Here's My Problem

[bop]

Here's my problem and I don't know what to do. My ah has been doing real good lately ( not drinking for 3 months). We are staying home for the holidays with our kids. The problem is the middle of January is his parents will be married for 50 years. His dad is an A, both of his brothers are A. One brother hasn't drank in 8 years and the other started drinking again a few months ago. The whole family is planning a big party. I don't want to go or to let my kids go. I tried to use the excuse that our car will not make the 300 mile trip to his parents home. So the one brother that is drinking offered for his wife to drive me and the kids down with her. I know that at some point there will be a big drunk family fight. There is everytime we are all together. The only thing that makes me consider going is the fact that my mom lives in the same town. If we do go the kids and I will stay with her. Which will make everyone mad.I am also afraid that ah will start drinking again. Then our problems will start all over. I am not sure what to do.

[Barbara52]

I wouldn't worry about who gets mad whatever you decide to do. You aren't responsible for their reactions/feelings. You are responsible for deciding what is best for you and your family.

If your AH starts drinking again, that is his choice and again not your responsibility. Talk ahead of time about how to handle possible scenarios so that he can find what will work for him in maintaining sobriety.

You have the option of going to the party and leaving if you get uncomfortable. Stay at your mother's or a hotel. Leave if the situation gets beyond what you are comfortable with.

[ICU]

Hi Bop and welcome to our forum.

I would ask myself if drinking was not an issue, would I then want to go? If no, then there's the answer.

But if the only reason I don't want to go is because of the drinking, I would try to set up some boundaries beforehand. For example:

I would not put myself at the mercy of someone driving me to and from if I knew they had a drinking problem. I would always have an emergency exit plan involved, and, that usually means I would use my own method of transportation.

If I wanted to stay with my folks, then I would. Who cares if someone else gets angry.

I would decide beforehand at what point I would remove myself, and my children from the situation should drinking become out of hand. I know I can't predict with absolute certainty when a fight will break out or not, but, there are warning signs....people talking louder, angry words/tones being used etc. If I saw any of that, that would be my clue to exit with my children.

Yeah, I too would worry, or be concerned that in that environment that my S/O might be tempted to drink. I'd be lying if I were to say otherwise. But, knowing what I know now, I'm not responsible for his actions and choices, he is! If he decides to drink again, he doesn't have to wait for a special party!

You have time to think about it, so that's good. In the meantime, make yourself comfortable here. Read throughout the threads and in the stickies at the top of the forum.

Keep coming back!

[Rella927]

Welcome to SR bop! Glad that you found us.....

Both ICU and Barb gave some great advice....

If your answer is NO after the drinking is removed then there you have it! Great sound advice-

If you do want to go....it is your choice to stay at your mothers-it is the Holidays and you can mention that you would like to spend time there while your there! Try not to worry about what they think/how they will react as Barb stated-worry about YOU and YOUR KIDS...and what will make you happy not them!

Welcome....

[denny57]

I'd make sure I got myself there and left when it became uncomfortable. What does your husband think?

[bop]

If I do go I will ride with SIL that doesn't drink and she will take me to mom's anytime time I want to go. Her mother lives next door to mine and her and her kids will be staying there. She feels the same way I do about the drinking. The problem is our AFIL doesn't think him and his sons have a problem, it's us. "They are just having a good time ". We know he will belittle his son's that are not drinking.(he has done so in the past) Say that they are "hen pecked" I feel sorry for my MIL she really wants to see my boys and grandkids there.And I would go just for her. Because of the family drinking problem she has not see my kids for 2 years and the other grandkids for about a year.( She doesn't drive). This is day means a lot to her.

[Miss Pink]

Go to al-anon.

[hope2bhappy]

I, too, would like to know what your husband says. I would tell my AH how I felt. No rules against that. Expressing your own feelings is the only control you have over this situation. (Except for deciding that you won't go at all.)

[bop]

My husband ANd I have talked about this. H e says he understands my feelings. He wants to see his mother. I think we have come up with an idea. We will go with SIL, go over to his parents house for a few hours and then go stay at my mom's house. The next day if we go over to his parents in the morning and stay until late afternoon,he will still be able to see all the friends and family. We plan on leaving for my moms when the drinking starts. His brother that doesn't drink anymore is very supportive of this idea and understands my AH problem. He says he will help and they will stick together. I am very relieved and hope and think this might work. And everyone gets what they want. MY MIL is very happy that she will be able to see her grandkids. If things don't work i always have my mom's house to go too.

[ICU]

I'm glad you came up with a plan that you feel comfortable with!