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Old 09-23-2007, 07:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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closet drinker

my wife is a closet drinker what can i do?
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Old 09-23-2007, 08:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm not sure what you can do. We'll leave that up to experienced SR folks.

The main thing is to remember that it's not your fault, that you have no control over it. She won't quit until she's ready to quit.

That said, you can tell her what you think and feel, how it's affecting you and your family.

You might look into 12-step meetings for family members and set some firm boundaries.

I wish you well.

Jane
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Old 09-23-2007, 09:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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There is nothing you can do about her drinking. My husband was (is) a closet drinker, I say is because I'm not sure, I know he is still drinking, that I can tell. I asked my husband to leave after he drove on of our children while he was in no shape to do so. I found bottles everywhere for 3yrs, and did nothing to help MYSELF untill it was almost to late. He could have killed our 1st born. I will suggest allanon, they don't have the anwers but there you will get the support you need, I know how you are feeling, I used to think it was all in MY head... but after time things got bad real bad. I love my husband, well my X and I will never give up on him, I hope he will stop one day, I just wait from afar and take care of myself and my children.
There is nothing we can do for them, unless they ask for help.
Good luck and welcome this is a great palce.
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Old 09-23-2007, 11:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
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My advice, from experience, is to go Alanon and learn about the disease and/or start seeing a counselor with experience in alcohol addition. The more you can learn about the disease and the behaviors of alcoholics the better you can deal with YOU.

Good luck and keep posting!
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Old 09-23-2007, 11:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
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i've been puting up with this for 20 of my 27 years of marage I thought it was something i was doing wrong, but i'm tired of it
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Old 09-24-2007, 02:19 AM   #6 (permalink)
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What happens as a result of her drinking? Perhaps it might be a good idea to focus on how you feel as a result of your wife's behavior rather than on trying to prove that she has been drinking. Some ideas: Is she honest? Is she clean? Does she drive a car after drinking? Does she shout? Does she get aggressive? Is she irresponsible at times? If any of these apply, then, how do you feel as a result? What boundaries could you set to protect yourself from such behavior?

One of the things that used to drive me crazy was that my AH had a totally different idea of reality. What he saw as blue, I saw as green, etc... What I've had to learn is to trust my instincts and my view of reality, and not let myself get influenced by him. In order to do this, I found it valuable to go to Al Anon meetings, where people did not judge, but supported me and my views of reality. Alcoholics have a way of making us feel crazy!
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Old 09-24-2007, 03:50 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I would say exactly that and in an ideal world, she would become acutely aware of my terms at this point. Life is too short to tolerate anothers persons addictions. Boy, do I identify. When I was a young preteen, I was in 4-H. Our troup leader was a closet drinker and she was bagged every afternoon. She was sharp, loud and unreasonable. There was nothing soft about this abrasive pushy woman. As preteens we all giggled at what a witch she was. It was more like she was just doing it to make herself appear functional and involved with her daughter.
She was a bully.
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Old 09-24-2007, 08:23 PM   #8 (permalink)
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She gets abrasive but not loud, she slurs her words and very moody crying one min and angry the next. She swears she is not drinking and i dont push it because it does not help and I'm tired of fighting over it.

As for my feelings i'm scared of looseing my wife that I love very much
I lonely at night, I'm angry that I am helpless and cant fix her.
I'm sad and lost.
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Old 09-24-2007, 09:07 PM   #9 (permalink)
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have you told her how it makes you feel?

Keep posting. People here can help you. Meetings or counseling would probably help you too.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Old 09-24-2007, 09:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Widetrak60, what you have going on is the elephant in the room. Avoiding the situation will not make it go away a and it will get worse. Alcoholism is a disease that is progressive. If she doesn't start working on her sobriety you will eventually lost her physically.

Understanding how to talk about how you feel and what her disease is doing to you can be best understood by attending Alanon meetings and 1on1 counseling for YOU. Once you understand the disease and what role YOU are playing the sooner you can see the elephant walking on the eggshells and get rid of one and clean up the other!

