My Story (the abridged version)

[hmbld]

I've been married to an alcoholic for 12 years. Despite his alcoholism, outwardly, we lived the "charmed" life. Both successful and respectible members of the community. He rarely drank to oblivion in public, so no one ever really knew, with the exception of close friends and family. Tried everything in my power to fix him, get him to wake up and see how good his life was. Great wife, great kids, great job... yada yada yada...

I don't know how many times I warned him that not only is he destroying himself, that he, in the end, would take us all down with him, and boy, did he.

My whole life I lived the rule of "don't ever depend on anyone to take care of you, always always always remain self suficient". I finally took a risk last year (when the drinking was in a lull) to quit my job and depend on him. That way I could stay at home and spend more time with the kids, which I've always wanted to do.

Fast forward, almost a year later, he's arrested (for the first time ever in his life), is on unpaid suspension at his job (our only source of income). The reason for the arrest is a whole other long sordid story in itself, so I'll not go in to that just yet.

Daughter and I moved in with my mom and dad in May, he's in an intensive outpatient program, and has been attending AA at least 5 nights a week on top of his outpatient deal. We moved back in the house the end of August, and have a very long road ahead of us.

I don't even know if I still love him, well I do love him, but just not sure if I'm "in love", or maybe the appropriate feelings are, I don't know if I have it in me anymore to make things work. I certainly can't fix him, but he is taking the right steps, and is making the effort finally to fix himself.

So, I'm here to hopefully figure it all out, and figure out what's wrong with me, and to work through all of this properly and with some semblance of sanity.

[NoChoice]

Dear Hmbld,

Thanks so much for your post. It does sound like you have a whole lot on your plate. One thing I definitely hear in your post is that you are blaming yourself. Don't to that. You didn't cause this, you were doing what you thought was best as a Mom at the time. Please keep posting. This site is so wonderful and has made a huge difference in my recovery. I do go to Al Anon and get so much from the meetings. You can't cure him. He has to want to do that himself. I know it is hard and new and different. You will be ok and you will be able to protect your kids. You can help yourself by working on your recovery and giving him to God, to the doctors to people who are trained to deal with the disease that is causing dis-ease in your life too. I wish you all the best. The people that post here are sooooo smart and caring. I am certain you will find all that you need.

Hilary

[irelandx7]

Welcome!

Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope he continues to get treatment. I, like you, have spent many years blaming myself for AH's problem. For me, it's time to take charge of myself and go to Alanon so I can start to take care of "me." I am so through with his problem being my problem.

[Barbara52]

You are sure in a difficult position. Take time to figure out what you want for you and your children. Take stock of yourself and get to AlAnon or therapy to help yourself understand it all. Be patient with yourself since none of this is going to be easy or straight forward. You have time to figure it out and then take whatever steps you think are necessary.

[WantsOut]

Hi Hmbld-

I am in a similar position tho I managed to keep my house by renting most of it out. I live in the upstairs apartment with a roommate. Just so you know you are not alone. It is a hard road, but here we find ourselves.

It's stunning how quickly it can all fall apart. The good news is you have supportive family, a world of opportunity, and a whole new life ahead of you. It's dark and painful now, but pain helps us grow. That sentiment used to make me cringe, but now I can tell it's true.

Peace

[parentrecovers]

nice to meet you, hmbld - keep posting and hugs, k

[Rella927]

Welcome hmbld! Glad that you found us! You are not alone in what you are going through and there are an amazing bunch here at SR at all different levels of recovery with a lot of inspring advice!

[Pick-a-name]

Hi,hmbld.........glad you are here. (ttyl!)

[sunshine321]

Hi and welcome.

It sounds like you blame yourself for trusting him. It sounds like you wanted to trust that he would take care and support you like you both agreed and you were let down. It's not your fault. If you feel you made a mistake by giving up your job, then chalk it up to experience and figure out what you can do to get things back on track for you and your kids. Don't waste energy with should have, could have. Who care about that?

I am happy for you that your H is in recovery. I sounds like he is taking it seriously. I hope you will decide to get some support from Al-Anon like many of us have. Maybe there you will get the help you need to be able to see clearly and figure out what you want out of your relationship. I am in the same boat not knowing if I have the energy to stay in my relationship. My A is half recovering (5 days sober) but it will be a long time before the damage is repaired in our relationship. I am working on me. He is working on himself. I hope in time we will be able to see our relationship in a new light before it's over. We share a child together and I'd love to keep our "family" together, but not at the expense of my own happiness.

Jenny

[hmbld]

Thank you all so much. It's a huge weight off just being here and having people to talk to. The vast majority of my friends can't even fathom why I'm still fighting to save my marriage. Their intentions are good, but the pressure and guilt they lay on me is sometimes overwhelming.

I don't blame myself for his drinking, I do blame myself for letting my life get so far away from me. My kids have been through way too much crap. Kids shouldn't have to live around an alcoholic and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. My daughter still adores him, but my son, (who is his step son) hates him, and for good reason. My AH was always very hard on him. So I'm also somewhat stuck in a no win situation. Do I hurt my daughter by ending it all, or do I hurt my son by staying with him? My son is currently living with his father. I feel that if I'd have been a better mother to him, he'd still be here with me. I guess I just feel like a failure all around.

Thanks again for listening.

[hmbld]

Originally Posted by sunshine321

I am happy for you that your H is in recovery. I sounds like he is taking it seriously. I hope you will decide to get some support from Al-Anon like many of us have. Maybe there you will get the help you need to be able to see clearly and figure out what you want out of your relationship. I am in the same boat not knowing if I have the energy to stay in my relationship. My A is half recovering (5 days sober) but it will be a long time before the damage is repaired in our relationship. I am working on me. He is working on himself. I hope in time we will be able to see our relationship in a new light before it's over. We share a child together and I'd love to keep our "family" together, but not at the expense of my own happiness.

Jenny

My AH actually suggested last night that I go to Al-Anon. He says that they hold the meetings where his AA meetings are. What I found interesting was that he stated that there were far more people that attended AA than Al-Anon (at least in that particular location). It just dawned on me, that it may actually take us "enablers" longer to figure out that we need help too.

I'm going to get the schedule and go, it is definitely time.

[hmbld]

Originally Posted by sunshine321

My A is half recovering (5 days sober)

Jenny

BTW, good luck and I'm pulling for you and your A. Mine is around 90 days sober and life, as difficult as it still is, is much improved.