To startingover2 and everyone else

[gravelgirl66]

I read your post, man that sure sounds familiar. I am gonna be brutally honest, and tell you some stuff, you probably dont wanna hear... First off, to me addiction is addiction. My ex husband was a heavy drinker, but his primary love was Meth (crank)... All I KNOW is this situation is not gonna get better.

You know the saying "hindsight is 20/20" - Maybe you will understand years from now as I have... but there was One, REALLY defining moment in our relationship, and I WISH TO GOD... that I would have made a diffrent decision. I spent most of my pregnancy alone, I went to the doctor's appt. alone... Our daughter will be four in Jan... spent holidays alone... he would flitter in and out and throw out my bone as i called it, (tell me what I wanna hear) and off he would go and all promises to change out the window. I went over two weeks on my DD and my doc finally wanted to induce. He did Actually drive me to the hospital.

Where he LET ME OUT at the door. And drove off. I walked alone to the maternity ward. I held the nurse's hand during my epidural. I was in labor all day, alone, and not for several years later did I find out he went "shopping" and the the bars. The nurse held my hand when I got my epidurals. Finally my best friend got there in the nick of time... he finally showed up drunk, looked at her in the nursery and left... Never held her, never even spoke to me.... The next night, my best friend, had a "frank" talk with me, and said _______ I am telling you, he is messed up, a piece of trash, jerk, and it is never gonna be diffrent till he seeks recovery..... " Me of course, I made excuse after excuse for him... He never even came to get me at the hospital... he was at home "sleeping it off" - to this day, I wish I had made a diffrent decision... I wish I had the guts to tell him to get the F outta my house and it be "over" and meant it... But I didnt...

From there progessed a downward spiral of another year of agony and hell... the good "moments" were few and far between... Now I am divorced.. and trust me eventually, Your love for them dies... I dont hate him... I dont wish ill will, but my only "caring" is b/c of our child together... and really, that has basically died... he makes remidial efforts to even see her... and he still is on his path of destruction... He is sober from meth... but the alchohol continues...

to my point... find it inside of you somewhere to love your child MORE THAN your wants, your needs, your desires... Its easier said than done... I know.. .I thought i would DIE without him.... turns out, I didnt.... And really I HAVE the BEST of Him.... in her....

[Kindeyes]

GG66
Powerful post. Here is a gentle hug to you for your pain and for your journey in recovery.

I love "I have the best of him IN HER".

I hope you will someday not look back at your decisions at that time with any sense of regret. You did what you did at the time you did it because it just was. You did what you thought was best at that time.

It seems so very long ago when I was married to my A son's father. I didn't realize that he was addicted (perhaps I should have but I didn't). While I was in the final stages of the very long and difficult birth of my son, my ex said "This is sooooooo boring." I thought "the birth of your child is boring?" wow.

Our marriage only lasted a year and a half into my son's life before I realized that I could not continue to be a mother to my husband AND to my young son. I knew that life without my husband would be better than our life with him.

I don't regret that year and a half that I stayed with him after our son was born. It was what I needed to do to be sure that I was making the right decision.

[Startingover2]

Originally Posted by gravelgirl66

to my point... find it inside of you somewhere to love your child MORE THAN your wants, your needs, your desires... Its easier said than done... I know.. .I thought i would DIE without him.... turns out, I didnt.... And really I HAVE the BEST of Him.... in her....

Wow...that is a powerful statement. I do love my daughter more than him. I do feel the need to keep her safe and away from this madness. I am sad because of the broken promises, the lies, the cheating, the addiction, and now how his issues will affect our child. But you are right...I do have the best of him...in her. That is awesome. Thank you.

[gravelgirl66]

I know how you feel... the lies, cheating, deception... all took such a heavy toll on me... but when i looked and still look at her... I know I made the right decision. It took me A LONG TIME.. to get there... she was almost 2 when I filed for divorce... and the GUILT oh god, that was so horrid.. "how could I take her away, how could I break up the family" how could I ______-you fill in the blank, and I have heard it...

I remember riding down the road, about a week before I filed for divorce, and this song came on the radio, to this day, it is my song to her... Everytime, even now, when I hear it, makes me tear up... but now they are HAPPY tears..... It helped give me the strength to do what I should have done long before.... I wanted to be someone who she is proud of... and every weakness I find in myself, I look at her, and I find strength...

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

[guineapigjude]

(((((gg66)))))) You are amazing!
I am blown away by what you've written. You've articulated it so beautifully!
I stayed with my XAH in similar circumstances for a long time. The man I used to know (or thought I knew, or imagined ...) is still there, in my kids.
Thanks for the Christmas gift!

[ICU]

Every post on here is amazing. I'd like to suggest making this a sticky, please!

[Startingover2]

I agree....I have been looking at this post all day long. I have heard that song so many times but never really thought about the words. So beautiful.

I don't want my Ah to come back without being sober. I have choices now as he doesn't live here. As much as I do love and miss him our home is peaceful now.

[FormerDoormat]

Ding, ding, ding, ding! Lights flashing, balloons and confetti falling from the ceiling, the audience rises to it's feet in a standing ovation.

