DESIGNER

I am leaving the abf that I know but I just wish that I could get the golden answer to how someone in this world could throw everything away because of alcohol. He loves me and says that he always will but I find it sooo hard to believe!! I know that he is sick and has a disease but it is just so hard to swallow how someone can leave someone like me....a person who has loved him through everything including rehab. He has told me that I am his world and just at christmas told me how he can never ever imagine me not being in his life but yet only 2 months later he is saying it is done and throwing in the towel.
I understand that not one of us here understand what is going on with this addiction but I just wish that God himself would send me something to help me understand. I know that I may never get the answer but it is just so hard.
I have exactly 2 weeks to go with living with him and I know that once I do not see him or talk to him(which I am having a very hard time grasping) that maybe it will be easier. Right now it is just so hard because everytime he comes home I am reminded that we will no longer see each other 2 weeks from now. It makes me so sad!!! He is the person for the last 4 years that I have went to for anything that is bothering me. He is the first person that I would call when I found out great news or was just having a bad day and needed someone to chear me up.

I feel like I am living a bad dream right now. I actually had a dream about 4 months ago that we broke up and I remember waking up and feeling so relieved that he was right next to me. I have always known that his alcoholism caused us problems but I always thought that things would work themselves out and that he would find his way with me still in his life. Now I find myself living the nightmare over and over every morning when I wake up. It is coming to an end and I am SO scared of it.

I know that things are not right between us but I just wish that I would awake from this nightmare one morning and find out that it is all not true. If I could have one wish in this world it would be for everything to be ok with him and with us and that the love that we have for each other could remain. At times I don't believe that he loves me but others I know that he does and that he is just walking away from me because he knows that he is going to continue to drink and he does not want to face his inner beast just yet and that I will never be happy untill he does.

I don't know what I am really trying to say here...just typing away because it helps getting it out.

Shivaya

Hi Designer,

I am so sorry you are sad....You are in a tough situation, still living with ABF, but knowing that in 2 weeks, you will no longer be.

Stay strong for the next few weeks, get yourself out of there, and then begin with your healing.

It is so darn sad that someone would choose alcohol over a loved one, and completely not understandable.

But....I think you are doing this because you love yourself, and you love him. And by staying with him, you will not be helping yourself or him. And by leaving him, you WILL BE taking care of yourself, and he'll have to take care of himself.

It takes a very strong person to do what you are doing. You are young, you are loving, you are smart, you deserve to be loved and treated with respect, not coming 2nd in line to a drink.

Take care and I'll be sending calm thoughts your way....

Shivaya

LaTeeDa

How can you love alcohol more than a person? In the same way you can love an alcoholic more than yourself. There are so many similarities between alcoholics and codependents who love them--the only difference is the drug of choice.

I spent so many years of my life focused on him that I lost myself. I am so happy to hear you are changing your life before decades slip by.............

L

peaceteach

Designer,
Is there ANY way you can get out of there now and stay somewhere else for the next two weeks? The anxiousness you are letting get the better of you right now is not going to do ANY GOOD at all, honey. I think it would be way more helpful if you could somehow direct your "energies" towards a forward move instead of a step-back codie attack...

cdk1972

I second what LTD said. There's that saying, something about if you don't love yourself no one else will love you? He doesn't love himself, otherwise he wouldn't be hiding his true self behind alcohol. So therefore he truly doesn't know how to love anyone else....alcohol is easy to love-it doesn't nag, it doesn't demand anything, it just gives over and over and over. It's an addiction that unless you, yourself are an alcoholic we will never understand. It's just up to us to try our hardest to take care of ourselves first. We cannot "fix" them, and we certainly can't make them choose us over alcohol unless THEY are ready to do so. But try to remember it is NOT YOUR JOB in life to fix him. And...to be blunt, you can't. No matter how great a person you are. there's abook -a short one, called "Understanding the Alcoholic's Mind" by Dr. Arnold M. Ludwig. It may not make you feel better, but it really helped me see things from a very different perspective. Alcoholics may want to stop, however sometimes they simply just don't have to tools to figure out how, or its just not priority..whatever the reason...and of course its easier to stick with what makes you feel better at the time. Do whatever research you need, just don't focus too much on him. Begin to take care of yourself.
best wishes to you.

denny57

Perhaps he feels he has no choice. Perhaps when "everything" is truly thrown away he will seek recovery. Perhaps after you have removed yourself from the situation you will learn you were meant to have a more peaceful, alcohol free life. Who knows? But nothing changes if nothing changes.

