Givens

[minnie]

I read this passage in "Beyond Co-dependency" by Melody Beattie and wanted to share it with you all.

"Listen to the following conversation between two women. One woman is recovering from adult children issues and a marriage to an alcoholic. The other is of fairly normal descent.

"I can't decide whether to break up with my boyfriend or not,"says a woman.

"What are his good points?" asks her friend.

"Well, he works every day. He usually does what he says he's going to do. He's kind. And he never hits me."

"No," says her friend. "You don't understand. What are his good points? The things you listed are givens."

"Oh," says the woman. "I didn't know that.""

I know I have been guilty of mistaking givens for good points. As I get healthier, I am beginning to realise what is non-negotiable in my relationships with others. Compromise is one thing, sacrifice is a whole other ball game. And mistaking "givens" for acts of love is hopefully a distant memory.

[keepingmyjoy]

wow, thanks for posting that. needed to hear it!

[minnie]

So funny, I posted this last night and then was speaking to a friend this morning. She was moaning about her bf and when I asked what were the positives in the relationship, all she listed were what I would deem to be "givens". So I read her this passage and I think she might just have had a lightbulb moment. Funny how things work, no?

Anyway, I know that I spent much of my adult life accepting bad behaviour in people because the payoffs were, in hindsight, givens. Just as I would expect someone to use my toilet not crap on my floor, I would also expect my partner to treat me with courtesy, not conspire against my best interests, contribute to the household etc etc.

"Well, at least he doesn't set fire to my car" or "He locks the door when he goes out" are not entries on the positive side of the balance sheet.

[elizabeth1979]

Oh the irony. I think I had this exact conversation many times with people when I was with D.
So true. Im soglad to know the difference now!

[CBrown]

That is a great point, Minnie. Back when I used to do evaluations of coworkers (retail store where I worked), workers used to expect to get Much Above Average all the time. Instead, most of their work was Average -- or "Givens" in your example. We expect special recognition for things we SHOULD be doing in a relationship or at work, when in actuality it is what we do that is extraordinary that deserves special recognition.

[elizabeth1979]

Yep, CBrown..I agreee.
I once heard someone at my office say during an employees evaluation...we give pay increases for going above and beyond the job you were hired to do. If you get the job done (That you were hired to do) you get a paycheck.
Seemed harsh at the time I heard it, but I get it now!