dating an alcoholic - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

almattie · 11-12-2007, 10:08 AM

I am not sure what led me here but I hope someone can help me.
I have been dating a guy for eight years now. I can't seem to get him to understand where I come in , and how his problem is affecting me. I tend to be the one up at home, late at night worrying about him. Where is he at, is he alive, or dead in a ditch? I never know. This past weekend for example; I took my son to see a movie, this guy went to go watch the game amd hang out with some commrads. We had made an agreement that we would meet later, back at my house. Well 11:00 rolls around and I have not heard a word from him. I called him and asked what time could I expect him. He continued to say that he was not coming home that night he was too drunk to drive and he did not have his truck anyways. Fine, I hung up and was done with it. He called me back and said he would call a cab. I said no stay where you are at, you are where you want to be. I continued off to sleep, as if I were sleeping. He comes into my house around three in the morning. He had gone out with his friends to a bar and when they were done with that they decided they were going to waffle house. Here is my thing, you can't pay for a cab ride home but you can pay to go to the bar and to waffle house. They ended up getting pulled over by the cops. His argument was that he wasn't driving. Mine is that out of respect you should do what you say you are going to do. He sould have called me and said the cab thing did not work out and he was

trying to find a ride home, or he should have stayed put. I am tired of being the one left at home while he goes out and hangs out, drinks, tokes, and has no consideration for me in the world. There is way more to this situation , to much to continue.

Barbara52 · 11-12-2007, 10:38 AM

Sorry you are in pain. Have you tried Alanon yet? Do lots of reading in here and start understanding what you are dealing with and what your options are.

almattie · 11-12-2007, 10:47 AM

I have not, and I am not real sure what Alanon is? This is my first experice with this. Could you lend me some information on alanon?

Barbara52 · 11-12-2007, 10:55 AM

You will find what folks calls Stickies here. Lots of useful information.

AlAnon is a group for those of use living/dealing with an alcoholic in our lives. It helps us focus on ourselves rather than the alcoholic in our lives. Not everyone find it to their taste. You will find lots of information and very supportive people in here.

Lilyflower · 11-12-2007, 11:03 AM

The web address www.al-anon.org

Also the stickies here are fab!

Lily xxxxxx

lilac · 11-12-2007, 11:13 AM

The stickies are fabulous! The people here are priceless !

So sorry you are going thru this right now, you have come to the right place.

almattie · 11-12-2007, 11:19 AM

I keep looking for these "stickies", where are they? I found a few on the opening forum page, but none that offer any help to me. HELP!!!

Lilyflower · 11-12-2007, 11:28 AM

They're at the top of the Friends & family forum. Try opening up 'Classic Reading'. There are many links on this sticky.

Remember that these will empower YOU! They are full of info about how to prevent enabling, becoming your own person again etc.

As another idea, I would search under Ann & Minnie's names. Both these guys seem to have pretty eye opening posts.

Other folks may know of some more....

Lilyflower · 11-12-2007, 11:34 AM

A few to get you going....
http://www.ceu-hours.com/gts/gts1.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...feel-like.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ipulation.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rve-happy.html (You Desrve to be Happy)

almattie · 11-12-2007, 11:35 AM

Thank you, I have located them and I look forward to gaining ensight. I really appreciate the help.

Lilyflower · 11-12-2007, 11:38 AM

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ness-life.html (The Newness of Life)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ou-choose.html (Feel Whatever You Choose)

denny57 · 11-12-2007, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by almattie

I am tired of being the one left at home while he goes out and hangs out, drinks, tokes, and has no consideration for me in the world.

Welcome, almattie, glad you're here!

What are you getting out of this relationship? Is it enough to cancel out the hanging out, drinking, toking and no consideration? Sounds like he is going to do what he wants; what will you do that doesn't involve trying to get him to change?

almattie · 11-12-2007, 01:16 PM

denny57,
I'm not getting what I need, that's for sure. But the problem is that I love him, we have been together now for eight years. He continues to mess up on the weekends and when Monday comes around here he is saying I just want to have a good weekend with you. Well what happened to the weekend that just passed. I continue to give and give and I'm not sure what I am getting besides, misery. Why do the enablers continue to enable? Why can't we just stop?

denny57 · 11-12-2007, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by almattie

Why do the enablers continue to enable? Why can't we just stop?

We can, but it's hard work.

I cannot give my power over to someone else to make my life, let alone my weekends, what I want them to be. That comes from me. I understand you've been together 8 years; AH and I were together 18. I finally got tired of not being happy in the relationship.

almattie · 11-12-2007, 02:42 PM

This is so nice to have someone to talk to someone who knows your pain. My abf is sitting at home right now drinking while at the same time asking me how can he make this right. He does not get that he has to change within himself. I can move on, I realize that it may take time, but after reading all of this I know that I am worth it. I keep begging for him to stay, when I should be begging for him to leave. I hate that so many people deal with the same situation. He and I have gotten into physical altercations when the alcohol increases the anger. I hate it and I hate him when he is like that. I have a nine year old son, that I need a good role modle for, I guess I was just waiting for my

abf to grow up and become that man in my sons life.

