Dating...again

[Miss Pink]

Oh poop.

Thats the best I can say at the moment.

I want to date...am on match.com, went "hunting" for non drinking men there, found a guy whose profile was speckeled with spiritual sayings....seemed like a cool guy. We email, says he has read the 12 and 12 of AA etc.

I tell him I attend both fellowships, and isnt it neat we find each other as both recovering people....then he tells me he has 19 years sober, but has not attended AA for 12 years. Attended diligently for 7 years, then "Moved on".

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhh...RED FLAG ALERT!!

Dang,,,,and he was 6'3 tall!!

Sigh.....

[Rowan]

LOL I know what you mean, Miss Pink. I joined lavalife.com and had my own red flag experiences - but I lucked out. The ONE guy I decided was worth meeting in person - we celebrated 3 months yesterday. He's a drinker, but a normal one. He is very supportive and understanding about my recovery which is cool.
Let us know how you make out - happy hunting!

[CatsPajamas]

I've had more than my share of online dating disasters, and the more I talk to people, the more great material I gather!

My Al Anon angel sponsor used to tell me that I had one half of the velcro and As had the other half. I consider it my own personal GPS. If there is one out there, I'll find him. I'm drawn to them like a moth to a flame. I've worked for them, I've dated them, I've married them... I've struck up conversations on an airplane with them. I read and re-read my profile on match.com to see where it said "HEY A's - I'm here and I'm all ready to help you with your issues!"

Trust me, you're not alone. LOL

I have been dating Norm for over a year now, although it's been rocky. He drinks, but it appears to be socially only and he doesn't seem to have A traits... many of our problems come from my codependent nature.

Good luck - it's not easy putting yourself back out there to find a partner.

[NYC_Chick]

I'm not ready to start dating, but I'm already freaking out about all the unhealthy men I will meet. It doesn't seem to matter where you meet them either. I met my xabf on eHarmony. Every time the commercial comes on and that Neil Clark Warren starts saying..."Find the love..." I change the channel before he can even finish the sentence. LOL! I wonder in looking at all the happy couples how many of them are lying. They should do a commercial that says "We are not responsible for all the alcoholic liars on our site. Decide if that A is the love of your life at your own risk."

Oddly, I live in a huge city and I think online dating is a great place to go, but I wish they had a site for non-addicts and recovering codies. That would be heaven!

[LaTeeDa]

I, personally, would not find it a red flag if someone attended AA for 7 years and "moved on." Maybe he has found something that works better for him. I learn something every day from people who have different ways of doing things than I do. As long as their values are in line with mine, how they practice those values in their life can really give me another perspective on things. For me it would be similar to getting to know someone who practices a different religion. The guy I'm currently dating doesn't believe in "recovery" for codependence the same way I do. And I have learned much from his approach to the unhealthy traits he deals with in himself.

Then again, that's just me. Good luck finding what you are looking for.

L

[Miss Pink]

My experience with men who had long term sobriety in AA (7 years is long) and then left....is dry drunk disaster.

If I dont learn from past lessons, and repeat the same mistakes, I am insane. Not even going to dip my toe in the water.

I have neverm ever seen an AA leave the fellowship and live a sucessful, emoitonally and spirutally well life, and Ive been around long time.

If it works for him, great....but my belief system in that regard is sound enough for me.

[FormerDoormat]

It doesn't matter to me if someone claims to have "moved on" and no longer needs to attend AA. It's still a red flag to me. Though I've met many wonderful recovering addicts on SR, I do not want to enter into a relationship with one. I know how fragile Richard was as a recovering alcoholic and I know how fragile I am as a recovering co-dependent. The pull to return to old behaviors is never far from the surface. I have to work diligently to keep my shortcomings at bay in the same way I have to work diligently to keep from regaining the weight I've worked so hard to lose.

Recovered or not, I can't risk a failure on the part of my next partner. And, more than that, I can't risk a failure on my part. For me, personally, any addict--past or present--is waving a big red flag for ME. I agree with you, Miss Pink, I would have walked away from him, too.

[denny57]

I meet healthy and no so healthy men all the time. I wish Minnie were here to tell you the one who greets me nearly every day, carrying his big red flag with him LOL!!! I'd never get involved with him, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy our banter.

What I would worry more for myself is do I view every "date" as a potential long time relationship? I would not eliminate someone from my circle based on Ms. Pink's original description. Someone with 12 years of sobriety without AA is impressive. Yes, I know about relapse and I think it's important for each and every person to decide what they want in their life.

Like any relationship, I think time tells the story. Over time, I would learn more about this man, etc. No harm, no foul if I continued to date other men, too.

There are no guarantees in life and I risk failure every day. I don't know any other way that brings me as much joy.

[LaTeeDa]

I guess we each have our own hang-ups. For me it was anyone who listed his Harley as one of his main interests, lol. Not so much that I have something against bikers, just that I have absolutely zero desire to get on the back of one of those things.:rof

L

[Rowan]

LaTeeDa, I like what you said about the man you are with not believing in recovery from codependence the same way that you do - that has been my experience, also. I am heavily 'into' my own recovery, and my partner has zero experience in this field. As such, I find his own ways of dealing with undesirable traits and behaviour commendable. I have learned a lot from him just by being open-minded.