Keep posting!
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Old 09-25-2007, 12:37 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Can you tell her what you want... to feel close to her in the evenings and to have a life without the emotional roller coaster? Can you tell her that you are afraid of losing her? Can you tell her how angry you feel knowing you can't help her? Are there some things you can do for yourself to cure the loneliness... ie. join a club, sporting or hobby activity, something that would get you out of the house at least once a week? So what if she stays home alone? Perhaps, by removing yourself from the house when she starts to get emotional might be a good start. Her moods are not your problem.
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Old 09-25-2007, 06:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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After all these years I cant help but wonder if its really that bad and if I'm makeing a big deal out of this. But on the other hand its not normal to hide alcohol is it?
I've found shooter bottles in her kotex box, way in the back of the closet, and who
has more than one mouth wash bottle? I know I have to tell her how I fell, I just dont want to start a fight if i'm wrong. Am I?
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Old 09-25-2007, 06:39 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Then don't make it about her drinking, make it about her behavior and your feelings surrounding that. If you talk to her from your perspective (I feel......) you won't be wrong.

L
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Old 09-26-2007, 10:13 AM   #14 (permalink)
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the 3 c's go like this:

You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it.....

She has to embrace sobriety for herself - not for you or anyone else....otherwise its a slow and methodical ending...I am so sorry you are in this predicament...stick around here and read and learn...click on any of our names and read our histories and I am quite sure that you will see alot of similarities....
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Old 09-26-2007, 12:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thankyou every one, I,m going to do some more research and hopefully learn
more about A's and how to deal with my fellings.
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Old 09-26-2007, 03:24 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by widetrak60 View Post
my wife is a closet drinker what can i do?
Own what's yours - this is not your burden to bear.

hugs
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Old 09-26-2007, 05:02 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by widetrak60 View Post
After all these years I cant help but wonder if its really that bad and if I'm makeing a big deal out of this. But on the other hand its not normal to hide alcohol is it?
I've found shooter bottles in her kotex box, way in the back of the closet, and who
has more than one mouth wash bottle? I know I have to tell her how I fell, I just dont want to start a fight if i'm wrong. Am I?
wide, I also have dealt with a AW for almost 20 years and trust me if you suspect they are drinking and you are finding what you are she is drinking.

For years I would get mad and confront my wife but not anymore. Get to some meetings and you will see what I mean.
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Old 08-29-2008, 04:14 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Widetrak, you and I are in exactly the same boat. I also have a wife who is slowly driving me crazy if I'm not careful. She often either mis-interprets what I say or even mis-remembers words and events. Tonight she said she 'wasn't doing anything she shouldn't', but I turned in early with the TV, and she has ended up passed out on our bed an hour later. Just keep loving your wife but also keep loving yourself - we can't change our spouses but we can choose our response to them. I haven't made it to Al-Anon yet but I'm determined to go next week to start to look after me.
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Old 08-29-2008, 05:27 PM   #19 (permalink)
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widetrak60,

My husband is closet drinker also. Many years ago someone told me that I was talking to Jack Daniels, or the bottle. My AH is a binger so he can go 3 weeks without a drink. I could not understand how I was talking to the bottle during the times when he was not actually, literally drunk.

Then I started reading, chatting and attending Al-Anon. What I found to be the biggest startling realization is that there are a slew of beliefs, attitudes, excuses and behaviors that are common among alcoholics. Sure enough, I started to realize how almost everything that my AH did or said somehow was related to his drinking problem. Because we had been together for several years, I think I lost perspective of what a normal relationship might be like. I was used to his "stinkin thinkin", the drama, the accusations, the tears, the promises, the apologies, the manipulation and the lies, lies, lies and more lies.

I, like you, often wondered if I was making a bigger deal out if than it needed to be. My AH is quite successful professionally. I get to be a stay-at-home mom. He only drinks periodically. But, and this is a big but..... when I opened my eyes to the true level of chaos he was creating and how our lives revolved around the insanity he brought into our family in an attempt to protect his right to drink, I started deciding he'd either quit or I'd have to leave. I'm just over it.

So, before you second guess yourself (which we allllll have done here or currently do, and which our alcoholic spouses love for us to do), realize that you might be so used to the behavior that you accept it as normal. It's not. If your life is full of chaos, insanity, sleepless nights, endless frustration, arguments and total stress that you are definitely not imagining it. She may not quit and you may not decide to leave her. But if you go to Al-Anon, you'll learn some techniques which will help you live with more sanity in the midst of her drinking. Or, you may find out that you're sick of it altogether.

But it's definitely not in your head.
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Old 08-29-2008, 06:49 PM   #20 (permalink)
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You can't do anything about her drinking.

You CAN let her know how it makes you feel (but tell her when she's sober).



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