E-Mail from AH this morning - Knocked the Wind Out of My Sails

[SerenitySeaker]

A little over a week ago while my AH was out of town I packed up my life and left our home. Since the day he came home and found me gone I have had no contact with my husband. I have struggled with it but just prayed and asked for strength every time I felt compelled to pick up the phone.

Then this morning I get to work and open up my e-mail and bam there it is. A message from him. Completely unexpected. He started by asking how I was which is something he has never cared about before. He then went on to say how surprised he was that I didn't call him on his birthday. He also mentioned how weird and lonely the house is when he comes home and the dog & cat aren't there to greet him. Then he goes on to say, I can't be paying the mortgage so go buy whatever you need now before our credit goes to pot.

Part of me was immediately sucked in to his manipulation and I spent most of the day in a sad daze and fighting tears. Why do I have to keep reminding myself of the obvious, that he caused this to happen with his poor choices and bad behavior!

The bit about the mortgage I realize is his passive aggressive way of asking me to help him. He can't come right out and say he needs help because then his ego would get bruised when I tell him no. This way he can just say he asked without ever really doing so.

When I felt my reaction to his message I was very happy that I had stood firm with my NC because obviously I still would have been a wreck had I gotten in touch with him.

I have been bailing him out for 9 years and even though it hurts my credit I am not going to bail him out now.

I guess I just needed to vent, when does this get easier? When does it not hurt so much? I came home from work and have just been laying in bed all afternoon feeling so sad and displaced without a home of my own.

Thanks for reading and for any words of encouragement for me.

[grateful2b]

soon, soon.... I appreciate the strength it takes for you to stand firm even though it is so, so hard.......good for you girl..............Hugs, grateful

[Growing]

It just such a difficult time....we have to grieve...no way around it...I am grieving my whole family right now who are mostly no contact for me...one foot in front of the other...moment by moment...we will make it to the other side of this. Like that saying that floats around SR...when your going through hell......keep going.

[denny57]

It does get better, SS, it truly does. I resolved to make it one day at a time (sometimes a minute or hour at a time). I allowed myself, with encouragement from my doctor, a pretty long time to sit and stare at the walls.

I can't recommend it for everyone, but no contact is what worked for me.

((()))

[best]

Originally Posted by SerenitySeaker

I came home from work and have just been laying in bed all afternoon feeling so sad and displaced without a home of my own.

Home is where the heart is.
You are keeping a safe and sound home and doing repairs as needed.
The storm will subside and spring will be right around the corner.
You will see the flowers sprout soon.

[NYC_Chick]

Serenity Seaker: You seem to be doing great! Hang in there! It will get better. I don't know when. I'm still waiting for that myself, but I know it does.

I was shocked at the first contact after my break-up too, but they don't shock me or sadden me as much any more.

On the mortgage front...I don't know anything about how this works, but my friend has an investment property and has had difficulty selling. From what I understand, he put the mortgage in some kind of holding until it sells to avoid foreclosure. I'm not sure how that was possible, but may be worth checking into.

[Earthworm]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh the thrill of manipulation.


Ngaire

Originally Posted by SerenitySeaker

A little over a week ago while my AH was out of town I packed up my life and left our home. Since the day he came home and found me gone I have had no contact with my husband. I have struggled with it but just prayed and asked for strength every time I felt compelled to pick up the phone.

Then this morning I get to work and open up my e-mail and bam there it is. A message from him. Completely unexpected. He started by asking how I was which is something he has never cared about before. He then went on to say how surprised he was that I didn't call him on his birthday. He also mentioned how weird and lonely the house is when he comes home and the dog & cat aren't there to greet him. Then he goes on to say, I can't be paying the mortgage so go buy whatever you need now before our credit goes to pot.

Part of me was immediately sucked in to his manipulation and I spent most of the day in a sad daze and fighting tears. Why do I have to keep reminding myself of the obvious, that he caused this to happen with his poor choices and bad behavior!

The bit about the mortgage I realize is his passive aggressive way of asking me to help him. He can't come right out and say he needs help because then his ego would get bruised when I tell him no. This way he can just say he asked without ever really doing so.

When I felt my reaction to his message I was very happy that I had stood firm with my NC because obviously I still would have been a wreck had I gotten in touch with him.

I have been bailing him out for 9 years and even though it hurts my credit I am not going to bail him out now.

I guess I just needed to vent, when does this get easier? When does it not hurt so much? I came home from work and have just been laying in bed all afternoon feeling so sad and displaced without a home of my own.

Thanks for reading and for any words of encouragement for me.

[RosieM]

Serenity, you are definitely not alone. I am having the same feelings today. I think it is getting better day by day, but there are bumps in the road along the way. I think maybe the way to beat the blues is just to keep doing things. But like Denny said, staring at the walls has its benefits, too! I do think we have to feel it, one way or the other. Trying to push it down probably isn't going to work in the long run. Hate this pain! But it is just a feeling. R.

[Miss Pink]

Originally Posted by Earthworm

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh the thrill of manipulation.

Ngaire

and the agony of detachment!

[Earthworm]

That's right!

Ngaire

Originally Posted by Miss Pink

and the agony of detachment!

[tryingtofly]

Originally Posted by Growing

Like that saying that floats around SR...when your going through hell......keep going.

That reminded me of a song I sing by Rodney Atkins when I get down

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragginig for so long
You're on your knees
You maight as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there.

[Mair]

SS It will get better, i heard this so many times that i began to wonder if it ever would, but it has. I found detachment hard, but found that if i was still in contact with him i would never heal. manipulation is a big problem, but in time you will recognise it. Better still dont put yourself in the firing line, detachment is just that detach have no contact, trust me on this, ive had more manipulation than hot dinners lol. Keep strong you can do this.

Mairxx