him
and left state with the kids, went to jail (3 times), lost his license, the list goes on you get the idea....

My mom allowed him to stay in her home for close to 3 years-enabling
Him with a roof over his head food, he did not work, bought him a car
for when he got the license back, verbally abusing both my mom and step Dad-he continued to drink (hiding it)
and manipulating them and finally after all of us kids
kept trying to stay out of it best we could-dropping small hints of the enabling
she was doing-My Mom finally got it! Something
she needed to do on her own…she laid down the things he needed to do
in order to stay in there home and he did not abide by what she asked (which
really is not much to ask-get a job and contribute a little)

She has now banned him for the home-he got an apartment which
he is paying for by credit card cash advancement, not working, hanging
out with the wrong people-however it is his choice-He goes into
detox every 6 weeks then starts all over again with the drinking......

My mother see’s this pattern and is now understanding that there is nothing she can do....
except love him from a distance and pray for him.
It is a hard thing to do when we care deeply (codie thing ) however when we start
putting the focus more on ourselves and leave them to their business....
they either get it or they don't it is not up to us!

Wishing you well and keep us posted
Be gentle with yourself...