thinking and realizing

[cinderellawkids]

I was just reading through the thread hands off the alcoholic.

Several things came to mind. A4 years of amarriage to an alcoholic addict has been very bumpy, weve both been in and out of recovery most of it. Mine for codependence obvipously. This past year we were separated 2 times 3 months each. We are now trying again, but lots has changed with both of us and the way we communicate. Im still codependant, he's still an active binger but for the first time in our whole marriage we are friends.

Funny because before we were married, we started as friends. Many times during the rough spots he used to complain why cant you be my friend. Of course it was too tough cause his "mistakes" effected me and the kids, but more than anything we were effected because of how I reacted.

Weve been together for a month now, weird we havent fought. The 2 times Ive come home and he's been drinking rather than being my usual resentful angry self I asked him to leave me alone I didnt engage in an arguemtn or unecessary discussion and I bit my tongue to overwhelming urges to state the obvious or be sarcastic.
The other night when he was blabbering like he does after a binge night I told myself if he was just a friend how would I respond. So I did just that, I listened, I didnt try to show him his errs, how much I hurt or anything else I was his friend and kindly dismissed myself to go to bed. He acknowkedged all I could have said and more, he didnt take on the defensive and he told me what he thought he needed to do differently.

We are still taking one day at a time, but changing our way of dealing with each other and the issues has made us friends. We even discussed if we arent able to keep our marriage working and peace for the kids that we'd like to be friends.

And why I know hes disappointed in himself for actions earlier in the week, I am not emotionally hung over this time

[ICU]

Originally Posted by cinderellawkids

The other night when he was blabbering like he does after a binge night I told myself if he was just a friend how would I respond.

So I did just that, I listened, I didnt try to show him his errs, how much I hurt or anything else I was his friend and kindly dismissed myself to go to bed. He acknowkedged all I could have said and more, he didnt take on the defensive and he told me what he thought he needed to do differently.

That right there says so much. Not always easy to do, but it makes me smile when I see someone capable of doing that! Wonderful job cinderellakids!

[grateful2b]

wow cinder, the hope and light here through honest and open eyes, no matter the outcome you can feel real good about yourself and hopefully each other ,along the way. way to work it out.I really enjoyed your post ...thanks for sharing.
grateful

[cinderellawkids]

When the urge to speak to say something which may not be nice comes across I also try to remember my HP has my back, and he'd be happier if I said nothing and remained kind.

I never thought Id get here, I hope I can continue to be calm and quiet and let things be as they are going to be.
Somewhere along the way the past 6 months I became comfortable with whom I am. The times he's spoken harshly I barely heard his comments,a nd he seems to have stopped because they no longer helped him feel better when I didnt retaliate.

Funny how different things are when we just learn to control us our thoughts speech and actions. Im not saying he cant still be nasty, he sure could be, but I feel differently

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by cinderellawkids

When the urge to speak to say something which may not be nice comes across I also try to remember my HP has my back, and he'd be happier if I said nothing and remained kind.

I never thought Id get here, I hope I can continue to be calm and quiet and let things be as they are going to be.
Somewhere along the way the past 6 months I became comfortable with whom I am. The times he's spoken harshly I barely heard his comments,a nd he seems to have stopped because they no longer helped him feel better when I didnt retaliate.

Funny how different things are when we just learn to control us our thoughts speech and actions. Im not saying he cant still be nasty, he sure could be, but I feel differently

[FormerDoormat]

We are now trying again, but lots has changed with both of us and the way we communicate.

Detaching doesn't mean I have to hold my tongue or pretend it doesn't hurt when someone is engaging in a behavior I don't like. Holding my tongue when someone behaves unacceptably or irresponsibly doesn't improve communication. It hinders it and makes my resentments grow. I can share my feelings openly and honestly without berating someone.

Communication and friendship is a two-way street. I talk, my friends listen. My friends talk, I listen. I take my friends' needs into consideration, and they do the same for me. If I have to hold my tongue or hide my feelings in order to remain friends then my needs are not being met and I'm short changing myself.

We are still taking one day at a time, but changing our way of dealing with each other and the issues has made us friends.

If your husband is still drinking, what changes has he made?

[hope2bhappy]

When we change, the relationship changes.

[sketscher]

I love the term "emotionally hungover". I had that many times. I believe it's worse than a drunk hangover.

[bluejay6]

dear cinderella,
i hope he joins you in your recovery in the not-too-distant future. your marriage sounds lonely. but that can change. i wish you all the best....

[cinderellawkids]

If your husband is still drinking, what changes has he made?

He's not blaming, not projecting anger, not being mena and irrational, not calling names. The meaness on both sides have stopped.

We do communicate what we do not like but in a compassionate way, and at least for me I listen now and I admit I have always really cared what he has to say.

Some of his words are starting to produce actions, little ones but its happening

[itiswhatitis...]

cind,

great post and so true - people change - not everyone is destined to just keep repeating the same old crap - sometimes we get it, you know????

i love you and am so glad you're where you are right now...

s

[queenteree]

Cinderella, I loved reading your thread and I think you're doing great and what you have to do for you and your sanity. I too have just had that "revelation" on how it is what it is and I can't change him, etc. My AH is still drinking, although not anywhere as near as much at the moment. This past weekend, I thought, as he was passed out in his recliner, how lucky I am to have my kids, grandkids and even him. He's a good soul with a good heart (most of the time) and a disease, a disease that affects his mind and thinking at times and is going to kill him. And I probably am his only friend. He doesn't go out and drink, he drinks at home. I thought if I could just get past the anger and resentment I have toward him (which has slowly faded) and focus on what I have instead of what I don't, I could truly be happy. So when he woke up, I was making myself dinner and asked him if he wanted any, we both ate, watched TV and no angry words were spoken. For the first time in a long time, I actually had a peaceful weekend or should I say me and him actually had a peaceful weekend. It was nice. You may be on to something here!

[shakarris]

wow queentree what a great post. I wish to get there before I leave but I still hold resentment towards his drinking. When I get home at 4 pm and he is passed out - i just want to scream. I don't - I go about my business.

The last 2 nights he has staggered out of the bedroom around 6 pm looking for dinner - well we already ate and he was no where at the table. |I used to hold it warm - no more - have not for some time so not sure why he is surprized by it. It makes him mad and then the verbal crappola starts - I ignore by either going out for coffee, or just going to my computer. BUT it still makes me mad - i am learning to say nothing.. but there are times I wish I could just find that happy place to live and let live without upsetting myself cause I know there is nothing I can do

thanks for your words, I really do want to get to that spot

shakarris