Newbie, got a kid with a problem

[PsychoKitty]

Hi, I'm new here, found this site via a good friend of mine, Tigeress. I don't have a problem with my husband, he does'nt drink {only moans and whines and complains and sulks etc etc etc] but I do have a problem with my 21 year old son, he goes out 3-5 times a week, gets paraletically drunk and comes home at 4/5am, trying his best to con everyone he is clean cold sober.
Going out is the main focus of his life, he is on a mission to go somewhere, he quit college, does'nt know what to do with his life, he has smashed his car for the third time [still in the bodyshop] and is now banned from using it at night. Apart from the drinking he is a great kid, always easygoing, not violent, always willing to help, great looking, totally laid back. He is the eldest of 5 kids. What worries me is:-

He first denies he is drunk, then happily admits it.
He has mastered the art of appearing cold sober except to us who know him.
He obviously knows he has a problem, or would not deny drinking, I think he is reaching out for help but does not know how to get it.
He used to only drink cos' it gave him confidence, now its a case of his not being able to go out and not drink.
He has no clue what 'enough is enough' means.
He thinks he is sober enough to drive, when he is totally the opposite.
He lies with such charm that people believe him.
The other night he left his friend behind when he organised a lift home for himself, and I had to fetch the friend at 4.30 in the morning. In other words, he only worries about himself when he is drunk.

I live in a different country & continent, we do not have the strict DUI laws you guys have, if he is pleasant to the cops at an accident they will just let him off the hook.
Also, while 21 your side, is considered adult, here they are not really, which is why I refer to him as my 21 yr old kid. They can only drive at 18, BUT can also drink at 18.

Thanks for letting me get all that off my chest.

[Tigeress]

Welcome!! We have a new place to go and get this stuff off that weighs us down. Better here than the Car Club.

[PsychoKitty]

Yeah, too true, and in any case they are just looking for an excuse to knock the beer mugs together

Welcome PsychoKitty,

There are a lot of moms here, myself included. My son has been drinking since he was 13 and now he is 29. I've tried everything to save him and finally had to save myself. Please read the power posts on this board and the Naranon board.

Post whenever you like about anything at all.

Hugs,
MG

[EmotionalMeg]

Hi Psychokitty,
I just wanted to welcome you here... if you are anything like all of us here, you'll soon make SR a part of every day

My A is my husband, but I DID relate to your story. My husband is 29 now, and started drinking when he was 13 also. I can imagine that you are experiencing some of the same emotions as my mother-in-law... she loves her son sooo much, and is struggling thru the emotions of having an addicted son. So, in this way, I can talk to you as I would to her... I love my mother-in-law very much as well

Anyhow, I hope to see you around here more often... sharing and venting about YOUR struggles; consider us hundreds of open shoulders to cry on :p

Have you been to Alanon meetings? Can you get to one? The program is one of miracles when you are willing to "work it".

Take care kitty
Meg

[Tigeress]

I also, started drinking and drugging at 13. That seems to be the magic age. I finally stopped partying at age 37. Ummm, that's not true...I party hardier now "without" it!!!!

[PsychoKitty]

Hi thanks for all the supporting messages, and yeah, I think 13 is THE age, but maybe years ago it was different, it was safer to go out and get drunk about 20 odd years ago, now there are so many wierdo's around, we used to be able to hike from point A to point B without having to worry about our safety, now its unheard of, specially where we live. I won't even let my 11 yr old daughter play outside unless there is an adult around. I used to also go out, get sloshed and have a good time, but I grew out of it, I had hoped my son would too, but no luck, and if he carries on like this it will become a crutch to him, he already thinks he can't be the life of a party unless he has had a couple of drinks, very soon, if not already he will be unable to go to any social event without getting drunk first. One of the worst things I have noticed is that on a couple of occasions he would get a bottle of wine or something and down it before he even went out, so he could get into the sociable mood. His friends don't go out and get drunk anymore, they have grown out of it, they treat him with good humoured patience, which is wrong, they should be giving him hell instead. Only one friend has voiced his concern, and he is the son of a recovering alcoholic, so he knows the danger signs. I also note that he goes round with a different crowd during the week, obviously a crowd who don't see anything wrong with drinking during a work week.
As I read my own posts here I am getting a clearer view that I need to do something, asap. We do have an AA here, I am going to speak to the concerned friend and see if he won't go with him to a couple of the meetings. But, my son has to admit he has a problem, and so far he does not think its a 'real' problem.