I can't believe the way I'm feeling...

[EmotionalMeg]

Hi guys,
A few days ago I had an emotional breakdown...

I had no idea why I was feeling so crappy all day. At first I attributed it to hormones, and perhaps that had SOMETHING to do with it. My husband could tell I wasn't being "myself", and he was a little confused... but didn't PUSH the issue. We had a softball game that night and I was really looking forward to it; to get out of the house; to hang out with ADULTS; to have a little fun . It was his 30th birthday too, and I knew that the team had planned a water baloon soaking for him after the game - I was soooo looking forward to that! :p . But, alas, the time had come to go to the game... and I was still feeling so low. I was quiet and reserved to the team, but went out there and figured at least playing would liven me up a bit. And then it got worse! I couldn't catch the ball... I couldn't HIT the ball even if it was a watermelon! I forgot what I was doing out there...

We got home and my husband invited me to cuddle with him on the couch with a movie, and I said "no". I went to have a soak in the bath instead. I still wasn't sure what was wrong, but I sensed I needed to be alone. And there I sat, in the bathtub... crying my eyes out. It just came along so suddenly - a release of so much tension. I had to stop and catch my breath at one point... just to figure out WHY I was crying.

And I began to pray... this is where it all came out. I asked God for some answers; for some guidance. To help me to know what was going on with me, and what I needed to do with myself so I could sort through all the emotions. Words began pouring out, and it began to make sense (in a crazy jumble of wailing sobs ). I kept asking questions... "Why am I so insecure... Why have I always been worried about being popular, not being pretty enough, smart enough, wealthy enough... why, when I was a child did I hide from people? What was I so afraid of?... Why, even now, do I NEVER leave the house if I don't have make up on, or am feeling GOOD about myself / my appearance?Why do I feel, without a QUESTION OF DOUBT, that I am not GOOD ENOUGH?!

It was so strange. I honestly felt like I was losing control. But as easily as the confusion set in, so did the answers... I asked God for guidance, and he gave me the answers.

My husband came in the bathroom shortly after, and asked me what was wrong. I began to explain how lost I felt... I told him that I have never felt "cherished" or wanted and needed as a child; and that I have carried it through to now. When I met my husband, he made me feel wanted and special. I must have known (subconsciously) that he was a person that I could "take care of"... because he was "troubled", and THAT was attractive to me. All my life I searched for the acceptance and to be NEEDED by someone; I found that in my husband.
And OF COURSE now, I felt lost and out of control. My husband has been SERIOUSLY working his recovery and has been sober for over 2 months now. He has begun to change and grow in many ways. He is more responsible, more attentive to me and the children, and is discovering who he is, and what makes HIM happy - INDEPENDANT of me! Do you see the pattern here? He doesn't NEED me anymore; He doesn't need a caretaker... I am not the one in control, the responsible one... I am just ME, and that is scary.

So, I don't know if I am boring you here... or perhaps this makes sense to some of you whop have experienced similar things. Since the day I had experienced the trauma of my mother leaving me as a child, I have always been so protective; I have created my life and allowed people into it in a way that PROTECTS me. Now, I am no longer able to live in my bubble, and I am scared to death to move forward.

Thanks for allowing me to share
Meg

[SkyIsFalling42]

Meg
WOW! your post really touched me. I too am struggling through these issues-I know what you are feeling. Its like you know that you are capable and can function well..but you can never be secure and sure. I think its like old tapes playing in our heads on a subconscious level or something?? I have really been trying to examine my feelings and catch myself in these issues....if I can figure out why, then I can work on it. I am sending you sisterly ((((hugs)))) tonight and wishing for angels on your pillow.

Love in spirit
Sky

[smoke gets in my eyes]

(((( Meg! ))))

Makes perfect sense to me. I think a lot of us feel sort of lost when the caretaking role gets taken away from us, even when we are trying like heck to give it up voluntarily. You should have seen how poorly I reacted when Dino has tried to do things to take care of me. Wait! That's not the way it goes!!!

