Was Scared/Angry/Hurt...At First

[darkness_falls]

Very long post...

When I first came here and started posting I was very scared, angry, hurt and confused. I felt like everyone here who was in a relationship with an alcoholic was saying the only solution was to leave the situation and because I didn't agree with this, I came across as being harsh. I do love him. Always have. Things are usually good between us. We do have a lot of happy times but...

I've been away for the forum for a few weeks now and a lot has happened. My AH lost his job (strictly due to corporate restructuring and not his addiction). Although he handled it very well at first, I guess it just became too overbearing and while he was presumably looking for work, he was sleeping. Sleeping because he was at the bottle. 3 days of this and he failed to show up to do some things for some family members and asked me to make excuses for him that he was just too busy, I realized that not only was he hurting me and the kids, now it had reached the point where he was hurting other people. People who have always been there for him when he needed a helping hand with things.

It was like something went off inside me that said that's it. You're done. You've been doing this for him for too long. Covering for him, picking him up when he's down, now it's time to stop. Well he did not like this at all so I told the people who he was to do the work for that he was behaving very strangely, drinking. I continued to go to work and I have no idea how I've gotten through the last few days and last night, my parents came over (unexpectedly for him) and we started talking.

He went from saying he was going through a rough time because of the job loss to twisting it all around and blaming me for everything. Drudging up the stupidest little things from years past that bother him. Blamed me for everything. Then I called his parents, which ended up being fruitless since they're both alcoholics themselves who enjoyed a screaming match with me and blamed me for all his problems. Told me they would take me to court (they gave us a lot of money when we bought our house).

He left with them because I just could not have him at home last night. Well, he did come back later on and did not bother me. Told me he needed help. This morning we called several treatment centres and detox to try and get him in. He went through every emotion known to man-from anger to crying to anger at the system for not finding a facility that could treat him right away or for being booked up to crying again. Took him to the walk in clinic as suggested by the detox to get him some meds for his nerves. We have to wait until next week for the initial assessment but the good news (if there is such a thing in a situation like this) is that he wants the help. Really wants it.

Last night, I felt like I could finally breathe again. Yes, it was difficult to go through. Difficult and embarrasing and shameful to admit all this to everyone but I now know that I have support. I know this is not my fault. My biggest fear was that I'd be criticized for not trying to keep it together. I now realize that I've done everything I can and that if I didn't take this step, it may have been too late for me, the kids and him. Whatever happens now, I feel like I will be okay. I have every confidence that he will get through this and will be one of the ones that makes it but if he doesn't at least now I know that I did what I could. I know it's not going to be easy. I know the hard times are still to come and I'm willing and able to accept that.

It takes a lot of courage to do this. I know because it is the single, most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I will stay by him for support but I will no longer make excuses and I encourage anybody who is in the same situation to stop feeling the shame and get help from family, friends, community. My biggest regret is that I didn't do this sooner and hopefully for us, I didn't wait too long.

So despite what I may have posted in the weeks prior, I am glad I found this forum. I did make the decision to stay but now that decision comes with consequences for him if he does not fulfill his obligations. I want to say thank you to all you courageous people and I want to wish you all the very best.

[BohemiMamaof3]

Wow. Big changes for you, but it sounds like you are taking these steps for you, so things that will be better for you - and that's good. I hope you continue to find that stregnth. Glad you decided to stay. I hope you will find alanon-type help for yourself while your husband is getting help in re-hab.

[Peaches1_99]

Darkness: I will say an extra prayer for your husband and for you. Sometimes an A has to hit rockbottom to realize they have a problem. Maybe loosing his job and being away for a night w/ his alcholic parents is just what he needed to realize that isn't what he wants for the two of you.

Be sure to keep posting we are all here for you.

[ICU]

Originally Posted by darkness_falls

It was like something went off inside me that said that's it. You're done.

I remember when that feeling came upon me in my own relationship, with my 'now' ex! It was a life defining, life altering moment for me. But, it didn't happen until I was ready...not one second before!

Welcome back!

[Barbara52]

We all take out journey's in our own way an time.

Yes, you were harsh but that's ok. I understand how that happens. The whole process of awakening from denial is not easy and seeing words that we aren't ready to see can cause us to react harshly. I know that's how I react. But when I'm ready, those words help.

I hope you AH is serious. I hope he gets into recovery. But remember, the motivation must come from him and only him. He is the only one who can start down his road to recovery.

As for his parents, I would ignore their babbling, especially about the money they gave you for the house. If they gave it to you as a couple, a very nice thing for htem to do, it was a gift and they have no say in your life because of it. Take their words for what they are worth considering they are As themselves and in denial about their son's problems.

[tryingtoheal]

Darkness, thank you for the honesty in your remarks. I am sure more than one of us on here has been in your boots. It's so humbling to see ourselves in the light of day...and reality! Kinda like buying a cute, white swim suit, taking a dip, and emerging from the water only to have another form of yourself sitting on the beach laughing at you in your cute, white, SEE-THROUGH-WHEN-WET swim suit!

I hope things go well for you. Stay strong, but most of all, continue to be honest with yourself. It was not being honest with myself that caused me the worst struggle thus far...the horrid realization that I was being self-righteous in my belief that I was 'special' or 'strong' enough to beat my exabf's addiction. Addiction and the behaviors that go with it are seperate from most addict's true personality; that fact in itself is what binds so many of us codies...unfortunately, some of the sh*t that goes on is universal! I didn't get to test out boundries and didn't realize addiction (both of us, at different points) was a major contributer that caused a lot of our problems until it was too late. I cry to think of all that might be different if I had not been so blinded by denial and my own defensive b.s.

[Mair]

Welcome back Darkness, I send you prayers and good wishes.

Mairx

[darkness_falls]

Thanks for the welcome back everyone. I picked up the book Codependent No More. What a godsend. I see myself in almost every definition and I never realized that other people were behaving in the same way. I'm learning a lot about myself.

[GiveLove]

Originally Posted by darkness_falls

I'm learning a lot about myself.

That's what we're all about here

[Chrysalis123]

Welcome Back! I read this today in "Courage to Change":

"When the student is ready the teacher appears," say the Zen Buddists. Or as an Alanon speaker put it, "We each get here right on time."

[ICU]

That's great Darkness!

When you've read that, and perhaps reread it as many of us here have done, LOL, I'd like to suggest another book by the same author....The Language of Letting Go...'when you're ready'! It's a favorite amongst many and is often referred to and quoted from here.