[frstnm]

Apparently, I cannot pick them either. I had met someone who is in the program over the summer and we had kept in touch. We sent email and finally got to a couple of phone calls. I had been sure to say that communication for me is absolutely key. This person had repeatedly not called when she said she absolutley would and I should have known if was not going well. We did finally talk several days in a row and we had already discussed getting together in the city. We seemed to have so much in common. The day before we were supposed to get together she sent an email saying she had been in bed all day w a sinus infection no call. (that she has had for 2 weeks- could have mentioned it ?????) Promises to call on saturday anyway whether she was feeling better or not. No call all weekend. I have reached the point of frustration with the lack of communication, being simply blown off. Im not perfect but I firmly believe that a phone call is not that hard to make and that I deserve better. I didnt have to drink over it but it sure crossed my mind. I have been really bummed out and isolating all weekend. I guess Im just not ready and this isnt one I want to deal with. It sucks being single.

[lexusgirl]

To me it seems that I have become very aware of people and their drinking habits. I think it has to do with me being a Codie and going through two failed relationships with two alcoholic men, that I have noticed there are quite a few people that have addiction issues out there. I have been in so many different social circles and yet I see a lot of people with drinking issues. A LOT!

I think since alcohol is so socially accetable that its not as easy to spot someone with a problem. I have had two bosses that were A's. Several friends, and aquanitences.

Sort of a scary thought if and when I decide to date again.

[FormerDoormat]

Like any relationship, I think time tells the story. Over time, I would learn more about this man

That may be true, but I find that if I spend enough time with any potential partner--healthy or otherwise--that I tend to become emotionally attached. And once that attachment is there, it's hard for me to think with my head once my heart takes over.

For me, it's best to avoid addicts of all kinds--recovered or not--because of my shortcomings, not theirs.

[really_fed_up]

I met my husband online...the first and only person I contacted after I ran a personal ad...we've been together for five years, married for 5 months...so IMO, you can meet someone worthy online! Don't let one bad experience deter you from trying again...but don't lower your standards and watch out for those red flags!

[DESIGNER]

I'm not ready to start dating, but I'm already freaking out about all the unhealthy men I will meet. It doesn't seem to matter where you meet them either. I met my xabf on eHarmony. Every time the commercial comes on and that Neil Clark Warren starts saying..."Find the love..." I change the channel before he can even finish the sentence.

NYC chick I think that you should eventually give eharmony a second chance. I mean the people on these sites are human beings so you are always going to come across issues but maybe next time you will know how to notice the red flags. I do believe that these sites work but just like dating you sometimes strike out.

[AliceinWndrland]

"There are no guarantees in life and I risk failure every day. I don't know any other way that brings me as much joy."

Denny - thanks, I love this line!! I like to keep a list of quotes that are inspirational, or helpful, just to go back to from time to time. This is definitely going on the list!

[Spiritual Seeker]

Sober 19 yrs. sounds optimistic.
There must be a lot more to know about this man. Maybe you are can talk a while longer and determine more. You've made a quick judgement or assumption here and may be missing an opportunity...or not.

[nowinsituation]

I am trying out a couple of on-line dating sites. It is kind of scary, but I think good for me at the same time. I am realizing how much a fear rejection. As I correspond with my "matches" it is becoming good practice for me to remember to BE MYSELF, and not try to be what I think other people want me to be. I am enjoying the opportunity of getting to know new people (from a safe distance, so far). I have been able to appreciate that someone made the effort to get to know me; and be happy that they made me laugh, smile, or think about the world in a different way.

[Miss Pink]

So listen to what my sponser says...............


"Dont Judge!"

says I should give the guy a chance.....if he has a spiritual basis and his actions match his words, give him a try. (Like playing a banjo before ya buy it?).

I dunno...I wrote him back an email just chit chatting, have not heard from him yet...After all, here on SR, in the alcoholism forum, they do suggest there are other programs people use to stay sober....(Holy God...I feel like Im minimizing....LOL) Maybe I need a new sponsor...one who agrees with me?? ya ya, thats the solution!

We will see. I know what red flags look like....and hey, if nothing else....maybe I'll get to have a one night stand! Whoopie!

[lexusgirl]

Miss Pink,
I think you should go with what you feel most comfortable with. In the end it's you thats got to date this guy.

Good luck!

[FormerDoormat]

Back in my younger days, I engaged in a couple of one night stands. In those days, I was willing to do anything to "make" someone like me, even sleep with a perfect stranger. I always felt like crap for months after.

These days, I'm older and wiser, and more than that, I know I deserve much more than this. I hope you were just kidding, Miss Pink. The last man I met on Match.com stopped calling me because we went on three dates and I failed to "deliver the goods." I should have seen the red flag when he asked me on our first date, "so typically how many dates do you need to go on before you decide to sleep with a man?"

I went out with one other man I met on Match.com. We went out for lunch and then he asked me out to lunch a few days later. He stood me up on the second date and then e-mailed me a week later with an explanation. I didn't bother to respond.

I tried Match.com for 6 months. I found that the men loved my photo, but most of them didn't bother to read my profile. I'm more than just a pretty face or a _ick depository.

[prodigal]

It's a great way for online dating services to make money. It is also a magnet for just about every type of addict/nut/dysfunctional on earth. Mind you, I could walk out my door and run into a virtual lunatic asylum. After all, I AM a codie!

I met a large number of men who had obvious drinking problems. Intimacy problems. Potty mouths. Suggestive sex talk. I was stood up. I was "stalked" on my cell phone and my e-mail. I heard men who were total strangers tell me some pretty ugly secrets. I had men "romancing the screen" by having a safe relationship with me via cyberspace. Then, THE DATE. Aaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh!

Online dating is a cr*p shoot. Pays your money and takes your chances.

[FormerDoormat]

I told my daughter that most of the men I met on Match.com were losers. She replied, "well, you're on there, so what does that say about you?" I love my girl, she keeps me grounded.

[Sweetiepie1]

Tend to agree with Prodigal, after a 5min conversation most of them think it's acceptable to ask what size bra you wear! Think I'm better off with my AB :-)