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Old 11-13-2007, 12:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Question When do they hit rock bottom?

I am married to a man who is a severe alcoholic. He is sweet, funny, and hard working when sober but when he drinks he doesn't know how to stop for one. He has punched a whole in my windshield of car twice, pushed me, blocked me from leaving the house, called me horrible names, has a dui, involved in a hit and run while drunk, got into fights, broken lamps, windows, mirrors and on and on..... What the hell. This has all happened in the 3 1/2 years we have been together. He has made numerous promises and even said he would quit completely 10 or more times. The longest I've seen him go without a drink is one week. Oh and I am 4 mos. pregnant. I am going to leave him one day soon when I am ready. I don't know what else to do and it breaks my heart. TO ALL OF YOU RECOVERING ALCOHOLICS-- HOW AND WHEN DO YOU REACH BOTTOM? WHAT DO I DO TO HELP HIM AND MYSELF? TO LOVED ONES OF ALCOHOLICS-- ANY ADVICE?

rlynnh in California
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Old 11-13-2007, 12:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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We reach bottom when we're ready, and we all have different bottoms. I was very much like your AH, a functioning alcoholic, husband, and father, but Jekyll and Hyde in my disease. And nobody could've convinced me that I had a problem.

What you can do is protect yourself and start on your recovery. Al-Anon is a great place to get started. Have you tried any meetings yet?

Welcome to SR, always good to have someone new join us.

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Old 11-13-2007, 12:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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((rlynnh))

Welcome to our SR family.

Congratulations on being 4 months pregnant - what a wonderful blessing.

I have a couple of alcoholics/addicts in my life - what I have learned thru these many, many years is (as strange as it may sound) the best thing that I can do for them is nothing for them and lots of stuff for me.

By stuff for me - I mean attending al-anon meetings, posting here at SR, working with a sponsor, reading recovery literature and setting healthy boundaries. I work on always having a Plan B - extra hidden cash, my own vehicle, exit strategy, a couple of friends I could call 24/7 that I can stay at their house if I need a safe place.

By nothing for them - I mean no lies to cover their drinking or using, no covering their money problems, no denial of the problem, no putting their needs or wants before my needs.

This of course is a work in progress - continually I work toward maintaining this healthy relationship with the people that I love that suffer from this disease - it's not easy - but I know I am worth it. I deserve this wonderful thing called recovery and rlynnh, please know that you do too.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
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Old 11-13-2007, 02:09 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I reached my bottom when my AH chose to allow his ex wife to insult be and scream at me in my own home. That was the last straw in all the stuff I put up with in 4 yrs of marriage. I also finally understood that I was not helping him by protecting him from the consequences of his choices.

I left and will be filing for divorce. He has stopped drinking but still does not admit to being an alcoholic and of course isn't in any sort of recovery program. I don't know when or if he will hit his bottom. But that is no longer my problem. I want nothing more for him than him to find his way into recovery but I cannot do anything to help him get there.

You have my prayers as you struggle with all that is going on in your life.
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Old 11-13-2007, 02:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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You cannot help an alcoholic who won't take steps to help himself. He will continue to damage you until you stop allowing him to.

When you have a child, he or she will be exposed to this madness as well, and will join the ranks of the Adult Children of Alcoholics, who carry the burden of that madness. I still wake up from nightmares brought on by the arguing, the shouting, the breaking, the insanity. And I'm 30 years away from it now. Check in over at that forum if you want to see how we turn out. It's not pretty.

For your own sake, and for your child's, I suggest starting by taking tiny small steps to recover your own life, happiness, and sanity. You did not cause his alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. All you can do is begin your OWN road to recovery, establish some boundaries and stick to them. SR is a great resource (read the Sticky posts at the top of the forum), as are Al-Anon meetings, and the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. They've all helped us. I wish you luck and strength on this road....you deserve better.

