Recovery is a process and takes time.

[Morning Glory]

I've come a long way, but have a long way to go.


Codependency: Involves a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving toward ourselves and others that can cause pain. Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive. We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves. These habits can lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relationships that don’t work.

Characteristics

Codependents may,

• Think and feel responsible for other people—for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.

• Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.

• Feel compelled –almost forced — to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.

• Wonder why others don’t do the same for them.

• Don’t really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.

• Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.

• Try to please others instead of themselves.

• Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.

• Feel safest when giving.

• Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.

• Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.

• Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don’t have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.

• Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
• Over commit themselves.

• Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used

Codependents tend to:

• Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.

• Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indigent when others blame and criticize the codependents — something codependents regularly do to themselves.

• Get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation)

• Take things personally.

• Have been victims of alcoholism.

• Be afraid of making mistakes.

• Wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.

• Have a lot of “shoulds”.

• Try to help other people live their lives instead.

• Try to prove they’re good enough for other people.

• Settle for being needed.

• Feel terribly anxious about problems and people.

• Worry about the silliest things.

• Think and talk a lot about other people.

• Lose sleep over problems or other people’s behavior.

• Worry

• Never Find answers.

• Check on people.

• Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems.

• Abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something.

• Focus all their energy on other people and problems.

• Wonder why they never have any energy.

• Wonder why they can’t get things done.

• Ignore problems or pretend they aren’t happening.

• Pretend circumstances aren’t as bad as they are.

• Tell themselves things will be better tomorrow.

• Stay busy so they don’t have to think about things.

• Get depressed or sick.

• Spend money compulsively.

• Overeat.

• Watch problems get worse.

• Believe lies.

• Wonder why they feel like they’re going crazy.

• Don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.

• Look for happiness outside themselves.

• Latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.

• Feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think proves their happiness.

• Don’t love themselves.

• Often seek love from people incapable of loving.

• Believe other people are never there for them.

• Equate love with pain.

• Try to prove they’re good enough to be loved.

• Don’t take time to see if other people are good for them.

• Don’t take time to figure out if they love or like other people.

• Center their lives around other people.
• Look for relationships to provide all their good feelings.

• Lost interest in their own lives when they love.

• Worry other people will leave them.

• Stay in relationships that don’t work.

• Tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.

• Feel trapped in relationships.

• Leave bad relationships and form new ones that don’t work either.

• Find it difficult to get to the point.

• Aren’t sure what the point is.

• Try to say what they think will please people.

• Eliminate the word NO from their vocabulary.

• Want to express their opinions until they know other people’s opinions.

• Have a difficult time asserting their rights.

• Say they won’t tolerate certain behaviors from other people.

• Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they would never do.

• Let others hurt them.

• Keep letting others hurt them.

• Wonder why they hurt so badly.

• Complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.

• Finally get angry.

• Don’t trust other people.

• Try to trust untrustworthy people.

• Feel very scared, hurt, and angry

• Live with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry.

• Are afraid of their own anger.

• Are frightened of other people’s anger.

• Feel controlled by other people’s anger.

• Repress their angry feelings.

• Are afraid to make other people feel anger.

• Cry a lot, get depressed, overact, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.

• Punish other people for making the codependents angry.

• Have been shamed for feeling angry.

• Feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment, and bitterness.

• Feel safer with their anger than hurt feelings.

• Wonder if they’ll ever not be angry.

• Are caretakers in the bedroom.

• Have sex when they don’t want to.

• Have sex when they’d rather be held, nurtured, and loved.

• Try to have sex when they’re angry or hurt.

• Are afraid of losing control.

• Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.

• Make up reasons to abstain

• Be extremely responsible or Be extremely irresponsible.

• Find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.

• Have an overall passive response to codependency — crying, hurt, helplessness.

• Combine passive and aggressive responses.

• Vacillate in decisions and emotions.

• Stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.

• Cover up, lie, and protect the problem.

• Feel lethargic.

• Feel depressed.

• Become withdrawn and isolated.

• Experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.

[BigSis]

Wow... MG, to a "T" this describes my experience.

Thank you for sharing this!

[ICU]

Shhhhh....but I think MG was 'taking my inventory'....shhhhhh!

Great check list!

[nowinsituation]

A couple of months ago I swore up and down I was not codependent. At the time I didn't fully understand what it means to be codependent (and still don't). My reasoning was that I don't seek out others and try to fix their problems or control things. I was forced into it -- a victim of circumstance so to speak. And I HATED that I HAD to do it -- but those people always DUMP their problems at my feet. There was always enough of the problem that was "my" problem, that I felt obligated to take it on an take care of it. If I didn't someone innocent (i.e. my children) would suffer. But boy, I was angry and resentful. This checklist is great -- and let me share something that happened today:

Background - I have separated from AH (when I did I cancelled our newspaper subscription); my daughter spends every other weekend with him. He uses a woodstove to heat the house. My daughter and I were in the car alone together:

Daughter: Since we don't get the newspaper anymore, Dad is running out of old newspapers to use to start the woodstove.

