Long time lurker - First Post

[ozzie]

This is my first post here, although I have been reading for a few months.
I have been involved with my AH for 18 years, married for 14, and I knew from the beginning that he was a drinker, sometimes worse than others, but drinking most days. I am 50 and he is almost 59.
He has always been employed, and the drinking never interfered with his ability to earn a good wage. We have a lovely home, and he is always working to make it nice, keeping it well maintained and neat and tidy. A big problem in our marriage has been that the house became almost an obsession with him, and over the last two years he became very anti-social. He would be drinking while he was working around the house and yard. If I wanted to go anywhere or do anything with him, it was always "He has to mow the lawn" or "He has to paint the windows" etc. I tried to talk to him about it, but was always just brushed off.
Anyway, 6 weeks ago I left. I moved into a small place, just me and my dogs, and I thought I'd be happy. He has rung a few times, never drunk, and we have spoken civilly for the first time in years.
Now, he wants to try a reconcilliation. I am so confused. I am not happy living where I am, but I made it clear to him that I will not go back to what it was. I gave him a long list of things that I want changed before I will consider it, and I asked him what he wants me to change. The things he wants me to change are very minor, and very possible for me to do.
He says that he thought he was doing the right thing by giving me a nice house to live in, and he thought that was what I wanted. I had never told him exactly what I want in a relationship, and I realise now that I should have done that before moving out. We have talked about selling the house we have and buying a smaller one with a lot less maintenance, therefore having more time to spend together, and also making a point of doing things together. So on that note I am willing to try.
The major thing I need changed from his is the drinking. He has agreed to cut down, and only drink light beer. He had done that for the two months before I left, and ever since I have been gone. (I have heard from other people as well) He has said that he is amazed how much better he feels not drinking so much. He has assured me that he will do that forever, but can he be trusted? I so want to believe him, but I am so scared.
I am certainly not ready to pack up and move back, I know a lot of work needs to be done by both of us.
Can a reconcilliation like this work or am I kidding myself? He has never admitted to being an alcoholic, so I know he will never seek treatment. I would be happy if he could control it like he seems to be doing.
I would love to hear the opinions of the experienced people here.
Pauline

[irelandx7]

Welcome, Pauline, I am glad you found this forum, and sorry that you are going through all of this.

I hate to say it, but your AH is making all the excuses and promises an alcoholic does. He can't "cut back" on drinking -- he's an alcoholic. It's like a cocaine addict "Oh, I'll just sniff a little here and there." It just doesn't work that way unfortunately. My AH has plain out told me he's scared to death to live the rest of his life without another drop of alcohol. Funny -- "scared to death" while doesn't he realize that death may come sooner than he thinks if he keeps up this heavy drinking.

He may be cutting back now just to get you back, but who's to say once you are back with him, that the same old merry-go-round won't continue. I wish you peace, and maybe others will have more advice.

[mallowcup]

Is there some reason you can't spend time with him without moving back immediately? Over time his conviction will become evident.

[ozzie]

Thanks for the replies.

I have not seen him at all in the 6 weeks I have been gone, but I do take his calls when he rings. I moved two hours away from the house, where he still lives.

I have no intention of moving back straight away, I know it will take time. I am prepared to wait and see how committed he is to starting afresh.

I will start by meeting him during the day, and see how that goes.

This is his second marriage, and he has a daughter, (aged 38 married with two kids) who has never liked me, so I know we have other problems besides the drinking.

I will take each day as it comes, and see what happens.

Pauline

[Janitw]

Welcome Pauline.....I too am sorry for your situation and like you I was married to an alcoholic for a very long period of time and no they can't just slow down or cut down their intake amount as much as they may want to or say that they can. Thats why in AA teaches them that even 1 drink will trigger a serious binge. My XAH admitted to being an alcoholic but also in the same breath refused to go to rehab and promptly left our family. His choice. I had choices also and I chose not to stay involved with his problem. It was difficult I won't lie there because we all love our addicts BUT it does get better over time hun. Alot of time. Until he embraces sobriety you will experience more of what you already have today. Nothing changes if nothing changes....take care and please keep coming back ok.

Janit

[Pick-a-name]

Sorry about all this,but glad you found us!

Much of what you describe sounds familiar. When I said No beer and treatment before returning....well,that didn't fly with my exAH.

Have you read any of the "Getting Them Sober" books;this topic is dicussed. (see http://www.GettingThemSober.com)

Hope you stick around.lots of good information and great people ;helps me so much!

p.s. "Light" beer just has fewer calories.....not less alcohol, I am told.

[FormerDoormat]

I'm with Mallow on this one. Alcoholics will tell their significant others anything they want to hear so they can get their co-dependent partners to agree to take care of their responsibilities again. The moment you return to your previous living arrangement, they generally return to their old drinking habits and behaviors; especially when they are still in denial about having a drinking problem and aren't actively working a program of recovery.

I stayed in touch with my alcoholic boyfriend for the last two years of his life, until he succumbed to his alcoholism a few months ago, but only from a safe distance away. I allowed him to visit me on weekends from time to time, but only when he was not drinking. I accepted phone calls from him IF he was sober. If he was obviously drunk when he called, I'd politely end the conversation as quickly as possible.

It is possible to take your life back from the chaos of living with an active alcoholic. How you choose to do that is completely up to you. Some folks need to cut off all contact in order to live a peaceful life. Others, like me, can continue the relationship from a safe distance and with firm boundaries in place. Frankly, I'm glad I chose the path I did. It allowed me to move on with my life after he passed away free from any guilt. Richard knew that I loved him and that I liked spending time with him, too. It was the alcohol and what it did to him that I despised.

Alanon, learning all I can about alcoholism and co-dependency, and SoberRecovery helped me fine-tune the right solution for me.

[denny57]

welcome, Pauline, glad you're here!

If your husband is alcoholic, he cannot just cut back. He is really the only one who can say if he is or isn't. What matters is how whatever drinking he does affects you. I think your plan to take it slowly makes sense.

Good luck and keep posting!

[lilac]

Welcome Pauline ! Sorry you are dealing with all that you are right now.....

If you want, meet during the day for lunch or something......(((HUGS)))

[Apolla]

The number one condition I would add to your list is - he needs to be in treatment. Full treatment for addiction.

Not just "cutting" down. Doesn't work, will never work and to think it will is a delusion. Sorry!

Untreated alcoholism ONLY gets worse. It's a progress, genetic, brain disease. Not a "weakness" of character. As such, needs to be treated as a disease with medical, psychological ongoing treatment. For life. There is no cure for alcoholism.

I agree with all the wonderful advice here!

Protect yourself, love yourself! Read Codependent No More!

[mallowcup]

Something happens when you take a break and make the move. No matter how unfullfilling your life is at the moment, the potential is there for a great life.....rather than returning to the known.....
In a million different ways a day, the stressors are gone. The cumulative tolerance to the drinking and all that goes with it.
Maybe you are moving forward and not backward. There is such a thing as too little too late.