Barbara52 · 11-12-2007, 03:43 PM

If you can't take action for yourself, do it for your sons sake. He doesn't deserve to grow up with an alcoholic as his role model for what a man should be, what a husband should be, what a father should be.

***GiveLove*** · 11-12-2007, 04:27 PM

Your son is learning how to be a man from your boyfriend.

You say this relationship gives you nothing but misery. If the thought of allowing yourself to spend ANOTHER 8 years in that relationship isn't enough to make you think about changing something up, maybe the thought that your son is patterning how to be a self-centered, violent, lying, abusive drunk from your BF might be more of a stimulus.

I don't mean that meanly -- I'm just a child who was forced to live through a childhood full of drunken brawls and miserable relationships because they "loved each other." In reality, they just didn't have the courage to change anything. And my siblings and I suffered for it.

You cannot change your boyfriend's priorities. But you can change your own. You deserve a GOOD life, and your son deserves a GOOD role model. You don't have to make any sudden moves but....I think you are capable of getting much more happiness and stability out of life than you are currently getting. There is happiness out there for you almattie, if you can break the 8 year habit of settling for less just to have him in your life.

Hugs, strength,and hope to you, from somebody who's been there too (mine was 7 years)

GL

Mr. Christian · 11-12-2007, 06:33 PM

8 years?
More then enough time to deal with this.
Thank the Lord you never married.

sad#3 · 11-12-2007, 08:52 PM

As many other's told me here in the beginning, get out while you still can... You're in for a lot of pain and a crazy life... 90% or more of them will never change, but you will believe their lies until you no longer believe them any more.

sad#3 · 11-12-2007, 08:56 PM

I don't know if I'm supposed to say this here, but I don't like alcoholics.

**DesertEyes** · 11-12-2007, 09:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sad#3

I don't know if I'm supposed to say this here, but I don't like alcoholics.

That's ok, sad

Those of us who are sober and working our program of recovery don't mind if you hate all of us. My ex is a pill addict, and I went thru a while where I deeply hated the "disease". I don't anymore, hate didn't get me anything I wanted, it just made me hurt more.

I'm sorry that you are going thru so much with your lady. It really sucks. I've been there, and for me it eventually all got worked out as a result of my getting involved in al-anon and working that "program". I hope it works out for you too.

Mike

BayouSelf · 11-12-2007, 10:49 PM

Alanon is the best thing that ever happened to me....saved my life....sorry you are going through this....I would really suggest getting to an Alanon meeting and meeting face to face other people who have dealt with the same issues....oh and also the book "Getting Them Sober" really helped me see things in a different way.....you can read excerpts from this book at www.gettingthemsober.com

Hope this helps....prayers and hugs to you!

almattie · 11-13-2007, 10:24 AM

Hi everyone,
I have taken in each an every one of your comments and I truly believe that with the words of wisdom from you guys and some faith from myself, I will do the right thing. No I never married him, because I am already divorced. I married at age 20 and divorced at 21. My ex-husband was ont eh other side, he was hooked on meth. So it seems that I have traded one bad trait for another. I have not had good luck with finding the one for me that will love me 100% just as I will for them. I know it will come, I just hope I don't let the oppurtunity pass me by dealing with the second mistake. You guys are great, it's good to know that there actually are caring people out there. Lot's of love!!! XXX OOO XXX OOO

ARealLady · 11-13-2007, 10:45 AM

My ex-husband was ont eh other side, he was hooked on meth. So it seems that I have traded one bad trait for another. I have not had good luck with finding the one for me that will love me 100% just as I will for them. I know it will come, I just hope I don't let the oppurtunity pass me by dealing with the second mistake.

Beyond Co-dependency by Melody Beattie has excellent chapters on how we can avoid toxic relationships in the future. Many of us are drawn to a need to fix other people and we mistake our attraction to them for this thing called "chemistry" (their chemicals...lol). She shows us how to recognize the red flags of potentially disastrous matches and explains "availability" very well. People with addictions are NOT available. I think that a lot of our ability to recognize bad relationship material comes from the work which we do on ourselves before embarking on a new relationship (I hadn't done that work before I got involved with XABF....oh, I thought I had!!!).