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Old 11-13-2007, 03:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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you can never help an alchoholic. from what i understand the more alchoholics drink the faster they will hit rock bottom
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Old 11-13-2007, 04:13 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by rlynnh View Post
HOW AND WHEN DO YOU REACH BOTTOM? WHAT DO I DO TO HELP HIM AND MYSELF? TO LOVED ONES OF ALCOHOLICS-- ANY ADVICE?
I reached the bottom of my codependency after traveling a road of denial for 3 years, when my heart was utterly broken. I was the one I needed to save. From that point onward, I set out to save my heart, my sanity and my world. Options became very black and white. I knew what I had to do, it hurt like hell, but I knew I was at stake and I needed to be my own hero.

I credit myself, Al-anon, my therapist, "codependent no-more" and SR.

I am so sorry you are hurting so much.

Congrats on being a future mom!
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Old 11-13-2007, 06:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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some of them(us too) never hit rock bottom - save yourself and your unborn child....keep coming here and reading and posting....your path will become clearer to you whichever path you choose...i agree with the recommendation of reading codependent no more....may i also suggest getting them sober - vol 1 and women who love too much....blessings...
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Old 11-13-2007, 07:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I'm afraid I'm gonna hit it before she does.
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Old 11-14-2007, 06:02 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Who says that they have to hit bottom?? Bottom may be his death. It may be him killing you or your baby!

The real question is ......What is your bottom??
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Old 11-14-2007, 07:10 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I wish to high heaven that I had left while I was pregnant, gotten on with grieving, and found a man who knows how to respect me. I did not. It just got worse. Now there is the threat of him going to jail, him blaming me for that... domestic abuse, raising a child alone both emotionally and financially...It has not been fun to say the least. I have been severely mentally abused, and there is no reason for it.

My son will be three in January. I am you in three years. Please do what you can to put him in the proper place in your life. He must have a secure home, a basic income, and he must not drink around your child or you. These are some basic boundaries.
Do leave. Do find a way to be happy with your child. My near three year old has seen more sadness and drama than I would have ever dreamed I would allow. It is progressive, and it gets harder to leave the more time that goes by.My A now has me, by my own admitted fault in a guilt trap. It is a guilt trap of his imagination, but I am so isolated, and so sad. Please... seek assistance from your family, and friends, and always ask your self if the person you are spending energy on loves you.
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Old 11-14-2007, 08:10 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rlynnh View Post
TO ALL OF YOU RECOVERING ALCOHOLICS-- HOW AND WHEN DO YOU REACH BOTTOM?
Hi rlynnh,

How does an alcoholic hit bottom? That one is simple: by drinking. When do they hit bottom? That is a very personal question as the answer will be unique for each individual.

I think those that have not struggled with alcoholism think of bottoms in terms of events: a dui, a divorce, loss of a job, etc. Those events are external consequences. My understanding of a bottom is when you reach a point where you just can't live like that anymore and the only options are not to live or making recovery your #1 priority. Each person needs to reach this point on their own, I don't believe they can be brought there by others.

Just as alcoholics are powerless over alcohol, we are powerless over others. The best anyone can do is make good decisions for themselves and avoid being brought down by the bad decisions of those around them.
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Old 11-14-2007, 08:31 AM   #13 (permalink)
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yea you might as well make yourself the priority in this situation. I think being sucked in by an alcoholic and feeling sorry for them and wanting to help them really does make them worse...
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Old 11-14-2007, 12:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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My ex A husband never did. He drank and drank and drank. He was a DOLL when he was sober, and a monster when drunk. Drank and drove, got DUIs, called me all kinds of names, made threats - and was just a psycho when drunk. We were married 7 months and I left - and we dated for THREE years before and I NEVER knew he was an addict!

He had 4 episodes of bleeding esophageal varices during a period of 9 years - never hit rock bottom.

(Esophageal varices are dilated blood vessels within the wall of the esophagus. Patients with cirrhosis develop Portal Hypertension. When Portal Hypertension occurs, blood flow through the liver is diminished. Thus, blood flow increases through the microscopic blood vessels within the esophageal wall. As this blood flow increases, the blood vessels begin to dilate. This dilation can be profound. The original diameter the of blood vessels is measured in millimeters while the final, fully established, esophageal varix may be 0.5 to 1.0 cm or larger in diameter. These blood vessels then continue to dilate until they become large enough to rupture. When esophageal varices rupture, patients become acutely ill. In fact, 50 percent of patients with esophageal varices will eventually bleed from the varices. The mortality rate for esophageal variceal bleeding, on the first event, is between 40 and 70 percent. Mortality is due to multiple factors: Liver failure, sepsis, exsanguination (also known as bleeding to death), cerebral edema, complications associated with anemia.)


