Just now realizing parents were alcoholic; confused; now what?

[bragi]

Hi everyone,

Tonight I've been reading Janet Woititz's Adult Children of Alcoholics, and while some things hit home, others don't because my experiences differ from her examples. So I'm a little confused.

For example, I'm just now (I'm 27 years old), in the past couple years, realizing that my mother (and possibly my father as well) was and is an alcoholic, for most of my life. But I didn't realize it. All I knew was that she was "different at night"; she drank at night and became a different person, and to this day I won't interact with her at night because I don't feel like I'm interacting with a real person that will fully remember anything the next day.

Anyway, my mom would flip out and guilt us and act like we were a ****** family and were terrible to her -- and blame my dad for a lot of things, and fight with him a lot.

But many/most/all of the stories on the ACoA book involve kids who realized their parents were drinking, and wouldn't want people to come home and whatnot.

Also I feel my story is unique in that it was mostly my mom (though my dad drank and was absent and made promises he didn't keep and wasn't involved in my life), and it was mostly emotional abuse.

So I'm wondering if anyone can contribute anything, or relate to this story, or direct me to some resources -- or clear me up on this issue! I'm sure there are things I'm not seeing.

Thanks so much!

[geees poncho]

I don't thnk I've seen you here before, Welcome.

what made you decide to read the book.
Janets book is a good one, and points out a lot
to comprehend.
there are groups in most major cities that all they address
is ACOA, and maybe a CD counselor would be able to help
you sort out your issues.

Good Luck. And keep posting

[Bernadette]

Hiya bragi!!
You've found a good place to get info/insight/advice here at SR!!

I guess that since you are realizing now that your Mom was/is an alcoholic - maybe that is unique - but I think what you will find as you read more about alcoholic families is that you have a lot in common with other children of A's. Alcoholism is the disease of denial and it sounds like your folks were really GOOD at refining that aspect of the disease.

You said you always knew/still know your mom is "different" at night. She is unreliable, she rages? So you actually knew something was "off" or wrong, but you were a kid for most of those years and you didn't attach the name alcoholism to it. Maybe you didn't want to know...maybe the dynamic in your family made it unacceptable for you to even THINK that was the truth.

Regardless, you are out of denial now!! You are hopefully getting in touch with reality - a good place to be that alcoholic parents can really skew for their children.

Keep reading - the more you learn the more you will be able to unravel what was really going on for you back then...and now. Sounds like your mom is still actively drinking - unfortunately alcoholism is a progressive disease and tends to worsen over time.

I'm sure you're going through a painful time with this. It must be a bit of a shock. Keep posting- keep reading - there are many here with lots of experience in every aspect of alcoholism/addiction and loved ones.
Peace,
B.

[underwood]

Originally Posted by bragi

But many/most/all of the stories on the ACoA book involve kids who realized their parents were drinking, and wouldn't want people to come home and whatnot.
Also I feel my story is unique in that it was mostly my mom (though my dad drank and was absent and made promises he didn't keep and wasn't involved in my life), and it was mostly emotional abuse.

This subject is a difficult one for me in that I see my own children reflected in the first part of the quote. My children were/are deeply embarrassed by their AF and cringe if he is present around their friends....I on the other hand have been guilty of pretending and smoothing things over like this was not really happening which made me resentful and angry at everyone and anyone that was present. That was before I recognized and admitted that I was enabling from my weak actions and not owning what was really taking place and protecting my children. I hope that one day I will be able to verbalize how sorry I am for the coverup and the pain that I inflicted just by ignoring their pain. Your words indicate that there was alcohol abuse that caused you pain and confusion. Hope this helps.

[AbsentFriend]

Don't discount your own experience, bragi. I felt that way, too - "I didn't have it that bad, sure I felt nonexistent and worthless, but my feelings don't prove anything."

I heard a fellow ACA-er say once, "I've probably experienced every kind of abuse from one family member or another. And I can say that the emotional and spiritual abuse are just as bad."

