Insight for dating a recovering alcoholic

[loriluvs2smile]

I have been dating for 6 months... a 45 year old man that has been sober for 9 yrs. He's sobriety was life or death and he chose to live. He quit on his own with some help of some friends and some meetings... and has not had a slip up in 9 years. He is a wonderful,loving,hard working,dependable man who loves me dearly. This is where I find myself today.

We have great times together alone.... but he has a very hard time socially.
He clams up and gets very quite. We have met friends out to watch a local band at a bar or dinner and drinks with friends. I'm a very social person and find myself being different because of it. Will he ever be comfortable being out socially? He said that he associates having fun with drinking so when put into those situations he just shuts down. Does it ever get easier on either one of us? He is so willing to do anything to make it work and we are very open with each other on how this is effecting us both....Then my other fear is what would it take for him to relaspe if I say I want to break things off...the burden that carries is overwhelming.

Is there anyone out there that can offer any help.

[queenteree]

My AH was sober for over 14 years, wanted sobriety (and me) more than anything. He was the same way at social functions. At first he was fun, later it got so he didn't feel comfortable there and we'd stay a little bit then leave. I was like you, social butterfly, liked to go out w/friends, etc. I started having to go on my own. Then I stopped cause I loved being with him.
As for him relapsing if you break it off, all I can say is when an alcoholic, recovering or not, wants to drink, any excuse will do (or sometimes no excuse at all). But please remember, alcoholism is a life long disease, it can't be cured. There will always, always be that threat of relapse, trust me. I was naive when I married him, and had I known all about this disease, my decisions may have been different. My husband relapsed several years ago, and hasn't stopped since. May I suggest Alanon for you to gain a clearer perspective on the recovering alcoholic. Good luck to you.

[anvilhead]

i think you respect the fact that being around drinking situations makes him uncomfortable and applaud that he continues to put his sobriety FIRST. with that as the caveat, you decide if the social events are more important than doing other activities with him that do not include drinking.......be kinda like dragging a diabetic to dunkin' donuts every day....

[Pick-a-name]

My exAH 's personality is very much like you describe (actually,I still rather like that his "quiet/reserved nature";just when it got to an extreme....quiet with me,too). He is still drinking (has been the 30yrs we were together). That seems to be his "comfort" in a social setting.

You are only six months into this and already it is bothering you? imho,you are both still on your "best behavior". Maybe this is not the guy for you. Esp. since the social events you have described seem to involve bars or otherwise all or most of the others drinking alcohol. (Perhaps I made an incorrect observation). I guess it comes down to which is more important to YOUR happiness. I really didn't mind it,at least for many,many years.

Whatever you decide;his sobriety does not rest with you;it is his and his to deal with.

Good luck to you both and glad you are here. Reading and posting and Alanon might help give you some additional info to work with.

[LaTeeDa]

Originally Posted by loriluvs2smile

He is a wonderful,loving,hard working,dependable man who loves me dearly.

And who apparently feels uncomfortable in social/drinking situations. I'm dating a man who also isn't much of a social butterfly. He has no history of addiction that I am aware of. He's just not into that scene. I'm fine with that. Sometimes he goes places with me, sometimes I go alone. Sometimes he takes me to places where I'm not all that comfortable either.

I found that most of the problems in my previous relationship (18 year marriage) were caused by power struggles. Me wanting him to be someone different, him wanting me to be someone different. The lesson I learned in all that is that people are who they are. It's not for me to change someone into what I think I want in my life.

If the differences are too great and I find myself wanting another to change, I'm probably hanging on to a relationship that's just not right for me.

L

[BohemiMamaof3]

Originally Posted by anvilhead

i think you respect the fact that being around drinking situations makes him uncomfortable and applaud that he continues to put his sobriety FIRST. with that as the caveat, you decide if the social events are more important than doing other activities with him that do not include drinking.......be kinda like dragging a diabetic to dunkin' donuts every day....

That's what I was thinking. Could you find a sort of a compromise, like having a few people over to socialize - play games or cards, with only non-alcoholic refreshments? Invite another couple of friends to go to dinner and a movie at a resturant where the "bar" isn't the big thing, the food and the conversation are? Socialize at athletic activities (golf, tennis, vollyball, frisbee, hiking/walking), like at a park or nature preserve somewhere you all like - something where the focus is interaction and the activity. I have been a teeototaler for so long, I never think about how much alcohol is used as a social lubricant, because we just have not drank for so many years.