Just when I thought

[kermit]

You know the story. I had gotten a couple of cashiers checks from my ex., not much but by it helps out so much. i knew he had gotten a job so I e-mailed him a question about medical insurance, he e-mails me back to tell me that he will be able to get the kids insurance Nov 21, 2007 during enrollment. I say great news, thanks.
Then I had to go and ask if we could have his address do the kids could send him letters and pictures ect... You know try and start a relationship with there Dad. Nothing, I have heard nothing back from him.. It has been over a week since I asked. I just don't understand what the big deal is about a address. i know he is with his new girlfriend, don't care... I have told him this but still no address.
Any one undersatnd this behavior.. The child support agency has already found him, so what gives?

[Spiritual Seeker]

Your Ex lacks integrity and character. But you knew that.
Do the kids have a grandpa, uncle or family friend that can be a male influence?
You can't make your ex be something he is not. I know you feel bad for your kids, I am sorry.

[Rella927]

Kermie sorry that you are going through this

Maybe it is time to let the kids know if you have not already what is going on-and if possible bring a counselor into the mix? I know that I wished my parents were more adult after the split-honesty to me is the best policy in my life today! I started to send all the stuff to my Dad letters, cards, pictures.....and got responses back then one day it STOPPED, as I look back now I believe it was because my mom did not want me to be happy and or have a relationship with him because she was unable too. She sent everything he sent to me back to him and will deny it till this day that she did that!...it broke my heart to hear this from my father and it broke his heart too.

Instead of getting a messy situation worse if the kids are old enough to understand ..maybe it is best to let them know the truth and make sure they know that it is nothing that they have done! It will save you some stress and save them from more undeserved heartache and restentment in the long run.

Prayers to you and the kids Kermie.....baby steps your doing great!

[kermit]

My kids have a Grandpa, and a uncle they are close to.. also older cousins that are great. We also have a dear friend from the old neighborhood. My closest friend, her husband is great too. I just wish thats all....More then anything I wnat my kids to have a relationship with the kids thats all

[Pick-a-name]

Originally Posted by kermit

You know the story. I had gotten a couple of cashiers checks from my ex., not much but by it helps out so much. i knew he had gotten a job so I e-mailed him a question about medical insurance, he e-mails me back to tell me that he will be able to get the kids insurance Nov 21, 2007 during enrollment. I say great news, thanks.
Then I had to go and ask if we could have his address do the kids could send him letters and pictures ect... You know try and start a relationship with there Dad. Nothing, I have heard nothing back from him.. It has been over a week since I asked. I just don't understand what the big deal is about a address. i know he is with his new girlfriend, don't care... I have told him this but still no address.
Any one undersatnd this behavior.. The child support agency has already found him, so what gives?

I know what you mean. I've come to think it is about having the illusion of some kind of "power/control" over me/you,or the kids....worked in the past to keep me in "the dance". That's the only thing I can figure when it happens and I am guessing that could be the same in your situation.

I'm glad that you've gotten some money and the kids will be covered....those are good things!

[elizabeth1979]

I mean this with the warmest of hearts. Is there any way this is another angle to try and make him into someone you want him to be? Even though its for the kids, not you?

I attempted all sorts of things to get my ex to be who I wanted him to be.
Im sorry you are hurting.

[Pick-a-name]

Originally Posted by elizabeth1979

I mean this with the warmest of hearts. Is there any way this is another angle to try and make him into someone you want him to be? Even though its for the kids, not you?

I attempted all sorts of things to get my ex to be who I wanted him to be.
Im sorry you are hurting.

I don't know about Kemit, but I know I have started thinking about that in my case lately. Thanks for more food for thought,SE.

[embraced2000]

hi kermie

your children will react to this the way that you do. please keep this in mind. you will not make him into a father, no more than you could make him into a sober spouse.

i was raised without my real father. my mother never spoke a bad word about him. she would answer my questions, but that was all. she made sure i spent a week every year with my faternal grandparents. so i never thought bad, or good about my father......i dont know it that is good or not....but to this day, i don't have a bad feeling about him at all......and i don't have a good feeling either. he is a stranger to me. but at least i didn't have the turmoil of it all.

hugs
jeri

[kermit]

Thank you, all of you. E-1979, no I don't think I want to "make" him what I want. I think we all want the other parent to be a parent.
I never speak badly about their Dad, I too answer questions as truthfully as I can. The kids grandparents a no longer alive, but they do have a Uncle that spends holidays with us all the time, he calls and checks up on the kids offten.
We have so much love and support around us, I know the kids are going to be okay. I just want to do right by them. That's all. I know I can't make him be a father, I just don't understand why. He says he wants to be able to see them, so why not give them a address to comunicate? I just don't understand thats all.

[Barbara52]

Could this be another instance where you are trying to find reason from someone who doesn't do things rationally?

[kermit]

Not trying to do anything but understand

[Mr. Christian]

It's not for us to understand, just to accept.

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by kermit

Not trying to do anything but understand

That's my point though. You can't understand the irrational thinking and behaviors of an alcoholic. It not subject to reasoning or understanding because there isn't reason behind it. I know you want answers as to why your AH is doing what he's doing but that would involve trying to apply logic where logic just doesn't fit.