ARL

rawr_x · 11-13-2007, 02:50 PM

you should try to go to AA meetings, they help a lot and understand what your going through

11-12-2007, 10:08 AM	#1 (permalink)
almattie Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Columbia, SC Posts: 11	dating an alcoholic I am not sure what led me here but I hope someone can help me. I have been dating a guy for eight years now. I can't seem to get him to understand where I come in , and how his problem is affecting me. I tend to be the one up at home, late at night worrying about him. Where is he at, is he alive, or dead in a ditch? I never know. This past weekend for example; I took my son to see a movie, this guy went to go watch the game amd hang out with some commrads. We had made an agreement that we would meet later, back at my house. Well 11:00 rolls around and I have not heard a word from him. I called him and asked what time could I expect him. He continued to say that he was not coming home that night he was too drunk to drive and he did not have his truck anyways. Fine, I hung up and was done with it. He called me back and said he would call a cab. I said no stay where you are at, you are where you want to be. I continued off to sleep, as if I were sleeping. He comes into my house around three in the morning. He had gone out with his friends to a bar and when they were done with that they decided they were going to waffle house. Here is my thing, you can't pay for a cab ride home but you can pay to go to the bar and to waffle house. They ended up getting pulled over by the cops. His argument was that he wasn't driving. Mine is that out of respect you should do what you say you are going to do. He sould have called me and said the cab thing did not work out and he was trying to find a ride home, or he should have stayed put. I am tired of being the one left at home while he goes out and hangs out, drinks, tokes, and has no consideration for me in the world. There is way more to this situation , to much to continue.

11-12-2007, 11:13 AM	#6 (permalink)
lilac Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Happy with me ! Posts: 680	The stickies are fabulous! The people here are priceless ! So sorry you are going thru this right now, you have come to the right place. __________________ "If God brings us to it, He will bring us through it !!!!"

11-12-2007, 04:27 PM	#17 (permalink)
*GiveLove* Recovering 1 step at a time... Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Curled up somewhere with a book Posts: 2,129	Your son is learning how to be a man from your boyfriend. You say this relationship gives you nothing but misery. If the thought of allowing yourself to spend ANOTHER 8 years in that relationship isn't enough to make you think about changing something up, maybe the thought that your son is patterning how to be a self-centered, violent, lying, abusive drunk from your BF might be more of a stimulus. I don't mean that meanly -- I'm just a child who was forced to live through a childhood full of drunken brawls and miserable relationships because they "loved each other." In reality, they just didn't have the courage to change anything. And my siblings and I suffered for it. You cannot change your boyfriend's priorities. But you can change your own. You deserve a GOOD life, and your son deserves a GOOD role model. You don't have to make any sudden moves but....I think you are capable of getting much more happiness and stability out of life than you are currently getting. There is happiness out there for you almattie, if you can break the 8 year habit of settling for less just to have him in your life. Hugs, strength,and hope to you, from somebody who's been there too (mine was 7 years) GL __________________ "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver "Argue your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours." --Richard Bach

11-12-2007, 06:33 PM	#18 (permalink)
Mr. Christian My Cape Is at The Cleaners Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Metropolis Posts: 1,117	8 years? More then enough time to deal with this. Thank the Lord you never married. __________________ They can be a great people Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way.

11-12-2007, 10:49 PM	#22 (permalink)
BayouSelf Not a bad place to be.... Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: LOUISIANA Posts: 180	Alanon is the best thing that ever happened to me....saved my life....sorry you are going through this....I would really suggest getting to an Alanon meeting and meeting face to face other people who have dealt with the same issues....oh and also the book "Getting Them Sober" really helped me see things in a different way.....you can read excerpts from this book at www.gettingthemsober.com Hope this helps....prayers and hugs to you! __________________ I have not failed.....I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work"....Thomas Alva Edison When fighting monsters, we must be careful not to become one.....

11-12-2007, 10:38 AM	#2 (permalink)
Barbara52 Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 3,333	Sorry you are in pain. Have you tried Alanon yet? Do lots of reading in here and start understanding what you are dealing with and what your options are.

11-12-2007, 10:47 AM	#3 (permalink)
almattie Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Columbia, SC Posts: 11	I have not, and I am not real sure what Alanon is? This is my first experice with this. Could you lend me some information on alanon?

11-12-2007, 10:55 AM	#4 (permalink)
Barbara52 Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 3,333	You will find what folks calls Stickies here. Lots of useful information. AlAnon is a group for those of use living/dealing with an alcoholic in our lives. It helps us focus on ourselves rather than the alcoholic in our lives. Not everyone find it to their taste. You will find lots of information and very supportive people in here.

11-12-2007, 11:03 AM	#5 (permalink)
Lilyflower Recovering Codependant Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Liverpool, Great Britain Posts: 1,080	The web address www.al-anon.org Also the stickies here are fab! Lily xxxxxx

11-12-2007, 11:19 AM	#7 (permalink)
almattie Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Columbia, SC Posts: 11	I keep looking for these "stickies", where are they? I found a few on the opening forum page, but none that offer any help to me. HELP!!!

