out of sorts............

[Rose56]

Good Morning Friends, I missed you last week while I was away visiting my sister in NJ. I am feeling so out of sorts this morning.

Several months ago I invited my sister and her family to go with my family to Key West in August. We were planning on it. About three weeks ago she told me she wasn't sure she would be able to go because her husband didn't want to. Since then she has been going back and forth about whether to come without him or not. I made the mistake of telling my husband that she might not be going with us. WHile I was visiting her this past week, my husband invited his brother and their family to go with us. WHen he told me I explained that my sister had not decided whether she was going or not. Since then he has been pressuring me to get an answer from my sister. I mean big time pressure like calling me and her names and screaming about why doesn't she know if she is going and so forth. Yesterday I called her and asked if she knew what she was going to do and still she does not. So last night another screaming session with my husband about this (of course these always happen when he is drinking).

I have about had it with both of them, sister and husband. I am thinking about not going on the vacation myself. I hate being in this situation. My husband thinks that I should just tell her she can't go. Do I have NO backbone?

My husband is going to Fla today with his Dad for a few days. I know he felt bad about the fight, but still thinks he is right. He expected me to just hug him this morning and forget about the whole thing so he would feel better going on this trip. Part of me wanted to but part of me was still so angry. Now I am at work and he is on the way to Fla until Fri. I feel upset and angry.

Why is this my life? THe readings today both talk about not assigning blame during a conflict and not focusing on sho is right etc. Should I have accepted his lame apology this morning? Why am I so frequently at work and feeling like I will burst into tears? WHat kind of life it that?

I am thinking about calling my sister this morning and telling her not to come. But if I do then I will be angry when his brother comes and I am sure I will say something to him about it. I just don't see a good resolution to this problem. I was even thinking about telling him that I can't go because of something at work.

Help?

[lyn_blossom78]

Don't ya hate that sick to your gut feeling you get when your marriage relationship is out of sorts? I have the same thing, and my husband, during one of his nice moments admitted he has the same problem.

Let's start with: This is not your fault. You are being pulled in two different directions. You want your sister to come, because it won't be nearly as much fun without her--but darn, she can't make a decision. Then your husband is trying to force you to force her (totally out of your character) to get her to make a decision she's not ready to make. You, are being put in a bad position, because if you try to make your sister make a decision, or make it for her, as he's trying to get you to do, you can't do it in a way that doesn't make you look like the bad guy. It could even cause a rift that is not so easily repairable in family relations.

That being said, let it go. While he's in FL for a couple of days, take this time for yourself--you probably haven't done this in a long time. Give it a couple of days, and, who knows? Sis might make a decision. Or, hubby may come home refreshed from his trip, and he may not feel so stressed about whatever threw him into this tangent.

You could (after you've had time to de-stress yourself) take sis for a cup of coffee, tell her how much you care about her and would love her to go--let her know you'll love her no matter what her decision is--try to find out what's holding her back--help her through the decision-making process. Perhaps you can make it sound exciting--plan some time for girl-time.

I know when I have to make a decision about going on a trip--all the problems loom up in front of me (what will I do with the kids? the dogs? The house? Stop the newspapers and mail... days of packing..... work overtime at work so everythings ok there...) The only way I can get excited about going is to think about how much fun it will be so the fun seems to outweigh the yuck in getting ready.

Hope you have a relaxing next few days.

Lyn

[constant]

Rose, I am so sorry that you are feeling out of sorts today. I don't have any wonderful advice for you, but can relate to the struggle of what your going through.

Why is your sister undecided? Do you really want her to go? Do YOU really want to go? Maybe a little soul searching will help you decided.....disgregard the issue of the arguement and concentrate on what it is that you want to do.

Hope that your day gets better!

Constant

[NoDoubt]

Oh Rose!

To be stuck in the middle and not even be sure where you stand?! (Hope that makes sense).

Soul searching is a good idea.

Here's a really good idea - Take us to Florida with you and tell eveyone else to find something else to do.

NoDoubt

[Ann]

Rose

I am sorry you are feeling so badly, but your sister really shouldn't hold up your own plans. Unpopular as my suggestion might be, I suggest calling her and telling her you need to know within a couple of days, It's not fair to any of you to be helpback because of her indecisiveness.

If all else fails....I"LL go with you.

[JT]

I am with Ann here. Tell her that if she is not going the other people will go and you need to know. Unless she knows what is going on she is in the dark.

Get yourself out of the middle of this and you will feel much better.

Hugs,
JT

[2many2count]

Rose.... Sorry you're having such a rotten day. I have been caught in the middle a hundred times between my sis and my husband. Not a fun place to be. I'm with the rest of the crowd on this one....do some soul searching. Figure out what you want to do. Call your sister and talk to her. I know I can talk to my sis about anything. Let her know that you need a decision because if she isn't going you would like to find someone else to go in her place. That seems fair to me. Do you think she is putting you off because she doesn't want to tell you she doesn't want to go without her husband?Ask her.


Good luck and I hope your day gets better!!!!

Hugs,
2many

[Rose56]

Thanks guys for your thoughts.