I witnessed him bleed ONCE - it was his 2nd time - and trust me, it is something NO ONE ever wants to witness. He died when he had his 4th episode of EV's 2 years after I fled for my life - most don't make it beyond once.

Alcoholics are always nice when they are sober - but how often is that? If he is violent - save yourself, and leave. Take care of you!
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Old 11-14-2007, 12:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Thentram View Post
Hi rlynnh,

How does an alcoholic hit bottom? That one is simple: by drinking. When do they hit bottom? That is a very personal question as the answer will be unique for each individual.

I think those that have not struggled with alcoholism think of bottoms in terms of events: a dui, a divorce, loss of a job, etc. Those events are external consequences. My understanding of a bottom is when you reach a point where you just can't live like that anymore and the only options are not to live or making recovery your #1 priority. Each person needs to reach this point on their own, I don't believe they can be brought there by others.

Just as alcoholics are powerless over alcohol, we are powerless over others. The best anyone can do is make good decisions for themselves and avoid being brought down by the bad decisions of those around them.
This could not be said any better! My thoughts are ditto on this above.

Welcome to SR I do hope that you stick around and keep posting and please take care of you and that little one!

I know that my XABF has not hit his bottom as he is still haunting me to this day-he has tried to make himself the victim now. Which is his choice-my choice was and is to move on!

I hit my bottom when I could not manage my own life anymore and everything was falling apart around me. It was then that I realized I need to help myself and started counseling again and going to my Al-Anon meetings and coming here every moment that I can because SR and the people in it have given me the hope, strength, courage and inspiration to progress in my recovery! I leave the wreckage behind and let those who are creating wreckage to keep doing it to themselves and I choose not to allow them to do it to me or myself do it to me either any longer!

Read above it says it all in this quote! Thank you Thentram!

Healing thoughts and Prayers to you Rlyn
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Old 11-14-2007, 08:24 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I am hoping that my husband hit bottom last week. He claims that he is done, but I do not believe that he is taking the right steps to stay sober. He is going to therapy, but only once every 1 1/2 weeks or so. I wish that he would go into an outpatient program or at least go to AA and get a sponsor. I worry about him so much. I worry that if he chooses to drink again, that he won't be so lucky next time. He could lose so much, not only me - but a great job, and the love of his family.
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Old 11-15-2007, 05:44 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I think rock bottom has happened for my AW. She had pancreatitis with only a 7% chance of making it out alive. After a one month stay in the hospital she is still walking. She is now in her 90 meetings in 90 days and is back in the program. :praying I think this really scared her. I think bottom can be death for a lot of A's. I hate waiting this out.
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Old 11-16-2007, 07:48 AM   #18 (permalink)
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My husband has had pancreatitis 3 times. The longest he stayed in the hospital was 10 days. That is the main reason that it scares me when he continues to drink. I worry that he will end up back in the hospital and have a more severe attack.
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Old 11-16-2007, 07:55 AM   #19 (permalink)
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I almost wish my XABF would have a medical emergency of some sort. Maybe it would be his "bottom." He is so egocentric he thinks he's bulletproof. If he had something hit him like that, maybe his ego would kick in and he'd do something about saving himself. As it is, he thinks he can drink hard indefinitely and live through it.

It seems like it would be better than his heart giving out without warning. Then again, sometimes that seems like it would be a blessing for him, too. **sigh**
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Old 11-16-2007, 10:59 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Hi folks ive hit my bottom yesterday, it's a good feeling to be free, it's been a long misrable couple of years. My xab will hit his bottom when he's good and ready. after detaching for months, i was drawn back to the drama, all because i thought i could be his friend DUGH!!! this time is different I feel different inside. Like alcoholics us codies will only get to this stage when WE really want to.

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