new to dating a recovering alcoholic

[smiler00]

I have posted already but not here but on another page - really looking for support at this time.
Two months in with a recovering alcoholic. have a young child too. Yes he is still drinking after going through rehab 18 months ago. He does attend AA meetings and sees a councellor once a week. yes my child will always come first in my life. I want to pursue my feelings for my new guy despite advise out there that I should turn and run. I am not out to judge, advise or change him. I feel I can see the real person in him and I guess i am just looking for an understanding forum where I can ask questions and vent when I need it (as my closest friends think I am off my head - of course they are looking out for me).

[denny57]

This is a great place for asking questions and venting. As long as I don't have any expectations about the answers I might get.

I spent a very long time jumping from place to place, person to person, to keep up a supply of those who would validate what I was doing. One by one, I burned them all out.

Nice to have you here!

[Barbara52]

Welcome. I know you are looking for posts supporting your decision to continue dating the man but I have to ask: If your child is your first priority, why in the world are you bringing your child into the world of madness that is involvement with an alcoholic? He is not a recovering alcoholic since he is actively drinking and using according to your posts. Why do you think you and your child do not deserve better form life?

Only you can decide what you want in your life. Please do consider your child since growing up in an alcoholic household has lifelong negative effects.

[Cynay]

Welcome to SR... I’m pleased to meet you.

I completely understand your desire to explore your feelings with your Alcoholic... I did it too and more then once. I find that Alcoholics very amazing people if the truth be told and if it were not that Alcoholism is a progressive disease and that means their personalities are always changing it might not be such a bad relationship in the beginning.

If your going to choose living with and loving an Alcoholic I would strongly suggest you start going to two Al-anon meetings a week and also an open AA meeting every week and start working now on a strong support system. There are a ton of books you can read on this issue as well, I think we have a stickies around here of them....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

There you go... I’m not sure how old your daughter is but there is also a program for young adults called Al-teen ... Because Alcoholism is a family disease you will want to keep in mind that your daughter will need some help with this in the future. I’m the Adult child of an Alcoholic and the first time I stepped into Al-anon was at 12 or 13 years old... I have been in one form of recovery or another every since and I can tell you that Al-anon was a life saver for me when my last relationship with an active alcoholic ended...

I look forward to getting to know you, stick around and get to know the gang... Amazing amount of knowledge here on SR and we are all about supporting new people.

[Lilyflower]

I've got to agree with Barbara, your 'recovering' bf doesn't sound as though he is in recovery at the moment. In other posts you have said he has used drugs and is drinking. What do you define as recovery? Knowing you have a problem is only the first step and although he has been sober before doesn't mean he will always stay that way.

Your son is very young (6yrs?) and very impressionable. By choice you are bringing him into the world of an addict and a drinker and all that chaos it brings with it. I can understand your desire to stay with him, as you love him dearly, and I too am living with an A with a daughter aged 9. I have a great fear of being alone, abandonment and a low self worth, all of which I am working on, and my abf is working on his drinking, starting with a counsellor on Monday and attending AA. This is why I stay, because I can SEE the efforts my abf is making toward his recovery and I know I am doing my best to heal MYSELF. From what you have posted it sounds as though your abf is NOT taking steps to heal and become sober again. IMHO it sounds asif he is slipping back down that slope, and what will stop him? You cannot.

I guess what I am trying to say is I would want to see some kind of commitment to recovery from abf. I would want some kind of reassurance that my 6 yr old wasn't about to be exposed to all the chaos, resentment, and emotional strain living with an active A can bring.

Bless you and keep posting.

Love
Lily xxxxxxxx

[queenteree]

Originally Posted by Lilyflower

I guess what I am trying to say is I would want to see some kind of commitment to recovery from abf. I would want some kind of reassurance that my 6 yr old wasn't about to be exposed to all the chaos, resentment, and emotional strain living with an active A can bring.

Bless you and keep posting.

Love
Lily xxxxxxxx

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic and I'm sorry to say, there can never be "reassurances" about being exposed to all the chaos, resentment, and emotional strain living w/an active A can bring. In 1989 I thought I had those reassurances for me and my (at the time) young kids. And all was well for over 14 years. Relapses can and do happen, then you are all back to the chaos, etc. If you chose to stay w/an A, in recovery or not, the chance of RELAPSE will always be there. Just letting you know cause I wish I had known that many years ago, my life would be alot different right now. Much peach and luck. Teree

[geees poncho]

Sharks are beautifull (from a distance)
Tigers are beautifull (from a distance)
Bears are beautifull (from a distance)
Cobras are beautifull (from a distance)
This reminds me of the story about the bee
keeper, in the nudist resort. ha ha
Lions and tigers and bears OH MY!!!!!
Go see the wizard Dorathy.

[FormerDoormat]

Once I was able to be honest with myself, I realized that as far as my boyfriend was concerned, the real person was a drunk. I used to look for people who would validate my feelings about staying in a relationship with an active addict. That's because deep down I knew I was shortchanging myself. When folks would challenge my decision to become entangled with an addict, I became angry or simply wouldn't listen. That's because I wasn't ready to hear the truth.

Are you ready to hear the truth?

[hope2bhappy]

In the early years of my relationship with AH, I felt so loyal and so noble that I was standing by him, helping him through it. How foolish this thinking was. I now realize that I was not noble at all, but had very low self-esteem. A healthy self-esteem does not tolerate the kind of mental and emotional turmoil an alcoholic/addict brings to the table.

I can support what you are going through and everything you are feeling, but to support your continued relationship with an active alcoholic you've only known for two months... well, I'd be encouraging you to remain sick.

[ARealLady]

Welcome to SR!

I wonder why you think your new BF is "recovering" if he is still drinking.

Please focus on keeping your child your main priority right now and don't lose your head to this new relationship.

Your closest friends only want what is best for you. I don't know you but I am inclined to think like them.

ARL