Detaching

[Dazimae]

Lorelai,
Thank you for that,And trust me I try but when you have 4 children and he leaves beer cans all over the house, they are laying outside where people can see. and my kids friends see this. IT is making us all look bad. I can not keep up with cleaning them up nor do I think I should have to.
I do not fight anymore,scream, cry or beg I do get very quite because I just do not want to be around him.Guess I just have alot to learn.

[amarie]

Dazimae, I'm just learning about detachment, too. It's very hard to "overlook" the AH's behavior, but I am trying. If I come home from work and he's drunk, I don't say anything to him. I'll just go in another room. When we get up in the morning, I don't say anything about the night before. I just go about my business. I make plans to go places with my friends and do what I want to do. If he chooses to go with us, he has to remain sober. Sunday I am going on a bus trip to the casino. I gave him the option to go, but he knows "NO Drinking!". If he chooses to drink, he will stay home and I'll go without him. I'm not letting his drinking interfere with my life. We have alot of fun when he's sober and I think it's starting to bother him that I go places without him. Maybe he'll feel left out to the point where he will drink less and less so he can go places too. I'll let you know if it works. Take Care

[Gabe]

Lizzy posted something wonderful on Naranon today that is a great example of how detachment works when you are still living with them.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=28332

[FED-UP]

Here Goes Everthin'...relieved To Have Stumbled Onto This Web Site. I've Never Spoken To Anyone Regarding B/f's [really He's Like A Bad Boarder] Alcoholisim In 9...[yes Thats Correct] Years. I Have Been Glued To The Computer, Which I Never Use So You Can Imagine How Long Its Taken Me To Figure Out How To Get Just This Far???for 2 Days Reading...my Tale Is Like Everyone Elses, Just The Names And Places Are Different. Not Ready To Go Into Details To Overwhelmed With Emotions.for The First Time I Can Be Open And Honest About My "real Life" If I Choose And Not Be Afraid. Questions/opinions...this Detachment Thing, I Understand Why It Can Be Used But Why Would I Want To? Isn't It Another Way For Me To Be In Denial? Why Would I Pretend I'm Not Upset About Things? Like Life Is Normal? Is It A Transition Thing, Will I Finally Wake Up One Day And Just Be So Detached I Can Finally Kick His A$$ Out And Not Feel Guilty, Resposible, Blah Blah Blah??

[Gabe]

Hey FedUp,
This recovery thing can be very overwhelming when you first read about it. There is a program saying that goes "take what you like and leave the rest".
Listen, read, learn and figure out what path is right for you.
I'm glad you're here. Stick around.
Peace,
Gabe

[FED-UP]

thanks for listening and the advice gabe...reaching out, a cry for help, its all so new and im so glad i found all of you...i will do as you say...i have really taken my first step and never thought i could thank you

[paintbox]

Hi KKSMOM... I just read your response. It's not just you, at all. I have been asking myself exactly this, over and over. As I write, my heart of hearts is saying my difficulty is my use of the word HOW to detach and still have my desire and my truth of a true and fulfilling marriage. Perhaps the true question is IF I desire to include detachment of this kind to be part of my life and part of my marriage, as surely it will always be, because finding myself being married to an alcoholic requires it....... Wonder what my heart of heart will answer to the question asked this way...

[paintbox]

I am so grateful for this web site and each of you. Just reading each thought posted here helps and soothes so much. Thank you.

[lilly54]

Thank You... thank you...thank you

[Peaches04]

I think where I struggle(d) with detachment was in terms of I was not detaching for him, but detaching for me! I think that is where all the concern from "then he'll think it's okay"..we feel like we they HAVE to understand it is bothering us or hurting us, or they will go on in 'happy' land like everything is fine. That was the hardest thing to get through my thick head! I was not detaching to let him think everything was A-OK, I need to detach SO THAT I WOULD BE A-OK...he could think whatever he wanted to think. When I 'got it', the most amazing things began to happen...no more yelling, screaming, fighting...I was at peace. And consequently, I think it wasn't that fun picking a fight with someone who would just say "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off or who would just return a blank stare... When that happens, who is left for the A to take their anger out on or reflect on...THEMSELVES. So, really it is a win-win situation. The absolute hardest concept for me to overcome was the idea that was implanted in my head that By gosh...I had to make him understand I was mad, it wasn't okay, it HAD to change.... Then I painfully realized it wasn't working!!! What I was doing didn't work! so, I had faith in all these wise people, and thought - okay, I'll just TRY it their way...what do I have to lose. and by gosh - I saw almost immediate results. It isn't easy de-programming old thought processes and doing something that absolutely goes against your judgement.. but, the results are incredible!