Congratulations, you've just uttered the magic phrase:

I HAVE CHOICES!

[Wascally Wabbit]

Originally Posted by gravelgirl66

... I know.. .I thought i would DIE without him.... turns out, I didnt.... And really I HAVE the BEST of Him.... in her....

what an extremely powerful post. It brought back memories of my first child's birth and their daddy doing the same thing. He went out drinking while I was in labor. My best friend came to my side.
I almost wish I didn't have to remember that.

I too thought I would DIE without him. I also feard I would DIE if I stayed with him because he was a daily abuser. I had a black eye or bruises every day I was married to him.
Leaving was an incredible relief.
This was 29 years ago.
He is now serving a life sentance for beating and raping a woman so severely she almost died.

[Pajarito]

Holy cow- I'm at work tearing up. This is an amazing post and so timely for me. I decided yesterday to file for divorce from my AH of 12 years! I am scared and very, very sad, but I KNOW I will be ok. I have a beautiful daughter too- 10 yrs., and find what you said- that you got the best of him- in her- to be such an amazing statement. I absolutely love it. For many years I felt like I had to stay in our marriage for my daughter- that I would be a failure if I left- tearing the family apart, etc. But I also had that little voice inside of me asking- well, what about me? That little part of me has grown, and now I know it is so much better for her to have at least one healthy parent.

I have been wondering where the man I married is. . . Maybe who he was was my illusion. (as GPJ said.) Despite who he was/is I do know he gave me a beautiful daughter, and I will always be grateful to him for that. I feel so lucky- to finally understand what recovery means, to have a healthy future in front of me, to have her with me, and to know I can always count on you people to be so incredibly human and insightful in the best possible ways. Thank you.

[Kindeyes]

oh my. I revisited this post and I too began leaking. I realize that I never really had very good things to say about my ex (the father of my A son). I did so much damage to my son through my poor behavior and insensitive words. I think I will give my son a big hug and tell him that I was blessed with the best of his father.....in him.

[Startingover2]

I just had to tell you about my night last night. I was laying in bed and was watching my stomach move with our unborn child. I am 25 weeks now. You can really see it now. Anyway, I was thinking about this thread and how I do have the best of H in her. My love for him is in her.

Just then I got a text message from H.
H: Tell baby daddy loves her and you two sleep good.
Me: I will. I was just laying here watching her move all around. You can totally see it.
H: That's awesome. Maybe I can see it sometime.
Me: You shouldn't be missing this stuff. Makes me very sad.
H: Me too. Good night.

How sad. The thing is that I truly don't think he is getting it yet. He thinks I am trying to keep him from his child just to control him. He is not seeing its because of his actions or lack of actions in some areas. Because he needs to decide if he wants to be a family man or single man and sober up for good. Its sad, but I just don't think he gets it.

[Kindeyes]

Startingover2

I'm in a little different position than you are at this point. I watched my A son and his girlfriend go through pregnancy and the birth of their child two years ago. I am still observing their interactions with each other and doing my best to stay out of their business. They do not live together and are doing the best they can to co-parent their son.

Its a long story so I won't go into it here but I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it was to watch their story unfold. I tried to intervene at points and realized (quickly) what a huge mistake that was. She was trying to change him. He was trying to change her. They were both being so hard headed I just wanted to scream.

Your post reminds me of the sweet, kind gentle times that my A son interacted with his girlfriend while she was pregnant. Those were precious times that were punctuated with blackouts and all the other bad stuff that goes along with alcoholism.

Jump ahead now to the present.........he is struggling in his recovery. She is going to school, working, and living with her parents. I get to take care of my sweet little grandson almost every Saturday. We are all in a pretty ok place. It's not perfect. It's not the Ozzie & Harriet style family. But we are ok. All of us.

gentle hugs to you and your sweet little girl who is growing in your tummy and being nourished by your love.

[Startingover2]

He does sound like your son. He can be the kind and sweet man I knew at one time, but then again can drink a case of Coors Light in a day and be falling down drunk.

I am afraid that my life and this baby's life will turn out to be just like your son and girlfriend. I need to let go of the fantasy that my ultimatums are going to do the trick.

Thank you so much for your post. Means alot.

[Cynay]

Sticky it is for today.

[wraybear]

I had a drunk in the delivery room with me during a C-Section. The next delivery, he almost missed becuase he left the delivery room... probably to go get a drink out in the car. He barely made it back in time.

I was sick/insane/crazy to have put up with him for all those years.

I will share one thing that has made a huge difference with my two older kids vs my two younger kids. BE HONEST WITH THEM. I didn't want to talk about dad's problem. Wanted to avoid it, ignore it, hide it, etc. With the two younger ones, (now ages 8 and 11) they know all about alcoholism and what it does. I beg you to not make the mistake I did by trying to cover it up. The kids know somehting is wroing, and if you don't tell them, they will think THEY have done something wrong. TELL THEM THE TRUTH. Tell them dad is sick with alcoholism - explain it to them, then they will know, understand, comprehend that dad's behavior is not their fault.