It does get easier, Designer, it truly does. ((()))

DESIGNER

Thanks everyone for your responses. I have accepted the fact that i can no longer do anything to help him but walk away....it is just hard to do living here still.

It has taken me a long time to realize that there is Nothing in this world that can help him unless he chooses to seek help for himself. It is just hard walking away from someone you love so much and your hands are tied.

The one thing that has sort of helped me be strong in the past couple of weeks is the fact that he is still drinking.
Some nights he comes home and others he does not. He no longer hides the alcohol and I no longer look for clues. He has told me a few times when he has come home from drinking that he was just at a friends house. Personally I think that he is sitting up at a smokey bar by himself by the way he smells of smoke. The lies continue....this time though it does not hurt me as bad it just makes walking away a little easier.

Well honestly it does not make it easier but just a little more bearable. I still hurt and I still cry but my one good friend says that it is just a part of the process.......just want to know when I will start feeling better again. I can't wait to be happy again and not be pretending.

2Growstrong

Designer i can "hear" the pain you are feeling right now....and I also wondered this same thing before and after I left my xah. I don't think that there is an easy answer to your question and I have researched it quite a bit. The mystery of how the human brain works is so complex you could study it all your life and just begin to grasp the basics. I think some a's have a lot of love for their families but the addiction is a competing factor. This causes them even more stress. They lack self control and temperance. They are generally disloyal if you consider loyalty to be being able to maintain commitments of trust to loved ones. It seems to be a catalog of character flaws. Maybe that is why he wants to throw in the towel as you said because he knows his own flaws and doesn't want to hurt you more. Maryanne

DESIGNER

Ha I love this saying...boy do I feel like I am in hell but I am continuing to move forward and doing everything in my power to stay on track....it is soo hard to do right now. Not only am I going through a break up but moving to an apartment that is a lot more expensive and learning a new position at work that after this week really freaks me out even though I have been trained for it.

When is this all going to end????????????????????????????????

hope2bhappy

I think the answer to this question is right in front of us, we just have trouble accepting it. The alcoholic is addicted to the alcohol. They cannot put it down until they seek recovery. I'm sure you are very important to him, but he is an addict, and as long as the addiction is active, he will choose the drug over you, because he is physically dependent on it.

Since I am not an addict, I can't begin to understand why they can't just simply stop drinking. Why on earth would I risk losing my partner, my children, my job, my friends, or even my very life? For me it is simple... don't drink. But I believe in the brain of the alcoholic, it is much more complex.

Try not to take this personally. You just happen to be a casualty of this war. You understand that you can't control this, so you are doing what you have to do for yourself. With everything (and everyone) he loses, he will be one step closer to finding recovery some day. I am so sorry that you are hurting.

NYC_Chick

Designer,

I think once the move is over you'll feel much better. I also think your new position at work will force you to focus on something other than you xabf.

I've been broken up with my xabf for a couple of months, but with contact until a couple of weeks ago. I have completely thrown myself into learning as much about the disease as I can (for my own understanding, not to help him) and I've also been trying to focus on what is right for me and what I want. Part of me is terrified, the other part is excited for what may be ahead. We had our whole wedding planned out and I could see it crystal clear in my head until recently when I accepted the fact that my path had to be different for my own sanity. With him, I had very little hope for a happy life. Without him, I have lots of hope that things will get better and maybe I'll even find a relationship with someone who will treats me with respect and kindness. I think we all deserve that. I still have to remind myself of that each day, but it's getting better.

When I got the final email of promises a few weeks ago, I literally got sick reading it. There was denial in 10 different directions. I tried hard to wrap my brain around the same question as you..."why alcohol and not me?" I now realize it doesn't matter. He made the choice and he has to live with it if it's a poor one. I, however, get to chart a new path that is free of daily chaos, drama, and anxiety.

I still have bad days and still cry here and there, but it's not the same soul crushing depression it was when it first happened. :ghug

justjo

I use to ask the same questions. Well, basically I tried analysing it all, why, cant, should, did etc etc. How can she do this, how can she loose her life to this? Kids, house, husband, money etc. Well, she did and shes still drinking.