[Rainy]

hi all--its been a while since i posted--I had some notifiers that this thread i started sooo long ago was still circulating and it got me thinking about DETACHMENT --what does it really mean? I think its different for each of us. For me it has become simplified: my H has 18 months sobriety today (wow!) and as awesome as that is he still has those addict mood swings and is sometimes very nasty. probably always will have these episodes. DETACHMENT for me is I dont have to get "involved" with that side of him. I dont react, I dont nag, I go on with my life and let him know i love him. If he says something mean to me i tell him i dont tolerate that anymore and i leave. i dont "fix" his mistakes, i dont walk on egg shells around him. Granted, his mood swings are few and far between now but they happen. I dont believe that anyone who is married to an addict (sober or not) will ever have a "normal" life. I love my H very much and for me it is worth the times when I feel I need to detach--and I know I am here b/c I want to be here. I am grateful for my experience b/c of the healing process I have gone through and I LIKE me!! Detachment for me also meant letting go--of all HIS stuff and minding my own business--once I really learned what my innermost motives were and was honest with myself it really was easy. It doesnt mean i dont care or allow him to treat me less than i deserve--it simply means i recognize he will always have this disability and i cant fix it so i will leave it alone.
((hugs to all))
rainy

[Magichappens]

Hey rainy,
Good to see you. Glad you are doing well. It is good to hear people who are successfully dealing with things. Keep in touch. Hugs, Magic

[smoke gets in my eyes]

((( Rainy! )))

[Daffodil]

Rainy,

Gaint Hugs coming your way. I too am glad to hear from you.

[delabarreda74]

thank you so much, i am so confused, i removed my AH from my house 10/01/04, and haven't heard from him, i just signed the annulment papers, we've only been married 9 months, i sent the papers with his friend, and he signed them, he wont look at me, talk to me, or see, me...and this is alright, the pain i feel is like a death. the death of us, what we were. but i could not breathe....to all people he is the most loving man in the world, and yes he can be, but i was his wife....so he is in the dark, and i move to thailand in two weeks...i am lost,...and yes, i have let go and let god, i never call him, or try to find where he is,...i figure, deep down, he knows...that i am better without him, he always said it was a matter of time before i let him go...and that is his pattern.

thank you.

[dava13]

delabarreda74,

Although you are struggling with the impact of your decision, you have obviously done the right thing for yourself. This is your time to heal...and you will.

[Hobbit]

thank you for writing your comments. I too am struggling with the issues you cited and feel compelled to try and reach him before his child leaves for college in the fall. My AH had been in recovery and has been in relapse for over a year after seven years of dry AH (I learned that on this site!)

This detachment comment group is one I need to study every day!

[Fee]

This is my first day here but I have to admit this thread struck a chord ...BIG TIME... Thanks

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by Fee

This is my first day here but I have to admit this thread struck a chord ...BIG TIME... Thanks

Hello Fee, and welcome to SoberRecovery. If you'd like to, you can start a new thread to introduce yourself. That way everybody can meet you, say hello, and welcome you.

Glad you decided to join us.

Mike

[jen in me]

Well, I just got out of bed and came down here...couldn't sleep. I had just tried to make my husband understand that I was angry - he just couldn't stay out all night - it's not okay...and all that stuff.
I thought to myself, "What are all those soberrecovery.com people even talking about anyway?! How am I not supposed to FEEL this anger?" When I try to tell him that stuff, he plugs his ears and sings real loud...
lemme tell ya - not helpin' me in the anger dept. when he does that.

So - then I read that detachment is not for him but for me. It doesn't mean that he "gets to" go on being happy and I have to hold my feelings in. And that is how I was feeling. I was really struggling and just SO angry that he could come home the next day...not say anything about staying out, and expect me to be fine with that. My attitude was getting worse by the minute.

I did take the kids to the fair today and I also climbed to the top of this huge rock climbing wall! It was so cool because I'm scared of heights and I did it. We were having such a good day. There were a few incidents with my second child being rebellious but that ended up okay also. Just makes me sad because I think it's a result of our family life.

So then my husband calls me to pick him up. Gotta load the kids at 9:30pm to do that and he looks stoned when I get there and I'm just fuming.

All I can think to myself is that I can't just get away from him. There's no easy solution.

And the other thing I realized is that I do take his drinking personally. Like if he really loved me, he would not do these things! So those are the two things I need to work on but, man, it is going to be so hard.

