What wxactly am I mourning?

[breaking point]

Am I mourning the cold eyes and hard fist? Am I craving the stench of alchol that fills the room when he comes home... if he comes home?? I know he's ****. I know I hated myself every time I gave in to him. So why when I see him now, and he's out drinking himself into a mess, why when he's cornered me and is screaming in my face, does it seem like all I do is look into his eyes and see the man I promised to love enternally and unconditionally?

[angelonmyshould]

I think you are mourning the fantasy of what a "real" marriage/relaytionship should be.
I still have moments like this (I'm still with my AH).
It's the storybook romance- the happily ever after.
But life is NOT a romance novel or a fairy tale that ends happily ever after.

[JT]

You are grieving the dream, not the reality. You could still be grieving that dream while you stayed. At least now you don't have to live the harsh reality.

[CBrown]

I could quote Angel and JT word for word. That fantasy still comes back to try to make me believe it was real. I think about the XABF getting married next month and for a second it bothers me. But then I remind myself of the reality - much like yours. I have to force myself to remember the true side of him - the side that threatened to call the cops on me when I wanted to talk with him about his addictions. I remember how I told him I would not stand for his cruel behavior in public, for the emotional abuse. I remember that it was ME who told him NO I would not marry HIM. How can a person have sour grapes when it's something I didn't WANT?! It's ridiculous!

I cannot help that the feelings come. But I can help how long they stay around. And I am DETERMINED they'll be gone as fast as they came.

[Janitw]

You are mourning what should have been hun.....just like the rest of us...welcome to reality....it's sad and very unforgettable.....

[AWEDA]

To me, after 25 years together the hurt and pain of watching someone I loved so much destroy his life and mine, I fell out of love with him. He became someone I thought he would never become. Looking back I see nothing but selfishness on his part. He always bought the best of everything for himself while the kids and I shopped at second hand stores and took other peoples furniture clothing whatever they gave us. I wanted a family he wanted to drink,it's as simple as that. I have been unable to locate him for 6 weeks now as I need to get him to sign the papers to sell our home. No one has heard from him,he could be dead somewhere for all I know. I beleive when you lose the love and respect for them it is very hard to get back.

[CBrown]

"I beleive when you lose the love and respect for them it is very hard to get back."

AWEDA, I share your feelings completely. I remember at the end facing away in bed from my XABF and when he put a hand on me, I pulled away. Right then I knew that old feeling I'd had with my XH years ago. When I pull away physically, it coincides with me pulling away emotionally, and that is all a result of losing love and respect.

Losing that love and respect doesn't mean that I don't still wish that he would save his life. It just means that our relationship as it was had ended. Now knowing what I know about him ... a much bigger picture ... I do not see how it is possible that I could ever get that love and respect back. Very sad, but I have a much better life now!