It gets easier. Believe it or not, you'll get used to things being more even. I've even gotten to like it.

I know you feel a little overwhelmed, but it's wonderful that this awareness has come over you. This is progress!

Hugs,
Smoke

[jojo]

Meg -

I've been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to figure out the right things to say to you - typing and erasing! You recognized why you were feeling bad when you prayed and asked for help. Now that you have had this epiphany - take it one day at a time. Your husband's recovery is a slow, gradual processs. Should yours be any different?

I get all tongue tied when I respond to others pain and confusion. I can't seem to express my feelings in a way that conveys as much warmth and comfort as I would like. Just know that I am there for you in any way that I can be. Give yourself a big hug from me.

Jo

[Summer]

I've had those moments too and I don't know why. I'm glad to hear you figured it out. I guess I never thought of praying about it. For me though I think it's trying to surrender...powerless over the alocholic, etc. If he ever does work a program and get better then I suppose this will be another thing I'll have to go through. I just finished reading the chapter in Co-dependent No More on feeling your feelings and going through them. Looks like you've done that. Recovery really is for life it seems and trying to figure it out is the hard part. But hey, I'll keep searching. This is way better then feeling the way I did about a year and a half ago.
Summer

[journeygal]

((((((((Meg))))))))))

I went through the exact same stuff once I started detaching from hubby's recovery. And don't you know, he had the nerve to thrive in his recovery - without my help! Well damn, if I couldn't take care of him anymore, what was I going to do? And, what if he realized he didn't need me anymore and discovered how weak I was? Oh, I went through all of those feelings. I felt so lost, very insecure, and almost insignficant - like my life didn't have meaning if I wasn't living it trying to save someone.

So, I just kept focusing on me and it got easier and I started feeling better about myself. Now, I just have to figure out how to stop trying to save everyone ELSE around me....

Hugs,
JG

[jessieandme2003]

Meg,

Your post is so deeply touching. I think it is wonderful that you were able to come to some self-realization through prayer. Keep working your program, and see this as another step along that path. Keep sharing, it really helps. We are all here for you.

[maryl]

Meg,
I am sorry to hear you're not doing well. I think sometimes we all need to have a good cry and get what is bottled up inside out. You need to realize that you have done a wonderful job of helping your husband, now you need to help yourself.
You will be my prayers


maryl

[EmotionalMeg]

Thank you so much everyone!

I am always amazed at how MY experiences have somehow been YOUR experiences too; UM, excuse me, but I thought I was the deranged pathetic one!!! well... at least I am not alone - thanks so much, for making me feel "at home".

Oh, and JG... TOO FUNNY!
Yup, I was shocked too... Not only did he actually get sober, but he had the NERVE to be HAPPIER?!!! Ahem... I thought I had some control over that one - as far as I was concerned, he is supposed to be an immature, irresponsible drunk FOREVER! Isn't it funny?! Guess we should really think about what it is we are wishing for...

Meg

[Gabe]

This was your "true self" breaking through. Welcome her! Sometimes we build so many walls up against who we really are that our lovely souls have to come crashing through at a very odd times. No matter, yours got through. Now you can listen to what she told you. Now what was on the inside has come out and you can deal with it. Sometimes I think half the battle is just letting that stuff out. As my wonderful Father used to say, "Tears are cleansing." Did you know that there is no scientific explination for why we cry when we are emotional? I think it is the heart's way of getting what's on the inside out.
Peace,
Gabe

[EmotionalMeg]

Thanks Gabe,
Yup, I think you are right... Now, when I said "emotional breakdown", I MEANT it! I was really in a strange place with myself that night. So many emotions came crashing through all at once. It's the same way with the way I "deal with" the loss of my daughter. I am strong, and am at peace... I even love to think of her and talk about her a lot. But, every once in a while, the tiniest thing will trigger the emotions - I think the last time was on her birthday this year... I decided to look at the guest book from her service, and was in tears for hours . The other 364 days of the year, I am just fine

I actually find crying very "cleansing"... your father is a wise man



Meg

[Ann]

{{{Meg}}}

They say that working this program is like peeling away the layers of an onion. Slowly, we work our way until we see what is inside (often what we have hidden or buried for years). And like peeling an onion, it stinks and makes us cry.