Me - getting pissed off -- because either : a) he asked her to tell me this to try to get me to solve it, or b) she is becoming codependent and feeling like she needs to take these things on herself and solve them. And then - I start thinking of solving it by coming up with a variety of ideas to provide them newspapers or suggest alternatives to use. And then I realize what I am doing and I STOP!!!!!

ME: You know I only buy the Sunday paper now; if you want to take it to the house with you next time you can.

And I even stopped myself from spouting off about how he should not have asked her to do this; and or commenting on how I question his intelligence if he can't solve this little problem on his own.

DAUGHTER: Oh, OK.

End of discussion.

Not perfect -- but better (I think).

[Barbara52]

My therapist, during the first session right after I describes the bare bones of my marriage to AH and my childhood, asked me just how often do I try and rescue folks and why do I think that is. Dang, that woman nailed right from the start. She's been great helping me work out the characteristics I picked up as a child and have held onto for 50+ years. I've got a long way to go but I'm on the right road now.

[historyteach]

Hmmm....
Recovery *is* all about progress,
and not perfection, right? :rof

Sometimes, I think I'm doing so well....
And then, I see one of these checklists....
And realize I'm right back at step one again! :puppet

Thanks for sharing, MG. I guess I'll have quite a bit to talk about with my counselor this week...

Shalom!

[sketscher]

OK I recognize that I fit the profile of a co-dependent. I see these characteristics in myself. I'm no longer with xabf (though to my surprise I sometimes miss him even after a year).

So how does one actually begin to recover? I guess my real question is, how do you pick a therapist? Or what might be the best path to recovery (aside from al-anon which I'm not comfortable attending)?

[karmakoma]

Great list.

I believe it is taken from Codependent No More (and perhaps should be credited as such), which was a godsend for me in helping make sense of my behaviours. I have just got out my copy and see that I marked an "X" next to an awful lot on those lists (and the ones that follow them) - I am going to see where I am now, 3 or so years down the line.

[Lilyflower]

I am a bit scared reading that list. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing better, and certainly have stopped one or two of those behaviours but oh my, I really have so much work to do. Reading through that made me feel very ill indeed.

I have my first appointment with a therapist next week and was actually thinking what do I say to her? I desperatley want help, but I have a fear inside me that is saying 'What if she doesn't think I need help? What if she tells me I just need to get on with things and stop making a fuss? Am I being too self absorbed? What if I just get a few appointments and then I'm told they don't need to see me anymore, when I feel like I still need to see them?' I don't want to go to my first session and beg to be analysed, but a part of me wants to. A big part of me wants to cry out to her 'Help me please! I'm so messed up and don't know what to do anymore?!'

I have begun to question everything I think and feel. I don't honestly know sometimes if my thoughts/feelings are coming from a healthy place or my codependency. Sometimes this fear is so big that I will say/do nothing just in case I make matters worse. I live in fear of doing/saying the wrong thing, because I may find myself in a situation that I cannot handle. Sometimes I do say what I feel and then go away and think 'Am I really feeling that?'

Mmmm, perhaps I should pop over to the mental health forum....

[Rella927]

Originally Posted by historyteach

Hmmm....
Recovery *is* all about progress,
and not perfection, right? :rof

Sometimes, I think I'm doing so well....
And then, I see one of these checklists....
And realize I'm right back at step one again! :puppet

Thanks for sharing, MG. I guess I'll have quite a bit to talk about with my counselor this week...

Shalom!

HaHa HistoryTe! I was just thinking the same thing! :rof

Thank you MG this was a great reminder of how far I have become on a good level! (And more to go!

[historyteach]

Originally Posted by sketscher

OK I recognize that I fit the profile of a co-dependent. I see these characteristics in myself. I'm no longer with xabf (though to my surprise I sometimes miss him even after a year).

So how does one actually begin to recover? I guess my real question is, how do you pick a therapist? Or what might be the best path to recovery (aside from al-anon which I'm not comfortable attending)?

Hi, Sketscher;
Finding a therapist is similar to finding a good doctor. Ask friends who may have gone to one, or who know of any. Call your local mental health center and ask. Ask your own physician for a referance. They have many.

And please don't be afraid to question or "interview" your therapist. There are some mighty good ones out there, but, there are others that are not. If you get a bum one, fire them and see another. Of course, you don't want the "easy way out." A good therapist *will* make you uncomfortable by making you think; dig deep. But, they will also be there to support you as you travel down that dark road of recovery.

I wish you well in your search.

Shalom!

[sierragal]

I'm somewhat disheartened by this list.. it's me me me! But, then, it's also a lot of people I know.

What does non-codependent look like? What am I striving for? That's to say, these are all things I don't want to do. What DO I want to be? What does normal and well-adjusted look like?

[Lilyflower]

Originally Posted by sierragal

I'm somewhat disheartened by this list.. it's me me me! But, then, it's also a lot of people I know.

What does non-codependent look like? What am I striving for? That's to say, these are all things I don't want to do. What DO I want to be? What does normal and well-adjusted look like?