Thanks again because I have stopped crying now and I think I'll be able to go upstairs and actually fall asleep.

And I won't beat myself up for telling him how mad I am 'cause "so what!" So I screwed up...gotta start somewhere and it's not about doing everything right so I can get some sort of result out of him. It's about healing and really seeing things for what they are.

By the way...if all goes as planned, my first Al-Anon meeting is Monday at noon.

[jen in me]

I was not detaching to let him think everything was A-OK, I need to detach SO THAT I WOULD BE A-OK...he could think whatever he wanted to think. When I 'got it', the most amazing things began to happen...no more yelling, screaming, fighting...I was at peace.

The absolute hardest concept for me to overcome was the idea that was implanted in my head that By gosh...I had to make him understand I was mad, it wasn't okay, it HAD to change....

Just adding two of the quotes that really helped me because they are worded better than what I said.
Now - to truly do this - with no ulterior, controlling motives...that's the challenge! But I'm getting there.

Oh and a huge thing...it is hard for me to look at his alcoholism as a disease or an illness. I really do take it personally. I don't understand it at all so that really gets in my way. So if I can get myself to accept that I think it will really help.

[minnie]

Aww, I feel sad when I read these posts from the basement and see old buddies names on here. I just hope they are not around here anymore because they're living a good life now.

Jen - you're showing great growth in your last 2 posts. Feel free to start a new thread - I know you'll get tons of input on this topic. You too, Fee. And welcome. The people here are just wonderful.

[Tallgrl230]

This is my first day on this board, too, and I'm so grateful that you all share your experiences! You mean I'm not the only one living on an emotional roller coaster??

Here is my dilemma and I'd love to hear your insights!
I'm really surprised, but no one so far has mentioned physical intimacy (yes, sex) and the lack there of. My AH has been in recovery a week now and for some reason I thought he'd FINALLY want to have sex or even just hold my hand! Instead, he is still mean frequently and still blames me for many of our problems. Tonight he gave me a list of what character flaws I need to change before he can show he loves me. As always, he emotionally blackmails me to get me under his control. He gets even meaner when he succeeds to break me, so I've learned to act unphased even if I want to cry.

Anyway, I can detach at will...but I have 2 problems there.
1. I go to extremes. I either want a loving relationship with kindness and physical contact (even just hugging or holding my hand!) -OR- I want to pull away completely and X him out of my life. His inconsistency freaks me out and leaves me feeling unsafe emotionally because he'll become verbally abusive quickly even now that he's sober.

2. How do you detach and still love someone who is denying you physical intimacy?? I can ignore his verbal abuse and walk away easily...BUT I can't get past his power to deny my needs for intimacy. He knows it breaks my heart that he won't hug me or have sex with me and it's not like I can just go to someone else for that emotional bond. How do you find happiness when you can't get these needs met? I can't imagine learning to live without this intimate contact (and I don't want to!).
Thanks! Heidi

[Nuudawn]

This is an awesome thread. I'm in an alcoholic closing in on 2 months sobriety but I too struggle with codependency. My exAbf consumes my mind more than alcohol these days. What I have been looking at in the process of detachment is exactly why I attached myself to someone so intensely. My ex is alcoholic and an addict with much more troubling issues of childhood than I ever endured. If possible, I know he is actually more broken. We had a very tumultuous relationship...as two broken people will. For most of it, I was either confused or hurt and angry. We hurt each other mostly. We both shared same demons. Nevertheless I attached like a barnacle to a ship..more so than he I think...is that because he was more emotionally abusive to me than I was to him? I shared some very wonderful moments with the man..but in general, the relationship was hard, confusing and painful... but after we parted I still wanted it back. I'm in recovery and he is still drinking. I only want him back if he too wants recovery. He does not.

I have often attached myself to painful relationships that I don't want to leave...that is extremely problematic. Alcoholics will always be dishonest while drinking, we are emotionally crippled and will act/react out of fear 90% of the time. Acting out of fear and pain is always painful to the recipient.

Why do we attach ourselves to pain and hurt and confusion. We do we want to be with people so unwell. There is a whole world out there...and relationships that are loving rather than painful and confusing...why do we not want to hold out for that? Self esteem has a heck of a lot to do with it...as does fear.

[denny57]

Welcome, tallgirl, glad you're here

Actually, I think there was a thread started a day or so ago about the lack of interest in sex by a recovery alcoholic.

This thread was started in 2003 - goes to show just how universal our experiences are.