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Old 06-29-2003, 12:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy breaking up with the alcoholic

I cant take anymore of this crap. He has not paid any attention to me in the past week and he knows this. we went out last night and he just went over board with his drinking. everybody is about to leave and there am taking the last beer from him. i saw him slip the beer into one of his pockets and i am searching him like a copi...has the beer in his back pocket...i am not gonna have any alcohol in the car. he wanted to go to his friends house the one i HATE. the one who accuses me of his drinking. ok im just mad now. i told him i wanted to go home. its late. he said well his brother can drive him home ..yeah rite. and he will prolly miss work. what i should have meant to tell him was that i want to go to his house and he come along. But i just didnt say that i was just too pissed. i read another post that said ...let them deal with it. true. thank god i didnt have to deal with him last night...cuz i know he drank some more. I guess he was soo shocked that i just left him at his friends house. He got his words all mixed together and before he could say anything. i told him dont call dont do nothing, good bye. he said bye and slammed the door. Well i will prolly see him again tonight and he wont be drinking. he doesnt drink on sundays says its gods day. i cant figure that ...its gods day everyday. Im thinking about just telling him that we need to spend some time apart. i am starting to hate you. We dont have anything in common as i realize. i am just too quite and i stay to my self. i had my fun (partying) and i suffered big time for it.( maybe will talk about that issue later. ) I am just not like that anymore. i am really just too old for it. i dont dance and he loves to. he grips alot about that...dont know why ..dancing shouldnt be the one priority in our life. well at least to fight about. i am just the type to stay home and relax, i feel safer there. there is just too much difference in us. With the drinking or no drinking i dont deserve for him to ignore me this way..to treat me like im not there sometimes.
well thanks everyone for listening.
i am glad that i can just write down my thoughts it helps alot.
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Old 06-29-2003, 01:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Rosemary.

This relationship doesn't sound like a lot of fun, even if you leave the booze out of the equation. Have you thought about making a little list for yourself... reasons to stay, reasons to flee? You're the only one who can know if what you get from the relationship is worth what it costs you, or what compromises you are comfortable making. It sounds like maybe the costs are too high for you. That's okay. You don't owe this man or anyone your happiness and serenity. You don't have to stay and take care of him. That's not working out anyway, is it?

Figure out what will make YOU happiest and go for it. We're right behind you.

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 06-29-2003, 03:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I agree with Smoke

This relationship doesn't sound fun with or without the drinking. And I like Smoke's idea about making a list. Write down all the pros and cons and see what you come up with. Just make sure that your choices revolve around what makes you happy.
Good luck.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 06-29-2003, 06:04 PM   #4 (permalink)
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i've experienced some of what you've decribed

I'm glad you are able to tell us about it. Just talking about it here helps you feel better, doesn't it? I always think so.
I always preferred staying home while my AH loved going out. Later I realized I do like going out, but it was the places he chose and the people he chose I didn't really like. And feeling responsible for his behavior. I preferred staying home because going out with my guy always made me feel lousy. He always seemed to be having a blast and I just wanted his attention. I would go because it was the only way to be with him, and I would be more miserable at home alone without him. Then I'd be angry anyway because he wasn't paying attention to me even if I were there. I'd ruin it for both of us.
It's important to think about what you like, and what makes you happy. I have to admit I lost sight of that while I was so busy trying to gain control of my AH. This group helped me to stop obsessing over his actions, feelings and expectations and start thinking about what I want my life to be like.
The biggest hurdle for me was truly accepting that I cannot change him. I really just fooled myself on that one for a long time.
That list is a great idea. I should have done that. Maybe I will.
I am glad you are here and hope this program helps you as it has helped me.
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Old 06-29-2003, 06:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
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((((((rosemary)))))

I had a relationship just the same. It was my first husband. We partied and had lots of fun together before we had our 2 children. When they came along I out gre the partying stage and wanted to be at home with them. He always wanted a babysitter and I didn't so he left me home most of the time. He drank among other things and I out grew him. I grew up and he never did. That lasted about 7 years and then I decided I couldn't take it anymore so I left. The decision is yours to make. It sounds like you are miserable.

Thinking of you tonight,
2many2count
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Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance....DANCE.
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Old 06-29-2003, 09:55 PM   #6 (permalink)
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thanks eveyone for the replies ....i guess i am miserable..i dropped by his house and grabbed a few things i needed..he thought i was gonna stay there. i told him i takin off. he asked if he could call me later. i said no. I am just still so mad that i havent collected my thoughts yet to even speak to him.

i was looking kind of horrible at work..the way you look from crying all night. My assistant manager asked what was wrong and i said had a long night with the drunk again..she said stay away from them ...they drive you crazy. I guess she has been there too. it had me thinking for awhile.
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Old 06-29-2003, 10:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I couldn't agree more

Rosemary,
Yes I have to agree with everyone. You need to do what makes you happy and stop kidding yourself. You are a person who has alot to give and when we feel taken advantaged of or ingnored by the person who is supposed to love us, then we need to take a step back.
I strongly agree with everyone that a list of pros and cons are needed. When you see it on paper they have an even more profound meaning. Don't get me wrong, no one is perfect, but this list open up your eyes to your situation and give you some insight on what your expactatons are. Not only of your partner but of yourself. My prayers are with you and I hope you keep posting. This is a great way of getting good input from people who really care,
LOTS & LOTS OF HUGS!!!
maryl
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Old 06-30-2003, 07:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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run for the hills!

