Advice on self destructive and depressed recovering alcoholic father

[Cyathea]

Long story!!

OK the short version. My father stopped drinking over 10 years ago, and I have not had very much contact with him as his wife (my stepmum) is very controlling. Anyway, we maintained an amiable relationship through phone contact, we are genuinely very fond of eachother.

Anyway, I started becoming more and more worried about him, his wife is really strange, they were in a bad situation with very little money, he was feeling suicidal on and off.

So I offered a place for him to stay, as he wanted out of the relationship, so he came to stay, on the understanding he got work, and paid his way (he had been on unemployment) So, he stayed with us over a year, made lots of well, probably not very hard attempts to get work, and then we told him he had x amount of time to get a job, or he had to leave. No job, so he leaves.

2 weeks in, he rings and wants to come back, I say OK, on the understanding he gets a job! (am I stupid?) anyway, suddenly no contact, I believe he is now back with the wife again, this is hearsay only, but he is in a very impoverished situation with debt up to his eyeballs, no assets and is 62 years of age.

I am really struggling with keeping myself from rescuing him, I have so many emotions, if his wife kicks him out he has nowhere to go, he has burned his bridges with everyone.

Sometimes he scares me with saying he might just 'go bush' and not come back again, it's manipulation I know.

How do I stop feeling sick about it all?

Ahhhh....writing it all out has really helped, I can see so clearly my enabling and rescuing, I'm just scared he will end up living on the street...it really is that bad.

I know you have to let them hit rock bottom and all of that, but just how low do you let someone go before you throw the life preserver? I know I'm totally the wrong person to reach out to him, as I am too close to the situation.

I feel a lot of pressure, as I am his only family (along with my two sons)

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

[denny57]

Originally Posted by Cyathea

How do I stop feeling sick about it all?

Welcome, Cyathea, glad you're here!

What worked for me was getting educated on addiction. I had no idea! Also, Al Anon, therapy, doctor's visits, SR, etc.

It is very hard to watch someone go down this path. I am no good to anyone, including myself, if I follow them down that path. I believe there is a way to offer support and love yet not get sucked into the sickness.

Please keep posting!

[Spiritual Seeker]

You'll never worry yourself out of a problem. When you go to worry, try deep breathing until the thoughts pass.
It sounds like besides him not working, that it wasn't pleasant with him in your home.
If that is the case, that is important.
Can't he begin collecting soc. sec. at his age?
May you find some peace.

[Cyathea]

Thanks.

He couldn't collect while he lived with us, as we live in another country, but he is now back in his home country, and can collect. But it is living pretty much on the breadline. Anyway, I guess I am worrying about something before it has happened, I am hurt by his lack of communication, last i heard, he was going to be on a plane back to us in the next couple of days, then no word in over a week. I feel used, but also very concerned. I guess I am afraid for him, but I also know I have to let go and trust, and let him contact me.

Anyway, I wish it had all worked out differently, I wish he had found work and gathered a nest egg to pay off his debts and destress his life, but it didn't happen, so I need to let it go.

Thanks for listening

I learned a bit about addiction when I was 18 and went to a residential rehab as an ACOA, it helped me immensely, which is why I thought I had left it all in the past, and gotten through it all. Amazing how they can still push all those buttons even years and years later.

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by Cyathea

ThanksAnyway, I wish it had all worked out differently, I wish he had found work and gathered a nest egg to pay off his debts and destress his life, but it didn't happen, so I need to let it go.

Just keep telling yourself this. You know the answers already.

It is very hard to watch someone head down the path to self destruction. I am doing the same thing with my AH. He may end on the streets if our house does not sell quickly. But if that happens, it is a direct result of his choices. He needs real life consequences. Perhaps that will break thru AH's walls of denial. Perhaps not. But it is his life to live as he sees fit regardless of what I or anyone else thinks. Only he can save himself.

[Kindeyes]

Hey Cyathea and welcome!

It must be very difficult to watch your father struggle. He is only 62. That's still very young and he is still capable. He'll need to come to terms with what kind of professional assistance he needs.....that is......if HE wants it. You can make suggestions but you can't make him do anything if he chooses not to.

gentle hugs

[Cyathea]

Thanks for the feedback, and I do know the answers, I cannot tell you how lovely it is to simply be able to let it all out to people who GET IT.

[Cyathea]

My other issue is what to do if he contacts me again, asking to come back to live. Just tell him to sort his ife out, or help him out again? OK, maybe I don't know all the answers!

[Barbara52]

If it were me, the answer would be no, you cannot move back in with me. If necessary I would say its because it is not good for me or him. I would hand over a list of sober houses, etc that are in the area, perhaps offer to get him there. That would be it. He's an adult fully capable of taking care of himself. To enable him by giving him a place to live, by treating him as less than a capable adult is to subtly (or not so subtly) tell him is not really an adult.

[Cyathea]

Yep, you are so right (he's been sober 10 years) he can find a place to board if it comes to it.

It's so easy to slip into the 'parenting the parent' crap, isn't it? It's got to stop.