But this is not a setback - it is a move forward, a way of walking through your pain. And now that you feel better I think you can see that it was healthy to address these feelings and have a good cry to get it out.

Part of being a codependent is that when we focus on someone else's problems, we don't have to look at our own, and in time we lose sight of who WE are.

Often, when I am experiencing strange feelings and don't quite know what to do with them, I do the same as you did - pray. It is when I am most vulnerable that I surrender to God and find that He is always there to comfort me.

And maybe if your husband doesn't "need" you right now, you can take comfort in the fact that he "chooses" to share his life with you, wanting and needing nothing more than just wonderful you to be with.

[NoDoubt]

Meg-
I am amazed at how you frequently put my life into words. I am going through the same thing. I just couldn't explain it until I saw your words.

At times I don't know who I am anymore. I feel lost and out of control. And being out of control really scares me.

On top of it, I'm a little jealous (?I think?). My husband just passed the 90 day mark. I'm so happy for him (and our family). He tells me about his meetings (1-2 every night except Wed and Sun) and I feel a little lonely. I tried going to an Alanon meeting (went a few times) but did feel it was for me. I though of trying another meeting but the scheduled never mesh.

I have become very emotional. Worrying about stupid little things (which I realize in hind sight). Almost losing it with my kids.

I was in my truck the other day and was looking out my rearview mirror when I noticed the woman in the car in back of me was yelling at her child. She looked so silly! I almost wanted to tell her to chill out! Then I realized that I do that occasionally. Well, let's hope it taught me something.

I'm rambling. Hope you are able to find some sanity/peace now.

Jeanne

[SkyIsFalling42]

Ann
I just had to jump in here and thank you for that post..it is very insightful and appreciated it alot.

Meg
I think you are great and feel good about being able to grow along side of you.

Love in spirit
Sky

[EmotionalMeg]

Hi again,
I wanted to respond to YOUR responses...

Ann: How easily and gently you are able to put our recoveries into words - it is truly a gift. It IS like peeling away the layers of an onion - I have heard this expression before, and now I understand how it applies to ME.
I am feeling very vulnerable with all of this. In one sense, it feels good to have learned a little about myself and to have made some progress; in another sense, it feels very scary. I KNOW and accept that I am powerless over HIM, but that leaves me with only myself. I have reached a point where things need to begin healing and changing for me; to be able to see past these protective walls... to start TAKING CARE of myself. And this opens up a whole NEW world of "what-if's". In the end, if things go wrong, I only have myself to blame.

No Doubt: well, what can I say? I feel horrible to be GLAD that someone else is experiencing very similar things as I... But I am. It makes me feel that there IS a solution, there MUST be. It helps to imagine that there have been others BEFORE us as well; ones that have found some answers, some peace.
I am not going to preach to you about Alanon, but am secretly hoping you'll give it another try. Alanon is not the ONLY tool I have, but it's an important one
I am sending you a hug... from one lost, scared soul to another...

take care guys
Meg

[NoDoubt]

Thanks for the hug Meg!
Here's one for you too!!!

I expressed these feelings to my husband last night. He told me that during one of his meetings (and alcoholed education group that he went to for 10 weeks - which recently ended) they discussed co-dependents and how the emotions of co-dependents can even go wild when their A is in recovery.

He was told that sometimes co-dependents can't cope in recovery and occasionally send the A back to drinking. I told him.
"DON'T GET ANY IDEAS". Just blame it on the codie (I'm being sarcastic)!!!

NoDoubt