my husband

[maryl]

My name is Mary and I am dealing with my husbands alcohol problem and have for the last 4 years. We have two children and are trying to make a better life for ourselves but the drinking gets in the way. My oldest son is seeing what this does to me and our family and is quick to voice out his oppinons. I thought his would be enough to wake him up but not. He has ruined all our holidays and recently screwed up mothers day for me AGAIN. I am trying to hang in there but the stress is getting to me. I have to admit he hasn't drunk in a week but I am waiting for the other shoe to fall and I know I am wasting energy on nothing. I have told my husband last week that either he does something about his problem or my kids and I will be making a life on our own. I have no regular income of my own but am willing to do what it take if he doesn't sraiten out. I do realize he has started a new job with more hours just this week but is it too much to ask for himm to go to AA or some support group. I love him dearly but my life and my kids life are important too. Please help me to understand the journey I am starting. Thanks

[LettingGo]

Welcome to SR Mary!

It is good to have you! Along will come many wise people who will help you out. I qualify for Alanon which is people who have alchoholics in thier lifes as well as AA. Go figure.... in any case I can relate to both sides of the fence! A unique perspective I guess! LOL In any case your coming here will help greatly. If you continue to read and post you will get to know a lot of people whos story is just like yours. The Alanon program offers a lot of tools to help you manage your life regardless of if your A is drinking or not. It is a wonderful, freeing program that works by you working it! If you are so inclined, try a meeting on a face to face basis. It is awesome, you dont have to share if you dont want to. I remember the first time I went I identified right away with the people. Although stories may vary a bit much of the feelings and the solutions are the same. Good luck!
LG

[corvettte_angel]

Hey--
I'm glad you are here. I wish you luck on any decision you make. Hope you can find some smiles and a little relief!
Love you!
--Ångel

[liddy]

HI Meryl
let me offer my welcome and support. This is a great caring place to start that journey. I started on an alanon chat line and was soon encouraged to find a f2f alanon meeting, when i became crazy enough i did just that.
We have choices, we can continue the crying and pleading for them to stop but if they are truly alcoholic they cannot. They may know they have a problem or not, the main thing is try as we might we cannot save them or recover them from the bottle.
What alanon has done for me is get myself in recovery through the tools of the program and my HP I can begin to change those things in me that made me so (mentaly) sick. I dint know i too had a problem at first but as time went on I saw that my reactions to things was anything but normal.

Glad your here Meryl and do keep coming back !
God Bless
liddy

[maryl]

Thank you for the encouragment. I am happy to say he hasn't had a drink yet but now I have to deal with the mood swings.

thanks again! Maryl

Mary,
Thats really exactly how I feel today. I am really glad he hasn't had a drink, but I could do without the mood swings! Guess you can't have your cake and eat it too. I keep getting on him about it too, because I keep hoping it will help him admit to himself that he is having a hard time. Good luck to you and to him.
Maria

[EmotionalMeg]

Hi Mary,
Have u been to an alanon meeting? Would you be interested? Of course us 12-steppers will reccomend the program highly - It brings you information and realization about the disease of addiction, and the role YOU play in the relationship to it.

My husband is an alcoholic and a crack addict - he is almost 2 months sober... still WORKING his program, which right now is saving his life. I have been a member of Alanon for a little over a year.

I wish I had a few hours to sit down and explain to you all that I've learned about myself and alcoholism etc... I remember well the feelings you are experiencing right now. I remember feeling angry at him so many times... like I believed that if he REALLY cared, he would find a way to end this. I even took it apon myself to "end it" for him; In desperation, I made an appointment with a drug and alcohol counsellor. The first words out of my mouth? "My husband is an alcoholic... What can I do to get him to stop drinking?". Of course the answer is that I cannot DO anything. This counsellor of course, suggested I try Alanon. I was desperate - I hated thinking that I was joining some religious cult, but I went anyway. After being frustrated and angry at being told that I was POWERLESS to "help" my husband... I stopped speaking, and just listened. Eventually I realized MY part in this disease. I cried, I begged, I screamed and yelled... I enabled beyond belief. Yup... I was "sick" too.

And heres where the healing came in. I began to learn about detachment... I stopped reacting to his drinking / using, and tried VERY hard to put ME first. I even had to "fake it" for a while. I learned about "letting go" of all the resentments... letting go of the past - focusing only on TODAY.

And as confusing as it was... as hard as it was to CHANGE the way I was behaving - It worked! Well... I am not cured . But I have a sense of peace, less worry... I actually ENJOY my life; and because it's MINE. Even when my husband was still using, I didn't let my mind take me to the obsessive behaior I was so used to. I kept telling myself HANDS OFF THE ADDICT!! And focused on taking care of myself. Eventually it became easier to do this, than when I was scared, worried, frantic, and angry at him.

Anyhow - I didn't mean to ramble on; there is lots more to my story but I hate being long-winded :p

Glad u are here!
It'll come to you
Take care, Meg

[maryl]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. You are right we are powerless because they are the only ones who can have the will to change. I straight out told my husband last week that if he has no intention of quitting then tell me now because I have no more time for broken promises. I told him if he had no intention don't even go there and we can start seperating the bills and he can find a new place to stay. I am not employed and only work from my home not making much on my own, but regardless, I am not scared as to what will happen if I must part ways. My sons mean the world to me and if I must go alone I will. Not to say that if he goes well as he has I want to give a chance but I must draw A line in the sand at some time. Thanks for your words of encouragement!!
maryl