We will always love them, care, cry, hurt but in the end I accepted that this is not my life to live, its her. I understand addiction but at the end of the day the need to stop has to be theirs. To want life back so bad.

Only a post last week, I said, : I miss the person I once knew. Thats what I mourn.
Someone said back to me : They probably hope you dont miss that person because they never wanted to be that person in the first place. (this really made me think)

You can choose to mourn the loss of him, but you can also choose to turn the page and get on with your story. He may catch up one day or not.
Good Luck

best

Your hands are not tied. You are walking in a different direction...not walking away. Your hopes and prayers are saying you would like to see him stop.
Walking away "in some siuations" can be the best action a person can take for the alcoholic or addict.

Don't think of it as walking away, think of it as changing the direction you were walking in. He can seek answers and find his recovery and at that time he could look to catch up in the direction you are going.

You are making choices for you. He needs make his own choices for himself.

Kindeyes

Wow. I've never really thought about it like that before. How very true! Thank you for sharing that. It was a lightbulb moment for me when I read it.

Mair

Hi Designer, I took my rose tinted glasses off and began to see clearly,and found that my relationship with my xab was not to be. Please beleive it does get easier it really does, it's only 7 weeks since i left my xab and ive been through so many emotions, anger, sadness, fear but now i am at peace with my life, i have compassion for my xab and more importantly i am beginning to respect me, and accept that I made a bad choice and now it's time to move on. But i have learnt so much about me and the things that i need to change, so i never to make the same mistakes again.

If you can stay with someone for the next two weeks then do it. Please be careful not to be manipulated by ur ab, he will try anything for you to stay. Take care

Mairxx

DESIGNER

That is what is funny is that he is not pleading with me to stay...he is leaving me and having fun doing it. Last night I had a moment of clarity about what is going on with him...he just wants to party it up with no responsiblity.
I got woke up around 3:30am to a light in our closet. Asked him what he was doing....rumaging through to find something....asked him what and he was like-" it does not matter, I thought that we don't have to share this stuff b/c we are not together." Heard the door shut and he got into the car with one of his friends....the friend that he will be going to live with and the friend that basically introduced him to his first drink and has not been around for the past 4 years to see what he has created. He has no idea about the abf....he will soon learn unless the abf tries and hide the really heavy drinking from him.

true.....I just hope and pray that he will one day come down the correct path. After last night I know that he is starting to stray even further down the wrong path that he has been on since he has found a buddy again to go and party with. He didn't have this for a long time and that is when I noticed some positive changes in him....now he is going to be living with a partier and I just don't see this going well. Well I guess I tried...not my problem anymore.

denny57

No other human being "creates" an alcoholic. It was a struggle for me to let go of this thinking - exterior forces creating an alcoholic.

I hope this struggle is over soon for you. ((()))

queenteree

Ditto to what Denny said. Your abf had that choice to take that first drink and continue drinking. Nobody's holding a gun to his head to do it.

"I just hope and pray that he will one day come down the correct path."
Designer - I too used to hope and pray that very same thing about my AH. Now I have changed it to "hope and pray that I will one day come down the correct path" and I pray for MY recovery. Please, shift the focus to you. You deserve it.

LaTeeDa

I cannot decide what is "correct" or "incorrect" for another person. I can only decide what is right for me. And, I reserve the option to change my mind, lol. Letting go of black-or-white, right-or-wrong, all-or-nothing thinking has improved my life tremendously.

L

DESIGNER

since he still lives here we just started talking about things today and I asked him how you can say you love someone so much and then 2 months later want to leave? He said well at that time I did love you very much but people fall out of love with each other and I still love you and always will just not the same as I used to. WOW I think that my heart just stopped beating.
God I need some peace. I asked him to please find somewhere else to live for the next 2 weeks. He said that he would try very hard to make it a point not to be here when I am here.

God I am falling back into what I used to be.....I am scared right now. How do I let go and how can he say that he does not love me the same? I am so up and down with how I feel about this. Just a few threads ago I sounded so strong.....what is happening to me? I want to go to an alanon meeting so bad tonight but we just recieved some bad weather and I can't go out in it.

Even though he won't be here tonight I feel like this apartment is a prison right now.