Wish I knew, it would be nice to have a concrete goal other than, 'just not the way I am now'. I think thats why I have trouble trusting myself, I just don't know what 'normal' healthy minds think like. Also is there any such thing? Like you said Sierragal, 'Its also alot of people I know'.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by sierragal

...What does non-codependent look like? What am I striving for? That's to say, these are all things I don't want to do. What DO I want to be? What does normal and well-adjusted look like?

Originally Posted by Lilyflower

Wish I knew, it would be nice to have a concrete goal other than, 'just not the way I am now'. I think thats why I have trouble trusting myself, I just don't know what 'normal' healthy minds think like. Also is there any such thing?...

Here ya go, this is what healthy looks like to me

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-healthy.html (What is it like to be healthy?)

Mike

[Morning Glory]

I was the unhealthiest person I've ever known. I have PTSD. I had repressed memories that contributed to my codependency. I was so ill at one time I was hospitalized when a relationship ended. I was also hospitalized for a panic attack that was so severe that the adrenaline running through my body left me unable to move my arms and legs. I overdosed twice when I couldn't go on with the pain I felt. My father was an alcoholic. I've been in relationships with 3 alcoholics/addicts and both my children are alcoholics. My daughter has been sober for 13 years. My son has close to a year clean and sober.

I went through the worst of my illness 30 years ago and there were no therapists back then that could help me. They diagnosed me with an adjustment disorder and sent me on my way. I went to anything I could possibly find that would help me. I read every self help book. I felt so hopeless at times it took all my energy and faith just to stay alive. Putting one foot ahead of me was the hardest thing I ever tried to do. My recovery was complex.

One day after trying everything I could think of to help myself I just gave up.

We admitted we were powerless -- that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.


These are the steps that saved my life. I never went to al-anon. I never worked the steps. I never found a therapist that could help me. These steps came naturally when I hit bottom and couldn't get back up.

I started taking responsibility for all my emotions and behavior. It belonged to me and no one else. That didn't mean I knew how to change it. It just meant I was owning it. I had to own it before I could get better. I saw an image of a container within me that everyone had used for trash. Now I was stuck with that container full of trash. It might not have been my fault that the trash was in the container, but it was now my container and no one else was going to take that trash out. It belonged to me now.

Awareness

Through a 5 year process I became aware of the cause of my pain and my repressed memories surfaced. I faced my terrifying events I had blocked from my memory as a child. I became aware of my dysfunctional behavior and patterns that were caused by those childhood events. My fearless moral inventory was deep and not without fear. It hit the very core of who I am and it got pretty ugly at times.

Acceptance

Acceptance came through fear, anger, grief, and forgiveness of myself and others. Forgiving myself was the very hardest and took a lot of practice. It was easier to forgive others.

Action

After awareness and acceptance I was able to take action and change the dysfunctional patterns in my life. Coming out denial and taking responsibility made some of those changes easy. Other changes have been very hard. Letting go of guilt was by far the hardest. I still struggle with a lot of the things on the list above.

I was a hopeless case and I say with tears that there is always a way. There is always hope. My worst regret is that I wasted most of my days waiting for something tomorrow would bring. I can never get those days back. Live in today and make it the best day you can. Tomorrow is just another today.

[karmakoma]

I think it's only fair to the author that proper credit is given to them on the original post. Can this be arranged?

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by karmakoma

I think it's only fair to the author that proper credit is given to them on the original post. Can this be arranged?

I've been looking for the origial author for some time and have not found it. That list has been copied and re-copied all over the web for _years_. Usually with very minor modifications.

I suspect the original author was Melodie Beattie, in her book "Codependent no more". She has a very similar list starting on page 42 of the second edition, 1992. I don't have the first edition of her book (gave it away long time ago). Very similar check lists were floating around recovery hospitals back in the early 80's, so my guess is that Ms.Beattie took an existing therapeutic tool and applied it to her excellent series of books. She builds a full chapter in that book around that list, and it really helps to read the entire book to put the list in proper context.

Mike

[Morning Glory]

Here is the link.

There is no author that I can find.

Codependency… Begin to plan the escape shall it burn to the filter?

[karmakoma]

Here's a link to Melody Beattie's book, which is the original source. Very well worth a read if anyone relates to the list.
Amazon.com: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Books: Melody Beattie

[BohemiMamaof3]

I was also thinking it was from Beattie's book.

[Kassie2]

This is going to take some time to digest.

[luciddreamrgrl]

THanks for pulling this one up too Kassie. This also describes me pretty well. I'm always doing things to please others when I know it's not pleasing me. This was the case with my ex non alcoholic husband. I stayed in that relationship for 5 years because I thought leaving him would hurt him too much. Then, when I did leave, I was still "there" for him because he was threatening to kill himself. Terrible.

[Gypsy Feet]

All those people I "saved" from themselves. Its so hard to face that I wasn't acting saintly, and that I wasn't doing them justice. I am well into the recovery process. I cry a lot, and I am grateful a lot. I spend much time enjoy the moment, and still much time hoping/dreaming of a better place.

I thank God and the people on SR for helping shine a light on the door that I believe leads to a better way of life.

[lunarise]

and here I thought I wasnt codependent lol Thanks for posting the list