11-12-2007, 11:28 AM	#8 (permalink)
Lilyflower Recovering Codependant Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Liverpool, Great Britain Posts: 1,080	They're at the top of the Friends & family forum. Try opening up 'Classic Reading'. There are many links on this sticky. Remember that these will empower YOU! They are full of info about how to prevent enabling, becoming your own person again etc. As another idea, I would search under Ann & Minnie's names. Both these guys seem to have pretty eye opening posts. Other folks may know of some more....

11-12-2007, 11:34 AM	#9 (permalink)
Lilyflower Recovering Codependant Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Liverpool, Great Britain Posts: 1,080	A few to get you going.... http://www.ceu-hours.com/gts/gts1.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...feel-like.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ipulation.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rve-happy.html (You Desrve to be Happy)

11-12-2007, 11:35 AM	#10 (permalink)
almattie Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Columbia, SC Posts: 11	Thank you, I have located them and I look forward to gaining ensight. I really appreciate the help.

11-12-2007, 11:38 AM	#11 (permalink)
Lilyflower Recovering Codependant Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Liverpool, Great Britain Posts: 1,080	http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ness-life.html (The Newness of Life) http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do) http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ou-choose.html (Feel Whatever You Choose)

11-12-2007, 01:16 PM	#13 (permalink)
almattie Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Columbia, SC Posts: 11	denny57, I'm not getting what I need, that's for sure. But the problem is that I love him, we have been together now for eight years. He continues to mess up on the weekends and when Monday comes around here he is saying I just want to have a good weekend with you. Well what happened to the weekend that just passed. I continue to give and give and I'm not sure what I am getting besides, misery. Why do the enablers continue to enable? Why can't we just stop?

11-12-2007, 02:42 PM	#15 (permalink)
almattie Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Columbia, SC Posts: 11	This is so nice to have someone to talk to someone who knows your pain. My abf is sitting at home right now drinking while at the same time asking me how can he make this right. He does not get that he has to change within himself. I can move on, I realize that it may take time, but after reading all of this I know that I am worth it. I keep begging for him to stay, when I should be begging for him to leave. I hate that so many people deal with the same situation. He and I have gotten into physical altercations when the alcohol increases the anger. I hate it and I hate him when he is like that. I have a nine year old son, that I need a good role modle for, I guess I was just waiting for my abf to grow up and become that man in my sons life.

11-12-2007, 03:43 PM	#16 (permalink)
Barbara52 Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 3,333	If you can't take action for yourself, do it for your sons sake. He doesn't deserve to grow up with an alcoholic as his role model for what a man should be, what a husband should be, what a father should be.

11-12-2007, 08:52 PM	#19 (permalink)
sad#3 Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: ft. bend texas Posts: 147	As many other's told me here in the beginning, get out while you still can... You're in for a lot of pain and a crazy life... 90% or more of them will never change, but you will believe their lies until you no longer believe them any more.

11-12-2007, 08:56 PM	#20 (permalink)
sad#3 Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: ft. bend texas Posts: 147	I don't know if I'm supposed to say this here, but I don't like alcoholics.

11-13-2007, 10:24 AM	#23 (permalink)
almattie Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Columbia, SC Posts: 11	Hi everyone, I have taken in each an every one of your comments and I truly believe that with the words of wisdom from you guys and some faith from myself, I will do the right thing. No I never married him, because I am already divorced. I married at age 20 and divorced at 21. My ex-husband was ont eh other side, he was hooked on meth. So it seems that I have traded one bad trait for another. I have not had good luck with finding the one for me that will love me 100% just as I will for them. I know it will come, I just hope I don't let the oppurtunity pass me by dealing with the second mistake. You guys are great, it's good to know that there actually are caring people out there. Lot's of love!!! XXX OOO XXX OOO

11-13-2007, 10:45 AM	#24 (permalink)
ARealLady Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 452	My ex-husband was ont eh other side, he was hooked on meth. So it seems that I have traded one bad trait for another. I have not had good luck with finding the one for me that will love me 100% just as I will for them. I know it will come, I just hope I don't let the oppurtunity pass me by dealing with the second mistake. Beyond Co-dependency by Melody Beattie has excellent chapters on how we can avoid toxic relationships in the future. Many of us are drawn to a need to fix other people and we mistake our attraction to them for this thing called "chemistry" (their chemicals...lol). She shows us how to recognize the red flags of potentially disastrous matches and explains "availability" very well. People with addictions are NOT available. I think that a lot of our ability to recognize bad relationship material comes from the work which we do on ourselves before embarking on a new relationship (I hadn't done that work before I got involved with XABF....oh, I thought I had!!!). ARL __________________ "The only people that will be allowed in my life are the ones that will "enhance it". ICU at SR 2007

11-13-2007, 02:50 PM	#25 (permalink)
rawr_x Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: holmen, Wisconsin Posts: 100	you should try to go to AA meetings, they help a lot and understand what your going through