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Old 02-08-2008, 10:49 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Eight Easy Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator

Been browsing one of my favorite sites today and though I'd share this article.



Emotional manipulators get extra marks for subtlety. A patronizing, mind-f***er can bend and twist and warp but somehow after a period of time they set off the ol’ bs meter. An emotional manipulator is smoother. You’ll have to adjust the sensitivity of your bullshit meter to escape unscathed. What is emotional manipulation? Well, emotional manipulation is a method of using words, body language and behavior for the purposes of provoking a particular reaction, getting a desired response or to just plain ol’ screw you over. If the emotional blackmailer is any good, he’ll having you offering to bend over and be f***ed one more time, "anything you want dear." Lets talk about how an emotional manipulator works and how to recognize the game (because it very much IS a game) so you can reset that bullshit meter and safeguard against possible attack.

1. There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bs - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this s**t.

2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.

3. Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!

4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bs meter once again.

5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off s**t to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.

6. If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!

7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.

8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.

Some would say it is possible with time, a great deal of honesty and communication to work through emotional manipulation. Personally I think life is short and precious - the only worthwhile thing to do when confronted with an emotionally manipulative person is to BROOM THEIR ASS TO THE CURB! A Relationship with emotionally manipulative person is similar to re-exposing yourself over and over and over to a highly toxic and potentially fatal virus. Each brush with it reduces your immunity and weakens your defenses. It can take more time for someone that has been in an emotionally manipulative relationship (READ: ABUSE) to recover than it does for someone that leaves a physically abusive one. At least you can name that punch that hit you. Emotional abuse is subtle. It is insidious. It is dangerous. If you are in it - walk away and never look back. Make it a rule!

Heartless Bitches International - Eight Easy Ways to Spot an Emotional Manipulator
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Thank you for this post. I am laughing, and sobbing, at the same time. WOW! Waking up is hard!
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Old 02-08-2008, 11:27 AM   #3 (permalink)
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3. Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality.

Just yesterday I was talking about not confronting my AH about some pills I found because I knew he would end up making me feel like I was crazy for even thinking the way I was thinking.

A Relationship with emotionally manipulative person is similar to re-exposing yourself over and over and over to a highly toxic and potentially fatal virus. Each brush with it reduces your immunity and weakens your defenses. It can take more time for someone that has been in an emotionally manipulative relationship (READ: ABUSE) to recover than it does for someone that leaves a physically abusive one. At least you can name that punch that hit you. Emotional abuse is subtle. It is insidious. It is dangerous.

Well put, thanks for sharing this!
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Old 02-08-2008, 12:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Emotional manipulation is insidious. Problem is, I didn't see that until I learnt more about it. I am well out of my relationship with an alcoholic, however I still have to deal with it in my daily life. My Mom is a classic example. And she doesn't even know she is doing it, I am sure. In fact, I almost certain that most manipulators are the same. They simply do what has worked for them in the past and continue to do it until it doesn't work any more on that particular person.

It's all crazy making stuff. I am glad I know about it now. I have side-stepped a number of potential "friendships" by seeing the signs.
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Old 02-08-2008, 12:18 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I should add - I have done my own fair share of emotional manipulation in the past. More along the lines of "If you loved me, you would.....", though.
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Old 02-08-2008, 12:22 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I love that site, too! I remember when I thought being called a bleeding heart was a compliment.
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Old 02-08-2008, 12:37 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty. . . . "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly.
EXACTLY -- I had to hire our next door neighbor to babysit so I could study; because "Sweetie" was laying on his a$$ watching TV and didn't notice that our 4-yr old left the room and was trying to climb mommy's leg again -- that and get up at 4:00 a.m. to study while everyone else was sleeping. I wish I had read this 15 yrs ago; would have saved myself 15 yrs of continued manipulation.

And I agree with Karmakoma -- I don't think it's that they sit there and think "Hmmmm -- now I will do some crazymaking, yeah that sounds like fun." They are just using what has worked in the past to get their way.

Last edited by DesertEyes; 02-08-2008 at 09:43 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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Old 02-08-2008, 01:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I read the eight signs of the Manipulator and then went and had a nap. As I was drifting off to sleep I thought

"Thank God I'm not in a relationship." I really felt grateful for being single. Don't have to worry about all this stuff,can just plow through my Blue Print for Progress and work on me.

Ngaire

P.S I love Heartless B#$%ches International.
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Old 02-08-2008, 03:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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this sounds like the description of narcissism. very difficult people to connect with and feel good in relationship to.

a nap sounds real good right now. just thinking about these manipulators makes me want to pull the covers up and drift away.....~~~~(napping is my way of manipulating the situation)
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i stop trying to listen and hear truth
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i seek no contact and find union
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Old 02-08-2008, 06:08 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Cast my vote for number 8

with the hook-me-in and "poor, poor pitiful me" that is sung so well. Certainly got this codie hooked in with AH. Yeah, he was such a hurting guy because he was so sensitive. He was kind to me. Gentle. Had a feminine side when it came to decorating and cooking. Uh-huh. About as gentle as a sledge hammer.

And he was very, very good at it. As I so clearly remember his best friend's mom saying to me a month before I married him, "Honey, you are getting one of the good ones."

Yep, had it refined to a higher art form .....
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Old 02-08-2008, 07:14 PM   #11 (permalink)
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What is the website where you found this? I'm really wanting to read more. WOW!..and yes, I can admit I've been guilty of doing some emotional manipulation in the past...I think truth be told, we all probably have..
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Old 02-09-2008, 05:01 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Heartless Bitches International is the web-site.

ngaire
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