I am clear that I want to go on this vacation. I plan to call my sister tonight and see if she has made a decision. If she has not, I will tell her I think it is a sign that we should skip this trip and look forward to the next one. If she decides to go, then fine.

At this point with all the trouble, I would rather that she didn't go because of all the hard feelings already. And I have some hard feelings too, not only my husband. If she doesn't go then I will be better able to just relax and not worry about a potential blow up while we are there.

I do have a problem with not standing up for myself and saying what I think, even with my sister. On the other hand I have been quite indecisive on occasion too. Thanks for listening.

[still learning]

(((HUGS))) for you, Rose.
I do hope your conversation with your sister goes well tonight. Are you going to ask her why she is having trouble making a decision? Are you going to tell her you have felt frustrated and unhappy about how you feel you are being treated? Maybe think of saying, "It hurts me that I don't know why you can't make a decision about the trip, etc., etc. Is there something you would like to share? I'm confused." (These are some communication suggestions I'm learning from a very good teacher who helps with conflict management). No pressure on her, just be loving. It might just be a good idea for the two of you to take a trip alone together - for sister talk and fun. Hope this helps a bit.

[Rose56]

Thanks Just Learning,
I talked to my sister last night about the trip and she is not planning to go at this point. I know why she is having trouble deciding - her husband does not want to go and she thinks he will be angry if she and the kids go without him. Also the expense of the airfare and her daughter(6yrs) is afraid of flying. Bottom line she does not care about going to Key West she would only go to see me and my kids. Her husband wants to plan another vacation and she doesn't think they should take two vacations. So all along I knew why she was having trouble deciding, she wants to see me again and doesn't want to let me down.

The conversation went fine. I just told her about the fight my husband and I were having over this issue and she said that she was sorry she was causing this problem. She said just tell my husband that she is not going and if she decides at the last minute that she wants to go, she will get a room at the Quality Inn or something. I think this is best but I do feel a bit sad about her and the kids not going. I just spent a week at her house and still feel like it is not enough. We are so close but live 400 miles apart. When we were children we talked about living next door to each other when we were older. But we are both the major breadwinner in our families and our jobs keep us apart.

So the decision is made. I haven't told my husband yet as he has not called from Fla yet. I feel sad as once again everyone cannot be pleased. I wish I did not feel I had to try to please everyone.

I was reading a novel last night and one of the characters had a father that was an alcoholic. He was very angry about his Dad and the way he treated him and his mom. He met two children and they started talking about how their mother had a problem with her nerves and that she drank vocka to settle them. They explained that the vocka did not help with the nerves but made her do and say things she didn't mean. They said that they didn't blame her for what she said while she was drinking and she didn't really mean it. They also said that they don't feel angry with her, they feel sad for her as wouldn't she want to be like everyone else instead of having the nerve condition and drinking if she could? It seemed to help the main character to hear this perspective. I guess this is acceptance of the problem.

I wish that next time an argument comes up when my husband has been drinking, I could just let it go and refuse to discuss anything until he is sober. This would not gaurentee we will agree but it would avoid unnecessary nasty fights. I do NOT have to defend myself or my position every time he attacks me. Pray for me that I can do this when this happens again. I do love my husband and think there is plenty there to love in spite of the alcohol problem and all its troubles.

Thanks from my heart for listening and caring.

[still learning]

(((Rose))) Thanks for sharing. I'm so glad you touched base with us. I'm thinking that when you are tempted to talk it out with him you might be able to slip away to the bathroom (I used to do this) for at least 15 minutes until the "urge" to reply passes by. I like www.Flylady.net where I have learned "You can do anything for 15 minutes". And so, I have my timer. I set it and let it tick away the moments as I practice a new habit.

Toby Rice Drews helped me so much with this one. I am "still learning". All I know is that these guys are often in BLACK OUT and don't hear us any how. So, it's like blowing our heart out into a big black hole!

My mother had a great saying, "Never apologize, never explain. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe you any how."

The alcoholic loves the booze and the feeling he gets from the booze. Loving someone else? We're a distraction! I know we can love them, but we can detach and constantly do something wonderful for ourselves - like take a trip alone with your sister, your very special sister who loves you. Sounds like she needs your caring support, too. Is her husband an alcoholic, too?

[Rose56]

Thanks Still Learning,
I like the idea about the timer and the bathroom. Maybe I will place my kitchen timer in there to prepare for the inevitable.

No, my sister's husband is a shop a' holic, a spending freak but not a drinker. My sister is a saver so this causes her more grief than the alcohol would I think!

Yes, I will try to plan a trip with my sister. My vacation is just about done for this year but maybe we can do a long weekend.

Also I love your mother's saying!! I am putting it on my white board. Thanks for your support.

[tiredbusymom]

I am glad that your vacation plans are resolved. Go and have a great time! We just returned from there. BEAUTIFUL!

I think you have a good point about arguing while your H is intoxicated. You should start practicing being very even keeled when these things erupt. A wise friend once told me...Pick your fights. I find that this is a great practice. I don't allow myself to be upset if my children want to wear parkas in July. Some people just have to learn for themselves.

Don't forget the sunscreen!