No Contact

[Angelus]

It's a strategy for healing that I firmly believe in...except for those weak moments when I begin to doubt my own judgement and experience guilt over the severity and finality of this act.

I think it's something that many people would not understand...the act of shutting someone out of your life entirely. Whether it's a spouse, friend or family member, I think a lot of people honestly live with the false impression that they HAVE to let these people stay, no matter how toxic, hurtful and damaging they may be, simply because of past history and connection, family ties etc.

I am curious to hear from anyone who practices NC and their experiences with it

[peaceteach]

I have had to do this with a sister-in-law, Angelus. One of my very best friends. It's been over a year now with no contact, after having sporadic contact for several years. It was a really sad story, my brother died suddenly of rampant cancer, she got addicted to his oxycontin pills, then tried drinking and most drugs as an alternative to treatment to get off the pills, did a 180 in life, terrible parenting at this point to her three children (one now married and two of whom moved out and lived with me for a year) and still in denial. Been in and out of jail so many times, facing prison next time with two felony convictions already, has had many drugged-out deadbeat boyfriends, kids all left her, just terrible. I don't know if she will ever pull out of this spiral, but I know I had to.

I hear this and that now from the kids, with whom I keep in good contact and who are thriving and doing well. I miss the old her, but this new, whacked out version is total insanity, full of lies, and downright dangerous. I just had to let go and try to put her out of my mind. I wanted SO much to "help" her through her grieving and sad situation, but she is just too arrogant and full of her own "theories" for anyone to reach her. She's had bottom after bottom, but keeps using and betraying everyone's trust. I still pray for her and hope that one day she will find serenity and sobriety. But I had my own demons to deal with in my marriage to an alcoholic and with an addicted child, and just life and work. She was a user of anything and anyone, and I had to stop the madness. I stopped answering when she called last March, and haven't talked with her since. She's in jail right now and will hopefully be out for her middle son's wedding in June (she missed the birth of her first grandchild last summer by being in jail also), but none of us are holding our breath. I will treat her as always, with love and kindness, if I do see her. But I will never be her best friend like I once was. I just can't trust anything she says anymore.

[Barbara52]

When I left my AH, I had no contact with him for a couple of months and after that only what minimal contact was necessary to deal with the upcoming divorce and sale of the house. Since I left 9 months ago, I have seen him 2 times. The first was a couple of months after I left and he was begging me to return. That is when I told him I saw no future for us and that I wanted a divorce. The second was when I finally talked him into selling the house.

For me no contact was absolutely necessary to avoid all the drama and anger and everything else he would have thrown at me. It would not have changed my mind on anything and would not have benefitted either of us. Keeping the contact now to emails as necessary keeps things from getting personal and allows us both to keep everything businesslike. I prefer it this way. I have moved on emotionally. I do not love the man. I don't particulary like the man he is now, even with the alcoholism out of the equation.

[Mair]

Hi Ang, i decided that no contact was the only way for me. It's hard to do isnt it!! I found that after a few weeks, the urges to call him would decrease, eventually thoughts of him would become less painful, i still think of him now and then but with some compassion not anger.

If i was an alcoholic looking for recovery i would have to practice the same thing, i would have no contact with alcohol. I am codependant so i have to practice no contact with the alcoholic.

I have been alcoholic free for 4 months now.

Mair

[lexusgirl]

Originally Posted by peaceteach

she is just too arrogant and full of her own "theories" for anyone to reach her. .

I can so relate to this...totally fits xabf to a tee. I couldn't really put it into words what I was feeling about his behavior. Thanks for this tidbit, peaceteach

[AWEDA]

It was the only way I could truly detach.
No contact was best for me.