Rosemary,

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Listing the pros and cons is a great idea. Based on my experiences, if you were my daughter, I guess I'd have to tell you to run for the hills.

I know we're not supposed to give advise here, but reading your post brought back painful memories for me during my early years with my AH. The early times, partying with friends, tec, was fun in the beginning. Then I began to outgrow the need/desire to spend my time drinking, and he didn't. I couldn't keep up with him and I just wanted to stay home and do regular things, not involving alcohol. I became a co-dependent early in our relationsip. I feared his actions if I chose to stay home and he went out. Some nights, he didn't come home...I had no idea where he was, and was afraid to find out. I would force myself to go with him just so I could control his behaviors.

I lost my identity and now, 20+ years later, I'm working very hard to regain it back...find out who I am and what kind of eggs I like! (The egg scene in the movie Runaway Bride!)

Get some space, take some time, spend time with "healthy" family and friends. Become your own person.....your on the right track, Rosemary.....keep it up!

S
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Old 07-01-2003, 05:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
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hey everyone,

well im working on the list...and im leaning towards working things out....im calmed down enuf to were i can talk to him about the way he has been treating me.

My mom said i shuld just give him an ultamatum, either stop drinking or im gone. Now i dont expect him too completely stop, or should i . Maybe he should get into rehab because one meeting is not enuf for him. Seriously, going to these meetings makes him feel like drinking more. I dont even know why he drinks? what are the reasons why people cant control their drinking? Depression? i dont believe he is depressed. Heredity, his parents dont drink. anyways i dont believe it can be heredity, more like if a son watches his father drink everyday, then yes his son will possibly drink everyday. is it something that they think is ok and nothing wrong with it. He does tell me he does have a problem. any comments?

buh bye
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Old 07-01-2003, 07:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Rosemary

Please put the focus back on you.

You're all about him right now. What he's doing, what he's thinking, why he's messed up.

Do you see it? What's up wth Rosemary? What do you want, where are you going in your life?

These are the questions you can answer.

The other questions (about him and his life), are just a way of not looking at your own reality. You can't answer them, you can't solve them, they are just an illusion.

It's not about him , anymore. It's about you and your life.

Now -- Go get one! Ruby
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Old 07-01-2003, 11:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it!

Rosemary,
Unfortunately hon, we can't MAKE them stop drinking if they are not ready. Rescentment will build and add more complicated dynamics to an alreadt compliacted situation.
I must agree with Ruby that you need to worry about the only person you CAN control and that is YOU!. Regardless of how stressed out you get about the situation he is the one who will ultimately make the decision. I can understand totally, my AH just told me he wasn't ready to stop but is willing to make an active effort to cut down on his intake. Have I heard this before? Yes. Has he made good on his promises? For a little while. I pray that our last big bout and "talk" is different than before but only time will tell.
I feel like I am rambeling. I guess I just wanted to convey to you that my heart goes out to you. Spend more time thinking about you for a change. It feels weird at first but then you get a new sence of yourself and it makes you that much stronger if there are rougher waters ahead.

Lots of hugs sent your way,

maryl
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Old 07-31-2003, 07:10 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks for all who gave her their thoughts and feelings on this subject! Since I am going through something very similiar, her words have an extra special meaning to me.
I AM doing something about me, and what I want in life, though. I accepted a date this past Tuesday, from a very nice man. We went out to dinner, and had a very nice time. At least I am standing back, and looking at the very real possibilites of being without him. I just do not think any man is worth it, unless they stop drinking altogether, and STAY stopped!
Until he decides, I am going to still date others, regardless of how he may feel about it.
Good luck to you, Rosemary, sounds like you are leaning towards making up with him. Just be sure that is what you REALLY want in life.
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Old 03-01-2008, 03:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Leaving the drunk

I m in the process of moving out and leaving my drunk bf behind. I can't stop telling him how he messed this up and all the lies and cheating bc of drinking. 3 years later and I told him that I could not take anymore lies and then he lied about drinking and I found the hidden bottles. I am done, but I am not. I am the one crying and seems like I can not take this and he seems all fine, except for screaming at me how this is hard for him.

I will provide more details later, I am too worn out after being an emotional wreck. Why did I let him treat me like that and lie about drinking for 3 years?
FOr 3 years I never did what I wanted so I could stay home and see if and how much he drinks. HE is a very out of control person with booze. At times I would stay at a friend house and party so he could stay home alone and drink. Crazy!!!
Is anyone else going through something like this?
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