classic manipulation?

[really_fed_up]

Hi All,

Sorry I haven't been posting lately (very busy teaching), but a new situation has just arisen...

I haven't been in touch with Jane over the past couple of weeks because I've really just needed a break from her situation. She's written a few manipulating emails, but I've stood firm and not fallen for her hooks. Now she just called and left a message on my cell stating that "mom and dad want to come out to visit, but they aren't going to unless this 'awkwardness between us is resolved'". I feel like this is just classic manipulation tactics--on both Jane's and my parents' parts. It is also mystifying to me because I've been in touch with my parents lately and they haven't mentioned anything about coming out to visit to me--I wonder if Jane just made it up as a way to get to talking. To me she sounded out of it on the phone last night, like she might have been drinking.
so...advice needed. I resent her and my parents for forcing us to "patch things up", when in my opinion, I am asserting my basic rights by choosing not to get involved with her issues, and it's not my fault if she can't handle that...so maybe I've just answered my own question?

[Bernadette]

Heya RFedUp--
Wow I can so relate to your post.
One of the most frustrating things for me in dealing with my A brothers is just not knowing how to respond to anything naturally!!

I always have to step back and weigh it and see if there is some manipulation going on or ulterior motive. And when they drag my mom into it OH MY GOD it can just get cuckoo.

I wish I had some advice.
You seem pretty good about sticking to your boundaries and if you're just not at a place yet where you wanna hang out with mom dad and sis - well then you're just not at that place and so you don't have to.

But then it's always like, well how do I tell them that without starting a fight or getting mean and nasty?!!! I just wish I could remain calm cool and collected in those conversations! But I'm a bit of a spaz.

I always read your posts with great interest since I am also coping with sibling alcoholism (3 brothers). I really have admired your honesty and your boundary setting and I know how hard this must be for you!

Peace,
B.

[lexusgirl]

Hi RFU,
Maybe you have answered your own questions. Sounds like she is lying or making up things to get to you. She's probably still angry as you are keeping your boundaries with her. A's like to argue and fight. They want to see you join in on the crazy making crap right along with them.

The choice is yours and it sounds like you are handling this well!

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by really_fed_up

I resent her and my parents for forcing us to "patch things up", when in my opinion, I am asserting my basic rights by choosing not to get involved with her issues, and it's not my fault if she can't handle that...so maybe I've just answered my own question?

Yup, sure reads like you did. {hugs}

Remember you can only be brought back into the madness if you allow yourself to be.

[mushroom]

Yes, you did just answer your own question.

My mother used to do the same kind of thing. Any time she opened her mouth, actually. Pure manipulation, everything she said to me. It's possible your parents said nothing at all about coming out to visit, let alone that it was contingent on your patching things up. It could be pure fiction on Jane's part. If they want to visit, I assume they know where to find you!

I remember once a couple months after my mother's father died, she tried to tell me that he hadn't liked some trait of mine and that he'd 'always worried about me' because of it. Hello!!! he did not spend enough time around us for him to have even been aware of anything like that! I was saddened by his death, and of course he was no longer available to verify what she'd said about him, so I guess she thought it would work on me. I was just a young teen at the time, but old enough to see how convenient the situation was for her to try to manipulate me, and the unlikelihood that it was the truth.

Stand strong! Your parents are adults and they can make their own choices!

[really_fed_up]

Thanks, all...Yes, I wonder if Jane just made it up! My parents haven't mentioned anything about visiting to me. Hmmm.....also I tried Jane's cell and she currently doesn't have any minutes, so-UHH--how am I supposed to get in touch with her anyway?!