I'm not sure how to help my father

[eric859]

My father has been an alcoholic all my life. He was never abusive or anything, he just always had a drink... always something and vodka. It became an issue after his parents died. He was very reliant on them emotionally and financially. He inherited about $150,000 and his house, which they owned. After about 10 years all the money was gone along with a $125,000 mortgage on the house and about 30,000 in credit card dept. He apparently blew it all on get rich quick scheme and failed home based businesses. At this point he really turned to alcohol. His 3rd wife of 15 years and the mother of my half sister decided that she wanted a divorce. They were going to put the house up for sale. I stepped up and bought it. I did it for my father so that he could get out of dept and away from my step mother. I thought I was helping. He did get out of dept, but since he was by himself, he was free to drink as much as he wanted to. That was 2 years ago. Since then, I've helped him out of drunken binges many times. One time I took him to a rehab facility that wasn't covered by insurance. It cost me $6000 for about 2 weeks. I thought I was helping. When he got out, they basically handed him a bunch of medication and said good luck. What a waste. He immediately started drinking again. He has been in the hospital and another rehab 2 more times since then. About 3 weeks ago, he was fired from his job of 25 years for not showing up or calling one too many times. The same week, his car was stolen and crashed by some kid. As of now, he is jobless, carless and basically peniless. I have the means to give him money again to get him out of this, but I don't know if I should. He didn't ask me for money until tonight. He said he may need a loan until unemployment comes through. I want him to help himself and not rely on me like he did his parents. I want him to realize that he has hit bottom and can pull himself out of it, but I feel so guilty about refusing to do anything financially to help him. I don't know how to help him without enabling him. Also, he's 57 years old and doesn't have a job or any money. How do I find out what options he has as far as cheap senior housing, possibly early social security benefits, etc... Any help you can give would be greatly appreciated.

[Autopathography]

Hi Eric859- I don't have experience with most of what you described, but I'm sure some fellow friends and family will be along soon. You asked about where to find information about social services; I'd like to make some suggestions. More than half the country can now access general information about social/human services by dialing 2-1-1. If you don't have 2-1-1 where you live, you can find out how to reach a local information & referral provider at the 2-1-1 website (not sure if I can list a link here- you can find it via Google). Help with accessing housing and public benefits is also available through your father's local Area Agency on Aging & Disability. You or he can find out how to reach them by calling the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 (or search online for the Eldercare Locator). I realize that it's often hard to decide "how to help without enabling." If you wanted to, perhaps you could look into these resources so that you can tell your dad about them and encourage him to call for help himself. Information & referral providers help people to identify their needs and resources to meet them so that callers and the people who care for them are empowered to help themselves. Best wishes to you and your father.

[Afraid2Succeed]

welcome to SR Eric. sounds like youre a really good son to your dad. the way you mentioned it, sounded like he's had a series of bad luck and misfortune; plus he's the dependent type. i can relate to the latter part, unfortunately.

i wonder what would work for your father. is he receptive to therapy to deal with his past issues? it seems like the drink began when your grandparents died and he hasn't been able to recover since.

ill leave the advice to those who have more experience, but i just wanted to welcome you and tell you good job for being the responsible son. best wishes.

[DesertEyes]

Hi there Eric, and welcome to this wonderful website

Originally Posted by eric859

... I want him to help himself and not rely on me like he did his parents. I want him to realize that he has hit bottom and can pull himself out of it, but I feel so guilty about refusing to do anything financially to help him. I don't know how to help him without enabling him....

Been there, done that. My Dad, Mom, aunt, uncle all ended up where your father is now. I went thru all the guiltys too. Sucks.

There's two things you can do for him, which are the general suggestions that work best for most people.

First: Educate yourself about this disease of alcoholism. You have made a great start understanding what enabling is and how you need to avoid doing that. Take a little time and read thru all the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. Then get on the phone and call the local office of al-anon in your phone book. Check out a few meetings and browse thru their literature, they have tons of great books and pamphlets.

Second: Your father has gone thru, what? $310,000 bucks? Well, money is not the solution, so you can stop flushing that away. Already did the rehab and prescriptions, that didn't work either. Next on the list is for you to open that phone book again and get the numbers for the Salvation Army and Catholic Charities. They take in destitute alcoholics, clean them up and drag them around to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Originally Posted by eric859

... I want him to help himself ...

yeah that's the hard part. From what you wrote it seems like you're trained him for a decade or so to _not_ help himself. So he's going to object, loudly, to having to do that. You can start by handing him the phone number and addresses to the Salvation Army and Catholic Charities. Do not make the call for him. Let him make the call himself.

Sounds easy, doesn't it? Well, it won't be. Which is why we strongly suggest meetings of al-anon for you. Those people are the experts at dealing with all the chaos and manipulations that an alkie can generate. They will be there for you when your father comes knocking on your door in the middle of the night, stumbles into your workplace, breaks into your house, and all those other crazy things they do while trying to avoid sobriety.

Welcome again, glad you decide to join us

Mike

[Barbara52]

Welcome. You are in a tough situation.

As far as your father being eligible for senior housing, at 57 I doubt he's old enough. Unless he can be certified as disabled (not an easy thing to do), Social Security is also out the mix. The normal retirement age is 67 these days. Getting those benefits would take a considerable amount of time even if it is a possibility.

He is an adult well within the age of employment. He lost his job. Ok. He needs to find another one. He needs to take responsibility for his life.

[Janitw]

Hello Eric and welcome here at SR... sounds like you are in a real pickle hun.....there is a saying around here and it goes like this:

Nothin changes if nothin changes.....
He isn't gonna change if YOU aren't going to change. We co-dependents almost need them more than they need us...believe it or not...they are addicted to the alcohol but we are addicted to them...you have to listen to what Mike told you today and help him by NOT helping him. This is the only way he will pull himself up by his bootstraps and start to live again. Because hunny right now he isn't living....he's dieing. He has been through all the traditional methods of recovery except the part where he has to stop the drinking. And I am quite sure he has every excuse under the sun for doing what he's doing...we have heard it all. Either they are depressed, or sad or happy or suicidal or whatever....blah blah blah....lol Like I said no one can help him but himself. You aren't the one who is pouring the booze down the mans throat..and he will make you feel like crap when you refuse to help him anymore....thats where Alanon comes in....they will be your strength and we will be too okay....so for right now read read and read some more because knowledge is power...and thats what you need at the moment.

[brighthope]

Welcome to this wonderful place of support and wisdom.

I read a lot of worry in your post, but I also noticed you talked a lot about money. It's common, you know, to feel that sick, miserable feeling when you begin to realize that the alcoholic is draining your financial well being, especially when you begin to realize that you can throw millions of bucks at the alcoholic and they will still drink.

A few years ago I told my therapist I felt guilty about my anger that my alcoholic daughter seemed determined to ruin me financially - it felt like I was being cold, to worry about money when my child was suffering so terribly with alcoholism.

The therapist said something I'll never forget - she laughed and she said: "at least money is something that you can measure easily"

The longer you continue to shell out cash for your Dad, the longer you will be literally enabling his drinking.

[guyinNC]

You are an incredible son! I am sure he loves you very much. But like earlier said, money appears to not be helping.....nor has the rehabs.

If you were to get him an apartment, pay the rent and power for him, he would continue to drink until the alcohol destroys his body. (He has been enabled with no reason to change his behavior.)

Maybe the only thing that can save his life is homelessness and poverty. Then maybe....when he is at his bottom, he will save himself.