[bragi]

All,

Thank you so so much for your responses. It makes me so happy to think of you all out there, being there to help people like me (us!).

I have to go to bed now, so I'll read these over tomorrow and reply.

[NYC_Chick]

Hi Bragi!

My father is an alcoholic. He also becomes a different person at night. I learned a few years ago not to call pst 6pm on weeknights and 2pm on weekends because he his drunk and slurring after those hours.

My friends have met my dad, but I am always honest with them about his drinking before they meet him to stave off embarrassment. I care much less now because it is his disease and I can't control him.

Your feelings are 100% valid so done feel bad about anything you are feeling.

[bragi]

Bernadette,

Thank you so much for your inspiring words. I think I will stick around ;-)

And you're absolutely right: There was a lot of denial. Nobody ever mentioned what happened, or apologized for their behavior. At first it was confusing, but then you just knew it was going to happen, and everyone accepted that mom was a tyrant -- somehow.

[bragi]

AbsentFriend,

Don't discount your own experience, bragi. I felt that way, too - "I didn't have it that bad, sure I felt nonexistent and worthless, but my feelings don't prove anything."

I totally relate to that sentiment. Thinking about it now, my mom basically did whatever she wanted, and nothing anyone else felt or wanted mattered.

This was confusingly covered up by her being very overbearing and overprotective, and thinking she knows better than you and second-guessing your decisions (she still does this now) -- so, as she goes to great lengths to verbalize, she is trying to be a good mother but she's failing and is "a loser" (she loves to trot that out). So that's what's confusing: It doesn't seem like she's absent, and I'm just coming to terms with the fact that she was.

If anyone can turn what I've just said into wisdom about how she wasn't present, and how that affected me, please do! Thanks

[bragi]

Regarding the "different at night thing": My sister hasn't started accepting that my mom is an alcoholic, but even she knows: If mom calls and it's after 6:00pm, don't even bother answering the phone. It's just going to be her waiting for you to say something that she can get mad about, and then yelling at you and hanging up on you. The same old traumatic experience that she hopes will inspire guilt.

[bragi]

Originally Posted by NYC_Chick

Hi Bragi!

My father is an alcoholic. He also becomes a different person at night. I learned a few years ago not to call pst 6pm on weeknights and 2pm on weekends because he his drunk and slurring after those hours.

My friends have met my dad, but I am always honest with them about his drinking before they meet him to stave off embarrassment. I care much less now because it is his disease and I can't control him.

Your feelings are 100% valid so done feel bad about anything you are feeling.

NYC_Chick,

Your post made me laugh a little because I wrote essentially the same thing you said in the first paragraph a second ago in another post.

Since I didn't really realize about the drinking until the past couple years, I've only been worried about the embarrassment things recently. Since I have, every time I bring a girlfriend to meet her at her house (on the rare occasion I let that happen; usually I try to do it at a restaurant where she can't drink so much), I get really nervous and am not myself. My mom is invariably drinking, and behaving differently. At least once I called off a trip to the theatre with her and my sister and girlfriend over stuff that she did. She seemed genuinely confused by my action, which really shocks me. How can she not know?

[mallowcup]

Start by taking a deep breath and realizing you are a normal functioning adult. Though you couldn't name it, you survived it. Maybe instead of reading a book about it, you should consider writing a book about it. As you were a child then, there are many children now who could use your insights. Little did you know you then, what you know now. Maybe some of it makes more sense.

[bragi]

Originally Posted by mallowcup

Start by taking a deep breath and realizing you are a normal functioning adult. Though you couldn't name it, you survived it. Maybe instead of reading a book about it, you should consider writing a book about it. As you were a child then, there are many children now who could use your insights. Little did you know you then, what you know now. Maybe some of it makes more sense.

Humm.. That's not a bad idea; I could totally write a blog post about this.